June 11, 2013
Feeling like Edward Snowden
Not nearly as famous of course and not on the very same scale at all.
I'm not here to talk about Edward though, but about my own small scale incident at work.
Work- that's where it all starts and where it ends. Inspiring, uplifting.. not today.
I thought honesty is a virtue, but little white lies could still be OK at times, but not when just seconds separate you from the truth and you are about to get caught.
OK, all I did was admitted that "I do not know". Perhaps I should have said "yes, I know", and risk being discovered moment after that. Caught in a lie, red handed and red faced. No good.
What I said was the truth, but "inappropriate" in some other people's opinion. Life is full of surprises. Miserable boss gave most invaluable feedback by saying "Nothing personal, but I am pointing at you...). How could it be personal if another person stares at you and points finger at you...????? How?
Straight up, I was honest, way too honest in this case.
Correct way of handling this would have been either not saying anything, not admitting or revealing I don't know, that I may have forgotten and I am a jerk.
Correct way in MY mind was that I am responsible of my own lack of knowledge, that I am tired of hiding.
That I am correct in being honest.
I am nowhere near Edward Snowden here, but I think I may just understand tiny bit of what he is going through right now. Given option now, plane ticket to The Lone Star State
I'd probably start packing.
But I'll wait just a bit. Waiting for the night. Wait for tumor marker results. Wait for better day.
I'm not here to talk about Edward though, but about my own small scale incident at work.
Work- that's where it all starts and where it ends. Inspiring, uplifting.. not today.
I thought honesty is a virtue, but little white lies could still be OK at times, but not when just seconds separate you from the truth and you are about to get caught.
OK, all I did was admitted that "I do not know". Perhaps I should have said "yes, I know", and risk being discovered moment after that. Caught in a lie, red handed and red faced. No good.
What I said was the truth, but "inappropriate" in some other people's opinion. Life is full of surprises. Miserable boss gave most invaluable feedback by saying "Nothing personal, but I am pointing at you...). How could it be personal if another person stares at you and points finger at you...????? How?
Straight up, I was honest, way too honest in this case.
Correct way of handling this would have been either not saying anything, not admitting or revealing I don't know, that I may have forgotten and I am a jerk.
Correct way in MY mind was that I am responsible of my own lack of knowledge, that I am tired of hiding.
That I am correct in being honest.
I am nowhere near Edward Snowden here, but I think I may just understand tiny bit of what he is going through right now. Given option now, plane ticket to The Lone Star State
I'd probably start packing.
But I'll wait just a bit. Waiting for the night. Wait for tumor marker results. Wait for better day.
June 08, 2013
Fear is a phobia
In my my worst nightmares I see and experience disease related things I would never want to encounter.
Then I wake up and realize this is real life.
Zero Hour.
I am realizing that there are things I never ever want to do, never, if I had an option. Such as having anything painful, humilating and/or embarrassing done to me. I don't want to have tattoo, bone marrow aspiration, endometrial biopsy. Theses are just some examples. I am not fond of blood tests, finding out that I have cancer, or that I have to pay extra taxes. I'd not want anything awful to happen to my family, friends, animals, other people, whether they are known to me or not. I hate injustice, violence, animal cruelty.
Light bulb moment (or a-ha moment as Oprah calls it)- I know for sure that I am myself, no one else and I am responsible of my life. I am beginning to realize that I am stronger than I have ever been. I may never be offered Nobel prize, but I am still someone important. I've been looking for lost kindness toward myself, and feel I have now found it.
I have freedom of choice. Going to dentist may not be something I like. Something I find utterly awful, but I've still got to do it. Two years from previous dentist visit, and I have almost forgotten what the last visit felt like. Going to oncologist's appointment feels essential, but it is with great reluctance I step into the clinic. Prospect of another radioactive iodine treatment? Right now I'd say no, never again. Ask me another day, I may say yes.
There are so many factors to consider.
Sometimes there is an option say No. If no is not an option, then there are factors that may make experience almost pleasant and make it something that can easily be forgotten. Dentist visit? Take sedative. That's what I have to do. After swallowing the pill, I feel good and don't mind anything or anyone.
One down, 10 to go.
As per textbook, when it comes to cancer treatment follow-up, these visits are necessary and a must.
Well, well, well textbook. I am responsible of my own well-being and I get to make the decision. Being kind to myself vs. forcing myself go somewhere where I'd rather not go. After thinking about my options a bit I usually go. Sedated, clear-headed, whatever, but I show up. Because I know I can always say NO. Dentist appt+ sedative. Bone marrow biopsy+ iv sedation. Ob-gyn appt+ a couple of sips of brandy. PET scan+cowboy boots.
Chemo encounter+ high heels and lipstick.
Being kind means doing all this unpleasant stuff too, but in any means possible. You get to your goal, whatever methods you use is up to you.
Then I wake up and realize this is real life.
Zero Hour.
I am realizing that there are things I never ever want to do, never, if I had an option. Such as having anything painful, humilating and/or embarrassing done to me. I don't want to have tattoo, bone marrow aspiration, endometrial biopsy. Theses are just some examples. I am not fond of blood tests, finding out that I have cancer, or that I have to pay extra taxes. I'd not want anything awful to happen to my family, friends, animals, other people, whether they are known to me or not. I hate injustice, violence, animal cruelty.
Light bulb moment (or a-ha moment as Oprah calls it)- I know for sure that I am myself, no one else and I am responsible of my life. I am beginning to realize that I am stronger than I have ever been. I may never be offered Nobel prize, but I am still someone important. I've been looking for lost kindness toward myself, and feel I have now found it.
I have freedom of choice. Going to dentist may not be something I like. Something I find utterly awful, but I've still got to do it. Two years from previous dentist visit, and I have almost forgotten what the last visit felt like. Going to oncologist's appointment feels essential, but it is with great reluctance I step into the clinic. Prospect of another radioactive iodine treatment? Right now I'd say no, never again. Ask me another day, I may say yes.
There are so many factors to consider.
Sometimes there is an option say No. If no is not an option, then there are factors that may make experience almost pleasant and make it something that can easily be forgotten. Dentist visit? Take sedative. That's what I have to do. After swallowing the pill, I feel good and don't mind anything or anyone.
One down, 10 to go.
As per textbook, when it comes to cancer treatment follow-up, these visits are necessary and a must.
Well, well, well textbook. I am responsible of my own well-being and I get to make the decision. Being kind to myself vs. forcing myself go somewhere where I'd rather not go. After thinking about my options a bit I usually go. Sedated, clear-headed, whatever, but I show up. Because I know I can always say NO. Dentist appt+ sedative. Bone marrow biopsy+ iv sedation. Ob-gyn appt+ a couple of sips of brandy. PET scan+cowboy boots.
Chemo encounter+ high heels and lipstick.
Being kind means doing all this unpleasant stuff too, but in any means possible. You get to your goal, whatever methods you use is up to you.
Earthdate 6/8/2013
I am just watching document on TV about the meteor in Russia in February.
Few weeks later I saw a cartoon of Angry Bird, who was flying across the sky, instead of that meteor.
Earth was saved once again from total destruction.
Few weeks later I saw a cartoon of Angry Bird, who was flying across the sky, instead of that meteor.
Earth was saved once again from total destruction.
April 18, 2013
Canned goods
"If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you're
scared that it's not the right thing. Even if you're scared that it'll cause
problems. Even if you're scared it will burn your life to the ground. You say
it. You say it loud, and then you go from there." – Mark Sloan
Mark Sloan may be right here.
But what happens when the person you love is sitting there, having a nice meal with others, completely absorbed in conversation, looking handsome and beautiful and wearing gorgeous white shirt? He smiled, albeit briefly. I guess he is becoming old, as he has already forgotten what we planned to do together one weekend. Old or young, I still like him loads and can't stop thinking about him.
Maybe it's just not supposed to be.. just like many times before. Most of the nice men I meet these days are married, gay or otherwise weird. But this one, he is special. He did not even freak out and run away when I told him about cancer treatment.
May 2013 will take me to hospital again for ultrasound and other tests. That is if I decide to go. The hospital in question is an hour flight away and brings back unpleasant cancer memories.
I could have same tests here where I live. I've been considering this for some time now and really can't see myself going to "that horrible torture chamber" again.
If the radioactive iodine worked, great. If not, then it may mean I have developed resistance. I don't know. I've not even had any follow-up appointments in my "own" hospital. Patients can truly get lost in the system. Send them to an outside institution and lose them.
March 03, 2013
Kingdom of flu
Last four days have been torture. Flu or common cold, whatever, but I've felt miserable. Runny nose, sneezing, loads of cold and flu meds, antibiotics, green tea, chicken soup. Sleep and aimless wandering around the house. Coughing and sneezing.
Watching TV; Animal Planet, movie channels. Falling asleep in the middle of TV programs.
I'm going to try and go to work tomorrow. Vegetating at home- enough for now.
That's my horse- hiding in the trees. Look at the teeth! looool
Watching TV; Animal Planet, movie channels. Falling asleep in the middle of TV programs.
I'm going to try and go to work tomorrow. Vegetating at home- enough for now.
That's my horse- hiding in the trees. Look at the teeth! looool
February 03, 2013
Can't think of a title today
What is different in 2013 to 2012, same day, same time? What was I up to this time last year? Am I older and wiser??
I certainly knew about cancer, that the journey would continue whether I was on board or not. Visit to MD Anderson Cancer Center in summer 2012 opened my eyes and I received encouraging news, but that was the time I knew I had to deal with this. Houston seemed like an interesting town, but I was fatigued and did not venture out that much. I did not rent a car thinking I'd get lost. Instead I boarded bus, taxi and tram, and the hotel had shuttle to the medical center and back.
I recovered, and I feel well enough to work, ride and just be here.
Friend of mine was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. OMG was I angry to hear about her! I was furious. Disbelief. Now seeing someone else going through the journey that no one should have to go through, forced me to stand up and be ready to support this person in whatever way was needed.
I am a year older, probably wiser too.
There are reasons for carrying on, trying to stay in present. I fail in that all the time, worrying about tomorrow, wondering what happened yesterday and why and how.. But perhaps I am getting tiny bit better in this. Today was today, I hope there is tomorrow, and yesterday's gone and it was a good day. Each day has to have moments of greatness, happiness and success, not just big bucks. Just have to try and find those moments... there's the challenge. They say do one thing that scares you every day. How about not doing that? Say no to challenge and scary stuff. I stay at home, watch TV, sleep and totally isolate myself from the outside world for a day. Well I may go out for a walk, but it ain't power walk. It is shuffling my feet, loitering, looking at scenery. Following day usually brings in need to meet people and socialize, maybe look for something challenging to do. Not scary stuff. Does it count that I was watching the movie "Final Destination 5"? Scary stuff? Done it.
I certainly knew about cancer, that the journey would continue whether I was on board or not. Visit to MD Anderson Cancer Center in summer 2012 opened my eyes and I received encouraging news, but that was the time I knew I had to deal with this. Houston seemed like an interesting town, but I was fatigued and did not venture out that much. I did not rent a car thinking I'd get lost. Instead I boarded bus, taxi and tram, and the hotel had shuttle to the medical center and back.
I recovered, and I feel well enough to work, ride and just be here.
Friend of mine was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. OMG was I angry to hear about her! I was furious. Disbelief. Now seeing someone else going through the journey that no one should have to go through, forced me to stand up and be ready to support this person in whatever way was needed.
I am a year older, probably wiser too.
There are reasons for carrying on, trying to stay in present. I fail in that all the time, worrying about tomorrow, wondering what happened yesterday and why and how.. But perhaps I am getting tiny bit better in this. Today was today, I hope there is tomorrow, and yesterday's gone and it was a good day. Each day has to have moments of greatness, happiness and success, not just big bucks. Just have to try and find those moments... there's the challenge. They say do one thing that scares you every day. How about not doing that? Say no to challenge and scary stuff. I stay at home, watch TV, sleep and totally isolate myself from the outside world for a day. Well I may go out for a walk, but it ain't power walk. It is shuffling my feet, loitering, looking at scenery. Following day usually brings in need to meet people and socialize, maybe look for something challenging to do. Not scary stuff. Does it count that I was watching the movie "Final Destination 5"? Scary stuff? Done it.
January 11, 2013
New Year's Resolutions
2013 has brought with it sense of calm, silence and peace.
2012 was an "earthquake" for some, but this year's gotta be better. No New Year's resolutions, just a promise that I will live one day at a time.
Before we know, it is December 2013 again. Clock is ticking.
I miss my horse. I often think about my father- where is he? I felt his presence after his death, but have not searched for him anymore. My father liked motorcycles and airplanes. When I fly, I remember him and he is perhaps closer to me then, in heaven.
My father and my horse have perhaps found each other and been re-united. None of them now have to be alone. My horse reminded me of Shadowfax of the Lord of The Rings.
2012 was an "earthquake" for some, but this year's gotta be better. No New Year's resolutions, just a promise that I will live one day at a time.
Before we know, it is December 2013 again. Clock is ticking.
I miss my horse. I often think about my father- where is he? I felt his presence after his death, but have not searched for him anymore. My father liked motorcycles and airplanes. When I fly, I remember him and he is perhaps closer to me then, in heaven.
My father and my horse have perhaps found each other and been re-united. None of them now have to be alone. My horse reminded me of Shadowfax of the Lord of The Rings.
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