Breathwalk in Sandstorm

The storm arrived late yesterday evening, and the sand was everywhere! Computer keyboard, bookshelf, bed linen.. A thin layer of sand covered the living room door. I was outside, could barely see where I was going and the wind tore branches off the trees and wrecked my plants in the garden. Even the flowers were covered with little spots of sand. Breathing in and out, silently repeating Sa Ta Na Ma, was interrupted by the storm. All of a sudden nice walk turned into fast paced run home- there was no way I wanted to turn into a snowman.. no no, wait, into a sandwoman. Only a fool stays outside in a storm like this. I have seen the wind blowing the sand all over the roads until the road becomes part of the sand dunes in a freeway between Sharjah and Dubai, UAE. I've seen the same shamal coloring the sky orange- surreal, silent event- but wait until the wind has gathered its strength. Then the fun begins.
This morning my front yard looked like the desert itself.My bike was covered in sand and dust, the cat's food bowl had flown across the yard, spilling the contents along the way. The ants were busy eating the remains of the Kitekat cat food.
Needless to say, Breathwalk came to an abrupt end yesterday, but i will keep on breathing and walking. Even if I am the only Breathwalker in the desert.

Absolute nothing

Endless energy... The local herb, vitamin and mineral store sells Rhodiola, which was recommended in a magazine, can't remember which, not long ago. So every morning when I line up tablets, pills etc that I have been prescribed, Rhodiola is one of them. It will be exciting to see its effects in long term. Alternative medicine..? Well, when I told my doctor about yoga and its benefits, he stood in contemplative silence for a moment, then replied "keep doing it, if it helps". And it does.
It carried me through illness, good times, bad times, it is a real bundle of joy in my life. Wahe Guru.
I failed my drug administration assessment today. But somehow i know it is not the end of the world, just a sign of something better that is already on the way. I will keep on trying. But during the assessment, when I really struggled with the calculations, my dyslexic mind just did not function, numbers 3 and 8 looked the same to me. And I was feeling insecure, swallowing the tears, would not give myself permission to cry. No way.
Afterward when I was having lunch I felt strangely unattached, non-existent, even relieved. Now I know. This 'new person' status is like a stamp on the forehead; stamp that allows others to abuse you, make you feel like an absolute nothing, loser, inadequate. They will not kill you, they just believe the process makes one stronger. Kind of a rinse in a dishwasher. This is work for you, and I stand behind my earlier post that there is a lot of power play and bullying and abuse of colleagues in nursing. Funny enough, the bullies I encountered years ago seem like 'zero', smaller than an ant on the floor. Ant brain, ant body. Absolute nothing.

Withdrawal

I passed the advanced cardiac life support course, no less than 100%. No more. Celebrated by buying a new computer- whilst at the computer store i realized how privileged I am truly am, same time last year I had to go to the bank begging for a personal loan to buy a computer. And pay credit card debts.
The time spent and money earned here will probably buy me a new university training too. I received the new prospectus from South Bank University this morning, and the courses look tempting, particularly criminology. Just give me something new, brand new, so I will not need to hear the words "cardiac arrest", "cholesterol" and "coronary artery" ever again. This is not to say anything against the life support course I have just passed, worked hard to pass it- and the knowledge I gained will no doubt be useful.

Withdrawal symptoms come from coffee- once again I woke up tired, unrested this morning and skipped the cup of coffee. Hours and a painkiller later I finally succumbed and had a can of pepsi. Ohhhhh. Nooooo. Just taking baby steps this time. Would depression have anything to do with binge-eating? For sure. I have not yet won the battle between the neutral, negative and positive minds, but I am getting there. Withdrawal from the old life in London too. It does take time to settle in, but sometimes one may forget that. I must say the yoga teacher training in London equipped me with plenty of skills, some of them I recognize only today- and feel deeper gratitude and ever before.

It is hot, but I am going out, clean the front yard. Gardening. +80 F. Sunshine Arabia.

I am the sheep that got lost

You know, somewhere on the outer structure on your computer there is sticky label saying "Intel inside". Long ago I saw the same sticker, same design and at first it looked the same to me- then after a more careful examination I realized it actually says "Idiot outside". Yeah. That does make sense.
Hmmm.

The day opened as dull and gray, sand and dust flying everywhere with the wind; shamal- sandstorm. The skies are now clear, birds are singing. My cat's still missing.

"Come what come may. Time and the hour run through the roughest day."
Macbeth.

Stillness lives

Day off. Last night was restless, literally; my legs were still on this constant journey and it took time for them to stop. The telephone rang once at 1030pm, I rushed to answer, but was too late. Today I feel exhausted, the process of weaning myself from coffee proves to be challenging, but I do not want to be dependent on any substance, not the way some colleagues pour six or more cups of coffee down their throats every day. It is their life, I know. The coffee I drank at work for a month or so tasted bitter, just because I thought it would help me fit in. No more.
Sat outside in the sun for an hour or so. It is still pleasantly warm, not that sweat inducing relentless humidity- but the long summer is still ahead of us. Then I fixed the printer, which was buried in the darkness of the wardrobe, but is now alive and working well. Overall I am still tired from last night's adventures. Thank God I said NO to the pain and the painkillers and just waited it out.

Year ago I was a in a better physical shape than I am today. I have let myself go- no control, but knowing that I have already overcome similar scenario once I know I can do it. It was not easy, no one said it was, I believe it.
I might take a nap.. not better moment than the present one.