Dedicated to the thyroid gland

Dear Thyroid,

It has been more than two years since you left me.
You were misbehaving for almost 10 years, if not more, so I needed to make arrangements for your "removal". It was not easy to make you leave me, but the decision of making that happen was veryyyy easy for me. Very much so. You grew bigger, smaller, huge, large, then shrank again and I had no neck. You simply were a nuisance! Your were no longer called "thyroid", you had become an alien: goiter.
For the first time in my life I have a neck! There is just a small scar as proof that you once existed.
I do not miss you, but at times, very rarely wonder where you ended up. Probably somewhere in the trash bin- kind of a sad end, but I assure you it was the way to go.
You were part of me for many years, you'd think I miss you, but I do not.

Since you left, I have been replacing you with Synthroid, little white tablet. Hard to get the dose right, but I am surviving.
Fatigued, but surviving.

Arrivederci BA

Let that be the very last time I book any flights with British Airways.
They have just canceled my flight, and as a result all my other plans have been canceled too. Hotel bookings that cannot be canceled, are non refundable and altogether I have lost probably more than US$1000.
So it is good bye and adieu BA.

White tail and other stories

From time to time things and events from the past just surface, just like that. I guess same happens to many of us, we could be doing anything and all of a sudden something funny/painful/embarrassing/ -fill the gap- comes into mind.

Starting from yesterday.
Paradise on earth- even though it is man-made: Ritz-Carlton in Bahrain. I spent few wonderful days there, doing absolutely nothing. Well, I had massage and facial, but did not need to do anything myself. Then I had a walk along the beach, which is just so lonely. Big city around, but still it feels so tranquil and serene, it's like being on another planet. Pink beautiful flamingos bathing in a small lake (pond?).
The hotel itself is amazing. All the rooms, no matter which part of the world they face, are luxurious, but of course it is much more exciting to be facing the seaside.

When I was recovering from thyroidectomy, not particularly in pain, but nauseous, in the recovery room. Anesthetist passes by and says "Give her Metoclopramide" (= which must be one of the most well-known antiemetics AKA anti-nausea meds). Yep, good idea for some, but I am allergic to it, so advice to this healthcare professional is check patient's file and other relevant information first and don't just offer your opinion of a patient who is NOT even YOURS!
If I knew or even remembered him, I'd give him a piece of my mind.
Trust your doctor, but not blindly. I think us patients know something more about our condition than a passerby, never mind he might be an almighty anesthetist.

Cancer memories aren't always bad- without it I wouldn't have met many of the people I know today.

Once upon a time.. very very long time ago I was at home, preparing to go to work. I had sprained my wrist, but there and then decided I need a shower and unwrapped and removed the bandage. After the shower it felt fine, so I thought bandage is no longer necessary. I could always re-apply it later. Off I went to the metro station. 1/2 mile walk.
At the station, I felt uncomfortable and kind of weird, because some people were looking at me.
Finally, one lady approached me and said "Err, have you noticed that you have a tail?"
Tail? Dogs and cats have one, but surely not humans.
She was pointing at my backside. 'Something white.. like a tail.." Yes!!!!! IT was the BANDAGE. The one I had just left home, or so I thought. Sticky tape, which I had forgotten, which held the bandage in place was now stuck on my butt. Thank God for the kind lady who pointed out I had a tail. I had carried it with me for more than 1/2 a mile and no one along the way found it weird that I have a long white tail.
Well, I felt that the tail's tale had come to an end and threw it into trash bin.

RAI brain

While writing this I am enjoying a slice of blueberry cheesecake and wondering how am I going to lose few more pounds before my vacation.. I probably won't.
One day last week I ate crisps, whole bag of salty crispy tasty crisps..
Ice cream, Aero chocolate.
One day last month I realized I had been taking double dose of Synthroid, because I did not "read the label" or the small print. That was the time when I had severe insomnia, 4-5 hour of sleep at night and I was really suffering at work.
Yoga practice has dried up too- how do I get back to it? My last two yoga teachers have been excellent, motivating and inspiring bunch of people. I can't inspire and uplift myself enough right now..
RAI or radioactive iodine; how does it affect our brain? Could I blame fatigue, lack of motivation and boredom on the RAI?

Imagine

If human body was designed invincible, that no disease, misfortune, accident would strike him/her, then hospitals would be totally unnecessary. All the healthcare personnel would be instantly unemployed- that includes me!
No cancer, heart disease, depression, obesity etc.
No tablets, operations, needles!

I like the idea.

Nightmare

I am a sleep-walking zombie today.
Went to bed at 11pm last night, ended up reading horsey magazine for an hour and "slept" at midnight. Kept waking up almost every hour, and sometime in the early morning hours I had an awful nightmare: melanoma metastasized into brain. Was it me, I am not sure, but when I really woke up, feeling a bit fragile, at 11am, I had to check I have no extra scars or damage in my body. No, nothing.. Maybe I've seen enough craniotomies and such lately, and then the brain came in to my dream (nightmare)- uninvited, unwelcome.
I am off to see The Horse now, perhaps riding too if we both are in the mood.

Wear your seatbelt

Somehow men and machines don't match. Men might not have been created in riding fast cars, motorcycles, airplanes etc, at least not ALL men.. and women. While I was working in a busy trauma intensive care unit, I saw some horrific injuries. Not just broken bones, but much worse, just like in a horror movie. Wounds, bruises, missing limbs, brain contusions, spinal injuries, burns. Most of the injuries from car accidents,ignoring speed limits, not wearing seat belt. That's probably the worst part in here! Insurance may replace your car, but no one can give you your life back. Even an accident may not teach some fools anything at all.
Those speedy people should be given a horse and carriage instead. And those who are the cause of an accident, should lose their drivers license for the rest of their lives. But wear that seat belt, every time you drive, it may save your life.

No Sleep Part 2

Same old..
No sleep. I had a cup of coffee at 5pm, but this is almost six hours later and I can't sleep.
Today: movie "One Night Stand"- Wesley Snipes, Robert Downey Jr etc. Windy and cold outside. Had salad for dinner and I am definitely not feeling hungry/thirsty right now. Moved into new house last week, everything is arranged and organized, Facebook accessed several times, status updated and Farmville produce harvested.
I guess first I could do is get off line, let the computer rest and actually go to bed.

I no longer have nightmares of cancer as such. Last week I had a nightmare of a situation where "they" were attempting to insert an iv cannula into my poor quality veins and as usual, could not find one. Next step central line, and then I woke up wondering if it was just a dream. After inspecting my veins, I was convinced it was indeed a dream. Once, an anesthesia tech had to search and search for a vein, I think he got it after 4 attempts. Thanks be to God that he used Lidocaine local anesthesia to numb the skin. At that point I was so used to needles and cannulas and things that I didn't really feel anything, but if you asked me now, I'd say all sorts of sharp objects terrify me and I don't want them anywhere nearby. Can one get used to lab tests, injections, iv cannulas- all involving a sharp object..
I'm not so sure about that. But at some point everything, including my mind and body, became numb (and not just because of Lidocaine) and it's almost a viable option to leave the body until the painful procedure is over.
Weird and fascinating.

Somehow we all survive and live through all this, but have any of you developed a serious dislike of medical centers and everyone (almost) wearing a white coat?
This is what lack of sleep does to me.. Apologies.

No sleep

Insomnia= many questions+no answers

10pm: bedtime.. but maybe not just yet.
11pm: no sleep.
11.30pm: still no sleep
midnight: bedtime, feeling tired, ready to sleep, but the mind and the thoughts are ever-present.
1 am: still awake
1.30am: get out of bed, watch TV. Count sheep, dogs, parrots. No sign of sleep.
3am: noooooo
4am: what if..
5am: alarm clock: time to wake up.

Ok, I did not sleep, but tonight I will go to bed early. Drink warm milk, take sleeping tablet, something, anything.
And stop thinking, because evening is not the time for questioning, making decisions, not just before bedtime anyway. At least it is my best intention, but what happens when the real bedtime arrives?

Bullying

Bullying seems a fashionable word- and there are reasons behind the "fashion". Workplace bullying, school bullying, just to name few. Anti-bullying groups are appearing everywhere, especially in Facebook. Newspapers, websites frequently publish news of bullying. One schoolgirl recently published a list of names of the bullies, who she wanted to kill. Another school girl was being bullied and attacked by thugs at school, 20 or more people nearby and NO ONE did anything to help!
Now, more than 20 years has passed since I finished secondary school (isn't it amazing how time slips by?) but I still remember how I was bullied there by handful of boys and girls, who thought they are better than anyone else on the earth. And yes, because they thought I was a loser. Many times I have been tempted to publish their names somewhere in a very public place, but instead of doing that (not yet, at least), I thought I'd go visit my old school and talk to their students about bullying, and how it can be overcome, one day. I am still VERY tempted to publish their names... Name and shame, no boundaries, no constraints.. looking at the painful past.
TR, one of the bullies, was an unemployed fat drunk at some point.
TS, was spotted in a local pub, by one of my friends and told him off for being a bully. He had nothing to say.

Leena, Kimmo, Toni, Vesa, Harto, Mirva, bullies of my (old) life, here's to you:

I wonder if rest of the bullies have gone on and become flawless and successful in their lives. Somehow I doubt that, but come on bullies, come forward and tell me.

At school, there was bus transport just for us kids. To enter the bus, we had to form a queue, and I was ALWAYS the very last one. Journey home took about 20 minutes, but each of those minutes felt longer than an hour. I was forced to listen to threats, swear words of all kinds and shouting.
In the morning, bullies were the last ones to be collected from their part of the city, but they made some weaker kids book seats for THEM, kings and queens of the world. My friend was bullied too, but I think I got the worst of it. Inbetween classes, we spent some time outdoors. Once we managed to hide from the bullies, but next time they found us, threw snowballs at us, verbal threats and calling us names that I don't need to repeat here. In those days, if you weren't strong enough to stand up for yourself, it was all fighting a losing battle. For me, one of the contributing factors was my "odd" family name, that the clever bullies could play with. ML, one of the boys pointed out that I looked like a boy in the 3rd grade classroom photo! I regret that I can't find that photo right now, I'd have published here and sought for extra opinions. Well I can have a laugh about it now, but at the time when I was 9 years old, it was not funny.
Secondary school was bigger, but the unwanted bullies followed. They continued bullying in classroom, kicking me, whispering abuse, and once when teacher halfheartedly interfered, I sheepishly had to say "nothing was happening". This went on from 1979 to 1985, in various forms. It was mostly verbal abuse, mental game, emotional blackmail; I received couple of kicks from selected few, but thank God nothing more. Often I wondered if these people are human.
One incident is crystal clear in my mind: I was probably 13 years old, felt sick and vomited all over in school corridor! Shock horror! Everyone gathered around to witness the miracle: "that one" vomited! From then on, I was known as the One Who Vomited. Bullies used to make jokes begging me not to vomit on them. I think that's exactly what I SHOULD have done.
Bullies were left behind when I went to high school. Adios, arrivederci, auf wiedersehen.

I never met any of them again. They are probably buried up to their necks in something, screwed up. Somehow vanished off the face of the earth.
For little while I felt like an emotional cripple, unworthy and spaced out, but I've recovered. It may not feel same when you are 16 years old and going through this type of ordeal, but it is POSSIBLE to recover. It may not be possible to forget, but forgiveness is a virtue and it can be found. As for me, it is most fascinating to entertain thoughts of whereabouts of the bullies and what they have become in their lives. Most satisfactory answer would simply be a LOSER. Do they remember at some point of their lives what school did to them? Or was it the school- teachers, fellow pupils- what made them feel so angry that they had to take it out on someone else?
What I know about them is that they were gullible, insecure, non-human, deeply unhappy children- perhaps they were abused at home by their parents and siblings. I'll never know, I guess. I don't feel any compassion toward them, but it does not mean I can never forgive them. One day.

I'd not recognize them if they accidentally stepped on my foot in crowded train. Wherever they are, I know for sure, they are not living anywhere in my neighborhood. And if they read this, I can tell them know I am happy. I have a loving husband, family, nephew, friends and four gorgeous cousins back home. I have a horse, I have work and there no trace of cancer in my body! 2 years and 13 days cancer-free!