April 01, 2014

Are we there yet?

"Do you know who you are? Do you know what's happened to you? Do you want to live this way?"
- Dr. Cristina Yang in Grey's Anatomy

I spent yesterday in Valium induced dream after procedure done in hospital. Well, actually there was no procedure at all. There was supposed to be one, but I said NO. No means f...ing NO and I meant it this time. No endometrial biopsy. Do I feel sorry for those wasted efforts it took for them to get everything set up expecting the patient to be fully compliant, asking no questions, just saying Yeah ok, let's do it. I am no ordinary patient. Keep your bloody biopsy tool in its sterile package.
I was prepared though, with Valium and extra strong painkiller. No wonder the day slipped past and there is no real recollection of the appointment itself.
It's just the way I wanted it. No pain.
There is no need to remember every single detail.

What's happened to me in the past few months? I've learned what sort of person I don't want to be nor become. I know the meaning of "micromanagement" and "bullying". I know that I don't always get my way, but when I very often have to back down and give others what they want, I don't handle that very well. I have noticed several people around me are suffering both mentally and physically and now same is beginning to happen to me. Cancer is history, but there are even more difficult issues to overcome. I'm trying hard not to become angry, bitter and ... a bully.

It might just be possible to sit back and let "others" concern themselves with all these issues. It might just be enough to make the cracks appear. Let them dig their own graves and land into their own traps. It is highly frustrating that I know what I would like to do, but can't get there, because I also fell into my own trap, built by me and several others around me. Trap of two years of no real direction. Fair amount of time is spent is pointless meetings, that often end is someone walking out. I can't often think of anything to say, because it is all irrelevant anyway. Just enough if I concentrate on drawing Mickey Mouses and other weird characters in my diary. Let 'em others talk whatever they want. My contribution is not needed.

There is a lot on my plate right now and I just need to answer this one question: "Do I want to live this way?"

University studies, one man, one horse, one operation in June. One hell of a mess in the house, because I've had no time to clean. Stuff and people appearing from the past and I have to deal with it. Ok, I will get there somehow, why not use the same tactic than that "someone", who covers up by delegating everything?

No comments: