January 28, 2007

Rodeo horses

My ride today turned out to be adventurous. looks can be deceiving, my gentle natured horse became a wild beast. I was riding past a group of schoolkids, and could see the horse growing more and more suspicious. He took a couple of steps to the left and right and left again- like dance steps. Except that I did not care to dance. Whoo-aa horsey boy, stop that, I said. The horse did not take any notice, from trot to gallop, from gallop to bucking perfomance, that's how it all developed. Racehorse.. I managed to convince him that its safe to stop and he did. Good horsey boy, I thanked him. And turned him back to the stable. In fact we had not gotten far, less than 200 yards. The horse spots the audience, and spooks again. Off we go, me very reluctantly, the horse very happily, "See, i've become a rodeo horse"- style. Not again. I tell him he is being naughty, he does not listen. I hang on, concerned that he is about to jump over the nearby fence.
We finally get nearer to the stables, I dismount, some people come and tell me they witnessed this spectacular performance. I feel mortified. They say I controlled the horse well (hah, the horse was in control), did not fall off (out of desperation!). Where is my good ole Western saddle that's like an armchair? This time we had a dressage saddle. By the grace of God I somehow stayed up in the saddle. Later in the round pen the horse had more lungeing exercise and some more bucking- it did not look good, quite scary in fact, I do not know how I held on.. It kind of felt like a rocking horse. But it's another day tomorrow, another dollar, another riding lesson. Madness..

January 25, 2007

No sleep

Ever since I arrived in Dhahran I have been unable to sleep. Well, I have slept, but not without interruptions. Nowadays it is the cat and her nightly activities. Before the cat in the hat it was too many unwelcome thoughts in my mind. And too much coffee. These thoughts are like a swarm of angry bees and drive my mind into an intolerable state. I wake up at 3am, then 4am and 5am. This itself does not matter, but being unable to fall asleep... Then when the real wake-up call comes, I feel shattered. Then I always think why didn't I go to bed earlier- not too bright on my part. Fun and mind games.
Today was a special one. After a few months' break I was back in the saddle. The horse was a beautiful gentleman, very kind and I lead him for a walk, both of us around the yard. Then I brushed his shiny brown coat and the groom brought the tack and we got him ready for a ride. The horse felt like an energized fully charged Duracell bunny, but we only did some groundwork around the yard. A real racehorse! He loves carrots and apples and next time I will bring him truckloads of them. My friend and I also witnessed a birth of a beautiful baby stallion! Seeing the baby and the mother together, at the beginning of their journey was extraordinary, bonding, being together. I am looking forward to seeing the little cute guy soon. See how he grows, develops, becomes a grown-up horse. I hope he'll never lose that playful part of him. Horseback riding will be my antidote for hard work.
Krazy Kat is hiding behind the armchair, giving me lovable looks at times, sometimes evil looks. She will need her time and space, when she has convinced herself I am not a mass murderer or an alien she'll join the daily routine of this household... what routine...? Lack of sleep routine perhaps.

January 22, 2007

169 xxx

I have become a serial number- does this sound like I was in jail..? Today has been the day of blood samples, vaccinations, test and many more, meningitis vaccine that has already made me feel uneasy itchy feeling and a runny nose.
For the entire day I have been referred as 'xxxxxx'- it does not sound like me, but that's what I've become. I've never been good with numbers, maths, physics.. AAAAAAARGH. Serial number, part of the statistics, a meaningless number- lost my identity somewhere in the maze of hospital corridors.
Hospitals, health centers.. whatever they are called always fill me with suspicion and terror, just the thought of someone sticking one more needle in my arm.. In the past I have had to pop a couple of Valiums in my mouth, it was the only way that enabled me to get into the actual hospital building. 'Health center' sounds innocent, but do not let that mislead you. It is still full of needles and painful experiences. But yes, I know hospital personnel do try their best. I HATE NEEDLES, anything sharp really.
My sincere wish is that in not so distant future every individual would have an option; to choose between 'alternative medicine' or Western medicine. I know where i would be heading, most definitely not in to the state of the art latest technology hospital. My hospital career began when I was 18 years old, first as a student then as radiology technologist and RN- since then I have rarely ventured out of hospital environment, partly because it was safe and familiar something I knew well. One of the bravest steps for me was to study yoga, choose the path out of the hospital. I have not succeeded 100% in this yet, but it will happen one day. Nowadays yoga gives me the courage to face each day in this 'hostile' environment (and no I am not kidding, never ever in my life I have met so much negativity and bullying as I have among health care personnel). I caught myself early, before I became one of the bullies, and before my own negativity completely took over my life.
Now the work I have done for me is beginning to show its rewards- I can lead my life being kind to myself, allow myself to enjoy life, not live someone else's life, not having to ask permission to live my own life.. and one of the biggest gifts; forgiveness. It must have been in front of me and all around me all the time, but I did not realize until several people pointed it out to me. Well, I did not know where I was going, could not settle down, did not want to accept myself the way I was and did not want to change either... So help and guidance are needed sometimes, and I was blessed to find people who were willing to help. Thanks guys.
If there will be an opportunity to ever say thanks, I do not know..
This coming weekend (Thursday and Friday in our part of the world) I have been offered an opportunity to go horseback riding. Of course! I am looking forward to it, putting more distance between me and the hospital building. Not to gallop to the sunset, but instead concentrate on some groundwork and relax and enjoy it. Learn to love the horse, become one with the horse. Forget about serial numbers and needles for a few moments.

January 18, 2007

Cat In The House

The cat has arrived!
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January 17, 2007

Incredible

I wish I could remember..
But I can't
My mind refuses to look back now
Being content, satisfied, conscious, no longer in any doubt
Not scared, anxious, resentful
Just happiness, bliss, excitement
And the feeling of being able to welcome each day
Living my life
Being kind to my Soul

January 15, 2007

Palmtrees, blue skies and popcorn

Today I went to meet a lady who looks after stray animals. Mainly cats, but they also have birds, rabbits, hamsters etc all in need of re-homing. Life at home can get very lonely at times, and I thought it would be nice to have company. Little paws, whiskers.. a big fluffy orange cat. I'm going to see another cat tomorrow, who could easily be mine if the cat likes me. Whether or not I like the cat, it does not make any difference, I have been told. I guess tomorrow will come in its own pace and I will find out.
This week has been all about orientation, evaluation, assessments, whatever.. Kind of a nice week not having to be at work, but still classroom training is hard for one's butt! Air-conditioning in the same room has been dodgy, working every now and then, sometimes very efficient and sometimes not at all- usually the latter scenario when the lecturer insists on closing the door and no air is circulating anywhere at all.. Like a sauna.
Outside temperatures are no more than +75 F, but it somehow feels.. hot.
I am weaning myself from eating sugary stuff, especially chocolate. Its replacement is popcorn, which heavily salted does not do any good for arteries, but mine are extra lightly salted. This is not a lecture of nutrition and weight loss, instead I say live long and prosper, eat, sleep, drink- all in moderation, more importantly have fun, enjoy life and Eat your Popcorn if you choose to do so.
Funny enough, my life seems so balanced and happy right now that it is convinces me that my move was the right thing to do.
God bless you guys out there.


January 13, 2007

Peace on earth

The days are full of sunshine, little rays of hope of betterness in this life. There is always hope. F15 and tornados flying above, is the war upon us? The surface is calm here, deeper down there is anger and deepest ever hatred. My mission is to bring peace and gratitude, each and everyone deserves a chance. No matter what their religion, color, race, beliefs, single, married. Kindness and compassion is for everyone, and we all know what forgiveness is. Forgive and forget if you can, I CAN, I have found that kind of strength in me. All I need to do is go back two years in my thoughts- what was I then? What have I become? Can I honestly say I have learned my lesson?
I have, and once I'd admitted I have indeed found my own Truth,then it was relatively easy to continue the journey. Learned to let go of my attachments (there were many of them..). I no longer needed to pretend I was someone else once I knew how to be true to my SELF. I guess all this brought me back to the Middle East (you could also say the aircraft brought me here :)

A rough patch on Saturday Jan 11, when I got all emotional and upset and tearful, but did not let it get me down- my inner strength in that situation guided me through. I saw it coming.. Once again yoga and meditation showed the way, and that is how I carried on. But I must say crying does help.. in small doses.. In a way I was disappointed to notice I could not control myself, but it all needed to be poured out, there can't be anything wrong in that, and at least it happened in the privacy of my home. Loss of old friends, old country, new home, new work, new dangers and challenges.. Feeling so positive and full of happiness for a long time, how can my mood change all of a sudden? And it was nothing to do with PMS, hormones.. Hah. Me and my overconfident ideas, that I'd adjust just as easily as before, but it is obviously not that straightforward.
It will all settle now, patience pays, remaining neutral and allowing things unfold.. Peace, salam.

January 11, 2007

Dhahran

Every time I return to my blog, I have a look at the previous posts. Life goes up and downhill, but if we just persevere, there will be sunshine after rain. Well, who knows for sure. Let God take care of it.
I have ants and spiders in my house, a bunch of non-welcome never ending flow of visitors, but hopefully a cat, my new pet will arrive next week and will have a new role as an insect terminator and housekeeper. Most of all, I enjoy living on my own, my house, my stuff- but there is also more time to keep the house and garden neat&tidy. I work from Saturday to Wednesday from 7am to 3.30pm, so I return home in sunlight. Sunrises and sunsets are magnificent here, especially in the desert. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, any morning really, I still cannot believe I have come this far and I do not mean just in miles. I am beginning to appreciate my time in London, how much I learned after all, hardships and good fortune, good and bad days, newly found awareness of what and who I am, simply finding myself. It does help a lot here, settling in, grounding myself- a fantastic kriya for that; Nabhi Kriya, which I disliked, found a nuisance, but hooray, it gave me such courage and physical strength that I had not experienced anything like that before. Now installing Nabhi Kriya and yoga routine back into my brain has been relatively easy. 40 days of yoga, meditation seems almost too easy and I can't think of any reason why.
Another learning experience is my computer, that is what it is desperate to provide me; how to look after it. Install and un-install programs, start all over again, be patient.. Yes, that is what I need to learn. I am kind of starting all over again now, baby-steps at first, but I know I am already half way there. Work is by no means ending here, this is just the beginning.



January 09, 2007

Destination desert


It has taken me all this time to get settled- long way from home, but this is my new home now in Dhahran. More pictures are on their way, and all I can say is that this is simply amazing.