February 20, 2017

Insomnia in 2017

Sometime this evening I realized that I had lost my ID. Both the national ID and work ID.
I was scared out of my mind. I recalled leaving work the ID safely in my bag, but after that I'm not sure really what happened. Fast forward 6 hours: the ID (both of them) are almost in the middle of the road leading to my house. I just couldn't believe my eyes. It was already dark, 10pm and it was pure luck I found it and not just that, God was really and truly there looking after me.

I called my friend right away and told him I found the ID's (both!), thanks be to God. He told me a story about a guy, much less fortunate than we are, no money and he has not received his salary for four months! My cool and awesome friend sounded more than upset, when he was telling me all this and me, not ever having had met the guy, I was speechless. We all need reminders how lucky we are, how much God has given to us, but we just don't see it. We do, but at the same time we don't. My friend.. he has become like a brother to me, a lot more than a friend to me and when was the last time I actually told him I'm so happy to have him in my life? When did I say thanks to someone for something they helped me with? Was I grateful when I saw my horse earlier today or did I just take it for granted that she's "always" there? There could be a day, when she is no longer there.. what do I do then?
What do I say to another friend, who upon hearing about my lost ID, asked me "what can I do to help"? When did I last call my mom and tell her how much I care about her? and my brother and all my other friends? Was I grateful of my latest appraisal, even after receiving a kind of a mediocre performance rating? Did I even attempt to understand it? When did I last smile, when I saw the sun?
Did the words of my colleague, who said he almost welcomes death, get me thinking? When was the last time I was I compassionate toward myself?

I should be asleep, but I'm not because I'm thinking why I have lost the skill of awareness, being in one moment, not multitasking and being absorbed into another Instagram world, when I should be paying attention to where I'm walking, what I'm seeing, who I am talking to listening to them. Previously, many moons ago when I had a regular yoga practice, I was fully present, slept well, ate well, but it's very different these days. Sometimes when I go for a walk, I find myself being transported from one place to another, but not really remembering how I got there. From the passage of time, I can tell I have spent an hour walking/exercising, but I don't remember any details. Did I see anyone I know? Did I stop to say Hi? Did I stop and look at the flowers and trees? I don't believe I did. I remember nothing.

I do believe we all have the power to change. Make those changes into our lives, gradually first. They don't need to be huge changes and no one needs to know about them. People will notice though, soon. Even if it's just changing your thinking into a bit more positive. Self-esteem grows almost instantly. Negative energy dissipates. It works! I spent a week in the French Alps once, in a very unique yoga retreat (if you can call it that) and when I returned home, the effects were long lasting. For the first time in years, I saw my image in a bus window and I was smiling. At home, I noticed changes. I was a lot more confident, approachable, less angry and overall harboring less anger. I loved myself.
Things gradually changed and I became.. myself. Again. That old person I had never really liked, but with whom I would have to live for the rest of my life. It was up to me to change for good. I have kept parts of the yoga and spirituality in me all the time, the concept of God, giving thanks, empathy, trust and confidence too, but I have a lot of work ahead of me. It's never a good idea to become a multitasking super robot, who can handle any amount of work, stress and pressure. The cracks will appear in the core soon enough and some of us fall apart. I have been there. Someone once said that anger causes cancer. Yes, I would agree with that. It does not ever need to go that far: a common cold is more than enough sometimes. Wouldn't it still be a sign to slow down a bit?
My problem right now is that I am trying to do too much, please too many people, not being able to say No, never accepting or even considering a failure as an option, insomnia, all or nothing attitude, poor self-esteem, loneliness, anger- which probably isn't anger as such, but a feeling of mixed emotions of inadequacy and frustration, which all make me want to crawl under my bed and cry. My studies, work, voluntary work, late nights, travel, meeting friends, horse riding- all fine, but not when they all pile up and the deadlines are getting closer and closer. Something needs to go. Studies. I need a break and I want my life back. My life, which I could start building again piece by piece.
I do need to tell my friends and family how much I appreciate them. I need to get myself out of the house and stop making excuses and procrastinating. I could also tell myself that I'm ok, I like myself, I can kick myself (just like my friend does when we are having dinner) once or twice for failures, but not make it an eternal punishment. I'm not ugly either. I'm actually just fine, but I need to get up and shape myself into a person, who I would like to be, without plastic surgery, Botox etc.

Sleep. Insomnia can sometimes be cured by sleeping. Those who know me, know how much they mean to me and how much I love them even if I don't always say it, but maybe that's exactly what I need to do. To begin with, maybe tell it to myself first. Be a bit more more kind, loving and understanding toward myself.

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