June 08, 2013

Fear is a phobia

In my my worst nightmares I see and experience disease related things I would never want to encounter.
Then I wake up and realize this is real life.
Zero Hour.
I am realizing that there are things I never ever want to do, never, if I had an option. Such as having anything painful, humilating and/or embarrassing done to me. I don't want to have tattoo, bone marrow aspiration, endometrial biopsy. Theses are just some examples. I am not fond of blood tests, finding out that I have cancer, or that I have to pay extra taxes. I'd not want anything awful to happen to my family, friends, animals, other people, whether they are known to me or not.  I hate injustice, violence, animal cruelty. 
Light bulb moment (or a-ha moment as Oprah calls it)- I know for sure that I am myself, no one else and I am responsible of my life. I am beginning to realize that I am stronger than I have ever been. I may never be offered Nobel prize, but I am still someone important. I've been looking for lost kindness toward myself, and feel I have now found it.
I have freedom of choice. Going to dentist may not be something I like. Something I find utterly awful, but I've still got to do it. Two years from previous dentist visit, and I have almost forgotten what the last visit felt like. Going to oncologist's appointment feels essential, but it is with great reluctance I step into the clinic. Prospect of another radioactive iodine treatment? Right now I'd say no, never again. Ask me another day, I may say yes.
There are so many factors to consider. 
Sometimes there is an option say No. If no is not an option, then there are factors that may make experience almost pleasant and make it something that can easily be forgotten. Dentist visit? Take sedative. That's what I have to do. After swallowing the pill, I feel good and don't mind anything or anyone.
One down, 10 to go.

As per textbook, when it comes to cancer treatment follow-up, these visits are necessary and a must.
Well, well, well textbook. I am responsible of my own well-being and I get to make the decision. Being kind to myself vs. forcing myself go somewhere where I'd rather not go. After thinking about my options a bit I usually go. Sedated, clear-headed, whatever, but I show up. Because I know I can always say NO. Dentist appt+ sedative. Bone marrow biopsy+ iv sedation. Ob-gyn appt+ a couple of sips of brandy. PET scan+cowboy boots.
Chemo encounter+ high heels and lipstick.

Being kind means doing all this unpleasant stuff too, but in any means possible. You get to your goal, whatever methods you use is up to you. 

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