On Horseback

U2 - Numb - (HD)

Numb

U2: Numb
Don't move
Don't talk out of time
Don't think
Don't worry
Everything's just fine
Just fine

Don't grab
Don't clutch
Don't hope for too much
Don't breathe
Don't achieve
Or grieve without leave

Don't check
Just balance on the fence
Don't answer
Don't ask
Don't try and make sense

Don't whisper
Don't talk
Don't run if you can walk
Don't cheat, compete
Don't miss the one beat

Don't travel by train
Don't eat
Don't spill
Don't piss in the drain
Don't make a will

Don't fill out any forms
Don't compensate
Don't cower
Don't crawl
Don't come around late
Don't hover at the gate

Don't take it on board
Don't fall on your sword
Just play another chord
If you feel you're getting bored
I feel numb
I feel numb
Too much is not enough
I feel numb
Don't change your brand Gimme what you got
Don't listen to the band
Don't gape Gimme what I don't get
Don't ape
Don't change your shape Gimme some more
Have another grape
Too much is not enough
I feel numb
I feel numb
Gimme some more
A piece of me, baby
I feel numb
Don't plead
Don't bridle
Don't shackle
Don't grind Gimme some more
Don't curve
Don't swerve I feel numb
Lie, die, serve Gimme some more
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/u/u2-lyrics/numb-lyrics.html]
Don't theorize, realise, polarise I feel numb
Chance, dance,dismiss, apologise Gimme what you got
Gimme what I don't get
Gimme what you got
Too much is not enough
Don't spy I feel numb
Don't lie
Don't try
Imply
Detain
Explain
Start again I feel numb
I feel numb
Don't triumph
Don't coax
Don't cling
Don't hoax
Don't freak
Peak
Don't leak
Don't speak I feel numb
I feel numb
Don't project
Don't connect
Protect
Don't expect
Suggest
I feel numb
Don't project
Don't connect
Protect
Don't expect
Suggest
I feel numb
Don't struggle
Don't jerk
Don't collar
Don't work
Don't wish
Don't fish
Don't teach
Don't reach
I feel numb
Don't borrow Too much is not enough
Don't break I feel numb
Don't fence
Don't steal
Don't pass
Don't press
Don't try
Don't feel
Gimme some more
Don't touch I feel numb
Don't dive
Don't suffer
Don't rhyme
Don't fantasize
Don't rise
Don't lie
I feel numb
Don't project
Don't connect
Protect I feel numb
Don't expect
Suggest

Don't project
Don't connect
Protect I feel numb
Don't expect
Suggest

I feel numb

How to survive without Synthroid for 6 weeks in preparation for Thyroid WBS Part 3

9 days have passed since the Scan number 1.
6 days since the Scan number 2.
Back on Synthroid for 9 days.
I am beginning to see the difference. I no longer need to nap for hours and I've been back at work. My exercise tolerance is pretty poor and last riding lesson on Sunday Jan 15 was cut short, because I was short of breath all the time. Riding is not just being a passenger on horse-back. Why even bother to ride...? It is one of those things I do, to prove myself I can DO it, prove those all-mighty doctors wrong. Why should I stay indoors all the time and give up something I love doing? I'd ride for five minutes, if that's the best I can do.

6 weeks without Synthroid puts enormous pressure on both physical and mental body. Everyone, as we all are individuals, handles it in a different way. For some it's a real struggle, for some it is easier. At the time when all I could do was ask for sick leave, I felt like s..t and all I could think was go home and back to bed. Few days after that I felt like I needed to lay down on the floor, because of extreme fatigue. I think I could have slept 24 hours a day. On top of all that.. my period was extremely heavy! Yikes!!!
And then, mammogram! Nooo way. Yes, I've been postponing it since last August, knew very well it had to be done, but there were days when I simply forgot, and another few days and weeks when I chose to ignore it. Mammogram was clear, not at all as bad as I had thought. Uncomfortable, yes. I nearly passed out when they were taking the oblique views, but it was really over so quickly that I had to "time" to pass out. I could have taken Brufen or Tylenol or something beforehand, but it all happened so suddenly. I went to have a chat with radiologist and all of a sudden I found myself in the "mammo room". I had a chat with another patient, who was very clearly alive, breasts not crushed, not in pain, not attempting to get out the department as soon as possible. Feeling encouraged, I went and had it done. It is worse than blood test, but absolutely not worse that pap smear. Definitely an option, when it comes to choosing whether to break my arm or having mammogram. I'll take the mammogram. I never thought I'd say this.

I guess it's like giving birth, that experience of labor, you forget it eventually, when you see the "result"- baby. I also find most of the days without Synthroid are slowly disappearing into shadows and I don't recall what that fatigue was really like. Was it really that bad..? Well yes, when I felt bed was no longer an option, that I had to rest on the floor, yes it was bad.
I questioned the need of thyroid scans, all these without my meds and lack of follow-up. My TSH dropped down to 127 and no one thought it is necessary to call me and ask if I am ok. Thanks be to God my husband, co-workers and friends were around, even though husband travels frequently and does not stay at home for long periods of time.
Once the Scan number 1 was done, I called the good old endocrine doc and said I'm starting Synthroid TODAY, no matter what, and I did.
Right now endocrine doc is waiting for tumor marker blood results and I feel he is dragging his feet and waiting for what... miracle..? Something that would say the scan was wrong and there is no activity at all. He is in denial..? Aww poor man.

He has most gorgeous eyelashes.

I did not "survive" those six weeks with his eyelashes in my mind.
I got out of the house, I rode the horses, I took yoga classes at home in front of the TV. I slept, I cried, I laughed, I watched cartoons and DVD's. I talked to people and horses, not really remembering a lot of those conversations.. I'd have loved to have stamina and courage to stay 100% with it, physically and mentally fit, but no, I could not do it.
6 weeks eventually comes to an end..

How to survive without Synthroid for 6 weeks in preparation for Thyroid WBS Part 2

Thyroid WBS: painless, but takes a bit of time, so wrap up warm. Most of us, who are severely hypothyroid, are already cold, and I wish I had brought woolly socks and cardigan to wear. I had to get the scan done twice; second one took just 20 minutes, but first one.. seems like hours and hours. Technician, who "did" my first scan was there for the second one too, but his facial expression seemed as if... someone had burst his bubble. Deflated his tires. Planted a chewed chewing gum in his hair. Locked himself out of the house in 32 F. Oooops. and how am I supposed to feel then..? All of the above?
I actually felt nothing, just fatigued and brain fog has not lifted yet. I forget to eat and drink, when I do remember, I feel whole lot better.
"Under the scanner" yesterday I was feeling cold (made a mental note to wear thermal underwear next time). Feeling cold and uncomfortable (bring your fluffy pillow and mattress too lol), brought tears in my eyes. Nuclear med doctor came to chat with me at the end of the scan: There two "small" areas that lit up like a Christmas tree. Two?
CT scan of the neck last Wednesday showed a bubble like structure, and I wondered what it was.

TSH 127.28. Free T3 0.26. Free Thyroxine <0.79. TSH high high high, rest of the low low low.

I did not feel "radioactive"nor I was glowing in the dark. Boo hoo. Of course I knew that, but could not resist the temptation to ask Will I glow if I wake up at night? I might not need lights in the restroom then..? Awww that look of disbelief in their eyes. Gotcha!

Never give up your sense of humor, in fact now is the time to become wicked and keep it up.

When facing the mirror, and puffy eyed stranger stares back at you; YES it is you. Still you. Make the most of it. Milk it, as they say. Use the Cancer card. Read my blog and comment.

I've got to deal with what comes next. I have four options, and next step is thyroid ultrasound and biopsy. Possible biopsy I say, as if I have any say in this, but actually truthfully I do. It is my body and I can use and abuse (pun intended) it the way I like lol.
I am very much aware that each of us have our own battles and challenges. Simple blood test and the sight of needle may just be enough for some- and that's ok. Do whatever it takes to get it done. Some stuff is awful, creepy, disgusting, humiliating etc, but whatever it takes. You decide.
Friend of mine has a horse, but is scared to ride. I also own one, and sometimes I'd rather not ride. Scared of falling off, scared of countless "what if" scenarios, but because options are limited; either you fall off or stay on, this sort of mind-game becomes boring. So I keep showing up in riding lessons, ride, do my best 99% of the time and I can say I am half way there. Somewhere.
Same applies to nasty stuff that happens in hospitals. We may not care about everything they do us, but we keep showing up, sometimes intoxicated, because right then it is IMPOSSIBLE to even think about quitting, it has to be done no matter how unpleasant.
I had TSH level and tumor marker bloods done last week, felt like shit, but had to get it done. I took friend of mine with me. He kept me endlessly entertained with just being there, being present. There are people like this. He also tells me dirty jokes every now and then and I bet he could make some people veryyyyy uncomfortable. Someone like him, take him with you to scans, tests etc and life's just tiny bit easier for you. I might ask if he'd like to have date with me in ultrasound. For dessert we'll have biopsy. How about that?

6 weeks is a long time without Synthroid, even with Cytomel added there to make life somewhat bearable, but the end of it will come. Eventually.
I wish I had been able to take three honest weeks off from work, but did I not think I could just breeze through this one too. Not a walk in the park. I can't over emphasize the importance of sleep and rest. Watching TV and facebooking are excellent, as well as getting outdoors every day. Walk around the block is already great.

Neuropathy, ever so welcome visitor, attacked my hands last week- no doubt because of low TSH. I can't type anymore.

How to survive without Synthroid for 6 weeks in preparation for Thyroid WBS Part 1

6 weeks- 1.5 months, 45 days approximately.
The hospital where I am going to have the scan has protocol that says stop Synthroid, start Cytomel for two weeks and then stop Cytomel too. TSH check prior to ingesting iodine 131 capsule. Now it looks simple enough written like this, and this is why I also thought six weeks would pose no challenge at all.
I stopped Synthroid in late November and felt almost normal. Cytomel caused right middle finger to twitch, and then proceeded to tremor so that I was totally unable to type and write- both essential skills in my work. Once Cytomel was gone, it was a rather rapid decline. Fatigue hit me first, then puffy eyes, fingers, toes. Then incredible tiredness. Then that sort of feeling that drove me to endo's office begging for magic solution, which in this case was sick leave.
You do not want to start cooking and planning weekly meal menus, when you feel this way. You might feel you need nothing to eat or drink at all. If you, like me had to stay on low-iodine diet for two weeks prior to iodine scan, that's another hurdle. I am very fond of bread and corn flakes and ice cream, and now having to limit those to almost zero was depressing. At the very beginning energy levels are still ok, it would really be worth planning some activities for those days off from work/school/studies, even if it just one activity a day. Worst for me was feeling I am trapped at home and there is no place to go. My horse and precious friends (thank you K, you know who you are!) kept me going, no matter how pale, tired, puffy and edematous I looked. I did feel at times that I couldn't go out at all looking like this, but I did.
Food cravings are another challenge! Carbs, carbs and more carbs! I succumbed twice and had spaghetti and garlic bread. Piece of chocolate on another occasion. I managed to find wheat free, salt free rye bread in one of the local stores, and it was a real treat!
When I made the effort to cook- stuffed peppers filled with onion, minced meat, garlic and mint and spices, I felt pretty much human again. Waiting for the real serious hypothyroidism to hit, and then begin to plan what and how to cook is just not always possible. The amount of energy that's spent in thinking and planning is just too much some days, and the easiest option then is reach for corn flakes and milk, or not eat at all. Both aren't good and we all know it- when I had spaghetti and garlic bread, I was just hungry and could not think about anything but food, preferably pasta, something very salty and tasty. I got all that- and felt no guilt either, not then, not today.
The diet is not 100% iodine free, but I guess as close as 100% as possible. It does not say "Thou shall not eat anything that contains iodine". It is a low iodine diet that sucks if you're on it long term and do not like the foods that you CAN eat. 2-3 weeks is pretty long term to me - of course nothing compared to diabetic, wheat free, renal etc diet. I'm just saying that maybe possibly one could cope without Synthroid, but with an added pain in the butt=diet it becomes much worse. Feels like there is no enjoyment left in life. Internet is full of low-iodine recipes, but if you've got no strength to get up and cook, then it is hard. If you plan ahead, prepare lunch, dinner and freeze them, then you are much better off I would say.

This is not the time to make long-term plans or financial decisions either.
Not the time to embark on major weight loss program, start training for marathon, even though some people may have done it.
There are days when "brain fog" just does not appear to clear. Can't read, can't write, type, remember what was discussed just moments ago. Your mood might be difficult to control- mine certainly was. Just feeling wrecked inside and outside, does not leave much empathy toward people, who carry on as normal, not having to worry about anything in the world.

Each of us have our own challenges to overcome, and preparing for thyroid scan is pretty simple and straightforward. Compare it with bone marrow transplant, major operation,recovery from burns, major financial loss, damage to property, violence, war,death of loved one, loss of limb or car crash. There is always something worse, but these just aren't on the top of the agenda when you can't get upstairs without getting short of breath. Each day is a step towards the goal, which is the scan, and then fingers crossed that it all goes well. "Be positive, think happy pink fluffy thoughts" and it will all be ok.
As long as it's done, not postponed when you've reached this far and then coping with the outcome whatever it is becomes just tiny bit easier to handle.
My mind, the state it is in right now, can't handle much more information- which really is just as well, because I could and should think about What if's... What if the scan is not clear..? Blood tests have already shown something suspicious in tumor markers in my case, so I really need a clean and clear scan. Let this be the last scan too. Pliiiizzzz?

There is something called Thyrogen, recombinant TSH, which has been used in preparation for thyroid scan, but our hospital does not have protocol for it in nuclear medicine. What century are we in? Can we not get it for our patients and make their lives easier? I've read about Thyrogen, but it is difficult to recall what I have read right now.. Brain fog. My aunt, who had chemo for breast cancer, always talked about "chemo brain". Brain fog should keep me and my co-workers entertained, when I return to work soon.

I cried last week, once, when there was something I needed to do- sign a paper, unbelievable. Simple stuff in normal circumstances, but not right then. Husband drove me to the office, I threw up in the car once on our way and once on our way back. I got into an argument at the "office" about signing the document, feeling nauseous and feeling like I could have thrown up on that idiot who was grinning behind the desk- no doubt feeling protected there. Since there was no way of attacking them physically (as if I would do that normally..), verbal abuse was the way to go. They wanted me to sign the document was well and a FINGERPRINT!!!!! Yo man, I must have not heard you correctly, but yes, there is was, ink pad right in front me. Ink effing pad! Fingerprint! All women must give their fingerprint. That was in Jurassic Era, mate. I asked that grinning idiot, whether he thinks I'm unable to read or write. Grin as response, nothing else and gesture towards the ink pad. Ok, they won, they got my fingerprint, perhaps not the one they initially wanted: my Middle Finger. Yay baby. On the way back home I cried and husband could say nothing to make me feel better.
I have since recovered, but this goes to show moods are very volatile during hypothyroid phase.

Part 2 will follow- perhaps it will make more sense then.
At least I will have scan results by then.
By then brain fog will have been lifted too, and I can see Myself in the mirror again, not some puffy Cookie monster.
Part 2 will hopefully contain something more positive- such as what did I learn from all this. If anything.

Happy 2012