Here's to the future

Off from work and more time to reflect.. perhaps. Only if I was not so tired. This is both mental and physical tiredness and it just does not go away no matter how long I sleep. Where is that post again "Surviving 6 weeks without Synthroid in preparation for Thyroid whole body scan"?
That post has not been written just yet. Not yet, but I am about to.

Few more days of 2011 left. Greatest achievements? Many, being healthy and happy most part of the 365 days a year, all those days were remarkable. Feeling, staying alive, keeping up. I passed an important healthcare quality exam. I rode in my show jumping competition- last one was more than 25 years ago! While I did not get clear round (the horse would have, had I not been sitting up there slowing her down..), I got that experience of being there and riding. Cross country riding did not end that well- I got half way through the course and full stop arrived at jump number 8. I fell, dislocated my shoulder and while the show must go on, mine did not on that day. Shoulder popped back into the socket, plenty of ice and shoulder was as good as new! Weird! It is actually feeling better than it was.
I mean don't go falling off your horses and bikes etc, it may not have happy outcome, but well, mine was- lucky. I was wearing body protector and riding helmet- without them it might have been a different story.
Falling off and climbing back on has not always been this easy! I fell off once in Dulwich Riding school, badly bruised, embarrassed, two broken ribs and broken bone in my hand and foot nearly got caught in the stirrup iron- it was frightening and I never went back riding there. Nothing to do with the horse, school, instructor- it was just me and my shattered confidence. Healing took time, but now I have a horse and ride almost every day. Most important, it is fun.

That is of course, when fatigue does not stop me.
Kundalini Yoga once again provided me with solution: one of Gurmukh Kaur Khalsa's yoga DVD's. Can't remember name of the kriya, but it does awaken me. I swore I would not get depressed and anxious this time, but unfortunately lack of thyroid hormone can really wreck person's life. I also did not think I'd become puffy and edematous, nauseous, gain weight, begin too lose hair, bleed extra heavily during my period- or is it all in my mind? We all react differently, for sure. My last scan was in 2004, but I barely noticed anything out of ordinary. Yoga teacher training kept me busy. Light sattvic diet was exactly what I needed, along with hours of activities to keep my mind occupied. Kriya a day and chanting surely help this time too, or else I believe I would be in bed all day long, thoughts of anxiety escalating. I must say I am happiest when I sleep!

Asking myself that question of what's my life like, and how much do I really truly appreciate being alive? The answer is I appreciate being alive. No matter how much these scans and blood tests try to put me down and tell me to dig a hole and stay there until I look presentable and "good enough" to get out of the house. When I spoke to my doc this morning, I burst out in tears. I don't expect he saw it coming, but I was feeling very fragile and I still am. Unable to eat anything I want... low-iodine diet will be my companion for the next two weeks. It's not just the scan, it's all this preparation that drives me madddddddddddd! Then yes, the scan itself, while it does not hurt physically, it can be quite a mental journey to and back from chambers of hell in the mind. What if... what then.. will I die? Put those filthy thoughts out of your mind! How do I feel right now? Pretty much ok. Not as if I had something alien growing in my body, surely I would have an idea, tiny seed of doubt in my mind, if this was the case. Cancer would not just sneak back into my life without some sort of alarm bells ringing.

These are things that can form vicious circle of thoughts and ideas, but fleeting moments of clarity enable me to see not everything is black and white on this circle. There are ways to get out and find hope.

My wish is that 2012 will bring joy, health and happiness to everyone's life.

Sunset

Cancer story

My cancer picked wrong person, just like cancer always does, and many other diseases for that matter. Mine was follicular variant of thyroid cancer, such a fancy name, I thought it would be nice to have it printed on a T-shirt. Two operations and RAI, and I was supposed to be feeling as good as new. The doc said "this is one of the best cancers you could ever wish for"- yes, and what are the other cancer types that I could also wish for..??? He had no answer to that question- proving my theory right that doctors don't know everything after all. I felt very pleased with myself; my doc has limitations and knowledge gaps. I don't have the world's best/easiest cancer after all!
Thyroid scans and Synthroid followed, and it was incredibly challenging to find the right dose of Synthroid. 8 months after the second operation I developed severe chest and upper abdominal pain (What now!?!?) and I was admitted again. Fever, iv antibiotics, Morphine, constant nausea, vomiting went on for two days and ultrasound exam revealed I have gallstones. Three giant stones, and "hundreds" of small. How many stones can you squeeze in gallbladder? At least three giant, and hundreds, if not thousands of "small" stones? I begged the doctor to operate, and on a Friday morning I underwent a laparoscopic cholecystectomy. Pathology report showed I had both acute and chronic inflammation of the gallbladder.
This all felt almost worse than the entire cancer episode! I had a JP drain in thyroidectomy incision, it came out easily, but not the one in the vicinity of the old bladder. Aaaarrrrgggghhh! One of the worst pains I could have imagined. But the drain is out and it is no longer part of me.

Cancer days are over, but it does not mean they have been forgotten. Thoughts of recurrence appear sometimes, especially when I go for check-ups. I had a chat with my oncologist two days ago, and he said he would be happy for me to pop in and see him once a year. He felt that recurrence would be very unlikely- and I am going to hang on to those words.

I am feeling ok, most of the time, no longer depressed as I was after the diagnosis and inbetween all the treatments and operations and scans and seemingly endless blood tests. The balance between hypo/hyperthyroidism is still difficult to find, I seem to slide between the two all the time, no matter how we try adjusting the dose. Crap! I feel much better without the thyroid, it was annoying me, but small white Synthroid tablets don't seem to work that well either.

Ong Namo by Siri Ganesh Kaur

Lana Del Rey - Born To Die

1920hrs

Nothing wrong with going to bed at twenty past seven in the evening..?
Probably not.
5 year "cancerversary" AKA anniversary is approching, it is just another month and a day away! 5 year anniversary warrants one more (fingers crossed) thyroid scan. In preparation I stopped Synthoid in early December and started Cytomel. Shortly afterward I began experiencing tremor; it started in my right had, middle finger and promptly proceeded to rest of the fingers. Right hand? Right. The one and only hand for using computer mouse and for many other countless tasks. Fatigue. Forgetfulness. I seem to be unable to remember what I was saying just a moment ago- these days I am writing everything down, all sort of instructions especially at work. I really have no desire getting into trouble because of poor memory, even though it is probably just short-term. And who says Cytomel is to blame? My memory has been ok, not excellent, but just fine, so Cytomel and fatigue and all other problems it has brought into my life, might be affecting memory too.
Dec 21 means just one thing: Discontinue Cytomel.
Party starts then.
I am sure I can beat short term hypothyroidism. The scan itself will take place in early January.

Am I worrying about possible recurrence? I may, but then memory issues take over and I could just easily forget I was worried moment ago. But honestly, I try my best not to worry.

Going to bed early sounds like a great idea- a fatigue fighter.

Ungrateful .....

Offer to help someone, at home, work, public transport, pretty much anywhere. Most of the time I'd like to think person who steps up to help receives some sort of thank you. Verbal is just fine, smile goes a long way too; no need for chocolates and flowers, even though they are nice too :-)
But then, when you try your best, and when that simple thank you would have been all that's required, all you receive instead is an angry verbal outburst and truckloads of accusations and questions, selfless act of offering help does not feel such a great idea anymore.
So jeez thanks to yet another jerk in my life, I began wondering Why Oh Why was I so desperate to get myself into this mess. Nothing is ever very straightforward with this person. Should have known.
It is raining and it is cold. I sure hope that this ungrateful b....c realizes she could easily be left out in the cold very much alone. No offers of assistance are expected nor offered in the very near future.

FAIL

Desert

Sixth sense

Do animals sense fear, unhappiness, joy? Do they also sense well-being and illness? Recurrence of cancer?

It's all in your head

I met friend of mine few days ago and meeting was long overdue.I had not seen her in years, but at the same time it felt like no time has passed when we last met. We had lunch, it stretched into a three hour marathon lunch with delicious food, drinks etc. Restaurant staff appeared very pleased when we finally left, and yes we did leave generous tip too. That's not the most important thing anyway... She asked me questions about patient confidentiality; does it apply to all patients?
Yes it does, all the time. Even when I speak about my condition to healthcare professional outside hospital environment? Well it still should, but because some news is just soooo impossible not to spread, it may not work. Depends on the person you talk to, and whether they know their mouths should stay shut. My friend had confided in her classmate PT, telling him about her depression- something that she had not forgotten, but had overcome it. Classmate of hers was a nurse, who apparently did not think the information he received was confidential, because couple of weeks later everyone knew of it.
Guess who would feel joy and happiness over that sort of news, and the fact that someone foolishly thought the conversation would remain inside those four walls- it did for a day or two and then spread like wildfire.
All I could say was I am sorry to hear this, it should not have happened, but some people just can't keep it to themselves. "Confidential, yeah, whatever, do I look I care."
Once again, social stigma of mental illness is still out there and yes, I know it is very different that breaking an arm or contracting sexually transmitted disease. Being depressed does not make one any worse than anyone else and definitely not justify this guy's actions.
I trust that what comes around goes around and one day Mr PT may find out that his depression or whatever is common knowledge. How does that feel?

Lost opportunities

Remember when something was just within your reach, and you did not reach for it?
It might have happened more than once, twice, three times?
Quite like when the alarm clock goes off in the morning, you get up and start your day. That's an opportunity that you did not miss.
Another time friend of yours invites you to dinner, you go, eat, have a chat, have fun. Not a missed opportunity.
Phone rings and I don't answer. Missed opportunity? Quite possibly.
Facebook friend request arrives at my Facebook "doorstep". Accept? No. Lost opportunity? Maybe. Yes.
Someone somewhere one day approached me. I was not quite in the mood of conversing with a stranger- and what do they say about strangers? Strangers are friends we have not yet met. Lost opportunity there.
Can''t say "Yes"all the time to each and every request and demand, but if your judgment, like mine, is pretty poor, then it's likely you've "missed"it- whether it is a lottery win, gorgeous man, gift from a stranger... Maybe it just was not meant to happen?

Talking about alarm clocks, I no longer need one. This furry creature "Nightowl" above is my alarm clock. 5am sharp, weekday or weekend, rain or shine, she is sure to wake me up.

Traffic

Awww no not again.
- One lane leading to highway- a chap in a red Chrysler insists on getting in front of us, no matter what. Bloody ammonia head.
- One chap on driver's seat, two lanes, driving in the middle of them, on top of the white lane.
- My turn, to the left, this guy is driving 1 meter distance from my rear bumper and has this urgent need to get past, which he eventually does, ignoring the 65 km/hr speed limit. Black SUV.
- Red light=no turn right. This guy in another SUV sees there is no traffic and takes the initiative to turn, never mind the red light.
- Another one in Chevrolet wants the same lane where I am. Yo man, where is the indicator. Right or left? Useless. Needless to say he was not going in front of me and my vehicle.

Recognize yourself from any of the above? Get back into driving school, because it is obvious you got your licence by bribing the official. They call it "wasta"in our neck of the woods.

Super bad day

Myself and a colleague are working together in this project at work. We've had several meetings with other subject matter experts, and we have progressed far. It's a relatively new topic for both of us, but my colleague is very skilled and experienced in this type of things anyway. Until this morning. Where did all that experience and skills possessed by by colleague leave me? Hanging in there, yes, with feelings of inadequacy, failure and hopelessness. Colleague has usually dealt with presentations in the meetings, I used to sit there feeling all of the above, and frustrated too. Then the magic word "I" appeared. Then "we". Then "I" again. Who did what, who did the typing, who did the presentation, who has taken more active role in this? Who found all the data, who modified it so that "we" can present it, and take credit what "we" have achieved?
After the meeting I approached (=ambushed) my colleague and stated that she is taking all the credit to herself by using the "I" word far too many times for my liking. We did it together, not just me, not just her. My presenting my case just wasn't successful, not the way I had intended. Wrong words, wrong time, wrong place. She took it really badly, got very insulted and by then it was too late. How do you take the words back that have already been said?
There is no way.
Treat others the way you'd like to be treated yourself. Would I like someone saying the same words, in the same accusatory manner to me? Did I mean everything I said, did I mean to say it the way I did?
By the time the meeting had ended I knew I had to say what I said, but in all honesty, truthfully I did NOT mean for it to sound so awful. But of course it did.
Yogi Bhajan's words below are the very same words I have read many times, but prior to opening my mouth today I did not remember how to get the message across so as not to make it sound like the worst possible crime.
My colleague's response to all this was that she has done her best, she has always included me in the project and has given me thanks and positive feedback. She ensured that I was not forgotten. Yes, she has. She had not used to word "I" in a manner that suggests she is the only person here. She had not meant it that way.
Piss poor job from my part, not the hours and work I had contributed, but how I said it all.
I don't think there is any need to emphasize that I didn't mean it to come out this way. I've said it, what's done is done and it can't be undone.
No one died, sure, but something between us did, and repairing this damage will take a long time. If it can ever be fixed at all.
We did talk it through, but there will always be doubt in the air- will this other person turn nasty again? Any future projects are definitely in jeopardy, at least projects between the two of us. I would like an instant fix, but there is nothing like that in this world.

Yogi Bhajan's advice can be found in www.3ho.org
webpages, and there is plenty of other stuff to explore.

Yogi Bhajan gave these five rules for communication:1

Rule 1: You are communicating for a better tomorrow, not to spoil today.

Rule 2: Whatever you are going to say is going to live forever. And you have to live through it. Therefore, take care you don’t have to live through the mud of your own communication.

Rule 3: One wrong word said can do much more wrong than you can even imagine or even estimate.

Rule 4: Words spoken are a chance for communication. Don’t turn them into a war.

Rule 5: When you communicate, you have to communicate again. Don’t make the road rough.

http://www.3ho.org/kundalini-yoga/humanology/communication

Summer of 2011

Happy Holidays!

Swan

Heppu and Me

Me and Don

Lake

Countryside

Flowers

Riding

Grey's Anatomy

"There is a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I would be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love? And then you don't have it. What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever ... "
-Meredith Grey in Grey's Anatomy.

"Love what is ahead by loving what has come before." - Yogi Bhajan

Was it just a year ago... ? Or more..?
In a galaxy far far away.

Radiance..
It was myself and a friend of mine walking home after yoga class, along the river Thames in London. He asked me what I like in my life, I just burst into tears and replied "I like nothing in my life". He asked what would make me happy. What would make me happy indeed?
He held my hand all the way home, gave me a hug and told me to stay in touch, not to be a stranger, not to isolate myself.
This man has a big heart, he is caring, more than most others. His words were like magic, exactly what i needed to hear, right place, right time.

And this man is still somewhere there, I know this for sure.

Another one, here we go:
Not so in the distant past- I was somewhere on a mountain. Climbing up was not actually a pleasure, but the view from up there was fantastic, so rewarding. It was peaceful and quiet. I just felt good, the way I was supposed to feel when I am 100% present in myself. I was surrounded by a group of people, all on the same journey. On the way down the mountain I saw a llama, one of those Peruvian four legged animals. The llama's eyes were bright and full of wisdom. It took me a while to be able to turn my gaze away from that magnificent animal. This could have well been the highlight of the journey. Such a simple thing, but it was wonderful. Walking up and down the mountain, feeling negative and angry and even bored, physically so exhausted that uphill journey was a constant struggle. Yes, gravity did provide assistance in climbing/sliding down, but then the journey up had already wiped all that deep seated negativity and anxiousness out of my mind. I was free to enjoy the scenery.. and the Llama!

This one really and truly happened once, somewhere in the French Alps, breathtaking scenery, but it was already dark when our group finally made it to the top. Following morning beauty of this sacred site was crystal clear- there was no doubt in my mind then that I had reached one of the destinations assigned for me. There were no llamas, but I think I saw a cow!

When everything (not) goes wrong...

Or at least when it appears so.. It just feels like all this crap picks one particular moment and then the floodgates open. Husband decides he needs a break. Ok, I let him have it. Riding lesson went down south, when I was not concentrating and new jodhpurs (yes, something/someone else to blame) caused me to slide all over the place on the saddle. Laptop refuses to recognize on/off button and would prefer to stay silent forever unless I leave it powered on... forever. iPhone got stuck in recovery mode- no doubt because laptop has to deal with it's own challenges, and could not and would not communicate with iPhone.
None of this is something that can't be overcome, but it may take some time. And I do have time, thanks be to God.

Dogs dogs dogs

Fear of known unknown

Those dreaded check-up's are approaching fast. Speed of light.
Dentist, ob-gyn, oncologist, endocrinologist, yeah let's just line them up all and why not invite all of them into the same room too. Why not add mammogram too? The title of "scariest/most unpleasant/embarrassing/humiliating experience" must go to ob-gyn. No matter what I do, no matter how many times I go to see my ob-gyn Peter, who is one of the gentlest souls in the world, I just can't get used to the idea of what happens at his office.
My latest (and the very last, I swore, but then find myself booking another appointment again..) appointment was while ago, and I went in after few sips from cognac bottle. Yes, cheers, straight from the bottle. No wonder my handbag was so heavy. Not the best cognac in the market. Needless to say, I was drunk and don't remember much what I said to the doctor. All I need to remember was that I managed to stay on my feet, did not embarrass myself totally and even managed to pay the bill, walk out of the medical center, appear somewhat coherent and hmmmm relaxed. It was quite an ordeal; when I arrived I promptly found restroom, took a sip or two in there, walked out, sat in the waiting room. Restless feeling. Thoughts racing around in my head. Kind of unreal- I am effing drunk!
As usual, I had arrived early and now sat there sporting waxy kind of smile on my face. People were coming and going, talking, reading books and magazines. All of a sudden good old doc opened the exam room door and calls for.... not me, but the previous client! Oh-oh. With fairly respectable effort, I get up off the chair and head back to the restroom. The floor has weird angle, like I was climbing a wall. I must be traveling on stormy seas. In front of me, in the mirror was rather peculiar sight; a drunk person. Appearance pretty decent, but drunken eyes! Where am I?
By the time it was my turn, I vaguely remember shooting up from the waiting room chair, straight into the exam room, past the doctor, who probably thought his patient has no manners. I suspect he knew all along, but after the exam and paperwork etc I confessed that I had taken few sips of something stronger than water. He must have seen it all, but I could detect some sort of weird vibe in the air, unspoken words that may or may not have ended up as written words in my file: "Patient conquered her fear of me, one of the most polite, kindest and gentlest ob-gyn in the world, by ingesting fair amount of unknown alcoholic drink prior to entering my office."
Patient, that would be me, stands up and confesses that she was shit scared, and can't tolerate an existence, albeit brief, of fear.
It is very well known and accepted fact that annual or less than annual check-up's are necessary. It makes sense to me, yes, even though it is another well known fact that I am stubborn and hardheaded at times.
The year before I turned up under influence of Valium, but it didn't completely numb me and my phobia, so that is the reason why I turned into drinking.
This year... well, nothing is set in stone, but I do not see how I would suddenly find the courage to go for all these appointments without some extra encouragement. By threatening to take my restroom and meal privileges away won't do a thing- I may end up canceling the appointments, every single one of them.
Visit to dental nurse was not any better. She cleaned my teeth with some sort of ultrasound cleaner, it kind of hurt and felt unpleasant, but did not take long. Then she spotted "something" that looked like cavity. Awww nooooo. No way. I've never ever ever had cavities in my life, nor am I going to have one now. Follow up at dentist's office next week proved that it was not cavity, but it was already too late. I had developed several scenarios in my mind, all of them cavity-related and I knew I would definitely need decent dose of sedatives before I let anyone anywhere near my mouth. Mind you, or any other part of my body. I had wisdom teeth removed under general anesthesia, because I threatened to bite off the dentist's fingers.
Preparation for this year's check-up's probably will stay pretty much the same.

Does a mammogram hurt?

Guilty!

Cat

Bon Voyage

Off to a short trip to the capital tomorrow.

Shattered

Awwww. Just when I thought things were gonna be "just fine"... Thyroid function tests are upside down, worse than ever to tell the truth. Miracle I am still alive.
Falling asleep during the day, never really feeling rested and awake. TSH levels have climbed into a new level - to celebrate the new year..? T3 and T4 levels all time low. How weird.
High cholesterol, high blood sugar and they made me drink that awfully sweet yucky glucose solution in the lab yesterday. Crap! The taste, at the very beginning wasn't that bad, but aftereffects were worse. They told me not to vomit, no to faint. I did none of the above, but felt it. Try concentrating on work then.
I am hoping, praying, all at the same time that this isn't the beginning of something much worse.

I am going out now for a walk with the horse. He has been a real treasure, very kind and gentle, perhaps sensing that I wasn't well.

Back to endocrine world

Follow-up appointment next week- unusual for me as I decided at one point that I'd not let anyone interfere in my cancer free life. Well, things have changed. Perhaps the new year has awoken my more mature side? Or I just became desperate for attention?
Whatever the reason, I am going and get into the bottom of hypoglycemia, fatigue and few other symptoms I've been having recently. Husband got slightly upset when I hinted I may have diabetes. If he got upset, how on earth am I going to react to the news myself, that is if this truly is diabetes. If not, well, that's going to be moment of huge relief and I'll most likely burst into tears.. or uncontrollable laughter. And well, if it is, I'll probably do exactly the same.
They say losing weight may "cure" type 2 diabetes? Then that may well be one of my best treatment options- with or without diabetes.
As for thyroid ca, I hope it stays in the distant past.

No posts for 2011

Not yet. Happy New Year, may this one bring all the happiness, health and wealth to each and everyone of us!
As for New Year's resolutions- they are secret!

First week of the year started hard at work and as a result I am already feeling shattered and the week hasn't even reached its end. Just that old realization that grass ain't always greener on the other side finally hit me, and it was as if the bubble had burst. In a way it did. In a blink of an eye I realized all of this- work mostly- was kind of a vacuum. Sit in there, feeling seeing hearing nothing, remembering bits and pieces of what once was.. It's both hilarious and disappointing. Disappointment; because The Others (yes, it's always them) dictate the way we behave, speak, listen. Always under a watchful eye. Hilarious, because I "see" all this weird stuff going on around me- and yes I am talking mostly about work here- but somehow I still retain the ability to detach myself from the reality, especially when bad stuff happens.
Now, not much of this makes sense, but then the beginning of twenty eleven has not made much sense yet either.
Translation into English: Once or twice some of us have thought that the grass is much fresher and greener on the other side. At first it is so. Then the "honeymoon" phase comes to an abrupt end and .. well... it's harder than hard to realize new job/school/girlfriend/that sale item weren't what we needed or wanted after all. Clocks won't turn back, and I won't get my October 1 twenty ten back either. That's when I signed my work contract, and thought this will be it, until I retire. I guess it is now just one day at the time- my husband tells me to adopt wait n see attitude, but my attitude is more like "don't ask, don't tell".

Cancerversary AKA anniversary of cancer free years is also approaching on the Jan 16, and that may actually mean more to me than the 1/1/11. I wish my yearly MRI wasn't scheduled after Jan 16, because it'd be a shame if cancerversary party wouldn't last weeks, months, years.. You know what I mean.. :-) Cancer isn't welcome into my life, no one else's either, stupid ca, stay away. You really chose the wrong bitch.

World weather report: well, it is pretty weird what's happening around the world. Floods in Australia, snowstorms, tornadoes, rain, earthquakes in England! Hot hot hot summers in the northern hemisphere. Are the culprits here the greenhouse gases..? Global warming? For how long do we believe there will be life on earth as it is today?
My heart goes out to all of those, who these severe weather conditions have touched in one way or another.

H1N1 wars. Handwashing empire and swine flu vaccine are striking back. H1N1 is retreating back into its corner and slouching in defeat.