December 28, 2011

Here's to the future

Off from work and more time to reflect.. perhaps. Only if I was not so tired. This is both mental and physical tiredness and it just does not go away no matter how long I sleep. Where is that post again "Surviving 6 weeks without Synthroid in preparation for Thyroid whole body scan"?
That post has not been written just yet. Not yet, but I am about to.

Few more days of 2011 left. Greatest achievements? Many, being healthy and happy most part of the 365 days a year, all those days were remarkable. Feeling, staying alive, keeping up. I passed an important healthcare quality exam. I rode in my show jumping competition- last one was more than 25 years ago! While I did not get clear round (the horse would have, had I not been sitting up there slowing her down..), I got that experience of being there and riding. Cross country riding did not end that well- I got half way through the course and full stop arrived at jump number 8. I fell, dislocated my shoulder and while the show must go on, mine did not on that day. Shoulder popped back into the socket, plenty of ice and shoulder was as good as new! Weird! It is actually feeling better than it was.
I mean don't go falling off your horses and bikes etc, it may not have happy outcome, but well, mine was- lucky. I was wearing body protector and riding helmet- without them it might have been a different story.
Falling off and climbing back on has not always been this easy! I fell off once in Dulwich Riding school, badly bruised, embarrassed, two broken ribs and broken bone in my hand and foot nearly got caught in the stirrup iron- it was frightening and I never went back riding there. Nothing to do with the horse, school, instructor- it was just me and my shattered confidence. Healing took time, but now I have a horse and ride almost every day. Most important, it is fun.

That is of course, when fatigue does not stop me.
Kundalini Yoga once again provided me with solution: one of Gurmukh Kaur Khalsa's yoga DVD's. Can't remember name of the kriya, but it does awaken me. I swore I would not get depressed and anxious this time, but unfortunately lack of thyroid hormone can really wreck person's life. I also did not think I'd become puffy and edematous, nauseous, gain weight, begin too lose hair, bleed extra heavily during my period- or is it all in my mind? We all react differently, for sure. My last scan was in 2004, but I barely noticed anything out of ordinary. Yoga teacher training kept me busy. Light sattvic diet was exactly what I needed, along with hours of activities to keep my mind occupied. Kriya a day and chanting surely help this time too, or else I believe I would be in bed all day long, thoughts of anxiety escalating. I must say I am happiest when I sleep!

Asking myself that question of what's my life like, and how much do I really truly appreciate being alive? The answer is I appreciate being alive. No matter how much these scans and blood tests try to put me down and tell me to dig a hole and stay there until I look presentable and "good enough" to get out of the house. When I spoke to my doc this morning, I burst out in tears. I don't expect he saw it coming, but I was feeling very fragile and I still am. Unable to eat anything I want... low-iodine diet will be my companion for the next two weeks. It's not just the scan, it's all this preparation that drives me madddddddddddd! Then yes, the scan itself, while it does not hurt physically, it can be quite a mental journey to and back from chambers of hell in the mind. What if... what then.. will I die? Put those filthy thoughts out of your mind! How do I feel right now? Pretty much ok. Not as if I had something alien growing in my body, surely I would have an idea, tiny seed of doubt in my mind, if this was the case. Cancer would not just sneak back into my life without some sort of alarm bells ringing.

These are things that can form vicious circle of thoughts and ideas, but fleeting moments of clarity enable me to see not everything is black and white on this circle. There are ways to get out and find hope.

My wish is that 2012 will bring joy, health and happiness to everyone's life.

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