Beautiful places

This place is simply gorgeous, even though most parts are man-made. Sunrise is still fantastic in Bahrain.

Inconsolable?

Not much good luck recently with the car. First the brakes failed, then the tire exploded and I was forced to desert the car at the parking. Then one look in the daylight, and I realized the left side back tire had blown. Has it damaged the wheel too..? After all I was driving for another 2-3 miles AFTER the tire had exploded. All the rest of the tires will no doubt follow the lead and the car is a goner. That's what happens I guess when one buys second hand car without having it checked first. My first thought was something's not right because the car had felt shaky for a week, but I kept driving. Of course I had a "look" but saw nothing wrong with the tires. They were old, that's all. Not having a car makes life more challenging and isolated, as there is no public transport here where I live and you depend on arranging own transport. My bike too needs repair- I can recall the days when I was driving a cornflower blue Brompton folding bike in London. The tires occasionally needed more air, otherwise it was a perfect little creature. I bought new $90 bike, which then began falling apart. Tires one by one, gears etc.. What about bike and car maintenance..? Yes, all the vehicles in my life have had regular maintenance, but shit happens and they break down.
Ah what a life.
Flying high, flying low, painting pictures, listening to VH1, dancing, watching CSI NY, shopping, traveling, sightseeing. Part of growing up, learning?
I certainly learn more about cars- next step changing the tire..? Then junking the car, then off to Toyota dealer to find out what they have on offer. Toyota Avalon would be a favorite, as well as my all time love Lexus :) but may have to settle for the "cheapest".

That feeling

Sadness, overwhelming sadness and desperation. What have I done?
Life goes on, the show must go on and I am still here- feeling the constant pressure and endless questions; how would I like to spend the rest of my days? What have I done, have I made the right decision? Come out and let them know who and what you are. No matter what race, color, sexual orientation, nationality you have, you are welcome.

Respekt

It is amazing to notice, from day to day that some people's manners never improve here. Good example is queuing up for "service"- the service itself sucks, but the people(=men) who feel it is their privilege to be served before a single woman or a group of women, really truly suck. At the airport: I was standing in the queue, very clearly in the queue, when few young men decided they are more important and they cannot possible let a woman go first. Another occasion, yet again at the airport, when an elderly local gentleman decided his cause is more valuable than mine and his need to be served first is greater than mine. Well, we are still very backward here- those lucky ones who have been abroad must realize men and women are more or less equal. Whilst here, I just have to swallow my pride and let the thoughts be published in my weblog. So the whole world knows. Don't get me wrong, I don't stand there and wait for things to happen, but I too push and elbow my way to the airline check in desk, and give dirty displeased looks to those who dare come too close. It often does the trick and I have to go to the ladies room, pump my fists in the air and shout; "Yes, I showed them again!". But still, this is a man's world.
Once again, when you have to queue up for entering the aircraft, that's another annoyance! Some do not understand the meaning of the "queue" and instead form a group. Like that group could actually enter the plane all together and hold hands. Garbage. Don't we all have our assigned seats in the plane and the plane won't take off until the last Abdullah, Mohammed and Ali have found their seats..?! Once the queue finally forms, people push and get too close for comfort and few words such as "haram" seem to work every time and the pushy ignorant people back off an inch or two. Yee haa, what a relief.
And the forever issue; cellphones. As soon as the plane touches down, cellphones are being switched on and phone calls going ahead in full steam before we even reach the gate. Hmmm.. I remember Europeans being a bit more compliant in this. Perhaps the airline has a different policy here.
Once when I was returning from vacation, there was no one (=employer's representative) to meet me at the airport, so the ever so pleasant fun (not) airport officials decided to take me to the basement (out of sigh, out of mind) to wait. It did not prove to a lengthy wait, but for me, who is used to free speech and liberty this was not at all acceptable. I cried and refused to sit down, and questioned them constantly why am I locked in here, why is it that women get treated so badly, why are women inferior in Saudi Arabia..? That sort of stuff. This went on and on, one of the "officials" offered me a cup of tea, and I don't remember if I accepted it.. I think I did. When the rep finally reached the airport, I was at the end of my tether and very very angry. It turned out no one had informed the rep I was coming- not his fault, but someone else's, who had not bothered to contact the right people. These days the airport is just a distant memory, but an unpleasant one.
One thing is for sure- these guys are not used to woman standing up for themselves and seems they are not fond of seeing a woman cry. Something that may come useful one day.

So respeKt all human beings, men and women and children, whatever their race, religion, culture.
Prepare for your flight by bringing your iPod, book, blank stare and prepare to fight for your rights, then you'll get to your destination God willing here in the Kingdom.

Believe

There is no other way than to believe. Belief in God is one of the simplest things and God's presence can be felt everywhere, every day if we just let ourselves feel it. Three days ago I was undergoing some difficult challenging chores at work and thought I'd fail. I know, I know, positive thinking... I did not fail, because I felt God reaching out for me, and all of a sudden I had calmness in my mind, something that I had not experienced before. By Guru's grace this feeling is still strong and does not show any sign of leaving me. Kind of a safety net, if you like. I feel supported, both mentally and physically. Of course I am blessed to have many unique friends here, very caring and kind people around me. But I still wonder about that event three days ago.. without someone, something stronger and ever-present I think I would have been "nailed", like some not so kind ones like to put it. In my mind God's presence has been proved, not for the first time, but confirming all the signs that I have received during the past 10 years..

Other than that, weather continues to be hot and at times extremely humid. Temperature closer to +50 C, surely.

No paradise

After yet another day at work, on my way home I thought I cannot make any sense of this even if I try. Life here in general, it is unreal. There may be another word to describe it, but right now I don't know any better. Palm trees, sand, hot and humid weather. Maid, gardener. Luxury shopping malls, no expenses have been saved in planning and implementing all this. I am beginning to think I have no part to play in building this society, that I have nothing to contribute, nothing to give to these people. That's just how I am today, the way I feel. Life sometimes offers second chances, I was lucky to get this one and it enabled me to work in the Middle East once more, but there are more and more days when I feel this particular second chance was not a blessing. One in disguise, maybe.. that is a possibility. In any case, I have paid off my debts, I am financially more secure, which was one of my goals. I was not ready to go just yet, but my intuition tells me something else.

Vicious circle

Questions are endless and they keep on coming;
Is the grass greener on the other side?
Is it true?
Why me?
Why can't I forget?
Que hora es?
Is it too late?

Still the life goes on in the land of extreme heat and humidity. The very end of July has brought yet another month to an end, with stifling humidity. This can only mean that the weather is changing- more humidity, shamals, sunshine. It is burning hot especially during the midday. Sweat pouring out, when I just pop my head out of the door. Sunglasses are a must here, therefore I own three pairs of them now. Excessive.. Ok.
The car survives the heat, but the ABS warning lights are still intermittently on and the whole dashboards is lit up like a Christmas tree. I drive the car until it stops. Sometimes the brakes resist, and the car jumps like a kangaroo. Speeding is obviously out of question, since the brakes are no longer 100% reliable.

Shopping.. well, just once.. a vague memory of shopping at Carrefour few weeks ago. Nothing expensive, just every days necessities. Tampons are hard to find here, there is an occasional selection at the local store, but most of the time I go to Geant or Carrefour and buy truckloads of them. All other products are available.. Except for Yogi Tea- someone said I could get it in Bahrain, but I have not yet been there. Besides I have three unopened boxes of Yogi Tea here, remains of my vacation in London last month. Seems even that was ages ago.

Do I now need to write
"Thank You"
at the end here, like some people do when they write e-mails at work. Heck, I'd read the message anyway, no need to thank me for anything.

The Car

It did not come as a surprise that the rear car window got stuck this morning. It was quite expected really, as the car is more than 12 years old. Brakes, window opening mechanisms, door opening mechanism... what else.. It is falling apart.
Automatic transmission is the best feature, and I would never voluntarily go back into a manual one again. Brand new cars do not cost a fortune here, so that will be my next goal.
I just hope and pray the car won't give up in the middle of the road- I would not know what to do then.
Oh and that is not all. The battle with the window this morning, when I desperately tried to shut it lead to few injuries; the window escaped without a scratch, but I have a black eye after hitting my head into the corner of the window, broke two nails and more scratches on the wrist. This just strengthened my resolve to junk this car and buy a new one.

I watched a movie called "Glasshouse- The Good mother". Thriller. Well, it did nothing to me. The two kids in the film have been adopted by a "friendly" couple, who have lost their son a year before. Little do these kids know, the parents are total nutcases, and they are in for torture and terror. Fear trip that is. This must be one of those disappointing class B movies that never make it to the big screen. Not brilliant, not excellent, nowhere near!

Junk mail

You know who you are, sending me jokes and other so called fun stuff to my work e-mail. Well, you might as well stop. I know who you are, who you report to, I know your office telephone number and even the building. Who's stalking who..? Yes, I also do feel I am being watched sometimes.
CCTV and spy cameras all over the place, you can't get away here.
Anyway this electronic mail stalker probably thinks he's doing me a favor, asking me to read this crap he sends me and even has nerve to ask me to send him a "receipt" when the mail has been read. I never bother.
Just to let the stalker guy A.D know that the jokes don't make me laugh. Pictures he sends do not make me smile. They might as well be blank e-mails.
Come and talk to me straight if you have something to say. I promise I will listen if you have something clever to say, if you look smart and if you are polite. Fair?

Koulukiusaaminen

Minä vieläkin muistan sen.. Minä olin koulukiusaamisen uhri. Minun kohdallani kiusaaminen alkoi ala-asteella heti ensimmäiseltä luokalta. Silloin minut vain jätettiin yksin, mutta kolmannella luokalla vaihdoin koulua (Jalkarannan ala-aste) ja tyyli muuttui. Tonit, Mikat, Leenat, Hartot,Mirvat, Kimmot ja Vesat olivat jatkuvasti kimpusssani, milloin uhkaillen, milloin halventaen.
Minua nimitettiin Veli Pontevaksi ylipainoisen olemuksen vuoksi. Sukunimestäkin sai väännettyä vaikka minkälaisia pilkkanimiä. Yläasteella jouduin silmätikuksi pukeutumistyylini vuoksi (Hanoi Rocks!). Silloin eräät nerokkaat kiusaajat alkoivat käyttää nyrkkejään ja potkimaan.
Tein virheen siinä, että en kertonut opettajille tai vanhemmilleni asiasta. Kielsin mitään tapahtuneen, vaikka kiusaaminen oli niinkin avointa, että kesken tunnin haukuttiin tai potkittiin. Kiusaajien taholta tulleet uhkaukset todella tehosivat.
Tästä kaikesta oli seurauksena, että itsetuntonti oli nollapisteessä monien vuosien ajan. Kiusaajat eivät enää asu lähimaillakaan, ja hyvä niin. Voisin muistuttaa heille mitä he minulle tekivät silloin vuosien 1979-1985 aikana.
Miten ovat asiat nyt sitten muuttuneet..? Voin antaa heille anteeksi. Minä olen kuitenkin onnistunut pääsemään jonnekin elämässäni, pois tästä hiirenkolokaupungista, jossa muuten saattaisin törmätä Toni R:ään (joka on muuten lihonut "Veli Pontevaksi"- well done Toni, 10 pistettä ja papukaijamerkki sulle). Ja onkohan niillä muillakaan niin hyvin mennyt. Kerran kiusaaja, aina kiusaaja.
Jos sinua kiusataan, puhu asiasta. Lopultakin ne kiusaajat ovat vaan häviäjiä, pientä muurahaista pienempi älykkyysosamäärä. Joukossahan se tyhmyys tiivistyy.
Joten kiitokset Toni S:lle, Mirvalle, Leena M:lle, Mika L:lle, Toni R:lle, Kimmo H:lle, Harto P:lle, Vesa R:lle.. Voisin kirjoittaa teidän nimet koko maailman nähtäväksi tähän.. mutta ette ole sen arvoisia.
Muutama kiitos kuitenkin toiselle luokkatoverille Toni M:lle, joka sentään yritti olla kaveri ja kävimme muutaman kerran hevostalleilla.. ja muutama muu nimeltä mainitsematon ansaitsee kiitokset.

Ei hätää, englanninkielinen käännös on tulossa :)
Translation into English on its way soon.

Wahe Guru Wahe Jio

Here I am.
Nothing has changed and still countless changes have happened since December 2006.
No news, and still there is plenty to tell. Clock is ticking..
Where to begin.. Now that i am living in a very different environment, I could appreciate those few days in London more than usual.
Yoga class earlier this week really and truly began to work in dissolving my anger. How miraculous. It was kind of wind-like feeling and all I needed to do was wave goodbye.
I also felt a tremendous sensation of forgiveness and following that a lot of compassion toward my own Self and others in that room. Only commitment now will serve me, so that I just need to decide it is all in my power to be MYSELF, no one else. Dropping my mask, not all is lost. Once again, no words can describe how I feel, and perhaps no words are needed.

This week will be spent in the land of snow, Finland- but it is summer, and all the snow has melted. This is my home, it still is. The dog, fully energized golden retriever sleeps on the floor and sometimes when he dreams, his whole body takes part of the chase in the dream. We sit next to him and laugh. But he is like a Duracell bunny, instead of growing older he gets just younger and naughtier, his funny friendly face exposes his mischievous thoughts and we know he is up to no good. We forgive him each and every time.

Nothing to say

It has always been the same, hardest thing to say good bye. These days I try avoiding it if I possibly can. Good old wise Yoda in Star Wars said that we have to practice letting go, attachment leads to jealousy. Let go of material stuff and clutter in your life. Hmmmm. What about people? How does the process being that one gets so attached and then one day has to let go? One thing leads to another. Practice aparigraha, non-hoarding.

I used to be surrounded by piles of books, old magazines, old stuff that supposedly had sentimental value. Good bye clutter.
I've barely kept up with all the advances in my life, but this time I've come far. With few compromises of course. Left the life in London, but one day I will be back. Perhaps life is financially independent and easy right now, rewards will be here later. Work for the money? So it sounds, but I do not, I do not exist just for cash. Family, friends..? They are further away in miles that I would like to, but it is encouraging that I see them more than once a year. Local friends; I do meet them more often.
I think many issues were resolved and I have manifested several positive changes, and let go of the anger and resistance.. All of a sudden I kind of like it here- still in the back of my mind there is an alarm saying that I may leave in a hurry. Now, I wonder why..

Bigger better issues

The heat is all around, oppressive. This is the time of the year in the desert. It is also time to think about the environmental issues. I was reading Al Gore's book An Inconvenient Truth- and the local bookstore sold me the same DVD, which I am looking forward to seeing later tonight.
True, this winter has been colder than usual here. Lately we have had thunderstorms; lightning colors the sky and the performance is spectacular. The rain.. clusters of rain. Sometimes the raindrops almost dry before they reach the ground. The rain does not really clear the air- in fact it makes it more humid. My bike is still parked outside and the rust caused by salty water is beginning to show.. The heavy downpour arrives, the water gathers itself into small ponds.
The sun shines through the clouds today; and the sky reminds me of a thick gray blanket. Is this the famous climate crisis or something different? A sort of normal beginning of summer? What about the Northern hemisphere; the tropical summers that I have often experienced in Finland? Surely those weather conditions are not quite right in the north.
Are we just here, hoping for the best, ignoring the warnings?

When I returned from work late yesterday evening, the office buildings nearby all had lights on, like a Christmas tree. Surely office workers had left the building long ago, but the bloody lights were still on. Energy saving lights...?
Recycling campaign is on, I try to do my share, pile up all plastic, aluminum and glass every Saturday morning and take them to the recycling point. I guess there is still room for improvement. A lot of improvement. Until people here learn not to throw garbage into streets, recycle, save energy, consume less, make peace instead of war- this region may fall.. or maybe not. Perhaps not in my lifetime.

Lifelong dreams

Whether we stay or go, run or walk
Live or die
Confess undying love, not confess anything
Breathe the one last smell of the desert
Then turn around and realize it was just a dream
Lifelong obsession
That eventually drained the last drop of strength
But taught me to respect
Love
Dream
Keep up
Still here.

Breathwalk in Sandstorm

The storm arrived late yesterday evening, and the sand was everywhere! Computer keyboard, bookshelf, bed linen.. A thin layer of sand covered the living room door. I was outside, could barely see where I was going and the wind tore branches off the trees and wrecked my plants in the garden. Even the flowers were covered with little spots of sand. Breathing in and out, silently repeating Sa Ta Na Ma, was interrupted by the storm. All of a sudden nice walk turned into fast paced run home- there was no way I wanted to turn into a snowman.. no no, wait, into a sandwoman. Only a fool stays outside in a storm like this. I have seen the wind blowing the sand all over the roads until the road becomes part of the sand dunes in a freeway between Sharjah and Dubai, UAE. I've seen the same shamal coloring the sky orange- surreal, silent event- but wait until the wind has gathered its strength. Then the fun begins.
This morning my front yard looked like the desert itself.My bike was covered in sand and dust, the cat's food bowl had flown across the yard, spilling the contents along the way. The ants were busy eating the remains of the Kitekat cat food.
Needless to say, Breathwalk came to an abrupt end yesterday, but i will keep on breathing and walking. Even if I am the only Breathwalker in the desert.

Absolute nothing

Endless energy... The local herb, vitamin and mineral store sells Rhodiola, which was recommended in a magazine, can't remember which, not long ago. So every morning when I line up tablets, pills etc that I have been prescribed, Rhodiola is one of them. It will be exciting to see its effects in long term. Alternative medicine..? Well, when I told my doctor about yoga and its benefits, he stood in contemplative silence for a moment, then replied "keep doing it, if it helps". And it does.
It carried me through illness, good times, bad times, it is a real bundle of joy in my life. Wahe Guru.
I failed my drug administration assessment today. But somehow i know it is not the end of the world, just a sign of something better that is already on the way. I will keep on trying. But during the assessment, when I really struggled with the calculations, my dyslexic mind just did not function, numbers 3 and 8 looked the same to me. And I was feeling insecure, swallowing the tears, would not give myself permission to cry. No way.
Afterward when I was having lunch I felt strangely unattached, non-existent, even relieved. Now I know. This 'new person' status is like a stamp on the forehead; stamp that allows others to abuse you, make you feel like an absolute nothing, loser, inadequate. They will not kill you, they just believe the process makes one stronger. Kind of a rinse in a dishwasher. This is work for you, and I stand behind my earlier post that there is a lot of power play and bullying and abuse of colleagues in nursing. Funny enough, the bullies I encountered years ago seem like 'zero', smaller than an ant on the floor. Ant brain, ant body. Absolute nothing.

Withdrawal

I passed the advanced cardiac life support course, no less than 100%. No more. Celebrated by buying a new computer- whilst at the computer store i realized how privileged I am truly am, same time last year I had to go to the bank begging for a personal loan to buy a computer. And pay credit card debts.
The time spent and money earned here will probably buy me a new university training too. I received the new prospectus from South Bank University this morning, and the courses look tempting, particularly criminology. Just give me something new, brand new, so I will not need to hear the words "cardiac arrest", "cholesterol" and "coronary artery" ever again. This is not to say anything against the life support course I have just passed, worked hard to pass it- and the knowledge I gained will no doubt be useful.

Withdrawal symptoms come from coffee- once again I woke up tired, unrested this morning and skipped the cup of coffee. Hours and a painkiller later I finally succumbed and had a can of pepsi. Ohhhhh. Nooooo. Just taking baby steps this time. Would depression have anything to do with binge-eating? For sure. I have not yet won the battle between the neutral, negative and positive minds, but I am getting there. Withdrawal from the old life in London too. It does take time to settle in, but sometimes one may forget that. I must say the yoga teacher training in London equipped me with plenty of skills, some of them I recognize only today- and feel deeper gratitude and ever before.

It is hot, but I am going out, clean the front yard. Gardening. +80 F. Sunshine Arabia.

I am the sheep that got lost

You know, somewhere on the outer structure on your computer there is sticky label saying "Intel inside". Long ago I saw the same sticker, same design and at first it looked the same to me- then after a more careful examination I realized it actually says "Idiot outside". Yeah. That does make sense.
Hmmm.

The day opened as dull and gray, sand and dust flying everywhere with the wind; shamal- sandstorm. The skies are now clear, birds are singing. My cat's still missing.

"Come what come may. Time and the hour run through the roughest day."
Macbeth.

Stillness lives

Day off. Last night was restless, literally; my legs were still on this constant journey and it took time for them to stop. The telephone rang once at 1030pm, I rushed to answer, but was too late. Today I feel exhausted, the process of weaning myself from coffee proves to be challenging, but I do not want to be dependent on any substance, not the way some colleagues pour six or more cups of coffee down their throats every day. It is their life, I know. The coffee I drank at work for a month or so tasted bitter, just because I thought it would help me fit in. No more.
Sat outside in the sun for an hour or so. It is still pleasantly warm, not that sweat inducing relentless humidity- but the long summer is still ahead of us. Then I fixed the printer, which was buried in the darkness of the wardrobe, but is now alive and working well. Overall I am still tired from last night's adventures. Thank God I said NO to the pain and the painkillers and just waited it out.

Year ago I was a in a better physical shape than I am today. I have let myself go- no control, but knowing that I have already overcome similar scenario once I know I can do it. It was not easy, no one said it was, I believe it.
I might take a nap.. not better moment than the present one.

Leave me here tonight

Keep smiling :)
I drift off to sleep and these dreams are so real: I am standing by the window, the garden is beautiful and fresh after the rain. It is still dark, but lights are on in the house opposite ours. The light seems to be closer and closer until it embraces me, carries me outside and I can feel the softness of the wet grass under my feet. Someone takes my hand.. then... I wake up, I wonder if my present state of being is the real dream, how did I get here? Heaven knows. My heart beats louder than before, but it is not from fear or hopelessness. Anything is possible. I get up and get ready for work.

Mornings have been been slightly humid, little cold, the fog lingers over the area and when I stretch my arms in front of me, I can barely see my fingers. It is so thick, and feels like chocolate mousse.

Bad news too - one of my friends was confronted by the law, the authority, the "supreme being".. My prayers are with her, anything is possible. Anything, never lose hope. Courage. Confronted by the law here is not a pleasant experience, ever. I was in a car accident years ago, a visit to ER and then endless flow of paperwork, accusations, interviews, threats of deportation, even a visit to the police station. The local "sheriff" then asked me to sign a statement (written in a language that I could not read) that I would not return later to raise any complaints or court orders. All I wanted was to go home.. Only then I understood the meaning of human rights. There are none. Here.

Explain this

The Cat has gone missing again. It was awful to come back home, not knowing whether the cat would be here waiting or not. She was not. One of my colleagues said cats like exploring, wandering around and they return home when they choose to do so. Ok. Another colleague said maybe the cat got run over by a car. Maybe. There is a busy road just next to my house.
Part of me feels guilty, that I did not make any effort to go search for the cat, but where would I go? All I can do is wait and post a missing cat advert in the local intranet. It would be like playing cat and mouse, try and find the cat, who's probably hiding and watching me, finding it very amusing. No I won't be going out looking for her.
I am planning my vacation in June- the world is out there and India would be the most tempting destination :) but this time I think it might be appropriate to visit London. This time not as a resident, but as tourist. No worries, I won't be seen climbing into one of the red sightseeing buses, I will walk and explore London that way. May I also assure you that I will not be staying at Dorchester. But I am looking forward for a walk in Hyde Park, along the River Thames, and once again feel the healing power of the river. We have hardly any rivers here- we do have the beautiful Arabian Gulf, with its beautiful shades of tropical green and blue.

Moments of anxiety hit me at times, but not nearly as often as they used to. It tells me I am bound to fail with whatever i do, that I lack focus and goal, but I pray; please God stop this from happening, get me out of this mess. I am mesmerized by these moments, as bright as stars, they come and go in a split second - I always ask myself the same question: What an earth was that?
They pass me so quickly that I do not even know what hit me.
Unreal. Fascinating. Somewhere deep inside I finally "get it", and know exactly what I need to know. That "something" I failed to understand a year ago. Hah. I know now. I truly do. I am the soul of the truth.

Dreams

It has been challenging, these first two months. There is no point denying this. Of course there is certain amount of resistance that needs to be overcome, but can I ever be the first one to admit this? Never.
Still unnerving. I feel so unmotivated and lack confidence.. full of fear that I would not fulfill the new employers expectations .. Or failing my own expectations. This then reflects on my work itself- the type of work I always used to enjoy, but this is no longer the case. I am desperate for a brand new direction in my life- but my recent dreams (and nightmares) are guiding me to new destination. All I need to do is take the chance.
I have already lost count how many times I wondered was this the right thing to do, but every single feeble excuse proves me wrong, and all the signs tell me STAY. Wait and see. Be patient. Countless prayers; please let me go back, I do not need to stay here.. but then what did I have in London that was so much better than what I have here? Towards the end of my stay in London I was LONELY. Mostly my own decision and fault and whatever, I chose to be alone most of the time. When I spent time with people, I often kept my eye on the time, counted the minutes; get me outta here. Isolated myself. Went to movies by myself, immersed myself into films and escaped the harsh reality. Things and people that I did not want to face. When I moved to the temporary accommodation in London, even then I was just wishing my life away, sitting at Starbucks, waiting and waiting for the news..
Oh crap, why worry abut yesterday, it is gone and will not come back. Perhaps some of the choices I made 10 years ago were foolish, but then maybe this is the way it was all supposed to be going.
I will be visiting London this coming summer and will probably find out how much I have really changed then. For the better I hope.

In through the backdoor

- To my surprise I was nearly unable to log in into my Blog. They had blocked the "sign-in" access, but after searching for a while I found a way.
- They sell Bach flower remedies at GNC. And glucosamine, and rhodiola.
- Air-conditioning in my house is about go on strike- toooo baaad.
- I left my £900 watch at work over the weekend. It was still there today, thanks be to God. Had I lost it elsewhere in the world, it would have been gone for sure.
- ER the 7th season is entertaining to watch, my one and only excuse is to learn! I may learn something useful for next months advanced life support course. Dr Greene was diagnosed with brain tumor, that did make me upset.
- The Cat returned home the same day she went missing. All the "Wanted" posters that I was about to design and print, were needless after all.
- I have not contracted tuberculosis after all, to the disappointment of most eager staff at the clinic.
- "Happiness is your birthright." (YB)
- Windows Vista costs SR 269 here. Approximately £30-40.
- I have forgiven and forgotten :)
- Bedtime is 9pm every weekday- wake up at 5am.. Exhaustion and tiredness used to follow me everywhere until I learned to sleep less! 5-6 sleep is perfectly acceptable.
- I remember the empty streets of Montmartre on very early Sunday mornings, and the friendliness of Parisians.
- Miss you A, you are not far in miles now, but I still cannot reach you.

The curse of Feb 11

Feb 11 arrives every year- this year I realized what the date was not first thing in the morning, but late in the evening. The day had been nearly as disastrous as the one year before- who would have guessed.. Arguments at work, ineffective communication, feeling like I am locked in somewhere and cannot get out. Saying the wrong words, everything inside out, upside down. One of those days when the best option is not to get up in the morning.
Anyway the day after could have easily been worse..
I went to the staff clinic for PPD tuberculosis test two days before, and then for test results on this day. To their (=staff clinic) my result was positive! What can I say, just sit there, astonished, looking at my arm where a red patch measures 0.7cm. Unsure of the meaning of the result, I ask what this means, what is the next step. TB clinic! Chest x-ray! TB drugs! None of this what I wish to hear, but I make a mental note to research TB and find out whatever I can about this subject. For sure I have no TB, all my previous chest x-rays have always been clear and I have no TB symptoms either. It was like the nurse got some secret pleasure for seeing me looking so lost and confused. But on the day when they injected this alien substance (PPD) in my forearm, it later changed into red burning patch and I wondered what caused this (hot shower, new Multivitamins..?). They talked about antibodies, and my body is already full of them, and I am not going to take any other drugs that mess up my system.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Stay safe Le Chat

Missing: One gray domestic cat.
Come out of hiding! This morning I was sun-bathing and reading The Da Vinci Code in the garden. Next time I walked in to prepare a snack, I could not see the cat anywhere. How did she sneak past my eagle eyes..?
She could be hiding anywhere in the house as we speak.

Animal Therapy Part 2

Keeping up

Second day of 40 day Sadhana. This is what keeps me sane here. It s just so hard to understand why some people have taken over the role of making others' lives miserable- such as employees, who bully their colleagues at work. I have learned my lesson, I receive the criticism and negativity and even open hostility gracefully, but inside I am boiling, endless questions How on earth do these people lead there lives. Do they realize why they do what they do? My 'failure' today was to put some 'product stickers' on to a wrong page this afternoon. The page still had one line left, I thought nothing of it when the sticky labels landed on the page. So weird. Feedback arrived faster than the speed of sound, 'you SHOULD not have done it this way, it's MY way or the HIGHWAY'. Fair enough but how do you respond to a comment like that? and then it goes on and on again. Do you not start hesitating, when person like that stands next to you, watching every move, observing every gesture, judgmental, hostile, rude and deep deep anger steaming out of every pore. I felt like a frozen ice cube, no words came out of my mouth (yeah, my reputation grows as mute and deaf and fool)- and I am not normally like that.
I have no idea. I kept quiet, but in my mind I hear "If you cannot see God in all, you cannot see God at all". But..
Am I back in square 1?
Back to London? Back to God only knows where? If I pack my bags and go, has this bully won? Someone suggested i confront her, and maybe that is what I need to do- in a constructive way. It is obvious there is nothing or no one that pleases this person. Nothing can be done, or..? But one of the most perhaps not surprising thing is that this person reminds me of MYSELF- the way i WAS three years ago. God only knows how many people I insulted with my words- well, those people who were the victims of my verbal attacks know it for sure.. Time is a healer, I am no longer that person. How come I now need to face this person..?
i am in the middle east (it seems like middle earth at times like these), life is what it is and this is the path I have chosen.
Sadhana. Back to the beginning. It will help, it did before, there is a profound change in just about anything in one's life.. I did not realize how much I had missed Sadhana, cold shower in the morning, reciting Japji Sahib... The courage to face this person will have to come from ...outer space, mountains... Sadhana.. anywhere :)
If anyone out there has any ideas how to encounter people like this I would appreciate any even anonymous advice. Some sort of roadmap, book, articles, encouraging words. had I still been that insecure hateful person I was years ago, today's and last week's events would have driven me to committing suicide. But not now. Not anymore.

Animal Therapy

My friend's parrot

It's raining

Somehow one would not expect any rain here, but it must be due to the global warming. Whatever. It is alarming to see the paint peeling off the front door, satellite dish so rusty that you'd think it's been on the roof since the Jurassic era, but no, it's the humidity in the air. Try hanging your clothes on the clothes line after washing them, and they may be dry following day. Maybe little earlier if the sun comes out. Even cutlery gets rusty- not the stainless stell spoons, forks etc, but the knives with a wooden handle. The rust sneaks in and destroys everything.
I don't dislike the weather here, but when it gets all hot and sticky and humid, almost glues your on your seat, that is not so much fun. Remembering the cool crisp winter mornings in London.. well, that was a real treat.
Breathwalking here is a pleasant experience despite the humidity. I walk around the golf course, pass the beautiful lagoon (will post pictures later promise) and that is a 3.5 mile walk.
Horseback riding too is therapeutic- horses are extremely intelligent and when I was riding yesterday (the very same 'rodeo' horse :) I could feel the horse responding to my moods. When I relaxed, he did so too and the ride was kind of healing for both of us. When I got home, it started raining again. But it is not bad, the desert needs water- and so does my garden.

Rodeo horses

My ride today turned out to be adventurous. looks can be deceiving, my gentle natured horse became a wild beast. I was riding past a group of schoolkids, and could see the horse growing more and more suspicious. He took a couple of steps to the left and right and left again- like dance steps. Except that I did not care to dance. Whoo-aa horsey boy, stop that, I said. The horse did not take any notice, from trot to gallop, from gallop to bucking perfomance, that's how it all developed. Racehorse.. I managed to convince him that its safe to stop and he did. Good horsey boy, I thanked him. And turned him back to the stable. In fact we had not gotten far, less than 200 yards. The horse spots the audience, and spooks again. Off we go, me very reluctantly, the horse very happily, "See, i've become a rodeo horse"- style. Not again. I tell him he is being naughty, he does not listen. I hang on, concerned that he is about to jump over the nearby fence.
We finally get nearer to the stables, I dismount, some people come and tell me they witnessed this spectacular performance. I feel mortified. They say I controlled the horse well (hah, the horse was in control), did not fall off (out of desperation!). Where is my good ole Western saddle that's like an armchair? This time we had a dressage saddle. By the grace of God I somehow stayed up in the saddle. Later in the round pen the horse had more lungeing exercise and some more bucking- it did not look good, quite scary in fact, I do not know how I held on.. It kind of felt like a rocking horse. But it's another day tomorrow, another dollar, another riding lesson. Madness..

No sleep

Ever since I arrived in Dhahran I have been unable to sleep. Well, I have slept, but not without interruptions. Nowadays it is the cat and her nightly activities. Before the cat in the hat it was too many unwelcome thoughts in my mind. And too much coffee. These thoughts are like a swarm of angry bees and drive my mind into an intolerable state. I wake up at 3am, then 4am and 5am. This itself does not matter, but being unable to fall asleep... Then when the real wake-up call comes, I feel shattered. Then I always think why didn't I go to bed earlier- not too bright on my part. Fun and mind games.
Today was a special one. After a few months' break I was back in the saddle. The horse was a beautiful gentleman, very kind and I lead him for a walk, both of us around the yard. Then I brushed his shiny brown coat and the groom brought the tack and we got him ready for a ride. The horse felt like an energized fully charged Duracell bunny, but we only did some groundwork around the yard. A real racehorse! He loves carrots and apples and next time I will bring him truckloads of them. My friend and I also witnessed a birth of a beautiful baby stallion! Seeing the baby and the mother together, at the beginning of their journey was extraordinary, bonding, being together. I am looking forward to seeing the little cute guy soon. See how he grows, develops, becomes a grown-up horse. I hope he'll never lose that playful part of him. Horseback riding will be my antidote for hard work.
Krazy Kat is hiding behind the armchair, giving me lovable looks at times, sometimes evil looks. She will need her time and space, when she has convinced herself I am not a mass murderer or an alien she'll join the daily routine of this household... what routine...? Lack of sleep routine perhaps.

169 xxx

I have become a serial number- does this sound like I was in jail..? Today has been the day of blood samples, vaccinations, test and many more, meningitis vaccine that has already made me feel uneasy itchy feeling and a runny nose.
For the entire day I have been referred as 'xxxxxx'- it does not sound like me, but that's what I've become. I've never been good with numbers, maths, physics.. AAAAAAARGH. Serial number, part of the statistics, a meaningless number- lost my identity somewhere in the maze of hospital corridors.
Hospitals, health centers.. whatever they are called always fill me with suspicion and terror, just the thought of someone sticking one more needle in my arm.. In the past I have had to pop a couple of Valiums in my mouth, it was the only way that enabled me to get into the actual hospital building. 'Health center' sounds innocent, but do not let that mislead you. It is still full of needles and painful experiences. But yes, I know hospital personnel do try their best. I HATE NEEDLES, anything sharp really.
My sincere wish is that in not so distant future every individual would have an option; to choose between 'alternative medicine' or Western medicine. I know where i would be heading, most definitely not in to the state of the art latest technology hospital. My hospital career began when I was 18 years old, first as a student then as radiology technologist and RN- since then I have rarely ventured out of hospital environment, partly because it was safe and familiar something I knew well. One of the bravest steps for me was to study yoga, choose the path out of the hospital. I have not succeeded 100% in this yet, but it will happen one day. Nowadays yoga gives me the courage to face each day in this 'hostile' environment (and no I am not kidding, never ever in my life I have met so much negativity and bullying as I have among health care personnel). I caught myself early, before I became one of the bullies, and before my own negativity completely took over my life.
Now the work I have done for me is beginning to show its rewards- I can lead my life being kind to myself, allow myself to enjoy life, not live someone else's life, not having to ask permission to live my own life.. and one of the biggest gifts; forgiveness. It must have been in front of me and all around me all the time, but I did not realize until several people pointed it out to me. Well, I did not know where I was going, could not settle down, did not want to accept myself the way I was and did not want to change either... So help and guidance are needed sometimes, and I was blessed to find people who were willing to help. Thanks guys.
If there will be an opportunity to ever say thanks, I do not know..
This coming weekend (Thursday and Friday in our part of the world) I have been offered an opportunity to go horseback riding. Of course! I am looking forward to it, putting more distance between me and the hospital building. Not to gallop to the sunset, but instead concentrate on some groundwork and relax and enjoy it. Learn to love the horse, become one with the horse. Forget about serial numbers and needles for a few moments.

Cat In The House

The cat has arrived!

Incredible

I wish I could remember..
But I can't
My mind refuses to look back now
Being content, satisfied, conscious, no longer in any doubt
Not scared, anxious, resentful
Just happiness, bliss, excitement
And the feeling of being able to welcome each day
Living my life
Being kind to my Soul

Palmtrees, blue skies and popcorn

Today I went to meet a lady who looks after stray animals. Mainly cats, but they also have birds, rabbits, hamsters etc all in need of re-homing. Life at home can get very lonely at times, and I thought it would be nice to have company. Little paws, whiskers.. a big fluffy orange cat. I'm going to see another cat tomorrow, who could easily be mine if the cat likes me. Whether or not I like the cat, it does not make any difference, I have been told. I guess tomorrow will come in its own pace and I will find out.
This week has been all about orientation, evaluation, assessments, whatever.. Kind of a nice week not having to be at work, but still classroom training is hard for one's butt! Air-conditioning in the same room has been dodgy, working every now and then, sometimes very efficient and sometimes not at all- usually the latter scenario when the lecturer insists on closing the door and no air is circulating anywhere at all.. Like a sauna.
Outside temperatures are no more than +75 F, but it somehow feels.. hot.
I am weaning myself from eating sugary stuff, especially chocolate. Its replacement is popcorn, which heavily salted does not do any good for arteries, but mine are extra lightly salted. This is not a lecture of nutrition and weight loss, instead I say live long and prosper, eat, sleep, drink- all in moderation, more importantly have fun, enjoy life and Eat your Popcorn if you choose to do so.
Funny enough, my life seems so balanced and happy right now that it is convinces me that my move was the right thing to do.
God bless you guys out there.

Peace on earth

The days are full of sunshine, little rays of hope of betterness in this life. There is always hope. F15 and tornados flying above, is the war upon us? The surface is calm here, deeper down there is anger and deepest ever hatred. My mission is to bring peace and gratitude, each and everyone deserves a chance. No matter what their religion, color, race, beliefs, single, married. Kindness and compassion is for everyone, and we all know what forgiveness is. Forgive and forget if you can, I CAN, I have found that kind of strength in me. All I need to do is go back two years in my thoughts- what was I then? What have I become? Can I honestly say I have learned my lesson?
I have, and once I'd admitted I have indeed found my own Truth,then it was relatively easy to continue the journey. Learned to let go of my attachments (there were many of them..). I no longer needed to pretend I was someone else once I knew how to be true to my SELF. I guess all this brought me back to the Middle East (you could also say the aircraft brought me here :)

A rough patch on Saturday Jan 11, when I got all emotional and upset and tearful, but did not let it get me down- my inner strength in that situation guided me through. I saw it coming.. Once again yoga and meditation showed the way, and that is how I carried on. But I must say crying does help.. in small doses.. In a way I was disappointed to notice I could not control myself, but it all needed to be poured out, there can't be anything wrong in that, and at least it happened in the privacy of my home. Loss of old friends, old country, new home, new work, new dangers and challenges.. Feeling so positive and full of happiness for a long time, how can my mood change all of a sudden? And it was nothing to do with PMS, hormones.. Hah. Me and my overconfident ideas, that I'd adjust just as easily as before, but it is obviously not that straightforward.
It will all settle now, patience pays, remaining neutral and allowing things unfold.. Peace, salam.

Dhahran

Every time I return to my blog, I have a look at the previous posts. Life goes up and downhill, but if we just persevere, there will be sunshine after rain. Well, who knows for sure. Let God take care of it.
I have ants and spiders in my house, a bunch of non-welcome never ending flow of visitors, but hopefully a cat, my new pet will arrive next week and will have a new role as an insect terminator and housekeeper. Most of all, I enjoy living on my own, my house, my stuff- but there is also more time to keep the house and garden neat&tidy. I work from Saturday to Wednesday from 7am to 3.30pm, so I return home in sunlight. Sunrises and sunsets are magnificent here, especially in the desert. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, any morning really, I still cannot believe I have come this far and I do not mean just in miles. I am beginning to appreciate my time in London, how much I learned after all, hardships and good fortune, good and bad days, newly found awareness of what and who I am, simply finding myself. It does help a lot here, settling in, grounding myself- a fantastic kriya for that; Nabhi Kriya, which I disliked, found a nuisance, but hooray, it gave me such courage and physical strength that I had not experienced anything like that before. Now installing Nabhi Kriya and yoga routine back into my brain has been relatively easy. 40 days of yoga, meditation seems almost too easy and I can't think of any reason why.
Another learning experience is my computer, that is what it is desperate to provide me; how to look after it. Install and un-install programs, start all over again, be patient.. Yes, that is what I need to learn. I am kind of starting all over again now, baby-steps at first, but I know I am already half way there. Work is by no means ending here, this is just the beginning.

Destination desert

It has taken me all this time to get settled- long way from home, but this is my new home now in Dhahran. More pictures are on their way, and all I can say is that this is simply amazing.