Dealing with complications

September 24, 2014. I underwent hysterectomy almost a year ago and I have not regretted even for a day. Not until mid-July. I have been noticing some symptoms of a prolapsed bladder; feeling of fullness, inability to empty my bladder, but I was not sure if it is all in my head. I went to see my gyn in May 2015 and he diagnosed grade I-II bladder prolapse.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing, but it explained the symptoms and in a way I was relieved to know there was nothing more than that going on. Then I caught a cold and a horrible tickly cough few weeks ago. One of those coughs, that irritate your throat and you have to cough no matter where you are. Since I started coughing, I have noticed the prolapse getting worse. 
My gyn warned me last time that bladder prolapse surgeries may also fail and one of the complications is urinary incontinence! That's not what any of us wants for sure, but I am not sure how long I can live with the "bulge". I am also scared of possibility of another surgery and  even before the actual surgery may or may not happen, I fear that the bladder can just fall out one day. 
Before the hysterectomy I thought I could still improve the uterine prolapse by pelvic floor exercise. There was some improvement, but it was minimal really. I just can't face another operation so I am willing to try anything, more pelvic floor exercises, yes bring it on. Then I read about treating the prolapse with Brufen and estrogen cream and more exercises. Self-help books are full of ideas, web pages offer more, when I run out of my own. Hospitals, operations, urodynamic studies etc freak me out... but wait a minute, who said anything about urodynamic studies...?? Isn't it one of those age old hospital routines that ALL patients with bladder prolapse are referred for these types of studies? No. Absolutely not. 
The prolapse will no doubt get worse, gravity will take care of it. 
I admit that it is not certain that the prolapse is a complication of the surgery, but it may well be. I signed the consent form and have to deal with the consequences.

Life.
 

A six hour nap

A mandatory visit to much hated ob-gyn yesterday. Several debates later I knew I had to go, there was no way to confirm what I already knew, other that good old doctor having a look down there. My one and only way to cope with this is to sedate myself so that I can stand upright and not slur my words. I left work at about 2pm, started with the first sedative before I left. The hospital is a short drive away and 10 minutes later I find myself taking another sedative. No problem. My mind is crystal clear and I can still play my favorite iPhone games so the level of sedation is not yet adequate. I walk to the clinic, pass by one of the restroom, because I have this awful urge to throw up and/or have an attack of diarrhea. Whilst there, I am convinced I have already made my diagnosis. Before I leave the restroom, I swallow another sedative. Or half a sedative, I can't remember anymore.
When I finally locate the clinic, I am told that the doctor is running late. As always, but this time I am glad, because those damn sedatives aren't working. I drink a bottle of water and take another magic pill. That's the third sedative, or it could be just 1.5 tablets. I can't remember how much I have taken.
After 10 minutes or so the nurse calls me in. But wait, I'm not sedated enough. I have just made a record in Angry Birds Friends and I can't possibly be sedated enough. Blood pressure measures 158/88 despite of sedation, but the combination of the hot weather, walk from the car to hospital and anxiety do wonders for the BP. Second measurement is slightly better- 144/82. Once again I am asked to wait outside and the two other ladies outside make a comment about the doctor's schedule. I am beginning to feel lightheaded and don't really want to engage into a conversation. I still can get a few words out and agree. As if I'm drunk, but I'm not. To ensure I'll continue feeling like I do, I take one more little white tablet. Half a tablet, whole tablet, I don't know. I don't care. Two patients go in before me, and I don't really mind. One of them undergoes a painful procedure, I don't know what it is and don't want to know. All I know is I may know what is going around me right now, but afterward I won't remember much.
When I am finally called in, the doctor's familiar face and voice reassure me a bit, and I am super cool and calm. I tell the doc I need the rest of the day off, can't go back to work, because I am no longer in this world. He says ok. I describe my problem and he wants to take a look.
Whatever. All I remember being offered a sheet to cover myself and then being asked to cough. All of a sudden it is over. I get dressed. I remember very little of the exam itself (but I remember some investigation tools and machines (colposcope..?), but even they don't freak me out anymore) and it's a miracle I could still speak. Nothing hurt, all I felt was a bit of pressure, but I couldn't even localize that. All this time I thought the sedatives had expired or my own tolerance was a lot higher, or that stuff was just placebo. Hell no, it worked. The doc confirms my diagnosis: grade I-II cystocele AKA urinary bladder prolapse. Right. Didn't I just have a condition called uterine prolapse?
Now another prolapse to deal with. We come to a conclusion "wait and see" and I may come and see the doc again after a year.
I feel encouraged after this visit, most probably because I felt no pain, embarrassment, humiliation, nothing. I don't remember much about the conversation that took place after the exam, but I remember the word "cystocele". Honestly, I don't have urinary incontinence, but sometimes I feel I can't empty my bladder very well. Nothing is leaking. The doc also mentioned my ovaries, that they were there- the leftovers from last year's hysterectomy.

I am kind of proud of myself that I had no tearful meltdowns, and did not feel the urge to run as fast as I can. I think I can go and see this particular doctor again, but well sedated and numb. That's the only way. I don't remember how I got home (yes, I did drive, an irresponsible bastard as I am) but I decided to take a nap on the living room sofa. I woke up six hours later in the middle of the night. Wow, that was nice. Some of the effects of the sedation were still there this morning, but I made it to work ok By midday I felt no traces of any of its effects, but I wouldn't really want to be under sedation every day of my life. Save it for emergencies.