How to survive without Synthroid for 6 weeks in preparation for Thyroid WBS Part 3

9 days have passed since the Scan number 1.
6 days since the Scan number 2.
Back on Synthroid for 9 days.
I am beginning to see the difference. I no longer need to nap for hours and I've been back at work. My exercise tolerance is pretty poor and last riding lesson on Sunday Jan 15 was cut short, because I was short of breath all the time. Riding is not just being a passenger on horse-back. Why even bother to ride...? It is one of those things I do, to prove myself I can DO it, prove those all-mighty doctors wrong. Why should I stay indoors all the time and give up something I love doing? I'd ride for five minutes, if that's the best I can do.

6 weeks without Synthroid puts enormous pressure on both physical and mental body. Everyone, as we all are individuals, handles it in a different way. For some it's a real struggle, for some it is easier. At the time when all I could do was ask for sick leave, I felt like s..t and all I could think was go home and back to bed. Few days after that I felt like I needed to lay down on the floor, because of extreme fatigue. I think I could have slept 24 hours a day. On top of all that.. my period was extremely heavy! Yikes!!!
And then, mammogram! Nooo way. Yes, I've been postponing it since last August, knew very well it had to be done, but there were days when I simply forgot, and another few days and weeks when I chose to ignore it. Mammogram was clear, not at all as bad as I had thought. Uncomfortable, yes. I nearly passed out when they were taking the oblique views, but it was really over so quickly that I had to "time" to pass out. I could have taken Brufen or Tylenol or something beforehand, but it all happened so suddenly. I went to have a chat with radiologist and all of a sudden I found myself in the "mammo room". I had a chat with another patient, who was very clearly alive, breasts not crushed, not in pain, not attempting to get out the department as soon as possible. Feeling encouraged, I went and had it done. It is worse than blood test, but absolutely not worse that pap smear. Definitely an option, when it comes to choosing whether to break my arm or having mammogram. I'll take the mammogram. I never thought I'd say this.

I guess it's like giving birth, that experience of labor, you forget it eventually, when you see the "result"- baby. I also find most of the days without Synthroid are slowly disappearing into shadows and I don't recall what that fatigue was really like. Was it really that bad..? Well yes, when I felt bed was no longer an option, that I had to rest on the floor, yes it was bad.
I questioned the need of thyroid scans, all these without my meds and lack of follow-up. My TSH dropped down to 127 and no one thought it is necessary to call me and ask if I am ok. Thanks be to God my husband, co-workers and friends were around, even though husband travels frequently and does not stay at home for long periods of time.
Once the Scan number 1 was done, I called the good old endocrine doc and said I'm starting Synthroid TODAY, no matter what, and I did.
Right now endocrine doc is waiting for tumor marker blood results and I feel he is dragging his feet and waiting for what... miracle..? Something that would say the scan was wrong and there is no activity at all. He is in denial..? Aww poor man.

He has most gorgeous eyelashes.

I did not "survive" those six weeks with his eyelashes in my mind.
I got out of the house, I rode the horses, I took yoga classes at home in front of the TV. I slept, I cried, I laughed, I watched cartoons and DVD's. I talked to people and horses, not really remembering a lot of those conversations.. I'd have loved to have stamina and courage to stay 100% with it, physically and mentally fit, but no, I could not do it.
6 weeks eventually comes to an end..

Fear of known unknown

Those dreaded check-up's are approaching fast. Speed of light.
Dentist, ob-gyn, oncologist, endocrinologist, yeah let's just line them up all and why not invite all of them into the same room too. Why not add mammogram too? The title of "scariest/most unpleasant/embarrassing/humiliating experience" must go to ob-gyn. No matter what I do, no matter how many times I go to see my ob-gyn Peter, who is one of the gentlest souls in the world, I just can't get used to the idea of what happens at his office.
My latest (and the very last, I swore, but then find myself booking another appointment again..) appointment was while ago, and I went in after few sips from cognac bottle. Yes, cheers, straight from the bottle. No wonder my handbag was so heavy. Not the best cognac in the market. Needless to say, I was drunk and don't remember much what I said to the doctor. All I need to remember was that I managed to stay on my feet, did not embarrass myself totally and even managed to pay the bill, walk out of the medical center, appear somewhat coherent and hmmmm relaxed. It was quite an ordeal; when I arrived I promptly found restroom, took a sip or two in there, walked out, sat in the waiting room. Restless feeling. Thoughts racing around in my head. Kind of unreal- I am effing drunk!
As usual, I had arrived early and now sat there sporting waxy kind of smile on my face. People were coming and going, talking, reading books and magazines. All of a sudden good old doc opened the exam room door and calls for.... not me, but the previous client! Oh-oh. With fairly respectable effort, I get up off the chair and head back to the restroom. The floor has weird angle, like I was climbing a wall. I must be traveling on stormy seas. In front of me, in the mirror was rather peculiar sight; a drunk person. Appearance pretty decent, but drunken eyes! Where am I?
By the time it was my turn, I vaguely remember shooting up from the waiting room chair, straight into the exam room, past the doctor, who probably thought his patient has no manners. I suspect he knew all along, but after the exam and paperwork etc I confessed that I had taken few sips of something stronger than water. He must have seen it all, but I could detect some sort of weird vibe in the air, unspoken words that may or may not have ended up as written words in my file: "Patient conquered her fear of me, one of the most polite, kindest and gentlest ob-gyn in the world, by ingesting fair amount of unknown alcoholic drink prior to entering my office."
Patient, that would be me, stands up and confesses that she was shit scared, and can't tolerate an existence, albeit brief, of fear.
It is very well known and accepted fact that annual or less than annual check-up's are necessary. It makes sense to me, yes, even though it is another well known fact that I am stubborn and hardheaded at times.
The year before I turned up under influence of Valium, but it didn't completely numb me and my phobia, so that is the reason why I turned into drinking.
This year... well, nothing is set in stone, but I do not see how I would suddenly find the courage to go for all these appointments without some extra encouragement. By threatening to take my restroom and meal privileges away won't do a thing- I may end up canceling the appointments, every single one of them.
Visit to dental nurse was not any better. She cleaned my teeth with some sort of ultrasound cleaner, it kind of hurt and felt unpleasant, but did not take long. Then she spotted "something" that looked like cavity. Awww nooooo. No way. I've never ever ever had cavities in my life, nor am I going to have one now. Follow up at dentist's office next week proved that it was not cavity, but it was already too late. I had developed several scenarios in my mind, all of them cavity-related and I knew I would definitely need decent dose of sedatives before I let anyone anywhere near my mouth. Mind you, or any other part of my body. I had wisdom teeth removed under general anesthesia, because I threatened to bite off the dentist's fingers.
Preparation for this year's check-up's probably will stay pretty much the same.

Does a mammogram hurt?