"There is a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I would be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love? And then you don't have it. What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever ... "
-Meredith Grey in Grey's Anatomy.
June 02, 2011
"Love what is ahead by loving what has come before." - Yogi Bhajan
Was it just a year ago... ? Or more..?
In a galaxy far far away.
Radiance..
It was myself and a friend of mine walking home after yoga class, along the river Thames in London. He asked me what I like in my life, I just burst into tears and replied "I like nothing in my life". He asked what would make me happy. What would make me happy indeed?
He held my hand all the way home, gave me a hug and told me to stay in touch, not to be a stranger, not to isolate myself.
This man has a big heart, he is caring, more than most others. His words were like magic, exactly what i needed to hear, right place, right time.
And this man is still somewhere there, I know this for sure.
Another one, here we go:
Not so in the distant past- I was somewhere on a mountain. Climbing up was not actually a pleasure, but the view from up there was fantastic, so rewarding. It was peaceful and quiet. I just felt good, the way I was supposed to feel when I am 100% present in myself. I was surrounded by a group of people, all on the same journey. On the way down the mountain I saw a llama, one of those Peruvian four legged animals. The llama's eyes were bright and full of wisdom. It took me a while to be able to turn my gaze away from that magnificent animal. This could have well been the highlight of the journey. Such a simple thing, but it was wonderful. Walking up and down the mountain, feeling negative and angry and even bored, physically so exhausted that uphill journey was a constant struggle. Yes, gravity did provide assistance in climbing/sliding down, but then the journey up had already wiped all that deep seated negativity and anxiousness out of my mind. I was free to enjoy the scenery.. and the Llama!
This one really and truly happened once, somewhere in the French Alps, breathtaking scenery, but it was already dark when our group finally made it to the top. Following morning beauty of this sacred site was crystal clear- there was no doubt in my mind then that I had reached one of the destinations assigned for me. There were no llamas, but I think I saw a cow!
In a galaxy far far away.
Radiance..
It was myself and a friend of mine walking home after yoga class, along the river Thames in London. He asked me what I like in my life, I just burst into tears and replied "I like nothing in my life". He asked what would make me happy. What would make me happy indeed?
He held my hand all the way home, gave me a hug and told me to stay in touch, not to be a stranger, not to isolate myself.
This man has a big heart, he is caring, more than most others. His words were like magic, exactly what i needed to hear, right place, right time.
And this man is still somewhere there, I know this for sure.
Another one, here we go:
Not so in the distant past- I was somewhere on a mountain. Climbing up was not actually a pleasure, but the view from up there was fantastic, so rewarding. It was peaceful and quiet. I just felt good, the way I was supposed to feel when I am 100% present in myself. I was surrounded by a group of people, all on the same journey. On the way down the mountain I saw a llama, one of those Peruvian four legged animals. The llama's eyes were bright and full of wisdom. It took me a while to be able to turn my gaze away from that magnificent animal. This could have well been the highlight of the journey. Such a simple thing, but it was wonderful. Walking up and down the mountain, feeling negative and angry and even bored, physically so exhausted that uphill journey was a constant struggle. Yes, gravity did provide assistance in climbing/sliding down, but then the journey up had already wiped all that deep seated negativity and anxiousness out of my mind. I was free to enjoy the scenery.. and the Llama!
This one really and truly happened once, somewhere in the French Alps, breathtaking scenery, but it was already dark when our group finally made it to the top. Following morning beauty of this sacred site was crystal clear- there was no doubt in my mind then that I had reached one of the destinations assigned for me. There were no llamas, but I think I saw a cow!
May 29, 2011
When everything (not) goes wrong...
Or at least when it appears so.. It just feels like all this crap picks one particular moment and then the floodgates open. Husband decides he needs a break. Ok, I let him have it. Riding lesson went down south, when I was not concentrating and new jodhpurs (yes, something/someone else to blame) caused me to slide all over the place on the saddle. Laptop refuses to recognize on/off button and would prefer to stay silent forever unless I leave it powered on... forever. iPhone got stuck in recovery mode- no doubt because laptop has to deal with it's own challenges, and could not and would not communicate with iPhone.
None of this is something that can't be overcome, but it may take some time. And I do have time, thanks be to God.
None of this is something that can't be overcome, but it may take some time. And I do have time, thanks be to God.
April 21, 2011
March 17, 2011
Fear of known unknown
Those dreaded check-up's are approaching fast. Speed of light.
Dentist, ob-gyn, oncologist, endocrinologist, yeah let's just line them up all and why not invite all of them into the same room too. Why not add mammogram too? The title of "scariest/most unpleasant/embarrassing/humiliating experience" must go to ob-gyn. No matter what I do, no matter how many times I go to see my ob-gyn Peter, who is one of the gentlest souls in the world, I just can't get used to the idea of what happens at his office.
My latest (and the very last, I swore, but then find myself booking another appointment again..) appointment was while ago, and I went in after few sips from cognac bottle. Yes, cheers, straight from the bottle. No wonder my handbag was so heavy. Not the best cognac in the market. Needless to say, I was drunk and don't remember much what I said to the doctor. All I need to remember was that I managed to stay on my feet, did not embarrass myself totally and even managed to pay the bill, walk out of the medical center, appear somewhat coherent and hmmmm relaxed. It was quite an ordeal; when I arrived I promptly found restroom, took a sip or two in there, walked out, sat in the waiting room. Restless feeling. Thoughts racing around in my head. Kind of unreal- I am effing drunk!
As usual, I had arrived early and now sat there sporting waxy kind of smile on my face. People were coming and going, talking, reading books and magazines. All of a sudden good old doc opened the exam room door and calls for.... not me, but the previous client! Oh-oh. With fairly respectable effort, I get up off the chair and head back to the restroom. The floor has weird angle, like I was climbing a wall. I must be traveling on stormy seas. In front of me, in the mirror was rather peculiar sight; a drunk person. Appearance pretty decent, but drunken eyes! Where am I?
By the time it was my turn, I vaguely remember shooting up from the waiting room chair, straight into the exam room, past the doctor, who probably thought his patient has no manners. I suspect he knew all along, but after the exam and paperwork etc I confessed that I had taken few sips of something stronger than water. He must have seen it all, but I could detect some sort of weird vibe in the air, unspoken words that may or may not have ended up as written words in my file: "Patient conquered her fear of me, one of the most polite, kindest and gentlest ob-gyn in the world, by ingesting fair amount of unknown alcoholic drink prior to entering my office."
Patient, that would be me, stands up and confesses that she was shit scared, and can't tolerate an existence, albeit brief, of fear.
It is very well known and accepted fact that annual or less than annual check-up's are necessary. It makes sense to me, yes, even though it is another well known fact that I am stubborn and hardheaded at times.
The year before I turned up under influence of Valium, but it didn't completely numb me and my phobia, so that is the reason why I turned into drinking.
This year... well, nothing is set in stone, but I do not see how I would suddenly find the courage to go for all these appointments without some extra encouragement. By threatening to take my restroom and meal privileges away won't do a thing- I may end up canceling the appointments, every single one of them.
Visit to dental nurse was not any better. She cleaned my teeth with some sort of ultrasound cleaner, it kind of hurt and felt unpleasant, but did not take long. Then she spotted "something" that looked like cavity. Awww nooooo. No way. I've never ever ever had cavities in my life, nor am I going to have one now. Follow up at dentist's office next week proved that it was not cavity, but it was already too late. I had developed several scenarios in my mind, all of them cavity-related and I knew I would definitely need decent dose of sedatives before I let anyone anywhere near my mouth. Mind you, or any other part of my body. I had wisdom teeth removed under general anesthesia, because I threatened to bite off the dentist's fingers.
Preparation for this year's check-up's probably will stay pretty much the same.
Does a mammogram hurt?
Dentist, ob-gyn, oncologist, endocrinologist, yeah let's just line them up all and why not invite all of them into the same room too. Why not add mammogram too? The title of "scariest/most unpleasant/embarrassing/humiliating experience" must go to ob-gyn. No matter what I do, no matter how many times I go to see my ob-gyn Peter, who is one of the gentlest souls in the world, I just can't get used to the idea of what happens at his office.
My latest (and the very last, I swore, but then find myself booking another appointment again..) appointment was while ago, and I went in after few sips from cognac bottle. Yes, cheers, straight from the bottle. No wonder my handbag was so heavy. Not the best cognac in the market. Needless to say, I was drunk and don't remember much what I said to the doctor. All I need to remember was that I managed to stay on my feet, did not embarrass myself totally and even managed to pay the bill, walk out of the medical center, appear somewhat coherent and hmmmm relaxed. It was quite an ordeal; when I arrived I promptly found restroom, took a sip or two in there, walked out, sat in the waiting room. Restless feeling. Thoughts racing around in my head. Kind of unreal- I am effing drunk!
As usual, I had arrived early and now sat there sporting waxy kind of smile on my face. People were coming and going, talking, reading books and magazines. All of a sudden good old doc opened the exam room door and calls for.... not me, but the previous client! Oh-oh. With fairly respectable effort, I get up off the chair and head back to the restroom. The floor has weird angle, like I was climbing a wall. I must be traveling on stormy seas. In front of me, in the mirror was rather peculiar sight; a drunk person. Appearance pretty decent, but drunken eyes! Where am I?
By the time it was my turn, I vaguely remember shooting up from the waiting room chair, straight into the exam room, past the doctor, who probably thought his patient has no manners. I suspect he knew all along, but after the exam and paperwork etc I confessed that I had taken few sips of something stronger than water. He must have seen it all, but I could detect some sort of weird vibe in the air, unspoken words that may or may not have ended up as written words in my file: "Patient conquered her fear of me, one of the most polite, kindest and gentlest ob-gyn in the world, by ingesting fair amount of unknown alcoholic drink prior to entering my office."
Patient, that would be me, stands up and confesses that she was shit scared, and can't tolerate an existence, albeit brief, of fear.
It is very well known and accepted fact that annual or less than annual check-up's are necessary. It makes sense to me, yes, even though it is another well known fact that I am stubborn and hardheaded at times.
The year before I turned up under influence of Valium, but it didn't completely numb me and my phobia, so that is the reason why I turned into drinking.
This year... well, nothing is set in stone, but I do not see how I would suddenly find the courage to go for all these appointments without some extra encouragement. By threatening to take my restroom and meal privileges away won't do a thing- I may end up canceling the appointments, every single one of them.
Visit to dental nurse was not any better. She cleaned my teeth with some sort of ultrasound cleaner, it kind of hurt and felt unpleasant, but did not take long. Then she spotted "something" that looked like cavity. Awww nooooo. No way. I've never ever ever had cavities in my life, nor am I going to have one now. Follow up at dentist's office next week proved that it was not cavity, but it was already too late. I had developed several scenarios in my mind, all of them cavity-related and I knew I would definitely need decent dose of sedatives before I let anyone anywhere near my mouth. Mind you, or any other part of my body. I had wisdom teeth removed under general anesthesia, because I threatened to bite off the dentist's fingers.
Preparation for this year's check-up's probably will stay pretty much the same.
Does a mammogram hurt?
February 25, 2011
February 01, 2011
January 27, 2011
Shattered
Awwww. Just when I thought things were gonna be "just fine"... Thyroid function tests are upside down, worse than ever to tell the truth. Miracle I am still alive.
Falling asleep during the day, never really feeling rested and awake. TSH levels have climbed into a new level - to celebrate the new year..? T3 and T4 levels all time low. How weird.
High cholesterol, high blood sugar and they made me drink that awfully sweet yucky glucose solution in the lab yesterday. Crap! The taste, at the very beginning wasn't that bad, but aftereffects were worse. They told me not to vomit, no to faint. I did none of the above, but felt it. Try concentrating on work then.
I am hoping, praying, all at the same time that this isn't the beginning of something much worse.
I am going out now for a walk with the horse. He has been a real treasure, very kind and gentle, perhaps sensing that I wasn't well.
Falling asleep during the day, never really feeling rested and awake. TSH levels have climbed into a new level - to celebrate the new year..? T3 and T4 levels all time low. How weird.
High cholesterol, high blood sugar and they made me drink that awfully sweet yucky glucose solution in the lab yesterday. Crap! The taste, at the very beginning wasn't that bad, but aftereffects were worse. They told me not to vomit, no to faint. I did none of the above, but felt it. Try concentrating on work then.
I am hoping, praying, all at the same time that this isn't the beginning of something much worse.
I am going out now for a walk with the horse. He has been a real treasure, very kind and gentle, perhaps sensing that I wasn't well.
January 20, 2011
Back to endocrine world
Follow-up appointment next week- unusual for me as I decided at one point that I'd not let anyone interfere in my cancer free life. Well, things have changed. Perhaps the new year has awoken my more mature side? Or I just became desperate for attention?
Whatever the reason, I am going and get into the bottom of hypoglycemia, fatigue and few other symptoms I've been having recently. Husband got slightly upset when I hinted I may have diabetes. If he got upset, how on earth am I going to react to the news myself, that is if this truly is diabetes. If not, well, that's going to be moment of huge relief and I'll most likely burst into tears.. or uncontrollable laughter. And well, if it is, I'll probably do exactly the same.
They say losing weight may "cure" type 2 diabetes? Then that may well be one of my best treatment options- with or without diabetes.
As for thyroid ca, I hope it stays in the distant past.
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