How to survive when you love someone Part 1

I am no way an expert in this, I am not therapist, educator, analyst (well yes I am an analyst in my daily work..), but I have fallen in love over and over again, even though I know I should not. It keeps happening, and many times I don't even recognize "love", before I (we) are already there and it gets harder and harder to hide those feelings. Great if it is mutual, but.. if not.. then it's just like those countless times before.

It's just that that person makes you feel fantastic. When you look into their eyes, everything else is forgotten and you come alive. Life feels worth living, even more than it did before. You look great, there is a spark in your eye and smile on your face. Thinking about him/her makes you happy. Thinking that next step is to tell him/her that you like them, that you would like to kiss them. That's the question and if that border is crossed, yeah then what? What if the feeling is not mutual? You suffer a heartbreak? 
There are times when I've not acted on it, because it has often destroyed everything and I have learned my lesson. At least friendship and trust that once was there. I wish there was straightforward answer to this, but if there is, I've not found it. 
In my case, when I was about to say the words "I like you, I love you", something told me to keep my mouth shut and walk away. So I did not say it and potentially saved myself from embarrassment and rejection. Feeling of emptiness was all that was left. It sure does not feel like you've survived, but it's a start.


"But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep"

Passenger: "Let Her Go

Sorry, we couldn’t complete your purchase. Please try again later.

Fuck Microsoft and their bloody shit service. I have tried to renew Office 365 several times now, but each time card payment is rejected/server decides to take a break/page disappears from sight/country changes from UK to Saudi Arabia and finally Azerbaijan. What a joke.

Sorry, something went wrong.

"Something went wrong and we can't sign you in right now. Please try again later" - that is the response I got when I tried to "sign in" the customer support page.

"Sign in with your Microsoft account to get the right help, right away. Sign in for personalized.."

Why does Microsoft not want my money? All I wanted is a yearly subscription.

Microsoft is committed to helping protect your privacy. For more info, see our privacy notice. Privacy is top priority. The very top so that customer can't complete their purchase. 

What are my options now? Any computer savvy person could probably enlighten me? Please?

Happy New Year

May this year bring all of us happiness, health, success and of course, may all your wishes come true. End of Jan 1 is approaching fast and what were those New Year's resolutions again..?? There were all the good intentions to make some, but I forgot. No drastic resolutions anyway- just stay happy and keep up.

Insomnia

Almost at the very end of 2013. New Year just around the corner.
I wish 2014 will bring something good to all of us. Health, happiness, success, new job if that is what you seek. Meet that special person. Travel. Say one kind word to everyone you meet.

Ask me about the plan and New Year's resolutions now and I can't answer. My eyes don't stay open and I am drifting into the dream world. That world where each and every dream comes true. That world, where I get to kiss the man in my dreams, live in a mansion and have no more financial worries. No depression. Something nice and rewarding to do at work. Be relaxed and happy. That special man on my side.
Some of this could exist in the real world too. I just need to start from somewhere.

I've not slept well for the last two weeks. Max. 6 hours a night. Barely making it out of the bed at 5.15am, that is if I do not reach for snooze button. Shower. I wish I could stay there forever under the stream of hot water. 

Fingers crossed sleep will come tonight. Tomorrow is the 31st, and I will probably spend that night in bed too, dreaming of that special man, New Year's resolutions, singing along Avicii's song "Hey brother". Good night from my part of the world.

It's him again..

As soon as I thought I got it all planned, all ready, all good and right decisions made, HE shows up again. My plans go down the drain, because I let them, and because my ability to think slows down and becomes non-existent. No one should have that kind of power over me. I'll start again.

Wednesday night fever

Fever, sore throat, cough (productive one... yuck) and runny nose have kept me home and forced me to slow down, temporarily. Given me time to think.
I should have started taking antibiotics on the day when cold symptoms started.
My horse has broken tooth. How did that happen?
Maybe I should not have taken flu vaccine at all? 
Am I too old to go back to university and study something I really want to study?
Am the one leading my life, or is someone/something else leading?
I am thankful for neighbor's orange cat, who comes and visit, cheers me up. Especially when I am sick.
My horse is 20 years old. I was 20 something, when she was born.
Random thoughts.
Next book I'd like to read is "None braver" by Michael Hirsh.
Next country I'd like to visit is Iceland. For the 2nd time.
That guy next door, I really like him.
I could eat waffles, pancakes and rice crispies all day long. All carbs, yes.

 
 

What's up Whatsapp?

Avoiding nasty comments and insults aimed at you is almost an impossibility in this life. I got a taste of that yesterday. Not the first time, of course not, but last night's lengthy exchange of words got too far. Without social media this would probably not have happened. Without being intoxicated this would not have happened. Had I switched off the cellphone, this would not gone so far.
Discussion about horse feed. Discussion that turned sour. These are the "juiciest" bits, copied and pasted from Whats App:

"You not going to buy feed from me" (this was meant as question, I presume)
I responded by saying I am not going to change my horse's feed right now. She does not need anything extra.
"Well she is eating rabish now" (rubbish? radish?)
" I'm really disappointed with how you treat your horse" (Excuse me??!!)
" She wasn't in local feed until you put her there" (I "put" the horse on local feed..? "Local food is good enough, or else the stable would not offer it to owners)
"And problems happened" (Do problems "happen"? Do they not "occur"..? Wrong verb, loser!)
"Treat your horse don't be cheap" (Cheap..????? Who's cheap here? I treat my horse at times better than anyone else in my life)
"This for only owners who love treating their horses. Cheap owners don't" (I am not denying the fact that the food YOU sell is not of quality food, but is this the only way to "treat" my horse?
"Ummm maybe that exactly what you need.  Change feed and problems gone." (What problems? My horse was lame earlier this year. Equine vet, who saw the x-rays of the horse's feet, said there are signs of chronic laminitis, but that the horse could be ridden. Shoeing regimen should not be changed right now. Right front foot is little worse that left, but if the horse walks/trots without being lame, she can be ridden)

Me: "Were you drunk yesterday evening when you were texting me?"
- "Yes very drunk"

So it went, and I know it was the drink speaking, but at the same time I wondered if this person is/was a genuine friend at all. Genuine friends do  not do this. 
Horse's workload is pretty light. One 1/2 hour lesson a week and otherwise just hacking out. Once in a blue moon horse and another rider take part in dressage show. No jumping, no cross country. 

Bitter memories remain from that conversation. I am confident of my ability to do what is best for my horse and I don't take this sort of abuse lightly. Someone needs to apologize, and I need to forgive. I don't know how I am going to do that, but somehow I've got to find the way. Trust is gone, that is for sure, and as it says in the article below:

Our words leave the most lasting impression

http://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2013/10/words-leave-lasting-impression.html
 

Farm

Another reason to be grateful

Waiting for someone, who never came. Waiting for something to happen, that never did. It's so hard when there is someone or something that we so desperately want and it is all in vain.
Then I read the blog http://www2.mdanderson.org/cancerwise/2013/11/aml-survivor-my-road-to-recovery.html (link also below) where Erika Evans writes about her experience and recovery from leukemia. She says she used to look out of the window and wishing she could trade places with another person outside.

Oh. I feel bad now. Real bad. My patience really needs to stretch a bit further and if I could just remember there may be someone who would trade places with me, no matter how miserable my life feels right now. 
I'm saying nothing about my day last week, when I accidentally broke my alarm clock in the morning. Later on that day I discovered that I could not switch on my Nokia cellphone- on/off button was stuck! It still is. Printer was malfunctioning too, but what is this really compared to spending days in hospital being unable to eat, bathe, get out of the bed at all.

AML survivor: My road to recovery

AML survivor: My road to recovery