February 09, 2015
February 07, 2015
Drifting along
Too many choices in life- does it become overwhelming?
Too many uncertainties- same question?
Wouldn't a simple life, without having to make decisions, ask questions and choose between this and that, be better? What is the point of questioning, because there aren't always answers around. Wouldn't it be ideal that you can just pull all the right answers out of the pocket, pick the most appropriate one and it would always be the answer you wanted. Things would work out the way you wanted. No exceptions.
Questions such as these would be answered: What is the meaning of life? Are there aliens in another planet? Why am I tired today? Why can't I lose weight? Hmmmm. Let me consult my magic cards, and I will have an answer ready in a flash. Keep them questions coming: What is love? Is Elvis Presley alive? Can I one day become famous? Why do people commit crimes? Why do phobias exist? Why do I fall in love with wrong men all the time? What caused dinosaurs to become instinct?
Why not just settle for a mediocre life? Just so that things are bearable, nothing in excess. Food, clothes, occasional movie ticket and dinner outside. Cable TV. Work, car. Same old daily schedule. Drift along. No questions, no answers. Time passes, as it always does.
Eat-sleep-work, and repeat. Don't crave and obsess about stuff you don't have and cannot possibly get. Don't even worry yourself about promotion at work. Don't think about that guy/girl, who you wanted to date, but couldn't, because he/she was already taken. There are no more doubts, no second-guessing, no wasted time. Pretty unpredictable, but safe and pretty bearable.
Might work for me. I get so preoccupied by certain stuff I know I will never get. Obsessed about that stuff. Not good, because then it consumes all of my time- good example was cancer, which I researched and studied for hours on end and never got the answers, so I had to carry on. In the end cancer journey lead me to Riyadh and Houston, but those hours that went into it, were so necessary. So I think mediocrity would not have been the right answer there, but at some other times being "average" is pretty much ok. Just let it go for a while, live your life, don't go looking for new challenges. Stagnate for a while. Live a life, and don't wait for magic answers to appear from nowhere. I keep walking, because that is the easiest way to shut the mind off for at least an hour and give my brain a break.
Then I can also practice stillness and keeping unwanted and unnecessary thoughts at bay. Forget.
Too many uncertainties- same question?
Wouldn't a simple life, without having to make decisions, ask questions and choose between this and that, be better? What is the point of questioning, because there aren't always answers around. Wouldn't it be ideal that you can just pull all the right answers out of the pocket, pick the most appropriate one and it would always be the answer you wanted. Things would work out the way you wanted. No exceptions.
Questions such as these would be answered: What is the meaning of life? Are there aliens in another planet? Why am I tired today? Why can't I lose weight? Hmmmm. Let me consult my magic cards, and I will have an answer ready in a flash. Keep them questions coming: What is love? Is Elvis Presley alive? Can I one day become famous? Why do people commit crimes? Why do phobias exist? Why do I fall in love with wrong men all the time? What caused dinosaurs to become instinct?
Why not just settle for a mediocre life? Just so that things are bearable, nothing in excess. Food, clothes, occasional movie ticket and dinner outside. Cable TV. Work, car. Same old daily schedule. Drift along. No questions, no answers. Time passes, as it always does.
Eat-sleep-work, and repeat. Don't crave and obsess about stuff you don't have and cannot possibly get. Don't even worry yourself about promotion at work. Don't think about that guy/girl, who you wanted to date, but couldn't, because he/she was already taken. There are no more doubts, no second-guessing, no wasted time. Pretty unpredictable, but safe and pretty bearable.
Might work for me. I get so preoccupied by certain stuff I know I will never get. Obsessed about that stuff. Not good, because then it consumes all of my time- good example was cancer, which I researched and studied for hours on end and never got the answers, so I had to carry on. In the end cancer journey lead me to Riyadh and Houston, but those hours that went into it, were so necessary. So I think mediocrity would not have been the right answer there, but at some other times being "average" is pretty much ok. Just let it go for a while, live your life, don't go looking for new challenges. Stagnate for a while. Live a life, and don't wait for magic answers to appear from nowhere. I keep walking, because that is the easiest way to shut the mind off for at least an hour and give my brain a break.
Then I can also practice stillness and keeping unwanted and unnecessary thoughts at bay. Forget.
On the saddle again
Some lessons are good, I get the horse to walk and trot nice and collected, round, bouncy, then at other times the horse senses I am not really there, not 100% present. That's when she does her own thing- or things: cuts across the arena, lifts her head up in the sky, evades the bit, speeds up in trot and canter, leaves the arena, jogs, moves sideways, pulls the reins and they slide between my fingers. When I take her out of the arena and ride in the great outdoors, she goes well as long as we are not heading home. Once home (=food) is in sight, she changes gears and attempts to run. I end up asking her to turn into a circle, again and again, until she stops jogging on the spot. It usually works, but these days I tend to ask one of my more skilled rider friends to take her out and I ride another friend's horse. Defeat? I don't think so.
It's just not worth having a battle, which we both don't enjoy. My friend's horse in the other hand is perfect for anything.
I still love my little horse, and when I am riding her in a lesson, things usually go well and I can make an effort to correct what I am doing wrong. It's me, of course, doing things wrong, pulling the wrong rein, leaving reins loose, doing somethings else that I should not be doing.
Lunge lessons come in handy. Back to basics. Back to lessons. As long as I show up and ride, I will get there. During Christmas break I rode almost every day, mostly on the Western saddle and did really well. Days like those built my confidence and made me feel a lot better about myself and my riding skills. I also learned that I should not ride when I am tired, absent-minded or otherwise in another world.
Trust and balance building exercises coming up next. It's never too late even after 20+ years of riding to start from the scratch.
January 31, 2015
January 23, 2015
Near misses
I needed to buy groceries yesterday evening and return books to the library and thought quick drive is all it takes to get to the supermarket and back. I got to the market without any kind of accident or incident, miracle really since there was a lot of traffic and people all over the place.
Return journey was a different journey. Two very close calls, when a dark grey Ford Flex (yes one of those box-like horrible structures that looks like on old Toyota Hi-Ace) pulled in front of me in the middle of the intersection even though it was my turn to go. Those couple of inches between us were probably enough to save us from an accident that time. Thanks be to God none of us were driving fast, but once the Ford driver (=idiot) cleared the intersection, he (I'm sure it is a "he") carried on driving way faster than the 40km/h speed limit. I finally caught him turning into a parking lot and really had to force myself to drive home and not go and beat him up.
Then the next set of red lights and turning left down the hill another car on the left hand side of the lanes heading downhill began to drift closer and closer to my lane. BS!!! *$%#@&!!!! When the driver realized they narrowly avoided a crash and taking my side mirror with them, they pulled back into their own lane and I finally caught them in the traffic lights. It was a gold colored car, possibly Japanese and looked a lot like a car that these people had stolen from their daddy. Had it not been the red lights, and open car windows, I'd not have know the car was full of young women in their early 20's if not less. I just thought they'd be lucky if they survive the night on the road. Death wish? What tragedy if the four of them died on the road just because the driver thinks it's all fun and games on the road.
Shame. I'm not sure women in Saudi Arabia will ever get to drive, but I hope they will, if they choose to do so. But those young ladies should be banned from driving ever.
Return journey was a different journey. Two very close calls, when a dark grey Ford Flex (yes one of those box-like horrible structures that looks like on old Toyota Hi-Ace) pulled in front of me in the middle of the intersection even though it was my turn to go. Those couple of inches between us were probably enough to save us from an accident that time. Thanks be to God none of us were driving fast, but once the Ford driver (=idiot) cleared the intersection, he (I'm sure it is a "he") carried on driving way faster than the 40km/h speed limit. I finally caught him turning into a parking lot and really had to force myself to drive home and not go and beat him up.
Then the next set of red lights and turning left down the hill another car on the left hand side of the lanes heading downhill began to drift closer and closer to my lane. BS!!! *$%#@&!!!! When the driver realized they narrowly avoided a crash and taking my side mirror with them, they pulled back into their own lane and I finally caught them in the traffic lights. It was a gold colored car, possibly Japanese and looked a lot like a car that these people had stolen from their daddy. Had it not been the red lights, and open car windows, I'd not have know the car was full of young women in their early 20's if not less. I just thought they'd be lucky if they survive the night on the road. Death wish? What tragedy if the four of them died on the road just because the driver thinks it's all fun and games on the road.
Shame. I'm not sure women in Saudi Arabia will ever get to drive, but I hope they will, if they choose to do so. But those young ladies should be banned from driving ever.
January 10, 2015
The End of an Era
Change is inevitable. My favorite restaurant is closing and another one will be built. My job description at work seems to be evolving all the time. People come and go, pack their stuff and leave. Construction work is taking place nearby where I live and again the flow of traffic has changed. In fact there is no flow really at all. If there is, it is slow (yes, there is a speed limit of 40) and that usual daily journey from A to B takes 10 minutes instead of 3. In the big scheme of things 10 minutes is nothing really.Absolutely nothing when you compare to for example what events just took place in Paris. But certainlyit is inevitable that nothing stays the same forever.
" Everything you have, you lose, right? Mother, father - gone. Good looks, Pryzwarra? - gone. Loved ones gone in a second. That's what this job teaches you, isn't it? No matter what, no matter how hard you grab onto something - you still lose it, right."
Doug Carlin in the movie Déjà vu.
" Everything you have, you lose, right? Mother, father - gone. Good looks, Pryzwarra? - gone. Loved ones gone in a second. That's what this job teaches you, isn't it? No matter what, no matter how hard you grab onto something - you still lose it, right."
Doug Carlin in the movie Déjà vu.
Then it is my turn to think about future and packing my earthly belongings again one day. But I don't want to! This is my home and I don't want to go. It feels as if it is the end of the world. How could I possibly leave my horse, my special friend, my belongings (those that I can't pack with me) and the last eight years of my life? I have spent more than 10 years in Saudi Arabia and this has been one of the greatest experiences in my life. I wish I could have sort of realized that a bit sooner, not after > 10 years here, but I guess it's better late than never.
I've got to lay down.. Despite of flu vaccine, I seem to have caught runny nose and sore throat from somewhere. Thank God I have no fever. Well.. I may have had low grade fever yesterday, but nothing today. Just very fatigued. If it's just a common cold that's ok. Anything worse, that's not ok. If I went to ER complaining of these symptoms, I'd probably end up in isolation room.
"Please let me take you
Out of the darkness and into the light
'Cause I have faith in you
That you're gonna make it through another night
Stop thinking about the easy way out
There's no need to go and blow the candle out
Because you're not done, you're far too young
And the best is yet to come."
Out of the darkness and into the light
'Cause I have faith in you
That you're gonna make it through another night
Stop thinking about the easy way out
There's no need to go and blow the candle out
Because you're not done, you're far too young
And the best is yet to come."
- Nickelback: Lullaby
January 03, 2015
2015
Happy Year Year! Blogger was deep asleep and welcomed the new year in bed. I heard nothing, saw no fireworks. Just one dream, which still feels so real and not in a bad way at all. It brought clarity and direction in my life. It was an old boyfriend, who told me to forget about him: "I am not your boyfriend." When I woke up, it was kind of difficult to distinguish dream from reality, but I got the message. He has his life and I have mine. We went separate ways many years ago, but it has taken me this long to stop thinking about him. Eventually he invited himself into my dream and I really and truly got it now.
Other than that revelation, I've had tendonitis or some other weird condition in my wrist and it's even keeping me awake at night. I am hoping orthopedist, whom I'll see next week will be able to help. Otherwise Brufen, the splint and bandages of various colors and lengths will be a permanent part of me. I guess typing isn't good for the wrist either...
"Extreme ways are back again
Extreme places I didn't know
I broke everything new again
Everything that I'd owned
I threw it out the window; came along
Extreme ways I know will part the colors of my sea
the perfect colored sea."
Moby- Extreme Ways
PS: I've not broken anything this year. Yet.
Other than that revelation, I've had tendonitis or some other weird condition in my wrist and it's even keeping me awake at night. I am hoping orthopedist, whom I'll see next week will be able to help. Otherwise Brufen, the splint and bandages of various colors and lengths will be a permanent part of me. I guess typing isn't good for the wrist either...
"Extreme ways are back again
Extreme places I didn't know
I broke everything new again
Everything that I'd owned
I threw it out the window; came along
Extreme ways I know will part the colors of my sea
the perfect colored sea."
Moby- Extreme Ways
PS: I've not broken anything this year. Yet.
December 27, 2014
Keep ur hands off my stuff
One day at work I had a peek in to the recycling bin and surprise, surprise discovered my glass. First I thought it must have broken, that's why it was in there. But no, it was as intact as it ever had been and I knew someone (always that SOMEONE) had placed it in the bottom of the bin. My drinking glass, the only one I had left. There were three similar glasses, same design, but two of them had broken long time ago. So it's just "a glass", but it's mine and it may have sentimental value. So don't touch my stuff, simply don't. Yeah, tell me about it. Someone must have panicked for whatever reason and poor glass (my bloody glass!) somehow landed in the recycling. It is a mystery. Kind of.
I could share numerous stories about disappearing milk etc too, but it would be kind of boring. That refrigerator in the office kitchen would have more stories to tell for sure.
Just don't throw my property into recycling guys. Please.
I could share numerous stories about disappearing milk etc too, but it would be kind of boring. That refrigerator in the office kitchen would have more stories to tell for sure.
Just don't throw my property into recycling guys. Please.
December 26, 2014
Few more days
2014 has almost gone, another year gone and I am left wondering how days and weeks pass by like this. Question is have I really lived and been aware of each passing moment? Kundalini Yoga and meditation used to return me back on the ground, make me more self-aware and live in the moment. I can't say that I've been 100% fully aware of the days and weeks of 2014. Some days are more intense and require 100% presence. Some are not. My horse has taught me to be present. If my thoughts and mind drift away while I am riding, the horse knows this right away and uses this to her advantage. I thought I am riding a 20m circle, but it turns out to be a 10m oval shaped circle. Then I wonder what the hell happened. Oh yeah. I was once again in another time and space continuum.
One of my favorite restaurants, where I used to go for dates with this guy, is closing soon. Well, perhaps not so soon, but my mind has convinced me it could be any time soon. Next week. In reality it will probably close sometime mid 2015. It's a real shame, because this restaurant has been around for many years and has served some real delicious dinners there, along with some good memories of that awesome guy. Time is an illusion they say, and it seems as if I was just having dinner with him yesterday when in fact it was few years ago now.
Change is inevitable, no matter how hard I resist. When I was having breakfast this morning, I thought it's best to just let go and let God deal with this.
2015 brings new opportunities again. Each breath, each day is precious.
One of my favorite restaurants, where I used to go for dates with this guy, is closing soon. Well, perhaps not so soon, but my mind has convinced me it could be any time soon. Next week. In reality it will probably close sometime mid 2015. It's a real shame, because this restaurant has been around for many years and has served some real delicious dinners there, along with some good memories of that awesome guy. Time is an illusion they say, and it seems as if I was just having dinner with him yesterday when in fact it was few years ago now.
Change is inevitable, no matter how hard I resist. When I was having breakfast this morning, I thought it's best to just let go and let God deal with this.
2015 brings new opportunities again. Each breath, each day is precious.
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