Fear of known unknown

Those dreaded check-up's are approaching fast. Speed of light.
Dentist, ob-gyn, oncologist, endocrinologist, yeah let's just line them up all and why not invite all of them into the same room too. Why not add mammogram too? The title of "scariest/most unpleasant/embarrassing/humiliating experience" must go to ob-gyn. No matter what I do, no matter how many times I go to see my ob-gyn Peter, who is one of the gentlest souls in the world, I just can't get used to the idea of what happens at his office.
My latest (and the very last, I swore, but then find myself booking another appointment again..) appointment was while ago, and I went in after few sips from cognac bottle. Yes, cheers, straight from the bottle. No wonder my handbag was so heavy. Not the best cognac in the market. Needless to say, I was drunk and don't remember much what I said to the doctor. All I need to remember was that I managed to stay on my feet, did not embarrass myself totally and even managed to pay the bill, walk out of the medical center, appear somewhat coherent and hmmmm relaxed. It was quite an ordeal; when I arrived I promptly found restroom, took a sip or two in there, walked out, sat in the waiting room. Restless feeling. Thoughts racing around in my head. Kind of unreal- I am effing drunk!
As usual, I had arrived early and now sat there sporting waxy kind of smile on my face. People were coming and going, talking, reading books and magazines. All of a sudden good old doc opened the exam room door and calls for.... not me, but the previous client! Oh-oh. With fairly respectable effort, I get up off the chair and head back to the restroom. The floor has weird angle, like I was climbing a wall. I must be traveling on stormy seas. In front of me, in the mirror was rather peculiar sight; a drunk person. Appearance pretty decent, but drunken eyes! Where am I?
By the time it was my turn, I vaguely remember shooting up from the waiting room chair, straight into the exam room, past the doctor, who probably thought his patient has no manners. I suspect he knew all along, but after the exam and paperwork etc I confessed that I had taken few sips of something stronger than water. He must have seen it all, but I could detect some sort of weird vibe in the air, unspoken words that may or may not have ended up as written words in my file: "Patient conquered her fear of me, one of the most polite, kindest and gentlest ob-gyn in the world, by ingesting fair amount of unknown alcoholic drink prior to entering my office."
Patient, that would be me, stands up and confesses that she was shit scared, and can't tolerate an existence, albeit brief, of fear.
It is very well known and accepted fact that annual or less than annual check-up's are necessary. It makes sense to me, yes, even though it is another well known fact that I am stubborn and hardheaded at times.
The year before I turned up under influence of Valium, but it didn't completely numb me and my phobia, so that is the reason why I turned into drinking.
This year... well, nothing is set in stone, but I do not see how I would suddenly find the courage to go for all these appointments without some extra encouragement. By threatening to take my restroom and meal privileges away won't do a thing- I may end up canceling the appointments, every single one of them.
Visit to dental nurse was not any better. She cleaned my teeth with some sort of ultrasound cleaner, it kind of hurt and felt unpleasant, but did not take long. Then she spotted "something" that looked like cavity. Awww nooooo. No way. I've never ever ever had cavities in my life, nor am I going to have one now. Follow up at dentist's office next week proved that it was not cavity, but it was already too late. I had developed several scenarios in my mind, all of them cavity-related and I knew I would definitely need decent dose of sedatives before I let anyone anywhere near my mouth. Mind you, or any other part of my body. I had wisdom teeth removed under general anesthesia, because I threatened to bite off the dentist's fingers.
Preparation for this year's check-up's probably will stay pretty much the same.

Does a mammogram hurt?

Guilty!

Cat

Bon Voyage

Off to a short trip to the capital tomorrow.

Shattered

Awwww. Just when I thought things were gonna be "just fine"... Thyroid function tests are upside down, worse than ever to tell the truth. Miracle I am still alive.
Falling asleep during the day, never really feeling rested and awake. TSH levels have climbed into a new level - to celebrate the new year..? T3 and T4 levels all time low. How weird.
High cholesterol, high blood sugar and they made me drink that awfully sweet yucky glucose solution in the lab yesterday. Crap! The taste, at the very beginning wasn't that bad, but aftereffects were worse. They told me not to vomit, no to faint. I did none of the above, but felt it. Try concentrating on work then.
I am hoping, praying, all at the same time that this isn't the beginning of something much worse.

I am going out now for a walk with the horse. He has been a real treasure, very kind and gentle, perhaps sensing that I wasn't well.

Back to endocrine world

Follow-up appointment next week- unusual for me as I decided at one point that I'd not let anyone interfere in my cancer free life. Well, things have changed. Perhaps the new year has awoken my more mature side? Or I just became desperate for attention?
Whatever the reason, I am going and get into the bottom of hypoglycemia, fatigue and few other symptoms I've been having recently. Husband got slightly upset when I hinted I may have diabetes. If he got upset, how on earth am I going to react to the news myself, that is if this truly is diabetes. If not, well, that's going to be moment of huge relief and I'll most likely burst into tears.. or uncontrollable laughter. And well, if it is, I'll probably do exactly the same.
They say losing weight may "cure" type 2 diabetes? Then that may well be one of my best treatment options- with or without diabetes.
As for thyroid ca, I hope it stays in the distant past.

No posts for 2011

Not yet. Happy New Year, may this one bring all the happiness, health and wealth to each and everyone of us!
As for New Year's resolutions- they are secret!

First week of the year started hard at work and as a result I am already feeling shattered and the week hasn't even reached its end. Just that old realization that grass ain't always greener on the other side finally hit me, and it was as if the bubble had burst. In a way it did. In a blink of an eye I realized all of this- work mostly- was kind of a vacuum. Sit in there, feeling seeing hearing nothing, remembering bits and pieces of what once was.. It's both hilarious and disappointing. Disappointment; because The Others (yes, it's always them) dictate the way we behave, speak, listen. Always under a watchful eye. Hilarious, because I "see" all this weird stuff going on around me- and yes I am talking mostly about work here- but somehow I still retain the ability to detach myself from the reality, especially when bad stuff happens.
Now, not much of this makes sense, but then the beginning of twenty eleven has not made much sense yet either.
Translation into English: Once or twice some of us have thought that the grass is much fresher and greener on the other side. At first it is so. Then the "honeymoon" phase comes to an abrupt end and .. well... it's harder than hard to realize new job/school/girlfriend/that sale item weren't what we needed or wanted after all. Clocks won't turn back, and I won't get my October 1 twenty ten back either. That's when I signed my work contract, and thought this will be it, until I retire. I guess it is now just one day at the time- my husband tells me to adopt wait n see attitude, but my attitude is more like "don't ask, don't tell".

Cancerversary AKA anniversary of cancer free years is also approaching on the Jan 16, and that may actually mean more to me than the 1/1/11. I wish my yearly MRI wasn't scheduled after Jan 16, because it'd be a shame if cancerversary party wouldn't last weeks, months, years.. You know what I mean.. :-) Cancer isn't welcome into my life, no one else's either, stupid ca, stay away. You really chose the wrong bitch.

World weather report: well, it is pretty weird what's happening around the world. Floods in Australia, snowstorms, tornadoes, rain, earthquakes in England! Hot hot hot summers in the northern hemisphere. Are the culprits here the greenhouse gases..? Global warming? For how long do we believe there will be life on earth as it is today?
My heart goes out to all of those, who these severe weather conditions have touched in one way or another.

H1N1 wars. Handwashing empire and swine flu vaccine are striking back. H1N1 is retreating back into its corner and slouching in defeat.

Happy 2011

New Year

Old year is soon coming to an end, and what do we remember of this past year..?
First thing that springs into my mind is that precious moment, when my horse and I really "got it", when we became inseparable. Yes, me and my horse.
On January 16, 2010 was my two year "free of cancer" anniversary, and the 3rd year one is approaching. This time there are no "what if's" in my mind- cancer is past, and future, whether we re talking about weeks, months, years- it is all ahead of me.
Me and my husband too became more than inseparable. We also "got it", and realized we are in this together- all of us.
My eye has healed well, one more check-up in January and it's an official good bye to pterygium. Never come back. Stay away (Who'd have know such an alien thing even exists...).
My new job has opened loads of new avenues, brought new challenges and both tears and joy. Missing a meeting or submitting an incomplete document for review aren't something to be highlighted or remembered years and years in a row- they are part of the learning process and no one apart from myself punished me very harshly. Of course I am perfectionist and want to achieve 100% in everything. Yeah, in that sense my memory is a curse, that I don't forget and forgive myself easily. Challenge for 2011..? Forget, forgive.
There is always room for improvement.
Things that I did not achieve were weight loss, as well as complete recovery from depression, but I guess I am on my way, at least able to admit that I'm not always feeling bright and cheerful.
I am going to keep my schedule relatively tight over the next year- but definitely enough room for just doing nothing, relaxing, sleeping.. and few 100% challenge-free days.

Nasty neck spasms and other ailments

Deskjob causes great discomfort in many ways. Sitting all day long, bad posture, typing furiously whilst on the phone, dealing with more than three tasks at the same time, cup of coffee, buried under papers and documents.
It all began with numbness in the fingers of right hand, weird kind of tingling. My body can't take any more.
Neck spasms are awful, real abuse. I'm off to massage followed up a visit to drugstore- good bye neck spasms.