Rest in Peace

Two people died, just few days between them. Thousands of miles between them.
One was a bubbly happy young lady, whose blog I have been following for quite some time now. She put up a real fight against cancer, but unfortunately this is how it ended. She is no longer in pain, and is surely watching over us now. Her blog was a great inspiration to me, uplifting, cool, funny, everything! Despite of cancer, she still made every day count. Rest in peace Michelle. You are very much missed.

Another person was someone I knew a lot better, having been working with him for 3 years. Him not being there is a great unmeasurable loss, and grief and sadness can't be described. He was a good man, dying in the midst of doing something he felt passionate about. There is still certain amount of disbelief and many many questions, which will probably be left unanswered forever.
I was lucky and blessed I got to know him. He is.. was a person with big heart, compassion, sense of humor, approachable, always smiling. If he was not smiling, he just needed a word of encouragement  and he was ok again.
It is a great loss. He is very much missed, and there are days when I just can't believe he is gone. Rest in peace IS.

" Don’t tell me her name; I don’t need to know it, to cry for her"

Gang rape victim dies in Singapore hospital. This is in Top 10 in Yahoo's "trending now".
Grief is immeasurable, there are no words to describe how I feel. My heart goes out to her family, friends and relatives. It is appalling, outrageous and unbelievable, but it happened. May she rest in peace and may she never be forgotten. Anonymous victim of shocking crime.

Violence against women is not uncommon. Violence is everywhere, not just against women for sure. Many die in vain, but it should not be that way. This case has world wide attention, but many other victims of violent crimes never gain this amount of attention. We think nothing about boarding a bus, it is meant to take us to our destination. Motor vehicle accidents again are common, but not gang rapes!!!! None us expects to be brutally attacked, raped or killed in a bus, train or airplane. Car and plane crashes happen, they are unavoidable, but rape can be prevented. What went on in these young men's minds, what prompted them to do what they did? Alcohol, drugs, whatever gave them the idea of damaging the two strangers' bodies, injuries that would eventually cause one of them to die.

Young men? Boys? Criminals? Rapists and murderers? They all need to be punished- in this case I totally support capital punishment. They have to die for what they did. Alcohol may have conveniently buried all memories "I was not there, I didn't do anything..", but death of this girl is true. Can they now be honest and truthful?
These were no men, no boys, but brutal monsters. Eye for an eye. May they all face firing squad. Let them beg on their knees for mercy, which will never come. Many will celebrate when those monsters are dead. Haven't we already had enough? These monsters must become examples to the rest of the world. This crime is now resting on their shoulders, and only theirs. I feel no pity toward them. Let them die.

Does the society make our youngsters feel that drugs, violence, sexual promiscuity, rape are the 'norm' and ok?

None of this will bring this poor soul back. She did not invite anyone to attack her or choose this day as the day she would die. None of this will make her male friend's injuries heal any faster. None of this will wipe this terrible experience out of his memory. 45 minutes of horrendous attack and NO ONE stopped the nightmare. As if it all is a movie scene. One of the worst ever scenes.
I know... I was not in that bus, but why did no one act?
One person against these monsters probably has no chance, not alone. Monsters were powered by the Devil himself. Totally pointless,senseless, sick. Will they themselves remember every single detail of the attack? Will they hate themselves that much that they commit suicide? One cannot possibly live knowing this is what they have done, and it cannot be undone. Those moments will never return. Those who are left behind, have to deal with this and it will not be easy, nor it can ever be forgotten.

This added to the sorrow, madness and sadness of 2012.


http://nilanjanaroy.com/2012/12/29/for-anonymous/ Nilanjana Roy writes in her blog "Some cases stop being cases. Sometimes, an atrocity bites so deep that we have no armor against it, and that was what happened with the 23-year-old medical student, the one who left a cinema hall and boarded the wrong bus, whose intestines were so badly damaged that the injuries listed on the FIR report made hardened doctors, and then the capital city, cry for her pain."

"On a long road, miles to go
Its winding and cold and its covered with snow
But I ask you what we all want to know
Where are we going from here...

Lines on my face, lines on my hands
Lead to a future I don't understand
Some things don't go as they're planned...
Where are we going from here...

Tracing the trails through the mirrors of time
Spinning in circles with riddles in rhyme
We lose our way, trying to find
Searching to find our way home...
Trying to find our way home...

As the day dies, with tears in our eyes
There's too few hellos and too many goodbyes
Silence answers our cries...where are we going from here...

We're all on this road, with miles to go
Braving new pathways into the unknown
But who do you ask, when no one really knows
Where we are going from here..."

- Blackmore's Night: Where are we going from here

Shadow world

Have you ever wondered how it really feels like to fall asleep.. those precious seconds just before one falls asleep? How does it really feel? Light as feathers, like a warm slow wind on your skin, kind of standing on a bridge?
What if you don't feel like sleeping? You feel tired, but something keeps pulling you back from the border of sleep and the state of awareness?
Inducing sleep: in general anesthesia. "Sweet dreams", someone above you says. You see the mask approaching, the mask is pressed on you face and oxygen begins to flow. You try not to inhale, but finally succumb. Something white enters your vein, feels hot, but the same time comforting. You sleep. Next time you wake up, it is all over.

I was asleep. Laparoscopic (=keyhole) Cholecystectomy to remove a gallbladder and it's contents i.e. stones. Gallbladder gone, incredible upper abdominal pain gone, just tiny wounds left on the abdomen. In my earlier post "24 hours" I did actually suffer from chest pain, or so I thought- it was so convincing. But then three days later, the pain was too much, could simply not be controlled at home. Two nights at work, I kept on thinking I have indigestion and suffered in silence. Boyfriend was concerned and just wanted me up and smiling and being happy again. Six days in hospital, and the damage has been fixed. Physical body, yes, but what about the other bodies and minds? Recovery takes time.

By all means study and learn more about gallstones, people experience dfferent types of symptoms. Some never need any treatment. Some do, and antibiotics and painkillers and modifying the diet can be all that's needed. But don't let it get that far that you are in hospital bed begging for Morphine to take away the pain. I can honestly say it was one of the worst kind of pain I have ever had- and now that my gallbladder has gone, I won't have the same pain. Now experimenting with the diet will begin and some things may work, some don't and then I'll simply try to avoid those foods that don't agree with my body.. That phase has already began. Chocolate does not work, nor do excess doses of rye bread.

But sleep.. Sleeping has been uncomfortable. Hospital bed resembles torture device and killed my back. I am slowly stretching my back into its normal shape. Abdominal wounds still cause some tightness and funny tingling and don't allow me to sleep the way I normally do. I wake up covered in sweat. Is this still the part of my body getting rid of antibiotics and other not so friendly substances I was given in hospital?
Sleep.. is it a resting phase or do we actually practice dying while we sleep? Part of the post-operative recovery process at home it occurred to me I could have died. But then I could have died when I drove my car last week. Or something, somewhere, some place else. Death. It came as a shock, realization that I could have stayed asleep, never waking up. Dying so far from home. Would anyone remember me? How does it feel, is it just like falling asleep? And where do we go..? What if we become ghosts in the world between this one and next one? The world of shadows? Is death dark and scary?
Those people, who have already passed on; our family members, relatives, friends- will we meet them? There are my grandparents, aunt, Nora the dog.. so many.. Will we meet again? Life is not for an eternity, not here- but the life after this? Will we live?

I am feeling better, no longer having these thoughts, not that much. Every moment counts. Every moment is precious and there is still some time left. This moment, this second, this minute. Every text message I send to my boyfriend, it all counts. Every beautiful ray of the sun. Every bite of a delicious pancake. Smell of freshly mowed grass. Smile of a stranger. My giant horse trying to get a cuddle. Raindrop on my skin. Kindness in the world. Beautiful painting. Delicious risotto.Smell of a rainforest. Softness of velvet.

Prayer works. I talk to God more and more, give thanks every day. Amen.