November 14, 2015
November 12, 2015
Bullying is for forever
Isn't it ironic that I chose to write about bullying in one of the university essays, and now bullying is an every day occurrence in my life in one form or another.
Maybe I'm the type of a person, who attracts bullies? This is not the first time, but now I am totally at a loss and can't think of what to do next.
I'm definitely not depressed about this, not yet. I started going to gym, because long periods of sitting in front of the computer made my back hurt. I still go horseback riding and enjoy lots of things in my life, but my feeling is that the end is near. Not an end as such, but maybe a move to another place, another country is an option. Just because it's an option and just because I can do it if I want to. Just because I want to escape the bully that is making my life hell right now.
All I can say is I have to keep my options open, including the fact that I could well be staying here for little longer.
Maybe I'm the type of a person, who attracts bullies? This is not the first time, but now I am totally at a loss and can't think of what to do next.
I'm definitely not depressed about this, not yet. I started going to gym, because long periods of sitting in front of the computer made my back hurt. I still go horseback riding and enjoy lots of things in my life, but my feeling is that the end is near. Not an end as such, but maybe a move to another place, another country is an option. Just because it's an option and just because I can do it if I want to. Just because I want to escape the bully that is making my life hell right now.
All I can say is I have to keep my options open, including the fact that I could well be staying here for little longer.
November 10, 2015
October 27, 2015
Broken heart...?
Last week I felt a strange heavy feeling in my chest. I chose to ignore it and hoped it would go away. Then I went to work as normal, did my normal stuff and then the pain was back. I thought I was hungry, so ate a bit, but the pain got no better or worse. Few hours later the pain gets intolerable and I am forced to go to Emergency.
After blood tests, EKG, painkillers and several hours of monitoring, cardiologist walks in and tells me I need to be admitted overnight for more observation. At that time I wasn't in pain, but because my friend was standing next to me I said okay.. reluctantly.
Everything was normal, but the intensity of the pain really scared me, so it was probably best to spend the night in hospital. More blood tests and serial EKG's followed, bad hospital food and a CT Angio next morning.
The verdict: acid reflux disease and hiatal hernia.
I kind of know about the former, but a hiatal hernia is something totally different. CT angio did not show everything clearly, because there were motion artefacts (me..? Was I moving? Surely not?), but it appears it's not the heart to blame this time.
I'll be doing my homework now and read about the hernia, because I really don't know much about it and more importantly, can it be fixed?
And yes, I know the EKG shows a 1st degree heart block and bradycardia.
After blood tests, EKG, painkillers and several hours of monitoring, cardiologist walks in and tells me I need to be admitted overnight for more observation. At that time I wasn't in pain, but because my friend was standing next to me I said okay.. reluctantly.
The verdict: acid reflux disease and hiatal hernia.
I kind of know about the former, but a hiatal hernia is something totally different. CT angio did not show everything clearly, because there were motion artefacts (me..? Was I moving? Surely not?), but it appears it's not the heart to blame this time.
I'll be doing my homework now and read about the hernia, because I really don't know much about it and more importantly, can it be fixed?
And yes, I know the EKG shows a 1st degree heart block and bradycardia.
October 22, 2015
Dreams
Strange dream: Shopping mall somewhere in France. There were curious looking posters, which turned out be written in Polish. All of a sudden a dark figure emerges from behind the poster and points a gun at me. I try to escape, but don't get far before the attacker shoots and the bullet hit me in the back... and exits in the front just below the left collarbone. And then.. that was it.
Some would call it a nightmare.
I have to refer to my Dream Interpretation book, which says that I could be interacting with people, who don't have my best interests in mind and that I experience conflicts in my daily life.
Well, damn right, conflicts in some form or another. Daily, weekly. I've learned to live with some of them sometimes with more success, sometimes less.
Another thing: this has also been a week of insults. One of my colleagues are share the sentiment. If it's not an insult aimed at the way you look (Oh man, you look terrible!), it's an indirect insult (For Pete's sake, what are you eating..?? = that's why you look the way you do).
What happened to diversity, acceptance, tolerance? Let everyone live the way they choose.
Besides, people can change. The person, who looked terrible and fat just yesterday, could well be looking awesome tomorrow and you get to eat your words.
Some would call it a nightmare.
I have to refer to my Dream Interpretation book, which says that I could be interacting with people, who don't have my best interests in mind and that I experience conflicts in my daily life.
Well, damn right, conflicts in some form or another. Daily, weekly. I've learned to live with some of them sometimes with more success, sometimes less.
Another thing: this has also been a week of insults. One of my colleagues are share the sentiment. If it's not an insult aimed at the way you look (Oh man, you look terrible!), it's an indirect insult (For Pete's sake, what are you eating..?? = that's why you look the way you do).
What happened to diversity, acceptance, tolerance? Let everyone live the way they choose.
Besides, people can change. The person, who looked terrible and fat just yesterday, could well be looking awesome tomorrow and you get to eat your words.
September 19, 2015
Working hours
9 to 5. Normal, routine working hours. Report to work on time, leave on time. Be a proactive self-motivated, good team worker, sensible, smart employee, meet your goals and always strive to do your best for the Company.
Company is happy, but your boss isn't, as it's usually the case. One day you report to work at 8.30am and expect to catch-up with emails and such, knowing there shouldn't be anything urgent to deal with until 9am. But as luck would have it, The Boss walks in and says there is something urgent and if it's not dealt with, it will lead into a chaos and disaster. Something unpleasant that is. Ok, you do what is asked of you, even though it's not time to start work yet. A smart employee as we all are, we then (wrongly) assume it would be awesome to get out of work earlier than 5pm.
Ask the boss: can I go home earlier, since I started earlier? 15 minutes earlier please?
The boss' facial expression is of total disbelief (how could you even ask..!???). He says no.
You swear this is the very last time you come early.
It should really be "give and take". The Company (i.e. your Boss) robs you of your precious time, and that in my opinion is not right.
It works for some people, but for some it does not. My time is mine and it is important to me.
If The Boss carries on stealing my time (and if I, in my stupidity, continue donating my time), I will go on strike and stop doing any extra stuff for him. I can report to duty at 9am as mandated. Leave at 5pm sharp. Lunch hour is an hour, I won't leave a minute too early, neither will I return too early.
Period.
.
Company is happy, but your boss isn't, as it's usually the case. One day you report to work at 8.30am and expect to catch-up with emails and such, knowing there shouldn't be anything urgent to deal with until 9am. But as luck would have it, The Boss walks in and says there is something urgent and if it's not dealt with, it will lead into a chaos and disaster. Something unpleasant that is. Ok, you do what is asked of you, even though it's not time to start work yet. A smart employee as we all are, we then (wrongly) assume it would be awesome to get out of work earlier than 5pm.
Ask the boss: can I go home earlier, since I started earlier? 15 minutes earlier please?
The boss' facial expression is of total disbelief (how could you even ask..!???). He says no.
You swear this is the very last time you come early.
It should really be "give and take". The Company (i.e. your Boss) robs you of your precious time, and that in my opinion is not right.
It works for some people, but for some it does not. My time is mine and it is important to me.
If The Boss carries on stealing my time (and if I, in my stupidity, continue donating my time), I will go on strike and stop doing any extra stuff for him. I can report to duty at 9am as mandated. Leave at 5pm sharp. Lunch hour is an hour, I won't leave a minute too early, neither will I return too early.
Period.
.
September 05, 2015
A bizarre event at night
Bladder prolapse and cough, not a good combination. So when I decided enough is enough, a visit to my GP resulted in chest x-ray (which was normal), a referral for pulmonary function tests and a prescription of Panacod and Atenolol for relatively high BP. Codeine apparently relieves the cough symptoms and yes, when I took one last night, I think it worked. I woke up once. Not coughing, but with a terrifying feeling of blunt constricting chest pain. I got up at once thinking I need to use the restroom, ran in there, but nothing happened. Well, I was expecting something like diarrhea that would have explained the "cramps", but now almost 12 hours later I can't be sure if they were abdominal cramps or chest pain..caused by what? Panacod? Atenolol?
Whatever the cause was, it was scary. I was about to call the ambulance, but the pain subsided and I slept.
I don't often have the time to think about what happened at night, if I am going to work or there is something else, but it's weekend and I had plenty of time to think.
I thought about it again after breakfast.
Then I watched the "12 Monkeys" movie and thought about the nightly horrors again.
Then my friend came for a visit and I had to be 100% fully present so I could not think. I didn't share the narrative of the nightly events with my friend. We had a chat and had to share the sofa with the neighbor's cat.
That heading up there may lead some people to think I had had a stranger in my bed or something. No, not quite, even though I wish it had been a stranger rather than excruciating pain.
Whatever the cause was, it was scary. I was about to call the ambulance, but the pain subsided and I slept.
I don't often have the time to think about what happened at night, if I am going to work or there is something else, but it's weekend and I had plenty of time to think.
I thought about it again after breakfast.
Then I watched the "12 Monkeys" movie and thought about the nightly horrors again.
Then my friend came for a visit and I had to be 100% fully present so I could not think. I didn't share the narrative of the nightly events with my friend. We had a chat and had to share the sofa with the neighbor's cat.
That heading up there may lead some people to think I had had a stranger in my bed or something. No, not quite, even though I wish it had been a stranger rather than excruciating pain.
September 04, 2015
Dealing with complications
September 24, 2014. I underwent hysterectomy almost a year ago and I have not regretted even for a day. Not until mid-July. I have been noticing some symptoms of a prolapsed
bladder; feeling of fullness, inability to empty my bladder, but I was not sure if it is all in my head. I went to see my gyn in May 2015 and he diagnosed
grade I-II bladder prolapse.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing, but it explained the symptoms and in a way I was relieved to know there was nothing more than that going on. Then I caught a cold and a horrible tickly cough few weeks ago. One of those coughs, that irritate your throat and you have to cough no matter where you are. Since I started coughing, I have noticed the prolapse getting worse.
My gyn warned me last time that bladder prolapse surgeries may also fail and one of the complications is urinary incontinence! That's not what any of us wants for sure, but I am not sure how long I can live with the "bulge". I am also scared of possibility of another surgery and even before the actual surgery may or may not happen, I fear that the bladder can just fall out one day.
Before the hysterectomy I thought I could still improve the uterine prolapse by pelvic floor exercise. There was some improvement, but it was minimal really. I just can't face another operation so I am willing to try anything, more pelvic floor exercises, yes bring it on. Then I read about treating the prolapse with Brufen and estrogen cream and more exercises. Self-help books are full of ideas, web pages offer more, when I run out of my own. Hospitals, operations, urodynamic studies etc freak me out... but wait a minute, who said anything about urodynamic studies...?? Isn't it one of those age old hospital routines that ALL patients with bladder prolapse are referred for these types of studies? No. Absolutely not.
The prolapse will no doubt get worse, gravity will take care of it.
I admit that it is not certain that the prolapse is a complication of the surgery, but it may well be. I signed the consent form and have to deal with the consequences.
Life.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing, but it explained the symptoms and in a way I was relieved to know there was nothing more than that going on. Then I caught a cold and a horrible tickly cough few weeks ago. One of those coughs, that irritate your throat and you have to cough no matter where you are. Since I started coughing, I have noticed the prolapse getting worse.
My gyn warned me last time that bladder prolapse surgeries may also fail and one of the complications is urinary incontinence! That's not what any of us wants for sure, but I am not sure how long I can live with the "bulge". I am also scared of possibility of another surgery and even before the actual surgery may or may not happen, I fear that the bladder can just fall out one day.
Before the hysterectomy I thought I could still improve the uterine prolapse by pelvic floor exercise. There was some improvement, but it was minimal really. I just can't face another operation so I am willing to try anything, more pelvic floor exercises, yes bring it on. Then I read about treating the prolapse with Brufen and estrogen cream and more exercises. Self-help books are full of ideas, web pages offer more, when I run out of my own. Hospitals, operations, urodynamic studies etc freak me out... but wait a minute, who said anything about urodynamic studies...?? Isn't it one of those age old hospital routines that ALL patients with bladder prolapse are referred for these types of studies? No. Absolutely not.
The prolapse will no doubt get worse, gravity will take care of it.
I admit that it is not certain that the prolapse is a complication of the surgery, but it may well be. I signed the consent form and have to deal with the consequences.
Life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)