To London and back

On Horseback

2012-01-27T09:03:00.000-08:00

U2 - Numb - (HD)

2012-01-26T09:45:00.000-08:00

Numb

2012-01-26T09:44:00.000-08:00

U2: Numb
Don't move
Don't talk out of time
Don't think
Don't worry
Everything's just fine
Just fine

Don't grab
Don't clutch
Don't hope for too much
Don't breathe
Don't achieve
Or grieve without leave

Don't check
Just balance on the fence
Don't answer
Don't ask
Don't try and make sense

Don't whisper
Don't talk
Don't run if you can walk
Don't cheat, compete
Don't miss the one beat

Don't travel by train
Don't eat
Don't spill
Don't piss in the drain
Don't make a will

Don't fill out any forms
Don't compensate
Don't cower
Don't crawl
Don't come around late
Don't hover at the gate

Don't take it on board
Don't fall on your sword
Just play another chord
If you feel you're getting bored
I feel numb
I feel numb
Too much is not enough
I feel numb
Don't change your brand Gimme what you got
Don't listen to the band
Don't gape Gimme what I don't get
Don't ape
Don't change your shape Gimme some more
Have another grape
Too much is not enough
I feel numb
I feel numb
Gimme some more
A piece of me, baby
I feel numb
Don't plead
Don't bridle
Don't shackle
Don't grind Gimme some more
Don't curve
Don't swerve I feel numb
Lie, die, serve Gimme some more
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/u/u2-lyrics/numb-lyrics.html]
Don't theorize, realise, polarise I feel numb
Chance, dance,dismiss, apologise Gimme what you got
Gimme what I don't get
Gimme what you got
Too much is not enough
Don't spy I feel numb
Don't lie
Don't try
Imply
Detain
Explain
Start again I feel numb
I feel numb
Don't triumph
Don't coax
Don't cling
Don't hoax
Don't freak
Peak
Don't leak
Don't speak I feel numb
I feel numb
Don't project
Don't connect
Protect
Don't expect
Suggest
I feel numb
Don't project
Don't connect
Protect
Don't expect
Suggest
I feel numb
Don't struggle
Don't jerk
Don't collar
Don't work
Don't wish
Don't fish
Don't teach
Don't reach
I feel numb
Don't borrow Too much is not enough
Don't break I feel numb
Don't fence
Don't steal
Don't pass
Don't press
Don't try
Don't feel
Gimme some more
Don't touch I feel numb
Don't dive
Don't suffer
Don't rhyme
Don't fantasize
Don't rise
Don't lie
I feel numb
Don't project
Don't connect
Protect I feel numb
Don't expect
Suggest

Don't project
Don't connect
Protect I feel numb
Don't expect
Suggest

I feel numb

How to survive without Synthroid for 6 weeks in preparation for Thyroid WBS Part 3

2012-01-20T08:34:00.000-08:00

9 days have passed since the Scan number 1.
6 days since the Scan number 2.
Back on Synthroid for 9 days.
I am beginning to see the difference. I no longer need to nap for hours and I've been back at work. My exercise tolerance is pretty poor and last riding lesson on Sunday Jan 15 was cut short, because I was short of breath all the time. Riding is not just being a passenger on horse-back. Why even bother to ride...? It is one of those things I do, to prove myself I can DO it, prove those all-mighty doctors wrong. Why should I stay indoors all the time and give up something I love doing? I'd ride for five minutes, if that's the best I can do.

6 weeks without Synthroid puts enormous pressure on both physical and mental body. Everyone, as we all are individuals, handles it in a different way. For some it's a real struggle, for some it is easier. At the time when all I could do was ask for sick leave, I felt like s..t and all I could think was go home and back to bed. Few days after that I felt like I needed to lay down on the floor, because of extreme fatigue. I think I could have slept 24 hours a day. On top of all that.. my period was extremely heavy! Yikes!!!
And then, mammogram! Nooo way. Yes, I've been postponing it since last August, knew very well it had to be done, but there were days when I simply forgot, and another few days and weeks when I chose to ignore it. Mammogram was clear, not at all as bad as I had thought. Uncomfortable, yes. I nearly passed out when they were taking the oblique views, but it was really over so quickly that I had to "time" to pass out. I could have taken Brufen or Tylenol or something beforehand, but it all happened so suddenly. I went to have a chat with radiologist and all of a sudden I found myself in the "mammo room". I had a chat with another patient, who was very clearly alive, breasts not crushed, not in pain, not attempting to get out the department as soon as possible. Feeling encouraged, I went and had it done. It is worse than blood test, but absolutely not worse that pap smear. Definitely an option, when it comes to choosing whether to break my arm or having mammogram. I'll take the mammogram. I never thought I'd say this.

I guess it's like giving birth, that experience of labor, you forget it eventually, when you see the "result"- baby. I also find most of the days without Synthroid are slowly disappearing into shadows and I don't recall what that fatigue was really like. Was it really that bad..? Well yes, when I felt bed was no longer an option, that I had to rest on the floor, yes it was bad.
I questioned the need of thyroid scans, all these without my meds and lack of follow-up. My TSH dropped down to 127 and no one thought it is necessary to call me and ask if I am ok. Thanks be to God my husband, co-workers and friends were around, even though husband travels frequently and does not stay at home for long periods of time.
Once the Scan number 1 was done, I called the good old endocrine doc and said I'm starting Synthroid TODAY, no matter what, and I did.
Right now endocrine doc is waiting for tumor marker blood results and I feel he is dragging his feet and waiting for what... miracle..? Something that would say the scan was wrong and there is no activity at all. He is in denial..? Aww poor man.

He has most gorgeous eyelashes.

I did not "survive" those six weeks with his eyelashes in my mind.
I got out of the house, I rode the horses, I took yoga classes at home in front of the TV. I slept, I cried, I laughed, I watched cartoons and DVD's. I talked to people and horses, not really remembering a lot of those conversations.. I'd have loved to have stamina and courage to stay 100% with it, physically and mentally fit, but no, I could not do it.
6 weeks eventually comes to an end..

How to survive without Synthroid for 6 weeks in preparation for Thyroid WBS Part 2

2012-01-14T21:19:00.000-08:00

Thyroid WBS: painless, but takes a bit of time, so wrap up warm. Most of us, who are severely hypothyroid, are already cold, and I wish I had brought woolly socks and cardigan to wear. I had to get the scan done twice; second one took just 20 minutes, but first one.. seems like hours and hours. Technician, who "did" my first scan was there for the second one too, but his facial expression seemed as if... someone had burst his bubble. Deflated his tires. Planted a chewed chewing gum in his hair. Locked himself out of the house in 32 F. Oooops. and how am I supposed to feel then..? All of the above?
I actually felt nothing, just fatigued and brain fog has not lifted yet. I forget to eat and drink, when I do remember, I feel whole lot better.
"Under the scanner" yesterday I was feeling cold (made a mental note to wear thermal underwear next time). Feeling cold and uncomfortable (bring your fluffy pillow and mattress too lol), brought tears in my eyes. Nuclear med doctor came to chat with me at the end of the scan: There two "small" areas that lit up like a Christmas tree. Two?
CT scan of the neck last Wednesday showed a bubble like structure, and I wondered what it was.

TSH 127.28. Free T3 0.26. Free Thyroxine <0.79. TSH high high high, rest of the low low low.

I did not feel "radioactive"nor I was glowing in the dark. Boo hoo. Of course I knew that, but could not resist the temptation to ask Will I glow if I wake up at night? I might not need lights in the restroom then..? Awww that look of disbelief in their eyes. Gotcha!

Never give up your sense of humor, in fact now is the time to become wicked and keep it up.

When facing the mirror, and puffy eyed stranger stares back at you; YES it is you. Still you. Make the most of it. Milk it, as they say. Use the Cancer card. Read my blog and comment.

I've got to deal with what comes next. I have four options, and next step is thyroid ultrasound and biopsy. Possible biopsy I say, as if I have any say in this, but actually truthfully I do. It is my body and I can use and abuse (pun intended) it the way I like lol.
I am very much aware that each of us have our own battles and challenges. Simple blood test and the sight of needle may just be enough for some- and that's ok. Do whatever it takes to get it done. Some stuff is awful, creepy, disgusting, humiliating etc, but whatever it takes. You decide.
Friend of mine has a horse, but is scared to ride. I also own one, and sometimes I'd rather not ride. Scared of falling off, scared of countless "what if" scenarios, but because options are limited; either you fall off or stay on, this sort of mind-game becomes boring. So I keep showing up in riding lessons, ride, do my best 99% of the time and I can say I am half way there. Somewhere.
Same applies to nasty stuff that happens in hospitals. We may not care about everything they do us, but we keep showing up, sometimes intoxicated, because right then it is IMPOSSIBLE to even think about quitting, it has to be done no matter how unpleasant.
I had TSH level and tumor marker bloods done last week, felt like shit, but had to get it done. I took friend of mine with me. He kept me endlessly entertained with just being there, being present. There are people like this. He also tells me dirty jokes every now and then and I bet he could make some people veryyyyy uncomfortable. Someone like him, take him with you to scans, tests etc and life's just tiny bit easier for you. I might ask if he'd like to have date with me in ultrasound. For dessert we'll have biopsy. How about that?

6 weeks is a long time without Synthroid, even with Cytomel added there to make life somewhat bearable, but the end of it will come. Eventually.
I wish I had been able to take three honest weeks off from work, but did I not think I could just breeze through this one too. Not a walk in the park. I can't over emphasize the importance of sleep and rest. Watching TV and facebooking are excellent, as well as getting outdoors every day. Walk around the block is already great.

Neuropathy, ever so welcome visitor, attacked my hands last week- no doubt because of low TSH. I can't type anymore.

How to survive without Synthroid for 6 weeks in preparation for Thyroid WBS Part 1

2012-01-09T08:50:00.000-08:00

6 weeks- 1.5 months, 45 days approximately.
The hospital where I am going to have the scan has protocol that says stop Synthroid, start Cytomel for two weeks and then stop Cytomel too. TSH check prior to ingesting iodine 131 capsule. Now it looks simple enough written like this, and this is why I also thought six weeks would pose no challenge at all.
I stopped Synthroid in late November and felt almost normal. Cytomel caused right middle finger to twitch, and then proceeded to tremor so that I was totally unable to type and write- both essential skills in my work. Once Cytomel was gone, it was a rather rapid decline. Fatigue hit me first, then puffy eyes, fingers, toes. Then incredible tiredness. Then that sort of feeling that drove me to endo's office begging for magic solution, which in this case was sick leave.
You do not want to start cooking and planning weekly meal menus, when you feel this way. You might feel you need nothing to eat or drink at all. If you, like me had to stay on low-iodine diet for two weeks prior to iodine scan, that's another hurdle. I am very fond of bread and corn flakes and ice cream, and now having to limit those to almost zero was depressing. At the very beginning energy levels are still ok, it would really be worth planning some activities for those days off from work/school/studies, even if it just one activity a day. Worst for me was feeling I am trapped at home and there is no place to go. My horse and precious friends (thank you K, you know who you are!) kept me going, no matter how pale, tired, puffy and edematous I looked. I did feel at times that I couldn't go out at all looking like this, but I did.
Food cravings are another challenge! Carbs, carbs and more carbs! I succumbed twice and had spaghetti and garlic bread. Piece of chocolate on another occasion. I managed to find wheat free, salt free rye bread in one of the local stores, and it was a real treat!
When I made the effort to cook- stuffed peppers filled with onion, minced meat, garlic and mint and spices, I felt pretty much human again. Waiting for the real serious hypothyroidism to hit, and then begin to plan what and how to cook is just not always possible. The amount of energy that's spent in thinking and planning is just too much some days, and the easiest option then is reach for corn flakes and milk, or not eat at all. Both aren't good and we all know it- when I had spaghetti and garlic bread, I was just hungry and could not think about anything but food, preferably pasta, something very salty and tasty. I got all that- and felt no guilt either, not then, not today.
The diet is not 100% iodine free, but I guess as close as 100% as possible. It does not say "Thou shall not eat anything that contains iodine". It is a low iodine diet that sucks if you're on it long term and do not like the foods that you CAN eat. 2-3 weeks is pretty long term to me - of course nothing compared to diabetic, wheat free, renal etc diet. I'm just saying that maybe possibly one could cope without Synthroid, but with an added pain in the butt=diet it becomes much worse. Feels like there is no enjoyment left in life. Internet is full of low-iodine recipes, but if you've got no strength to get up and cook, then it is hard. If you plan ahead, prepare lunch, dinner and freeze them, then you are much better off I would say.

This is not the time to make long-term plans or financial decisions either.
Not the time to embark on major weight loss program, start training for marathon, even though some people may have done it.
There are days when "brain fog" just does not appear to clear. Can't read, can't write, type, remember what was discussed just moments ago. Your mood might be difficult to control- mine certainly was. Just feeling wrecked inside and outside, does not leave much empathy toward people, who carry on as normal, not having to worry about anything in the world.

Each of us have our own challenges to overcome, and preparing for thyroid scan is pretty simple and straightforward. Compare it with bone marrow transplant, major operation,recovery from burns, major financial loss, damage to property, violence, war,death of loved one, loss of limb or car crash. There is always something worse, but these just aren't on the top of the agenda when you can't get upstairs without getting short of breath. Each day is a step towards the goal, which is the scan, and then fingers crossed that it all goes well. "Be positive, think happy pink fluffy thoughts" and it will all be ok.
As long as it's done, not postponed when you've reached this far and then coping with the outcome whatever it is becomes just tiny bit easier to handle.
My mind, the state it is in right now, can't handle much more information- which really is just as well, because I could and should think about What if's... What if the scan is not clear..? Blood tests have already shown something suspicious in tumor markers in my case, so I really need a clean and clear scan. Let this be the last scan too. Pliiiizzzz?

There is something called Thyrogen, recombinant TSH, which has been used in preparation for thyroid scan, but our hospital does not have protocol for it in nuclear medicine. What century are we in? Can we not get it for our patients and make their lives easier? I've read about Thyrogen, but it is difficult to recall what I have read right now.. Brain fog. My aunt, who had chemo for breast cancer, always talked about "chemo brain". Brain fog should keep me and my co-workers entertained, when I return to work soon.

I cried last week, once, when there was something I needed to do- sign a paper, unbelievable. Simple stuff in normal circumstances, but not right then. Husband drove me to the office, I threw up in the car once on our way and once on our way back. I got into an argument at the "office" about signing the document, feeling nauseous and feeling like I could have thrown up on that idiot who was grinning behind the desk- no doubt feeling protected there. Since there was no way of attacking them physically (as if I would do that normally..), verbal abuse was the way to go. They wanted me to sign the document was well and a FINGERPRINT!!!!! Yo man, I must have not heard you correctly, but yes, there is was, ink pad right in front me. Ink effing pad! Fingerprint! All women must give their fingerprint. That was in Jurassic Era, mate. I asked that grinning idiot, whether he thinks I'm unable to read or write. Grin as response, nothing else and gesture towards the ink pad. Ok, they won, they got my fingerprint, perhaps not the one they initially wanted: my Middle Finger. Yay baby. On the way back home I cried and husband could say nothing to make me feel better.
I have since recovered, but this goes to show moods are very volatile during hypothyroid phase.

Part 2 will follow- perhaps it will make more sense then.
At least I will have scan results by then.
By then brain fog will have been lifted too, and I can see Myself in the mirror again, not some puffy Cookie monster.
Part 2 will hopefully contain something more positive- such as what did I learn from all this. If anything.

Happy 2012

2012-01-03T08:36:00.001-08:00

Here's to the future

2011-12-28T09:08:00.000-08:00

Off from work and more time to reflect.. perhaps. Only if I was not so tired. This is both mental and physical tiredness and it just does not go away no matter how long I sleep. Where is that post again "Surviving 6 weeks without Synthroid in preparation for Thyroid whole body scan"?
That post has not been written just yet. Not yet, but I am about to.

Few more days of 2011 left. Greatest achievements? Many, being healthy and happy most part of the 365 days a year, all those days were remarkable. Feeling, staying alive, keeping up. I passed an important healthcare quality exam. I rode in my show jumping competition- last one was more than 25 years ago! While I did not get clear round (the horse would have, had I not been sitting up there slowing her down..), I got that experience of being there and riding. Cross country riding did not end that well- I got half way through the course and full stop arrived at jump number 8. I fell, dislocated my shoulder and while the show must go on, mine did not on that day. Shoulder popped back into the socket, plenty of ice and shoulder was as good as new! Weird! It is actually feeling better than it was.
I mean don't go falling off your horses and bikes etc, it may not have happy outcome, but well, mine was- lucky. I was wearing body protector and riding helmet- without them it might have been a different story.
Falling off and climbing back on has not always been this easy! I fell off once in Dulwich Riding school, badly bruised, embarrassed, two broken ribs and broken bone in my hand and foot nearly got caught in the stirrup iron- it was frightening and I never went back riding there. Nothing to do with the horse, school, instructor- it was just me and my shattered confidence. Healing took time, but now I have a horse and ride almost every day. Most important, it is fun.

That is of course, when fatigue does not stop me.
Kundalini Yoga once again provided me with solution: one of Gurmukh Kaur Khalsa's yoga DVD's. Can't remember name of the kriya, but it does awaken me. I swore I would not get depressed and anxious this time, but unfortunately lack of thyroid hormone can really wreck person's life. I also did not think I'd become puffy and edematous, nauseous, gain weight, begin too lose hair, bleed extra heavily during my period- or is it all in my mind? We all react differently, for sure. My last scan was in 2004, but I barely noticed anything out of ordinary. Yoga teacher training kept me busy. Light sattvic diet was exactly what I needed, along with hours of activities to keep my mind occupied. Kriya a day and chanting surely help this time too, or else I believe I would be in bed all day long, thoughts of anxiety escalating. I must say I am happiest when I sleep!

Asking myself that question of what's my life like, and how much do I really truly appreciate being alive? The answer is I appreciate being alive. No matter how much these scans and blood tests try to put me down and tell me to dig a hole and stay there until I look presentable and "good enough" to get out of the house. When I spoke to my doc this morning, I burst out in tears. I don't expect he saw it coming, but I was feeling very fragile and I still am. Unable to eat anything I want... low-iodine diet will be my companion for the next two weeks. It's not just the scan, it's all this preparation that drives me madddddddddddd! Then yes, the scan itself, while it does not hurt physically, it can be quite a mental journey to and back from chambers of hell in the mind. What if... what then.. will I die? Put those filthy thoughts out of your mind! How do I feel right now? Pretty much ok. Not as if I had something alien growing in my body, surely I would have an idea, tiny seed of doubt in my mind, if this was the case. Cancer would not just sneak back into my life without some sort of alarm bells ringing.

These are things that can form vicious circle of thoughts and ideas, but fleeting moments of clarity enable me to see not everything is black and white on this circle. There are ways to get out and find hope.

My wish is that 2012 will bring joy, health and happiness to everyone's life.

Sunset

2011-12-22T02:47:00.001-08:00

Cancer story

2011-12-22T02:36:00.000-08:00

My cancer picked wrong person, just like cancer always does, and many other diseases for that matter. Mine was follicular variant of thyroid cancer, such a fancy name, I thought it would be nice to have it printed on a T-shirt. Two operations and RAI, and I was supposed to be feeling as good as new. The doc said "this is one of the best cancers you could ever wish for"- yes, and what are the other cancer types that I could also wish for..??? He had no answer to that question- proving my theory right that doctors don't know everything after all. I felt very pleased with myself; my doc has limitations and knowledge gaps. I don't have the world's best/easiest cancer after all!
Thyroid scans and Synthroid followed, and it was incredibly challenging to find the right dose of Synthroid. 8 months after the second operation I developed severe chest and upper abdominal pain (What now!?!?) and I was admitted again. Fever, iv antibiotics, Morphine, constant nausea, vomiting went on for two days and ultrasound exam revealed I have gallstones. Three giant stones, and "hundreds" of small. How many stones can you squeeze in gallbladder? At least three giant, and hundreds, if not thousands of "small" stones? I begged the doctor to operate, and on a Friday morning I underwent a laparoscopic cholecystectomy. Pathology report showed I had both acute and chronic inflammation of the gallbladder.
This all felt almost worse than the entire cancer episode! I had a JP drain in thyroidectomy incision, it came out easily, but not the one in the vicinity of the old bladder. Aaaarrrrgggghhh! One of the worst pains I could have imagined. But the drain is out and it is no longer part of me.

Cancer days are over, but it does not mean they have been forgotten. Thoughts of recurrence appear sometimes, especially when I go for check-ups. I had a chat with my oncologist two days ago, and he said he would be happy for me to pop in and see him once a year. He felt that recurrence would be very unlikely- and I am going to hang on to those words.

I am feeling ok, most of the time, no longer depressed as I was after the diagnosis and inbetween all the treatments and operations and scans and seemingly endless blood tests. The balance between hypo/hyperthyroidism is still difficult to find, I seem to slide between the two all the time, no matter how we try adjusting the dose. Crap! I feel much better without the thyroid, it was annoying me, but small white Synthroid tablets don't seem to work that well either.

Ong Namo by Siri Ganesh Kaur

2011-12-16T08:46:00.000-08:00

Lana Del Rey - Born To Die

2011-12-16T08:42:00.000-08:00

2011-12-15T08:48:00.000-08:00

1920hrs

2011-12-15T08:20:00.000-08:00

Nothing wrong with going to bed at twenty past seven in the evening..?
Probably not.
5 year "cancerversary" AKA anniversary is approching, it is just another month and a day away! 5 year anniversary warrants one more (fingers crossed) thyroid scan. In preparation I stopped Synthoid in early December and started Cytomel. Shortly afterward I began experiencing tremor; it started in my right had, middle finger and promptly proceeded to rest of the fingers. Right hand? Right. The one and only hand for using computer mouse and for many other countless tasks. Fatigue. Forgetfulness. I seem to be unable to remember what I was saying just a moment ago- these days I am writing everything down, all sort of instructions especially at work. I really have no desire getting into trouble because of poor memory, even though it is probably just short-term. And who says Cytomel is to blame? My memory has been ok, not excellent, but just fine, so Cytomel and fatigue and all other problems it has brought into my life, might be affecting memory too.
Dec 21 means just one thing: Discontinue Cytomel.
Party starts then.
I am sure I can beat short term hypothyroidism. The scan itself will take place in early January.

Am I worrying about possible recurrence? I may, but then memory issues take over and I could just easily forget I was worried moment ago. But honestly, I try my best not to worry.

Going to bed early sounds like a great idea- a fatigue fighter.

Ungrateful .....

2011-11-29T09:33:00.000-08:00

Offer to help someone, at home, work, public transport, pretty much anywhere. Most of the time I'd like to think person who steps up to help receives some sort of thank you. Verbal is just fine, smile goes a long way too; no need for chocolates and flowers, even though they are nice too :-)
But then, when you try your best, and when that simple thank you would have been all that's required, all you receive instead is an angry verbal outburst and truckloads of accusations and questions, selfless act of offering help does not feel such a great idea anymore.
So jeez thanks to yet another jerk in my life, I began wondering Why Oh Why was I so desperate to get myself into this mess. Nothing is ever very straightforward with this person. Should have known.
It is raining and it is cold. I sure hope that this ungrateful b....c realizes she could easily be left out in the cold very much alone. No offers of assistance are expected nor offered in the very near future.

FAIL

2011-11-09T10:30:00.000-08:00

Desert

2011-11-02T12:13:00.000-07:00

Sixth sense

2011-10-09T11:38:00.000-07:00

Do animals sense fear, unhappiness, joy? Do they also sense well-being and illness? Recurrence of cancer?

It's all in your head

2011-09-30T00:32:00.000-07:00

I met friend of mine few days ago and meeting was long overdue.I had not seen her in years, but at the same time it felt like no time has passed when we last met. We had lunch, it stretched into a three hour marathon lunch with delicious food, drinks etc. Restaurant staff appeared very pleased when we finally left, and yes we did leave generous tip too. That's not the most important thing anyway... She asked me questions about patient confidentiality; does it apply to all patients?
Yes it does, all the time. Even when I speak about my condition to healthcare professional outside hospital environment? Well it still should, but because some news is just soooo impossible not to spread, it may not work. Depends on the person you talk to, and whether they know their mouths should stay shut. My friend had confided in her classmate PT, telling him about her depression- something that she had not forgotten, but had overcome it. Classmate of hers was a nurse, who apparently did not think the information he received was confidential, because couple of weeks later everyone knew of it.
Guess who would feel joy and happiness over that sort of news, and the fact that someone foolishly thought the conversation would remain inside those four walls- it did for a day or two and then spread like wildfire.
All I could say was I am sorry to hear this, it should not have happened, but some people just can't keep it to themselves. "Confidential, yeah, whatever, do I look I care."
Once again, social stigma of mental illness is still out there and yes, I know it is very different that breaking an arm or contracting sexually transmitted disease. Being depressed does not make one any worse than anyone else and definitely not justify this guy's actions.
I trust that what comes around goes around and one day Mr PT may find out that his depression or whatever is common knowledge. How does that feel?

Lost opportunities

2011-08-22T05:31:00.000-07:00

Remember when something was just within your reach, and you did not reach for it?
It might have happened more than once, twice, three times?
Quite like when the alarm clock goes off in the morning, you get up and start your day. That's an opportunity that you did not miss.
Another time friend of yours invites you to dinner, you go, eat, have a chat, have fun. Not a missed opportunity.
Phone rings and I don't answer. Missed opportunity? Quite possibly.
Facebook friend request arrives at my Facebook "doorstep". Accept? No. Lost opportunity? Maybe. Yes.
Someone somewhere one day approached me. I was not quite in the mood of conversing with a stranger- and what do they say about strangers? Strangers are friends we have not yet met. Lost opportunity there.
Can''t say "Yes"all the time to each and every request and demand, but if your judgment, like mine, is pretty poor, then it's likely you've "missed"it- whether it is a lottery win, gorgeous man, gift from a stranger... Maybe it just was not meant to happen?

Talking about alarm clocks, I no longer need one. This furry creature "Nightowl" above is my alarm clock. 5am sharp, weekday or weekend, rain or shine, she is sure to wake me up.

Traffic

2011-08-19T02:54:00.000-07:00

Awww no not again.
- One lane leading to highway- a chap in a red Chrysler insists on getting in front of us, no matter what. Bloody ammonia head.
- One chap on driver's seat, two lanes, driving in the middle of them, on top of the white lane.
- My turn, to the left, this guy is driving 1 meter distance from my rear bumper and has this urgent need to get past, which he eventually does, ignoring the 65 km/hr speed limit. Black SUV.
- Red light=no turn right. This guy in another SUV sees there is no traffic and takes the initiative to turn, never mind the red light.
- Another one in Chevrolet wants the same lane where I am. Yo man, where is the indicator. Right or left? Useless. Needless to say he was not going in front of me and my vehicle.

Recognize yourself from any of the above? Get back into driving school, because it is obvious you got your licence by bribing the official. They call it "wasta"in our neck of the woods.

Super bad day

2011-08-03T03:30:00.000-07:00

Myself and a colleague are working together in this project at work. We've had several meetings with other subject matter experts, and we have progressed far. It's a relatively new topic for both of us, but my colleague is very skilled and experienced in this type of things anyway. Until this morning. Where did all that experience and skills possessed by by colleague leave me? Hanging in there, yes, with feelings of inadequacy, failure and hopelessness. Colleague has usually dealt with presentations in the meetings, I used to sit there feeling all of the above, and frustrated too. Then the magic word "I" appeared. Then "we". Then "I" again. Who did what, who did the typing, who did the presentation, who has taken more active role in this? Who found all the data, who modified it so that "we" can present it, and take credit what "we" have achieved?
After the meeting I approached (=ambushed) my colleague and stated that she is taking all the credit to herself by using the "I" word far too many times for my liking. We did it together, not just me, not just her. My presenting my case just wasn't successful, not the way I had intended. Wrong words, wrong time, wrong place. She took it really badly, got very insulted and by then it was too late. How do you take the words back that have already been said?
There is no way.
Treat others the way you'd like to be treated yourself. Would I like someone saying the same words, in the same accusatory manner to me? Did I mean everything I said, did I mean to say it the way I did?
By the time the meeting had ended I knew I had to say what I said, but in all honesty, truthfully I did NOT mean for it to sound so awful. But of course it did.
Yogi Bhajan's words below are the very same words I have read many times, but prior to opening my mouth today I did not remember how to get the message across so as not to make it sound like the worst possible crime.
My colleague's response to all this was that she has done her best, she has always included me in the project and has given me thanks and positive feedback. She ensured that I was not forgotten. Yes, she has. She had not used to word "I" in a manner that suggests she is the only person here. She had not meant it that way.
Piss poor job from my part, not the hours and work I had contributed, but how I said it all.
I don't think there is any need to emphasize that I didn't mean it to come out this way. I've said it, what's done is done and it can't be undone.
No one died, sure, but something between us did, and repairing this damage will take a long time. If it can ever be fixed at all.
We did talk it through, but there will always be doubt in the air- will this other person turn nasty again? Any future projects are definitely in jeopardy, at least projects between the two of us. I would like an instant fix, but there is nothing like that in this world.

Yogi Bhajan's advice can be found in www.3ho.org
webpages, and there is plenty of other stuff to explore.

Yogi Bhajan gave these five rules for communication:1

Rule 1: You are communicating for a better tomorrow, not to spoil today.

Rule 2: Whatever you are going to say is going to live forever. And you have to live through it. Therefore, take care you don’t have to live through the mud of your own communication.

Rule 3: One wrong word said can do much more wrong than you can even imagine or even estimate.

Rule 4: Words spoken are a chance for communication. Don’t turn them into a war.

Rule 5: When you communicate, you have to communicate again. Don’t make the road rough.

http://www.3ho.org/kundalini-yoga/humanology/communication

Summer of 2011

2011-07-01T06:01:00.000-07:00

Happy Holidays!

2011-06-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

Swan

2011-06-23T11:09:00.000-07:00

Heppu and Me

2011-06-23T10:24:00.000-07:00

Me and Don

2011-06-20T05:42:00.000-07:00

Lake

2011-06-19T04:01:00.000-07:00

Countryside

2011-06-17T10:33:00.000-07:00

Flowers

2011-06-14T07:17:00.000-07:00

Riding

2011-06-07T02:50:00.000-07:00

Grey's Anatomy

2011-06-02T03:10:00.000-07:00

"There is a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I would be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love? And then you don't have it. What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever ... "
-Meredith Grey in Grey's Anatomy.

"Love what is ahead by loving what has come before." - Yogi Bhajan

2011-06-02T03:00:00.000-07:00

Was it just a year ago... ? Or more..?
In a galaxy far far away.

Radiance..
It was myself and a friend of mine walking home after yoga class, along the river Thames in London. He asked me what I like in my life, I just burst into tears and replied "I like nothing in my life". He asked what would make me happy. What would make me happy indeed?
He held my hand all the way home, gave me a hug and told me to stay in touch, not to be a stranger, not to isolate myself.
This man has a big heart, he is caring, more than most others. His words were like magic, exactly what i needed to hear, right place, right time.

And this man is still somewhere there, I know this for sure.

Another one, here we go:
Not so in the distant past- I was somewhere on a mountain. Climbing up was not actually a pleasure, but the view from up there was fantastic, so rewarding. It was peaceful and quiet. I just felt good, the way I was supposed to feel when I am 100% present in myself. I was surrounded by a group of people, all on the same journey. On the way down the mountain I saw a llama, one of those Peruvian four legged animals. The llama's eyes were bright and full of wisdom. It took me a while to be able to turn my gaze away from that magnificent animal. This could have well been the highlight of the journey. Such a simple thing, but it was wonderful. Walking up and down the mountain, feeling negative and angry and even bored, physically so exhausted that uphill journey was a constant struggle. Yes, gravity did provide assistance in climbing/sliding down, but then the journey up had already wiped all that deep seated negativity and anxiousness out of my mind. I was free to enjoy the scenery.. and the Llama!

This one really and truly happened once, somewhere in the French Alps, breathtaking scenery, but it was already dark when our group finally made it to the top. Following morning beauty of this sacred site was crystal clear- there was no doubt in my mind then that I had reached one of the destinations assigned for me. There were no llamas, but I think I saw a cow!

When everything (not) goes wrong...

2011-05-29T10:00:00.000-07:00

Or at least when it appears so.. It just feels like all this crap picks one particular moment and then the floodgates open. Husband decides he needs a break. Ok, I let him have it. Riding lesson went down south, when I was not concentrating and new jodhpurs (yes, something/someone else to blame) caused me to slide all over the place on the saddle. Laptop refuses to recognize on/off button and would prefer to stay silent forever unless I leave it powered on... forever. iPhone got stuck in recovery mode- no doubt because laptop has to deal with it's own challenges, and could not and would not communicate with iPhone.
None of this is something that can't be overcome, but it may take some time. And I do have time, thanks be to God.

Dogs dogs dogs

2011-04-21T05:10:00.000-07:00

Fear of known unknown

2011-03-17T11:26:00.000-07:00

Those dreaded check-up's are approaching fast. Speed of light.
Dentist, ob-gyn, oncologist, endocrinologist, yeah let's just line them up all and why not invite all of them into the same room too. Why not add mammogram too? The title of "scariest/most unpleasant/embarrassing/humiliating experience" must go to ob-gyn. No matter what I do, no matter how many times I go to see my ob-gyn Peter, who is one of the gentlest souls in the world, I just can't get used to the idea of what happens at his office.
My latest (and the very last, I swore, but then find myself booking another appointment again..) appointment was while ago, and I went in after few sips from cognac bottle. Yes, cheers, straight from the bottle. No wonder my handbag was so heavy. Not the best cognac in the market. Needless to say, I was drunk and don't remember much what I said to the doctor. All I need to remember was that I managed to stay on my feet, did not embarrass myself totally and even managed to pay the bill, walk out of the medical center, appear somewhat coherent and hmmmm relaxed. It was quite an ordeal; when I arrived I promptly found restroom, took a sip or two in there, walked out, sat in the waiting room. Restless feeling. Thoughts racing around in my head. Kind of unreal- I am effing drunk!
As usual, I had arrived early and now sat there sporting waxy kind of smile on my face. People were coming and going, talking, reading books and magazines. All of a sudden good old doc opened the exam room door and calls for.... not me, but the previous client! Oh-oh. With fairly respectable effort, I get up off the chair and head back to the restroom. The floor has weird angle, like I was climbing a wall. I must be traveling on stormy seas. In front of me, in the mirror was rather peculiar sight; a drunk person. Appearance pretty decent, but drunken eyes! Where am I?
By the time it was my turn, I vaguely remember shooting up from the waiting room chair, straight into the exam room, past the doctor, who probably thought his patient has no manners. I suspect he knew all along, but after the exam and paperwork etc I confessed that I had taken few sips of something stronger than water. He must have seen it all, but I could detect some sort of weird vibe in the air, unspoken words that may or may not have ended up as written words in my file: "Patient conquered her fear of me, one of the most polite, kindest and gentlest ob-gyn in the world, by ingesting fair amount of unknown alcoholic drink prior to entering my office."
Patient, that would be me, stands up and confesses that she was shit scared, and can't tolerate an existence, albeit brief, of fear.
It is very well known and accepted fact that annual or less than annual check-up's are necessary. It makes sense to me, yes, even though it is another well known fact that I am stubborn and hardheaded at times.
The year before I turned up under influence of Valium, but it didn't completely numb me and my phobia, so that is the reason why I turned into drinking.
This year... well, nothing is set in stone, but I do not see how I would suddenly find the courage to go for all these appointments without some extra encouragement. By threatening to take my restroom and meal privileges away won't do a thing- I may end up canceling the appointments, every single one of them.
Visit to dental nurse was not any better. She cleaned my teeth with some sort of ultrasound cleaner, it kind of hurt and felt unpleasant, but did not take long. Then she spotted "something" that looked like cavity. Awww nooooo. No way. I've never ever ever had cavities in my life, nor am I going to have one now. Follow up at dentist's office next week proved that it was not cavity, but it was already too late. I had developed several scenarios in my mind, all of them cavity-related and I knew I would definitely need decent dose of sedatives before I let anyone anywhere near my mouth. Mind you, or any other part of my body. I had wisdom teeth removed under general anesthesia, because I threatened to bite off the dentist's fingers.
Preparation for this year's check-up's probably will stay pretty much the same.

Does a mammogram hurt?

Guilty!

2011-03-17T08:04:00.000-07:00

Cat

2011-02-25T05:36:00.000-08:00

Bon Voyage

2011-02-01T07:45:00.000-08:00

Off to a short trip to the capital tomorrow.

Shattered

2011-01-27T04:24:00.000-08:00

Awwww. Just when I thought things were gonna be "just fine"... Thyroid function tests are upside down, worse than ever to tell the truth. Miracle I am still alive.
Falling asleep during the day, never really feeling rested and awake. TSH levels have climbed into a new level - to celebrate the new year..? T3 and T4 levels all time low. How weird.
High cholesterol, high blood sugar and they made me drink that awfully sweet yucky glucose solution in the lab yesterday. Crap! The taste, at the very beginning wasn't that bad, but aftereffects were worse. They told me not to vomit, no to faint. I did none of the above, but felt it. Try concentrating on work then.
I am hoping, praying, all at the same time that this isn't the beginning of something much worse.

I am going out now for a walk with the horse. He has been a real treasure, very kind and gentle, perhaps sensing that I wasn't well.

Back to endocrine world

2011-01-20T08:06:00.000-08:00

Follow-up appointment next week- unusual for me as I decided at one point that I'd not let anyone interfere in my cancer free life. Well, things have changed. Perhaps the new year has awoken my more mature side? Or I just became desperate for attention?
Whatever the reason, I am going and get into the bottom of hypoglycemia, fatigue and few other symptoms I've been having recently. Husband got slightly upset when I hinted I may have diabetes. If he got upset, how on earth am I going to react to the news myself, that is if this truly is diabetes. If not, well, that's going to be moment of huge relief and I'll most likely burst into tears.. or uncontrollable laughter. And well, if it is, I'll probably do exactly the same.
They say losing weight may "cure" type 2 diabetes? Then that may well be one of my best treatment options- with or without diabetes.
As for thyroid ca, I hope it stays in the distant past.

No posts for 2011

2011-01-05T11:08:00.000-08:00

Not yet. Happy New Year, may this one bring all the happiness, health and wealth to each and everyone of us!
As for New Year's resolutions- they are secret!

First week of the year started hard at work and as a result I am already feeling shattered and the week hasn't even reached its end. Just that old realization that grass ain't always greener on the other side finally hit me, and it was as if the bubble had burst. In a way it did. In a blink of an eye I realized all of this- work mostly- was kind of a vacuum. Sit in there, feeling seeing hearing nothing, remembering bits and pieces of what once was.. It's both hilarious and disappointing. Disappointment; because The Others (yes, it's always them) dictate the way we behave, speak, listen. Always under a watchful eye. Hilarious, because I "see" all this weird stuff going on around me- and yes I am talking mostly about work here- but somehow I still retain the ability to detach myself from the reality, especially when bad stuff happens.
Now, not much of this makes sense, but then the beginning of twenty eleven has not made much sense yet either.
Translation into English: Once or twice some of us have thought that the grass is much fresher and greener on the other side. At first it is so. Then the "honeymoon" phase comes to an abrupt end and .. well... it's harder than hard to realize new job/school/girlfriend/that sale item weren't what we needed or wanted after all. Clocks won't turn back, and I won't get my October 1 twenty ten back either. That's when I signed my work contract, and thought this will be it, until I retire. I guess it is now just one day at the time- my husband tells me to adopt wait n see attitude, but my attitude is more like "don't ask, don't tell".

Cancerversary AKA anniversary of cancer free years is also approaching on the Jan 16, and that may actually mean more to me than the 1/1/11. I wish my yearly MRI wasn't scheduled after Jan 16, because it'd be a shame if cancerversary party wouldn't last weeks, months, years.. You know what I mean.. :-) Cancer isn't welcome into my life, no one else's either, stupid ca, stay away. You really chose the wrong bitch.

World weather report: well, it is pretty weird what's happening around the world. Floods in Australia, snowstorms, tornadoes, rain, earthquakes in England! Hot hot hot summers in the northern hemisphere. Are the culprits here the greenhouse gases..? Global warming? For how long do we believe there will be life on earth as it is today?
My heart goes out to all of those, who these severe weather conditions have touched in one way or another.

H1N1 wars. Handwashing empire and swine flu vaccine are striking back. H1N1 is retreating back into its corner and slouching in defeat.

Happy 2011

2010-12-30T08:26:00.000-08:00

New Year

2010-12-29T07:32:00.000-08:00

Old year is soon coming to an end, and what do we remember of this past year..?
First thing that springs into my mind is that precious moment, when my horse and I really "got it", when we became inseparable. Yes, me and my horse.
On January 16, 2010 was my two year "free of cancer" anniversary, and the 3rd year one is approaching. This time there are no "what if's" in my mind- cancer is past, and future, whether we re talking about weeks, months, years- it is all ahead of me.
Me and my husband too became more than inseparable. We also "got it", and realized we are in this together- all of us.
My eye has healed well, one more check-up in January and it's an official good bye to pterygium. Never come back. Stay away (Who'd have know such an alien thing even exists...).
My new job has opened loads of new avenues, brought new challenges and both tears and joy. Missing a meeting or submitting an incomplete document for review aren't something to be highlighted or remembered years and years in a row- they are part of the learning process and no one apart from myself punished me very harshly. Of course I am perfectionist and want to achieve 100% in everything. Yeah, in that sense my memory is a curse, that I don't forget and forgive myself easily. Challenge for 2011..? Forget, forgive.
There is always room for improvement.
Things that I did not achieve were weight loss, as well as complete recovery from depression, but I guess I am on my way, at least able to admit that I'm not always feeling bright and cheerful.
I am going to keep my schedule relatively tight over the next year- but definitely enough room for just doing nothing, relaxing, sleeping.. and few 100% challenge-free days.

Nasty neck spasms and other ailments

2010-12-22T08:56:00.000-08:00

Deskjob causes great discomfort in many ways. Sitting all day long, bad posture, typing furiously whilst on the phone, dealing with more than three tasks at the same time, cup of coffee, buried under papers and documents.
It all began with numbness in the fingers of right hand, weird kind of tingling. My body can't take any more.
Neck spasms are awful, real abuse. I'm off to massage followed up a visit to drugstore- good bye neck spasms.

No excuses this time

2010-11-01T08:09:00.000-07:00

I missed a meeting at work last week. And then another today. I had no excuses this time.
How is this going to improve my performance rating..?
It won't. Quite right, I felt awful and I still do and now I am questioning myself "Why, how, what, where?", vicious circle once I got started, same thoughts in my head and I can't forget even for one minute.
Husband told me "Don't be stupid, pay attention on your job". Quite right.

Something that went wrong like this, how do I make it right?

Room full of surprises

2010-10-26T08:11:00.000-07:00

Survival Guide- Pterygium

2010-10-17T08:25:00.000-07:00

Pterygium is:
a) gravitational force field
b) eye disease
c) floral pattern

Wikipedia tells is as it is:
"Pterygium most often refers to a benign growth of the conjunctiva. A pterygium commonly grows from the nasal side of the sclera. It is associated with, and thought to be caused by ultraviolet-light exposure (e.g. sunlight), low humidity, and dust."

Pterygium is sort of eye disease- I wonder how common it really is, because I had never heard of it until I found one in my eye. It was a filmlike worthless growth, not painful at all, but caused irritation and became bright red telling the truth about my sleepless nights. Tiredness, wind and sun seemed to make it worse. At first I thought it's like cling film, something that could be used in kitchen to cover the leftovers and pop the container in the fridge. So I tried to scratch it off, but of course nothing happened- sloppy performance. It was there to remain and nothing except from a sharp knife or another kind of instrument would remove it.

I had my procedure done as day surgery, hospital in the morning, home in the evening, which suited me very well and I recovered from general anesthesia (bless those mind-altering substances!) by the time day surgery ward closed. I was asleep throughout the whole thing, just did not feel comfortable hearing and "feeling" things happening around me, so sleep sleep sleep was the way to go for me. Local anesthesia works well, that I can say from experience, having had eye pressure checked numerous times prior (and as an afterthought, after surgery too) to surgery. But just the thought of someone poking my eye with sharpest tool in the box.. It was a NO.
After surgery I was little nauseated, no pain at all.

The first week wasn't the most comfortable week in my life, but not the worst either. During the worst moments, Brufen/Panadol took care of the discomfort, I would not even go as far as saying it was pain. Just discomfort. Eye drops and ointment caused more headache so to speak, it was kind of a challenge to get the ointment to go where it was supposed to go: not on the top of the eyelid or on upper part of cheek. Into the eye, somehow.
Eye is still red, but white part of the eye is getting back into its normal "white" condition- no pain at all, eye drops daily x4. Eye opens well, eyesight may have improved, but I am not sure about that just yet. I don't even know if pterygium affected eyesight, how far it had really grown. Well of course the doctor explained all this, but I could only absorb so much information- the part that I considered important at the time.

The thought of having something "alien" in my eye was strange and almost as soon as pterygium appeared and I found out what it was, I knew it had no place in MY eye, and out it comes, sooner or later. Latest vision check-up shows perfect vision in the right, and 25/20 vision on the left, this is pretty good I think.
Good result, as good as it can get. Doc said that he removed it all, it was pterygium, nothing malignant, and that message meant the world to me. It was not a painful separation.
Definitely an eye opener- pun intended.

a-ha - butterfly, butterfly (the last hurrah) - official video

2010-09-12T05:06:00.000-07:00

Unfit and short of breath

2010-09-10T00:34:00.000-07:00

Those who have experienced frequent fluctuations in their weight, know this: one day your weight is within "normal" limits, you feel fit and energetic, just to "wake up" one day to realize things have gone into opposite direction. Fit, but fat. High BMI. Obese, overweight.. yeah something like that. Not everyone is blessed with ultraspeedy metabolic rate. It's much easier to walk amongst the crowd, unnoticed for months and even years, pop into coffee shop, enjoy the latte and croissant.. until one day clothes do not fit. Image in the mirror looks.. ok. Off to the shops and buy something bigger to wear. Stretchy clothes are the best, they cover multitude of sins. At the same time no one including me notices the gain of extra pounds.
Weighing scale, an enemy shows a reading that simply must be wrong.

Yes, I am obese, near the crossroads of being "just" overweight, but let's face it, BMI of 30.5 is classified as obese. I did not think anything of it, because I could still wear size 12-14 clothes. They still looked pretty good on me, not the most comfortable and best fit, but still they fit.
Having been denied bariatric surgery (as I am not morbidly obese, neither am I diabetic or have any other debilitating condition), I realized I've got to do it on my own.
Not totally alone, of course. There are gyms, personal trainers, walking and running tracks etc, yoga classes.

First step cutting back all unnecessary stuff such as pastries, cookies, Pepsi, candies. It is still soooo hard to pass by the cookie shelf at the supermarket. Cheesecakes, fresh white bread, chocolate chip cookies.
Second step: remember the 12 step program for AA. Yes, it might be the best decision to cut it all out, no cookies. One small single cookie may be the beginning of snowball effect and eating habits become erratic again.
My new job gives me regular hours, an opportunity to exercise, eat sensibly. Insomnia is non-existent, I sleep better and can survive well with just 6 hours of sleep as opposed to 12 hours before.
Of course healthy eating and exercise contribute to good night's sleep too.

Off Pepsi for weeks now and soon after that my life became much better; good quality sleep. Brighter skin (thanks to glycolic peels too). More energy.

I'm not saying this is going to be easy as it was much easier to eat eat and eat.
I've got to fill the empty spaces that food left in my life with something else. I am an unfit fat yoga teacher, but it's not too late.

Hong Kong

2010-08-26T03:59:00.000-07:00

Hey you, tailgater

2010-07-30T00:07:00.000-07:00

This is not my last, or the first post of weird driver performances in traffic.
On my way home from work, on a narrow road, I saw fast approaching pair or bright shiny headlights in my rear view mirror. All of a sudden they were, few inches to spare between his and my car. Brake time! Even red brake lights did not slow him down, not mine anyway and his luxury car was missing the brakes altogether! Considering he was at least a mile away when I turned on this road, he must have been speeding as well, just like he was doing right now. I say "he", because this Speedy Gonzalez parked his car when he reached his destination- same as mine, and I saw him getting out of the car, looking all smug and proud of his white maximum performance Nissan Maxima. Yay! Car ain't even his property, it is daddy's!
I could just stand there and look and wonder what sort of punishment this chap deserves. I stood and wondered so long that he was already gone.
But wait, there's always next time, and the next and so on, and next time I'll take a photo of both of them and call 911.

Another one for your entertainment: two lanes leading towards home (as always..). Speedy Gonzales in GMC stops at the red light, just after he has overtaken me twice (don't ask me how he did it, and I was well within the 65 speed limit). Light's RED, bright RED but the moron decides for him it has already turned GREEN, brightest of all. GMC ready for action, he turns to right and I stay behind- no words, but, yes, this is another Kodak moment!

What's the excuse of speeding? Tail-gating? None I say.
Airbag may save your life, or it may not, all that's needed is one crash and adios speedy four wheeled vehicle. It's a different story what happens to life itself then. It is not just YOU, the driver of Nissan Maxima/GMC, alone in this world, but many others too. Would your consciousness tell you you are still this good likeable chap if you went to killed someone else in the process? I don't know and can't imagine how, if ever, one can get over the thought of killing someone you love while showing off in daddy's white Nissan Maxima.
There are people dying of cancer and many many other things all over the world- why is it that some drivers have death-wish?
Nothing against GMC/Nissan Maxima drivers, but those two often stick out like a sore thumb.

Sights of Paris

2010-07-20T03:52:00.000-07:00

Fell off the wagon

2010-07-07T11:58:00.001-07:00

Grey's anatomy ended in a strange, but fascinating way and I am going to keep watching. One thing I quit is FarmVille. They kept losing my horses, newly built stable, harvester and crops that I had already harvested, kept withering. New addiction is FrontierVille, but I much rather go visit my horse and farm all I can at his stable.

One of the weirdest most disturbing nightmare last night: I left, came back, found myself climbing up high rise building wall and onto balcony, then let myself in, found my room. Filthy, looked like it was already occupied (why didn't I utilize elevator, instead of rock-climbing on the building wall..?). Then I met my new housemates, but thought this is sooooo weird.. And what happened to my horse? Where is everyone I know? Kept delaying going to the stable, and when I finally did find my way there, I was told my horse died two weeks before I returned. All I saw was an empty stall! Then I woke up and realized it was just a nightmare, but still it felt so real.
It was much worse that all cancer nightmares, real and in dreams, that I have ever had.

New job is waiting just around the corner, in October. Waiting and waiting.

Lady Gaga - Alejandro

2010-07-07T11:58:00.000-07:00

To New Beginnings

2010-06-28T04:39:00.000-07:00

Looking forward to starting a new job. Soon.

Taio Cruz - Break Your Heart ft. Ludacris

2010-06-10T21:58:00.000-07:00

Odd post

2010-06-09T00:09:00.000-07:00

Today is the official "hate cancer" day.
My thoughts are darker and negative, therefore the blog post won't be long today.
Can't it be eradicated, could the same that happened to the dinosaurs happen to cancer too?
Au revoir cancer.

Le Tour Eiffel

2010-06-09T00:03:00.000-07:00

To Bangkok and back

2010-05-21T01:21:00.000-07:00

Carter is back in ER. After all of them old ER staff, Dr Greene, Carol, Dr Weaver etc left, the whole show felt empty. Then came Grey's anatomy, but now that Dr Carter is around, even for a short while, ER is back in my list of Top 10 things to do and see.

Eye surgery is just around the corner, question is when and where. Bangkok? It's one of the options, especially at the Bumrungrad Hospital. There are many more hospitals and doctors, whose scalpel will soon cut into my eye, so all I need is to make the right decision, decision that will save my eyesight.

Farmville keeps me entertained and provides an escape from reality. How wonderful would it be to live on a virtual farm, forget all about eye disease, headache, work and taxes.

Rednex - Wish you were here - Final Fantasy

2010-05-20T23:16:00.000-07:00

Live for today

2010-05-06T13:10:00.000-07:00

I feel sometimes that I have nothing, but I know that I have everything.
Living from one check-up, scan, blood test to another is no life, I've got to have something else to live for.
May 30 is getting closer, and that is another day of torture while I wait to hear the verdict.. melanoma or no melanoma.. Is it really truly possible to live like this, from one challenge and catastrophe to another, waiting to hear if life is for living or does it need to be stored away for some time?
Restless times around the world, same restlessness as inside my mind.

What if I had to give up all I have?
Where would I go to escape?

Time to take this seriously

2010-04-29T22:14:00.000-07:00

.. face the fact that I have recovered from cancer, but to realize now there are other challenges ahead..
.. need to plan how to get the pterygium growth removed; when, where and how much?
.. fix my diet right now ensuring that I won't develop diabetes that requires insulin or tablets, that could be harder than hard to control. Just saying No to all sodas, chocolates, pastries.. and of course my beloved ice cream. Watch others enjoy them, but I'll probably never be able to touch them otherwise I get that terrible urge to hoard all the world's chocolates and ice creams into my house. And binge eat them all.

Sugar rush

2010-04-26T06:37:00.001-07:00

Something weird happened today, something that has happened before, but it was just so much stronger today. Few years back in yoga teacher training we had healthy nutritious food all week, I felt fine with that, even though I could not grab my usual daily snacks and stuff that I used to eat without thinking. Somehow not even realizing I had opened refrigerator door and taking something out of there..
During this yogic week I realized it is very much possible to live with less food as long as it is nutritious. Plenty of water and tea. No caffeine, no sugar.
At the end of the week we had wedding celebration and wedding cake at the end. Tasty, very delicious and old habits die hard so I took one piece and second helping too when it was offered. Sugar went right into my head! I felt like I was drunk.

Earlier today I had a very similar experience after eating ice cream. Not a big portion, but almost immediately I felt lightheaded and nauseated. Ice cream no longer causes diarrhea, but acts in a very different new way. I don't know if I prefer this to diarrhea, but no one's asking me my opinion- just reminds me I'm not invincible. Can't choose, can't change the fact that sugar and me don't match. As we get older, diabetes or other stuff may not come as surprise. Poison singer Bret Michaels had brain hemorrhage, and he also has diabetes! He's also relatively young.

Sugar overload. Is this beginning of diabetes?

Let's fly again

2010-04-26T06:05:00.000-07:00

- Next seat passenger had too many bags. Member of cabin crew asked him to store them under the seat. The bag was just too bulky to fit in anywhere! So he stored them on the window seat, then sat his even more bulky frame next to me. 3.5 hour flight was a struggle for survival of the fittest, i.e. who gains the armrest. At the end none of us did, but I got a taste of his elbow every time he adjusted seat belt, his position etc. A weird but wonderful fact of him was that he never really spoke, not a word. Quiet flight ahead I thought, until he requested a glass of water brought to him: "Sister, water!". Oh ok, he can talk then. He could talk ok, but he really could not figure out how to use the seat belt, so that gave me plenty of entertainment.
- At the end of the flight each and every passenger stood up, even before seat belt sign was switched off. ALL of them in a narrow corridor. I attempted to protect myself by holding onto laptop bag and managed then to avoid most of the elbows. Was I glad to get out of the aircraft.. Yes!! But at the same time have to be grateful I even got to fly- volcanic cloud kept most European airports closed for quite a while.

Stranded

2010-04-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is supposed to be the day when I fly to London, but it doesn't appear there is much hope of any flights departing.
Stranded, but not desperate (yet), but of course miss my hubby and the horse and will not travel without them ever again. Horse may not fit into suitcase, but I'll find a way :-)
One option I've been considering is carpooling to Central Europe, from there who knows.. Not sure how easy it is to get hotel rooms, book train/bus tickets etc, but I'll try. Aiming to Spain or Italy or Greece. Somewhere there.

Clean bill of health

2010-04-15T23:26:00.000-07:00

Dentist: No cavities. Clean bill of health.
Ophthalmologist: Left eye is far-sighted and has astigmatism. Right eye normal. Left eye has a benign growth called pterygium. Wikipedia, ever so helpful, says: "Pterygium most often refers to a benign growth of the conjunctiva. A pterygium commonly grows from the nasal side of the sclera. It is associated with, and thought to be caused by ultraviolet-light exposure (e.g. sunlight), low humidity, and dust." So it is not melanoma or diabetic retinopathy.
It's not actually painful at all, I barely notice it, but it is there all right and made me wonder what alien growth I got in my eye. Treatment for the pterygium seems more complicated; Wikipedia talks about conjunctival auto-grafting, strontium therapy, mitomycin and amniotic membrane transplantation.
If anyone has any information about the treatment and/or can send me link to relevant website, I'd be most grateful.
Pterygium- a benign growth, but it is still somehow disturbing. The doc said it has "not invaded the optic area yet".. Not yet. What happens when it does?

Fun fun vacation fun

2010-04-04T00:56:00.000-07:00

My latest post gave no credit to BA, and I swore I'd never ever fly with them. Unfortunately, or fortunately, whichever way we'd like to think about it, my flight was a codeshare flight between BA and few other OneWorld airlines. So I had no choice, hop on aboard and fly. I arrived, my luggage arrived and I was happy. Yeah, I alomost forgot, it's strictly business, just one piece of luggage allowed to be checked-in, if you insist on checking in another one it will cost £35 per bag. Still, it is good bye BA, I'd look for other alternatives, even traveling on a boat would be a better option.. Besides, the alternative airline this time was cheaper! A lot cheaper.
Security was a hard chore, removed my boots and jacket and was I just imagining it, but the chap at the security checkpoint appeared disappointed when it turned out I was not carrying metal objects or weapons of any kind. Well, I am not clever enough to even think of inventing a shoe bomb or anything like that. So they had to let me and my bags go in peace.
Vacations are awesome, it takes few days to forget all about work etc but the brain finally gets the message and the vacation has begun!
It feels perfectly safe being in another environment, in different parts of the world and my vacation this time will take me in four countries, kind of a race against time.
All that's not part of this environment, stays away; insomnia, cancer, failed relationships, diet Pepsi, hoofbeats, scorching burning heat and the sun and many more. I've refrained from checking work e-mails.

Months ago me and hubby were watching Mrs Doubtfire, and so totally immersed in the movie that the rest of the world seemed so far away. Not just because me and Mrs D have few things in common, but because it was such fun and great entertainment. I feel a bit like living in Mrs Doubtfire world right now, rest of the world nowhere to be found, safe in a cocoon, nothing bad can happen.

Dedicated to the thyroid gland

2010-03-29T00:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Thyroid,

It has been more than two years since you left me.
You were misbehaving for almost 10 years, if not more, so I needed to make arrangements for your "removal". It was not easy to make you leave me, but the decision of making that happen was veryyyy easy for me. Very much so. You grew bigger, smaller, huge, large, then shrank again and I had no neck. You simply were a nuisance! Your were no longer called "thyroid", you had become an alien: goiter.
For the first time in my life I have a neck! There is just a small scar as proof that you once existed.
I do not miss you, but at times, very rarely wonder where you ended up. Probably somewhere in the trash bin- kind of a sad end, but I assure you it was the way to go.
You were part of me for many years, you'd think I miss you, but I do not.

Since you left, I have been replacing you with Synthroid, little white tablet. Hard to get the dose right, but I am surviving.
Fatigued, but surviving.

Arrivederci BA

2010-03-26T08:22:00.000-07:00

Let that be the very last time I book any flights with British Airways.
They have just canceled my flight, and as a result all my other plans have been canceled too. Hotel bookings that cannot be canceled, are non refundable and altogether I have lost probably more than US$1000.
So it is good bye and adieu BA.

White tail and other stories

2010-03-22T11:05:00.000-07:00

From time to time things and events from the past just surface, just like that. I guess same happens to many of us, we could be doing anything and all of a sudden something funny/painful/embarrassing/ -fill the gap- comes into mind.

Starting from yesterday.
Paradise on earth- even though it is man-made: Ritz-Carlton in Bahrain. I spent few wonderful days there, doing absolutely nothing. Well, I had massage and facial, but did not need to do anything myself. Then I had a walk along the beach, which is just so lonely. Big city around, but still it feels so tranquil and serene, it's like being on another planet. Pink beautiful flamingos bathing in a small lake (pond?).
The hotel itself is amazing. All the rooms, no matter which part of the world they face, are luxurious, but of course it is much more exciting to be facing the seaside.

When I was recovering from thyroidectomy, not particularly in pain, but nauseous, in the recovery room. Anesthetist passes by and says "Give her Metoclopramide" (= which must be one of the most well-known antiemetics AKA anti-nausea meds). Yep, good idea for some, but I am allergic to it, so advice to this healthcare professional is check patient's file and other relevant information first and don't just offer your opinion of a patient who is NOT even YOURS!
If I knew or even remembered him, I'd give him a piece of my mind.
Trust your doctor, but not blindly. I think us patients know something more about our condition than a passerby, never mind he might be an almighty anesthetist.

Cancer memories aren't always bad- without it I wouldn't have met many of the people I know today.

Once upon a time.. very very long time ago I was at home, preparing to go to work. I had sprained my wrist, but there and then decided I need a shower and unwrapped and removed the bandage. After the shower it felt fine, so I thought bandage is no longer necessary. I could always re-apply it later. Off I went to the metro station. 1/2 mile walk.
At the station, I felt uncomfortable and kind of weird, because some people were looking at me.
Finally, one lady approached me and said "Err, have you noticed that you have a tail?"
Tail? Dogs and cats have one, but surely not humans.
She was pointing at my backside. 'Something white.. like a tail.." Yes!!!!! IT was the BANDAGE. The one I had just left home, or so I thought. Sticky tape, which I had forgotten, which held the bandage in place was now stuck on my butt. Thank God for the kind lady who pointed out I had a tail. I had carried it with me for more than 1/2 a mile and no one along the way found it weird that I have a long white tail.
Well, I felt that the tail's tale had come to an end and threw it into trash bin.

RAI brain

2010-03-12T08:53:00.000-08:00

While writing this I am enjoying a slice of blueberry cheesecake and wondering how am I going to lose few more pounds before my vacation.. I probably won't.
One day last week I ate crisps, whole bag of salty crispy tasty crisps..
Ice cream, Aero chocolate.
One day last month I realized I had been taking double dose of Synthroid, because I did not "read the label" or the small print. That was the time when I had severe insomnia, 4-5 hour of sleep at night and I was really suffering at work.
Yoga practice has dried up too- how do I get back to it? My last two yoga teachers have been excellent, motivating and inspiring bunch of people. I can't inspire and uplift myself enough right now..
RAI or radioactive iodine; how does it affect our brain? Could I blame fatigue, lack of motivation and boredom on the RAI?

Imagine

2010-03-03T02:08:00.000-08:00

If human body was designed invincible, that no disease, misfortune, accident would strike him/her, then hospitals would be totally unnecessary. All the healthcare personnel would be instantly unemployed- that includes me!
No cancer, heart disease, depression, obesity etc.
No tablets, operations, needles!

I like the idea.

Nightmare

2010-02-21T03:49:00.000-08:00

I am a sleep-walking zombie today.
Went to bed at 11pm last night, ended up reading horsey magazine for an hour and "slept" at midnight. Kept waking up almost every hour, and sometime in the early morning hours I had an awful nightmare: melanoma metastasized into brain. Was it me, I am not sure, but when I really woke up, feeling a bit fragile, at 11am, I had to check I have no extra scars or damage in my body. No, nothing.. Maybe I've seen enough craniotomies and such lately, and then the brain came in to my dream (nightmare)- uninvited, unwelcome.
I am off to see The Horse now, perhaps riding too if we both are in the mood.

Wear your seatbelt

2010-02-10T09:59:00.000-08:00

Somehow men and machines don't match. Men might not have been created in riding fast cars, motorcycles, airplanes etc, at least not ALL men.. and women. While I was working in a busy trauma intensive care unit, I saw some horrific injuries. Not just broken bones, but much worse, just like in a horror movie. Wounds, bruises, missing limbs, brain contusions, spinal injuries, burns. Most of the injuries from car accidents,ignoring speed limits, not wearing seat belt. That's probably the worst part in here! Insurance may replace your car, but no one can give you your life back. Even an accident may not teach some fools anything at all.
Those speedy people should be given a horse and carriage instead. And those who are the cause of an accident, should lose their drivers license for the rest of their lives. But wear that seat belt, every time you drive, it may save your life.

No Sleep Part 2

2010-02-07T12:08:00.000-08:00

Same old..
No sleep. I had a cup of coffee at 5pm, but this is almost six hours later and I can't sleep.
Today: movie "One Night Stand"- Wesley Snipes, Robert Downey Jr etc. Windy and cold outside. Had salad for dinner and I am definitely not feeling hungry/thirsty right now. Moved into new house last week, everything is arranged and organized, Facebook accessed several times, status updated and Farmville produce harvested.
I guess first I could do is get off line, let the computer rest and actually go to bed.

I no longer have nightmares of cancer as such. Last week I had a nightmare of a situation where "they" were attempting to insert an iv cannula into my poor quality veins and as usual, could not find one. Next step central line, and then I woke up wondering if it was just a dream. After inspecting my veins, I was convinced it was indeed a dream. Once, an anesthesia tech had to search and search for a vein, I think he got it after 4 attempts. Thanks be to God that he used Lidocaine local anesthesia to numb the skin. At that point I was so used to needles and cannulas and things that I didn't really feel anything, but if you asked me now, I'd say all sorts of sharp objects terrify me and I don't want them anywhere nearby. Can one get used to lab tests, injections, iv cannulas- all involving a sharp object..
I'm not so sure about that. But at some point everything, including my mind and body, became numb (and not just because of Lidocaine) and it's almost a viable option to leave the body until the painful procedure is over.
Weird and fascinating.

Somehow we all survive and live through all this, but have any of you developed a serious dislike of medical centers and everyone (almost) wearing a white coat?
This is what lack of sleep does to me.. Apologies.

No sleep

2010-02-01T12:00:00.000-08:00

Insomnia= many questions+no answers

10pm: bedtime.. but maybe not just yet.
11pm: no sleep.
11.30pm: still no sleep
midnight: bedtime, feeling tired, ready to sleep, but the mind and the thoughts are ever-present.
1 am: still awake
1.30am: get out of bed, watch TV. Count sheep, dogs, parrots. No sign of sleep.
3am: noooooo
4am: what if..
5am: alarm clock: time to wake up.

Ok, I did not sleep, but tonight I will go to bed early. Drink warm milk, take sleeping tablet, something, anything.
And stop thinking, because evening is not the time for questioning, making decisions, not just before bedtime anyway. At least it is my best intention, but what happens when the real bedtime arrives?

Bullying

2010-01-28T08:05:00.000-08:00

Bullying seems a fashionable word- and there are reasons behind the "fashion". Workplace bullying, school bullying, just to name few. Anti-bullying groups are appearing everywhere, especially in Facebook. Newspapers, websites frequently publish news of bullying. One schoolgirl recently published a list of names of the bullies, who she wanted to kill. Another school girl was being bullied and attacked by thugs at school, 20 or more people nearby and NO ONE did anything to help!
Now, more than 20 years has passed since I finished secondary school (isn't it amazing how time slips by?) but I still remember how I was bullied there by handful of boys and girls, who thought they are better than anyone else on the earth. And yes, because they thought I was a loser. Many times I have been tempted to publish their names somewhere in a very public place, but instead of doing that (not yet, at least), I thought I'd go visit my old school and talk to their students about bullying, and how it can be overcome, one day. I am still VERY tempted to publish their names... Name and shame, no boundaries, no constraints.. looking at the painful past.
TR, one of the bullies, was an unemployed fat drunk at some point.
TS, was spotted in a local pub, by one of my friends and told him off for being a bully. He had nothing to say.

Leena, Kimmo, Toni, Vesa, Harto, Mirva, bullies of my (old) life, here's to you:

I wonder if rest of the bullies have gone on and become flawless and successful in their lives. Somehow I doubt that, but come on bullies, come forward and tell me.

At school, there was bus transport just for us kids. To enter the bus, we had to form a queue, and I was ALWAYS the very last one. Journey home took about 20 minutes, but each of those minutes felt longer than an hour. I was forced to listen to threats, swear words of all kinds and shouting.
In the morning, bullies were the last ones to be collected from their part of the city, but they made some weaker kids book seats for THEM, kings and queens of the world. My friend was bullied too, but I think I got the worst of it. Inbetween classes, we spent some time outdoors. Once we managed to hide from the bullies, but next time they found us, threw snowballs at us, verbal threats and calling us names that I don't need to repeat here. In those days, if you weren't strong enough to stand up for yourself, it was all fighting a losing battle. For me, one of the contributing factors was my "odd" family name, that the clever bullies could play with. ML, one of the boys pointed out that I looked like a boy in the 3rd grade classroom photo! I regret that I can't find that photo right now, I'd have published here and sought for extra opinions. Well I can have a laugh about it now, but at the time when I was 9 years old, it was not funny.
Secondary school was bigger, but the unwanted bullies followed. They continued bullying in classroom, kicking me, whispering abuse, and once when teacher halfheartedly interfered, I sheepishly had to say "nothing was happening". This went on from 1979 to 1985, in various forms. It was mostly verbal abuse, mental game, emotional blackmail; I received couple of kicks from selected few, but thank God nothing more. Often I wondered if these people are human.
One incident is crystal clear in my mind: I was probably 13 years old, felt sick and vomited all over in school corridor! Shock horror! Everyone gathered around to witness the miracle: "that one" vomited! From then on, I was known as the One Who Vomited. Bullies used to make jokes begging me not to vomit on them. I think that's exactly what I SHOULD have done.
Bullies were left behind when I went to high school. Adios, arrivederci, auf wiedersehen.

I never met any of them again. They are probably buried up to their necks in something, screwed up. Somehow vanished off the face of the earth.
For little while I felt like an emotional cripple, unworthy and spaced out, but I've recovered. It may not feel same when you are 16 years old and going through this type of ordeal, but it is POSSIBLE to recover. It may not be possible to forget, but forgiveness is a virtue and it can be found. As for me, it is most fascinating to entertain thoughts of whereabouts of the bullies and what they have become in their lives. Most satisfactory answer would simply be a LOSER. Do they remember at some point of their lives what school did to them? Or was it the school- teachers, fellow pupils- what made them feel so angry that they had to take it out on someone else?
What I know about them is that they were gullible, insecure, non-human, deeply unhappy children- perhaps they were abused at home by their parents and siblings. I'll never know, I guess. I don't feel any compassion toward them, but it does not mean I can never forgive them. One day.

I'd not recognize them if they accidentally stepped on my foot in crowded train. Wherever they are, I know for sure, they are not living anywhere in my neighborhood. And if they read this, I can tell them know I am happy. I have a loving husband, family, nephew, friends and four gorgeous cousins back home. I have a horse, I have work and there no trace of cancer in my body! 2 years and 13 days cancer-free!

Battlefield

2009-12-24T09:26:00.000-08:00

Christmas can be such fun and bring a lot of brightness into one of the darkest seasons on the earth. For some, for children and families, it is a celebration, bringing families and relatives togather, but for some it just brings more loneliness and misery. Being alone, no friends, no family around. For some, work is the only salvation- works allows many people be lonely, but not alone.
I will be working both Christmas and the New Year, even though that was no part of the grand plan. In between jobs, so to say, I got caught in a trap and my working days landed perfectly in the midst of the season of celebration. Working one or the other of these holidays would be fine, to be fair, but not both. And not without asking an employee first. A simple " can I ask you to work on these days" would have been enough for me. But NOTHING like that happened and I felt insulted, abused, hurt, angry, sad- all at the same time. Not a good start for a new job nor for 2010. Workwise not a good beginning, but for the year in general, I am hoping it will be a good one.
Well, time to get over it, Christmas Eve is drawing toward the end, lights are out and I am soon going to bed, sleep, and get ready for another day. Whilst being very well aware that my issues right now are very minor compared to such people, who never made it home early for Christmas, because their flight or train journey were canceled. Or delayed. Or something even worse that none of us really want to think about right now.
I am going to have a glass of something, definitely stronger than water and sleep.

The holiday season can be an awful challenge for some, but next year may not be the same. It might not be that depressing, lonely and frustrating. I have spent a New Year alone in London, watching fireworks in the city, standing on the hill somewhere on the Hampstead Heath, feeling cold, miserable and very much alone. A crowd around me, I was feeling not only cold, but uncomfortable, like I needed to carry a banner saying I AM NOT A LONELY LOSER. Following year I was invited to a party, where I was surrounded by another crowd, this time not really feeling 100% comfortable, but at least NOT alone. Another year: I was at home, not expecting to go anywhere- so I fell asleep in the late afternoon, and woke up in the early morning hours of 2009. Then a year after- which is this one; I will be welcoming the New Year at work! *#$@+(*&^~`Grrrrrrr! There are many different ways to celebrate, but which one to pick. For sure I am not going to be one of those sleeping through the change of the year, not this time.

2009-12-18T04:07:00.000-08:00

Cold fall morning

2009-11-26T23:02:00.000-08:00

" I want your love and I want your revenge You and me could write a bad romance "

2009-11-26T22:27:00.000-08:00

What a weird song, this "Bad Romance", but as soon as I heard it on TV, I thought it may well work. Not that I am caught in a bad romance. I am not caught at all, but I may end up buying Lady Gaga's album, no matter how hard I try resisting.

People, who spread nasty untrue rumors of others, should be banned from existing. There are few not so kind hearted people at work, who love nothing more than rumors, gossip and spreading lies all over the place. How does it really truly feel when one knows what they talk about is not true? What does this person gain? Higher status? Nooo way, not in my eyes. So Miss PB, don't talk about stuff you couldn't possibly understand. By gossiping, you turn into a smaller than an ant, worthless piece of artwork, in my eyes.
While talking about colleagues, who consider themselves higher than God, we could name and shame them, but we won't because it would be lowering ourselves to a "smaller than an ant" - level. A humorous description of few may suffice: there is one, who I call a "lawnmower".She always manages to bump onto another person, and I am definitely NOT invisible, and I am not the only one.. There are others, who this person has mistaken for grass. Hey, there's long green grass in the horizon, let's bring the "lawnmower" in! It's me first, just me and my simple lawnmower-style world.
She's definitely a weirdo. Never ceases to amaze me how she can totally ignore another person's presence, that is when she does not need anything from you. When she does, she can be cunning and convincing and loving and the sweetest little Easter bunny all at the same time. Yuck, I say!

Trans-Siberian railway: it is a fascinating idea, kind of an adventure that I'd like to experience. Train journeys are exciting. I've traveled through France, from England to Scotland, by Eurostar- traveling through Russia all the way to Beijing would be a dream come true.

Hong Kong harbour

2009-11-16T22:31:00.000-08:00

Hunters of The Lost Confidence

2009-10-08T10:04:00.001-07:00

On horseback that is. Yesterday I tried few very easy jumps, but the horse stopped before each jump- my mind was telling him "don't jump". I could have done it 20 years ago, an eager and fearless pony clubber, but today my main concern was do I still know how to do it? The horse knows, he has fantastic experience in cross-country jumps. One half a meter high jump would be nothing of a challenge for him. Poles on the ground went well, in trot and canter. Weird thing is that we jumped a cross country jump last week, not a very complicated jump, it came kind of all of a sudden in trot and I thought we'll just go for it. And we did! Perfect jump, perfect landing and I didn't fall off.
I was wearing a body protector yesterday, the horse has long mane (just in case..) and he does not bolt or run away. Perfect horse, less perfect rider, but I am not judging myself too harshly, it might have not been "my day", no jumps.
Call in the instructor, riding lessons might be in order.

Life as it is today

2009-09-26T07:45:00.000-07:00

Life is vulnerable. It is not fair, it brings sadness to others, joy to another, but it is still there. I am aware how my life has changed within the past 10 years and how lucky I am to be here today, having everything I have, being grateful for it.
Living without pain. Two days ago sciatic pain forced me to either walk or stay in bed, sitting on a chair was out of question. Today, I have no pain and I am extremely grateful. I woke up at 5am, without pain, without that fatigue I have suffered from for quite some time.
Today I had pasta and chicken for lunch. How lucky that I had an opportunity to eat. In the early hours of the morning I went for a walk. Cool fresh air, peaceful and quiet. How lucky I was there too.

I am very much aware this could end at any time, all this could be taken away from me. Therefore it is important to remember- and I try- that each moment is mine, my decision to use those minutes and hours the way I choose. Yes, there are moments when I forget. But then I remember.. and I am grateful.

Animal Cruelty

2009-09-21T10:13:00.000-07:00

No news is often good news.. news, when they happen such as this one http://www.horseandhound.co.uk truly is bad news. Happened in England in April, I hope by now they'd have caught that horrible person, who is guilty of animal cruelty such as this. And yes, let that person burn in hell. It is disgusting that people such as this idiot exist. And as always, this is just my opinion here, but I am sure many people would agree with me.

"Shire horse foal shot in horrific attack in Lancashire

Nick Rutherford, H&H newsdesk

16 April, 2009

Check out the latest H&H subscription offers >>

Police are hunting for the person who shot and maimed a seven-month-old prize-winning foal in a "horrific attack" at a remote farm.

Shire horse Cara was blasted with a shotgun at close range while she was being sheltered by her mother at Buckhurst Farm, near Ramsbottom, in Lancashire.

Experts fear that Cara, who was exhibited recently at the Peterborough Show, may be left with long-term breathing and feeding difficulties.

She is being treated at Liverpool University's veterinary hospital.

Police are appealing for any riders, ramblers and mountain bikers who might have seen or heard anything at the time of the attack overnight of 9/10 April will come forward.

Detective Sargeant Nikki Bithell, of Rossendale CID, said: "This was a heinous crime which has left a defenceless animal with horrific injuries.

"The motive for the attack is not known at this stage but we are following up several lines of inquiry.

"We believe this was an isolated attack and don't believe that other horse owners are at risk."

She added: "We need to catch the person responsible for this terrible atrocity which has left an animal maimed. Its trust of humans will, without doubt, be affected, possibly for life."

Anyone with information is asked to contact Rossendale CID on 01706 237347 or Crimestoppers, anonymously, on 0800 555 111."

Fly with me

2009-09-15T04:29:00.000-07:00

Flying can be fun and quite entertaining, that is if the seat is comfortable, service is excellent and if you are lucky enough, passenger seated next to you is exceptional... or even better, the seat next to you is EMPTY. That does happen nowadays, when H1N1 and few other things prevent people from flying. we all know what these "things" are- terrorist and bomb threats, coughing and sneezing fellow passengers, fear of flying and disease transmission, expensive flying, inconsiderate fellow passengers, turbulence, fear of seat belts.. etc..
On my flight 3 days ago seat (70D)was not comfortable. The seat next to me was empty, but what did the passenger on the other (70G) do. At first he was listening to music, headphones on, but the volume so loud that I could hear each and every word of the song. That was not enough, he turned on both his and "empty seat passenger's" video screens, volume to the max, sooo annoying and inconsiderate, Star Trek and a Chinese movie. Had I know what comes next, I'd have said keep the music on. Dinner time: he was one of those without any table manners. Burping, sniffing, smacking his lips. I was spared from seeing him finishing his dinner as I fell asleep, only to be woken by loud music straight from the headphones.
Young man, wearing a cap, headphones on, sunglasses on but facing "backwards, somehow attached to the cap.
He may not have any hearing ability left when he gets old if he carries on like this. Anyway that's none of my business. To hear or not to hear.
Next thing he decided to do was sleep, using both seats, the empty one next to me as well as his own. No prob, I just felt that he was tad too tall for two seats. He arranged his pillows and blankets- I was following this with great curiosity, and next thing I felt was pillows leaning on my arm, and his head on the pillow. Now!! That is just too much. I moved my arm, his head popped up "soriiii" he said. Yeah right. I lost count how many dirty looks I gave him and called him "Pig" but none of that registered in that head of his, perhaps hearing already damaged by love songs he was listening too bloody loud. On top of that he did not know how to wear seat belt. Mild turbulence on the way, el capitan ask us to wear seat belts, but not this one, noooo way. He either did not care, did not hear, did not want to.. or all of the above. Sigh...
Flight was full, no seats nowhere in sight and I just could not be bothered to ask to change the seat, incase I'd land sitting next to someone even worse.

At the end of the flight: a spectacle. The plane still in the runway, some hasty ones jump up and get their suitcases out of the overhead compartments. Seatbelt sign on, no matter what cabin crew says, this happens at least three times. Unruly passengers should be thrown out of the plane? Unbelievable, totally uncivilized, seat belts are there to be worn, rules to be followed. Poor cabin crew boys and girls, they've probably seen and said it all, but it keeps happening again and again.

Star Ferry

2009-09-09T23:19:00.000-07:00

24 hours of sleep

2009-08-24T03:15:00.000-07:00

Incredible tiredness, all I want to do is to sleep. Endo told me to increase Synthroid dose, and at first I felt it actually made a difference. But now, I could sleep 24 hours a day. I am off to vacation late September, by then I'd love to be able to do something else than just sleep.

Ok it seems blood tests need to be repeated again and thyroid antibodies better be where they belong, i.e. undetectable. Who needs antibodies in their lives?

Emergency Wars Part 1

2009-08-23T00:09:00.000-07:00

Not mafia, vampire or dragon wars. Not star wars either.
Here's the scenario: two people, one of them a mafia wars hero on level 343. The other one, possibly an ordinary warrior, who is about to lose the fight, because the mafia hero has brought with her a powerful army of weapons, soldiers, armor, vehicles- just like in the very real mafia wars in facebook: machine guns, rifles, cannons, flak jackets. Excellent results, proven results in everyday mafia fights.
The ordinary warrior alone against "El Capitan" will certainly lose, El Capitan with or without her army.

Only this time it is a verbal attack, even though El Capitan feels like few muskets and body armor would not go to waste in this case. Verbal attacks becomes unbearably violent, words and sentences flying across the room, and it is clear none of the fighters are ready to lose. You ain't got the last word here. The warrior thinks she has won, but no, it is too early to come into any conclusions. El Capitan has the right words in her head, she writes them down and deciphers an accusatory note, defending herself and her invisible army, tells it like it is, there are no innocent parties in this war. The war is not over yet, El Capitan knows it, the Warrior knows it too.
Words are powerful, they can cut the heart open, they can heal, they can cure, they can be formed into mightiest insult. At times one may be a master of words, at another time it is a real challenge to find the right words. Sometimes thoughts form into words and without thinking, they just slip out and there is no way of taking them back.

El Capitan may still win, but 50-50 result would not be too bad either, not in this case.
A lot is at stake here. Whole life, house, job, fiancee, travel, pets. Win or lose that is the question.

There is always hope!

2009-08-13T02:26:00.000-07:00

"Factors	Score
distant Metastasis: Did the tumor spread to other parts of the body outside of the region of the neck?	yes = 3 no = 0
Age at the time the tumor was found	Less than 39 years = 3.1 over 40 = 0.08 x age
Invasion: Did the surgeon see that the tumor had extended beyond the thyroid into other regions of the neck?	yes = 1 no = 0
Completeness of resection: Were there parts of the tumor that the surgeon was unable to remove (for example a part that was attached to the windpipe)?	yes = 1 no = 0
Size of tumor (measured by the pathologist)	0.3 x size in cm

Once the score for each factor is calculated, they are added up to get a total MAICS score and this total predicts the likelihood that the patient will live 20 years from the time the tumor was discovered. Fortunately most patients fall into the low risk category (MAICS score less than 6.0) and are cured of the cancer at the time of surgery.

20-year survival rate according to MAICS score
MAICS Score	<>	6.0 - 6.99	7.0 - 7.99	> 8.0
20 yr Survival	99%	89%	56%	24%"

http://cpmcnet.columbia.edu/dept/thyroid/staging.html

Recently I found this extraordinarily fine website by Columbia University Medical Center, NY- and I am not saying this just because it is by far the only website giving me the exact answer I have been looking for. Do I Have Any Hope Left? I knew the answer all along, of course there is hope, but part me wanted to see it as numerical information, which in a way makes it easier to comprehend. Numbers are numbers 123456789 and so on, and one of may just bypass all statistics, live longer, much longer than anyone could predict, and when I hear of such an event, I say thanks be to God- doctors were wrong with their prediction
I have not heard or seen doctors here using MAICS score, but it probably is not something brand new?

Another question is thyroglobulin; and the following website:

http://www.doctorslounge.com/endocrinology/articles/thyroid/thyroglobulin_cancer/index.htm

clarified this somewhat.
My endocrine doc does not really give clear answers regarding thyroglobulin and I have stopped asking. Instead I am on a hunt to find a new endocrine doc, who can actually concentrate on one task at the time. Answer questions, admitting it if he/she does not know the answer. The present one knows me, but not well enough hehee :-)
Cancer issue pops up each day at work, most of the time they are my clients, but they remind me of how fragile life really is.

London Docklands

2009-07-26T10:09:00.000-07:00

I'm up here

2009-07-21T23:10:00.000-07:00

Where is the fish?

2009-07-07T22:15:00.000-07:00

Did you say it?

2009-07-03T13:11:00.001-07:00

"Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow." -Meredith Grey

Is the grass greener on the other side?

2009-06-28T11:17:00.001-07:00

Uncertainty of life and people and work.. Especially work..
Then I begin wondering what else is there. Where else to go? Caribbean? Asia? Europe? Australia?
I am a world traveler. Somewhat less nowadays, but my mind does not settle. It keeps working and burning lot of nervous energy.

Colonoscopy survival guide

2009-06-28T10:05:00.000-07:00

I had a colonoscopy done recently, it was something that needed to be done, but I was not too keen.. I didn't know what to expect, until the preparations got underway. They probably vary from one hospital/clinic to another, but in general it is all the same: clear the intestines. My friend told me to think about it as a free colonic irrigation.. Yeah.
According to Wikipedia, this is the definition of the procedure: "Colonoscopy is the endoscopic examination of the large colon and the distal part of the small bowel with a CCD camera or a fiber optic camera on a flexible tube passed through the anus. It may provide a visual diagnosis (e.g. ulceration, polyps) and grants the opportunity for biopsy or removal of suspected lesions."

The day before I wasn't eating any solid foods, in fact I was dreading this cleansing procedure and had no appetite at all- at the end this was good, as nothing much "came out". GoLytely is the name of the awful foul tasting cocktail, that needs to be mixed with water and "flavoring". Adding orange flavor does not make it orange juice, but to make it 0.05% easier, store the cocktail in the fridge. According to the manufacturers, the solution is then more "palatable". 4 liters of palatable solution. I began drinking at 4pm and continued until after 6pm. After that no glass of that stuff went down however hard I tried, but by then I had already drank 3/4 of the contents and decided it MUST be enough. Yuck!
If one can find something distacting to do, such as watching a movie, Grey's anatomy, Facebook, it greatly helps in this task. If not, well, then it's staring at the plastic container, wondering what poison it contains.. potassium, NaCl, sodium bicarbonate, PEG..? But for sure it works! Be near the restroom, or if you cannot, if you are stuck in front of the computer screen playing Vapire Wars in Facebook, then ensure you are wearing a diaper or something similar. When it's time to go, then it really is. The goal is to get it all "clear", until no fecal matter is left in the intestines.
To be honest I thought I'd suffer more, but all I had was nausea, which got worse the more glasses I had emptied, and three quarters of the stuff had been consumed. During the evening and night restroom became my best friend. My previous every-day diarrhea episodes were even worse, so this time the challenge was to drink without throwing up. Such a bad taste! Apple juice/GoLyte and so on, drinking one sip of each, it was working for a while. On top of that, 3 Dulcolax tablets, laxatives, need I say more.

One the day itself I went to hospital feeling a bit weak and shaky. I didn't really sleep, and felt hungry and thirsty and just hmmm.. a bit nervous- isn't that normal..? At least I bravely made it to the hospital. Changed into a gown (leave the socks on), no fancy underwear needed. No high heels, no make up, because when you are upset and cry, make up won't last. No one's going to notice anyway, all attention is drawn to the long black endoscope (is that thing going to enter my body..? no way!!) and most of us look the same in a hospital gown anyway. Stay warm and ask for an extra blanket. I did. My blood pressure was high and heart was about to jump out of the chest (are you anxious..?), even more when they wheeled me into the "torture chamber". Sterile white walls, monitors, bright lights, all kinds of weird stuff that makes one wonder what it is for. Hospital in general make me nervous and this time was no exception. One of the technicians called me "sensitive"- well how would you like to swap places with me I asked, and she was quiet, what to reply to that question, both us knowing I am the patient, she is not.
During the procedure I was asleep and honestly did not remember anything! I don't know how long it lasted, what happened, if I was in pain, if I was restless.. I don't know. Sedation is the key thing, without that I wouldn't have lasted long. That's just me, maybe in some places they are not that generous with sedation, but my personal threshold for pain and discomfort is not that high and if sedation is offered, then Great. Yes please. Pre-procedure tension was definitely there, no matter what people say "relax, take it easy", it's just not going to happen. Post-procedure I felt I was anxious for nothing but as always when it is something unknown (and seeing the endoscope itself did nothing to lift my spirits..), that just to way it goes. I don't know if it gets easier if one needs to go for the 2nd or 3rd colonoscopy, for me, I think I'd be doing the exact same, getting anxious, upset etc. Funny enough, the thought of embarrassment was the least of my worries, probably because the staff received me so well, treated me professionally (apart from that tech who called me sensitive- well think about swapping places and HOW would you feel..?), with sense of humor too.

On a scale 1-10 (10 being the worst imaginable) this procedure lands in somewhere between 5-6. Pre-procedure anxiety and drinking the GoLytely achieved score 9. Sedation, which wiped an uncomfortable memory out of my mind scores 10. In fact, sedation made me feel colonoscopy never happened, therefore scoring the procedure does not feel justified, as if it never existed, it was never done.
There are always worse procedures, and easier ones, but each of us at the end react in a different way and that's just how it is. Had someone else written this, it could have, and would have been same in some parts, or not at all similar. If my writing might encourage someone, then great. But if you've gotta go for colonoscopy, go, don't leave it just because you read someone (=coward)'s story- it might not be the same at all, probably won't be.

La vida es corta..

Bad for good

2009-06-19T07:37:00.000-07:00

Drivers.. once again I feel I have to mention few remarkable (not) driving performances:
- speed limit 70mph, and still there are those who feel they have to drive 50mph or less. they are not bothered by my flashing headlights, and that is all I have done so far. No honking the horn, no rude gestures.. yet. I'm not planning to speed, but if 70 is allowed then let me drive 70. There are two lanes, the right one traditionally for "slower moving vehicles" and the left for faster ones. Ask me why I did not overtake.. well, I don't have answer to that, but previously, every time, slower moving vehicle has moved out of the way therefore not requiring me to change from one lane to another.
- one incredible parking performance. one chap reversed just into the parking spot in front of our car and left us few inches to get our car out. This was next to sidewalk. Well we barely got out, but not before this chap got out of the car. Yellow-blue T-shirt, kind of a loser-looking guy carrying an Adidas plastic carrier bag. Needless to say he did not get his car parked correctly, it was half way out on the road, so I hope the representatives of law caught him in the act.
- once again, losers can't find the way to indicate they want to turn LEFT or RIGHT. If the indicator function is not working in the car, or one cannot find it, just point a flag outside the window and indicate which way you are going. Idiotas estupidos. How an earth did they get drivers licences..?

Good old diarrhea, it's never-ending. Burger King hamburger meal caused so many cramps and pain that I might not eat at BK for sometime. Until my intestines calm down. Cramps woke me up at night several times.. Each time I manage to prepare my own meals (fish- occasionally chicken, rice, pasta, all with minimum of spices and oil) I feel better and get through the day. Eating hamburgers etc is okay, but I've got to pay the price later.

They never returned

2009-06-02T21:39:00.000-07:00

It is heartbreaking to hear about plane crashes such as the recent one somewhere over the Atlantic. Those poor souls vanished just like that, never to be seen again. It makes one wonder how much family, friends, relatives, co-workers really are appreciated- there will be a day when they won't be around anymore. Some may be easily forgotten, some won't be. It could be you or me one day, and probably will.. death and taxes are some of the things that happen in this life. I guess paying taxes can be avoided, somehow, in some parts of the world, but death cannot.
It just seems to arrive too early for some, and for those who'd wish for death it does not arrive early enough.

Each day reminds us of how fragile life is- no matter what.
My reminder was the yearly thyroid scan, which did not look promising as there are some "new" lymph nodes. New? I can't explain it, I don't know what they are, but one thing I know for sure: no more needles, no more biopsies, by all means bring out the scalpel and cut them out. Don't bother with biopsies. My cousin had a biopsy, sample taken from a giant tumor just below her heart. It wasn't a challenge to "find" the tumor, it was right there, but she freaked out seeing the enormous needle, which was about to catch a piece of the tumor. Yuck. I've seen those needles and they ain't pretty.
On a more positive note, daily occurring diarrhea seems to have settled- by not having any dairy and wheat. Lettuce and vegetables are still often undigested, some blood appears every now and then, but I've stopped self-diagnosing for the time being and wait patiently for the colonoscopy. Some nice sedation would be fab, could I please have a decent dose of whatever it is that you guys use there? Please?
My cousin had the same, and she said she was glad she did not know about the test beforehand. I know what it is, but at the same time I don't- I've not experienced it myself. My mind begins to build a bigger and a more serious story about colonoscopy, until it invades my dreams, turns them into nightmares and then I know I've to stop right there. Leave it. I don't even have an exact date yet.

Good bye ice cream

2009-05-27T02:13:00.000-07:00

That's it. Good bye, adios, arrivederci, ma'assalama, adieu, auf wiedersehen. No more ice cream- and this is just after realization that I had indeed found an ice cream that I love. I loe its taste, texture, color.. everything. And now I can no longer have. Dairy products are probably playing a major part in my diarrhea and it starts with ice cream. No more Baskin Robbins, Ben&Jerry..
During my days off I have been experimenting with various "foods" and trying to find out where am I going wrong. Yesterday was one of those days when I barely made it to the restroom, and since then.. hmm.. not all details need to be shared, but let's just say I was practically living in the restroom for the remaining hours of the day. Yuck.
I've always loved all kinds of dairy products, but this may be the end of the road- instead look for lactose-free products, if they'd be somehow suitable.