13 years

This weekend has been truly extraordinary. I met with one of my friends, whom I have not seen since 2003. When I left from the place where I was living at the time, I wasn't planning on returning and I definitely wasn't counting on seeing my friend ever again.
I missed him a lot. I thought about him a lot, and then one day social media brought us together. On Friday he called me and said he's around and yes, we have to meet.
We had dinner, caught up with the latest stuff and talked and talked for 5 hours.
It's not often we get to do something like this, so make the most of it. I did.

When I woke up on Saturday morning, I thought it had all been a dream so I sent him a message and asked how he is doing. He's great, he enjoyed our time together.

I hope we can meet again soon.

Whatever happened to the schoolyard bullies?

I was reading a local newspaper webpage and in it there was a story about a girl, who had been bullies at school. Just because she was different. Listened to different kind of music, wore her own style of clothing and had a skin disease. It was something that couldn't be covered and when the bullies saw this, they had more ammunition in their pockets. The girl ended up attempting suicide and woke up in a psychiatric unit.
My story started almost the same way, but thankfully did not end exactly the same.
I wonder what happened to the two girls, LM and MO, and five boys, TS, TR, ML, HP and VR, who bullied me?
What became of them? Would they still remember what they did to me and would they be surprised that sometimes I feel I could get a baseball bat and give them what they deserve? Well, obviously I am far away and I wouldn't even know how to find them. Kind of, because I've been looking for them. Facebook, Twitter, Google, name it and I did finally find one of them: she works as a "salesperson" and supports some of them local teams, has 20 friends, watches mediocre TV programs and listens to all the popular local bands. There are no family photos and to me she looks like a loner, who has had one too many drinks, in a one black and white photo. Something in her face looks the same though.  She most certainly looks old, older than I do and we were classmates after all, but we have aged differently, as we all do. I would even go that far as to say I am the one who is more successful and probably sleep my nights better than her. Now, the next question is: what do I do now? Leave it? Leave it. Yes. Maybe.
I remember her green eyes, freckles on her face and that reddish hair. I remember her yelling at me, calling me by all imaginable names, throwing me and my bag at the end of the queue for the school bus. Remember those Three Little Pigs and The Big Bad Wolf? Disney characters? She thought I resembled one of those pigs. I think the tables have turned now.

Bullying continued from primary school to secondary school, but at least those dreadful bus journeys came to an end. It's only if one of the bullies was off sick or incapacitated in another way, the journeys were more peaceful. Did the bus driver have a clue what was going on? It was not just me being bullied, there were other targets too. We were just 12 years old at the time. I wonder why I didn't speak up and tell one of the teachers or my parents what was going on. I probably would have achieved more at school, had I not been so scared all the time. In all honesty, what could they have done to me? Just empty threats, verbal abuse, loud voices etc, but how can a 10-12 year old be reassured that it won't turn into a physical abuse?

In some ways the secondary school was easier, but bullying went on during classes and during breaks, if they managed to find me. One of the teachers, Lisa, asked me once during class if I was ok. Once again I could not speak up and "everything was just fine", but I couldn't, not in front of everyone. Once my friends and I were hiding from the bullies and did not go out during the break. One of the teachers found us and forced us to get out, and stay after classes to explain why we were hiding. I don't any of us spoke up. Again. We should have.

Bullying ended at the time when I started high school. I colored my hair bright red, wore black, listened to loud music and had a bad attitude. I never finished high school, but went to college instead. I got in, because I was determined to get into the program and become a nurse. I was 17 and had no clue if this was the right thing to do, but it was the best I could do.

The bullies? I don't know what became of them. No one of them are known world wide as a successful scientist, politician, president or anything else for that matter. Rumors have been circulating about one of two of the boys, who are either unemployed or been arrested. Who knows, if these rumors are true or not, but if they are, then I am glad justice has been served and I don't need to take the matters into my own hands. Well, if I saw one of them one day, I might be tempted to think of something smart to say to them. Sending a message to this green eyed monster, whom I just found this afternoon, is very very tempting right now. Would I remind her who I am, when she clearly has forgotten? Would I tell her to take a hike? What would I say that would leave a lasting impression?

"Silence can't be misquoted" said someone once. Stay silent and say nothing that can be used against you.

Forget, forgive and move on. Forgive, ok. Forget, never.

Kiev, Ukraine

St Michael's Church and Monastery

Pripyat visit

Town of Pripyat

Pripyat is a small town.. or was.

The town was populated by 50 000 people, who were all evacuated after the disaster.

On the way to Pripyat, we passed the Red Forest. That part that was visible wasn't actually red.  Radiation warning signs were on the side of the roads next to the forest.

Pripyat is a ghost town, full of dilapidated abandoned buildings. The residents were given just a few hours to pack the most important belongings and then get on the buses that had arrived  to collect them.  It was supposed to have been just a temporary exile, which is why the residents left so much behind. They never got to come back, at least to live in their own homes permanently.

The nature is reclaiming the town. Grass, flowers, apple trees are growing everywhere. There are no cars, no sounds. Just the sound of your own footsteps. It was frightening, especially in some of the buildings with dark rooms and corners. Our journey was on foot, from the Cultural center to the school, where books lay on the ground rotting, paint peeling, glass shards cover the floors and trees grow in the school center-yard. One room was full of children’s gas masks. Some books that were opened, had colorful pictures, which were very well preserved.

We could not enter the abandoned apartment buildings. I think it would have been disrespectful anyway, but I think the real reason is that the buildings could collapse on us anytime. I felt that in some of the other buildings too. The reason for sensible footwear became evident soon enough: staircases and floors were covered with pieces of concrete, shards of glass and wood. The floors, roofs and stairs will be the first ones to collapse. In some buildings they have partially already done that, but after 30 years it is amazing how well preserved some buildings are. As if those zombies have been reinforcing the structures...

One of the most interesting sights was the abandoned amusements park and the famous Ferris wheel. The park had been planned to be opened very soon..  There weren't that many rides, but the space was quite limited too. 

The amusement park was just next to the palace of culture. The giant Ferris wheel,  bumper cars and merry-go-round. The park was supposed have been opened for the May Day celebrations. I discovered that radiation levels in some parts of the park are quite high. The Geiger counter started beeping even though I had not turned it on. So I wondered what was going on and had a look. I was obviously standing close to some spot where the radiation levels were higher. I walked toward the Ferris wheel, where the levels were lower. Actually I didn't even check. It was amazing to see the Ferris wheel, and it was still standing after all these years.  There are not that many rides, just three that I could see and no wild roller-coasters or game arcades. In 1980’s I think this park would have still been considered a great park.

After the amusement park we walked on a path that led us through forest. The guide pointed at the stadium seats and pointed that we had just walked through a football field. It was totally covered in grass, trees, bushes and flowers. As if we just had been out on a walk in a forest.  

The remains of the stadium

 

Pripyat school was an interesting place to visit. One of the rooms was full of gas masks for children.

All the windows were broken, there were lots of weak spots on the floor and the staircase into the second floor was in a bad shape. You couldn’t really hold on to the railing either in case of.. what.. contamination? Or expecting the railing to just fall off and a zombie arm reaching for your arm..? It wasn’t actually easy to walk in the grass and foliage, because some tree branches and plants always brushed against your legs and you couldn’t really be sure… of what? Contamination, again? Some harmful particles? Zombies hiding in the grass?

The school chemistry classroom. Broken windows, it was basically a mess.  Same goes with the other classrooms; furniture, books etc scattered around. Kind of a weird old damp smell. Still you would expect some kids to come into the classroom any time. These were really scenes from post-apocalyptic world, but a world that has to be preserved somehow and never forgotten.

 

The school corridor. Broken windows, peeled off paint, broken glass, tiles, bricks. When it rains everything turns into a sticky mess of mud, clay and plaster. Chairs and desks remain in the classrooms. Electrical wires were dangling from light fixtures. Floors decaying, dark hallways where you don’t quite know where it is safe to step.

 We also visited the river port.

The lake looked peaceful and all around us was just silence. No wind, no animals. I don’t even remember seeing or hearing any birds. On a warm day like this you would have expected to see a lot of people on the lake, but there was no sound. No weird smells, no wind, no sun either. It was difficult to believe this scene had been here for 30 years and nothing much had changed, except all the manmade structures, which were badly deteriorated. In the distance there is dark red/brownish structure, which used to be a building, but is now sinking into the water.  I’m not quite clear what it really is. On the way down to the port, there were apple trees, many of them and they looked perfectly normal. I'm sure they would have tasted just fine too, but I had my own cereal bars, chocolate, water and few other things to snack on. But green apples... they looked tasty.

 The riverport was abandoned like everything else.  There was a café further up in the riverbank and it apparently had beautiful stained glass windows.  I didn’t go inside the café, because the Geiger counter started beeping like mad and at the time I knew nothing about the stained glass and the (former) beauty of the café. I wish I had seen it 30 years ago.

The deserted public pool is probably one of the creepiest experience in Pripyat. The school had to be the first.

The photos show the pool, crumbling interior and the broken windows. If you lived in the building next door, you would have been able to see all the swimmers.I don’t like water and swimming pools anyway so I was glad to get out of there.

 

We did not visit the Pripyat hospital, which would have been interesting.

Then it was lunchtime and I remembered to wash my hands before eating. It was late and I was starving, but the lunch was delicious: soup (which was cold), chicken, potatoes, salad, bread and vegetables.  Outside of the canteen, was a sleeping dog. It was definitely a normal dog, four legs, a tail and one head. It was also very much alive and was obviously enjoying its nap in the sun. I don't know what I was expecting- a zombie dog? A two headed dog? No, this one would have been a keeper, a real cure friendly looking dog.

In the bus back to Kiev during the two hour drive I had a lot of time to think, but didn’t really know what to think. We were lucky to be able to enter the buildings in Pripyat and see all what we saw. Another visit would definitely need to be planned. On the way passing by the reactor 4, the Geiger counter reminded us of its existence... 

We passed two radiation checkpoints after the visit, got out of the Exclusion Zone. Neither me or my belongings were radioactive. I was both sad and relieved and I knew it would take some time to process this. At the time I thought I would probably never want to go back, but now more than a month after the visit, yes, it would be interesting to return for another visit in winter. Did I find it unsafe? No. We were very well looked after. Was I scared? No. I just found the silence unnerving at times and the swimming pool would have been spooky no matter what. I am an Aquarius and I don't like water. Did I receive a harmful dose of radiation? Absolutely not. Why do I want to go back? Because I do. I always want to learn something new. I didn't really know how to prepare for the visit, so I didn't know what to expect and what questions to ask. I think I do now.

Photos from Chernobyl and Pripyat

Entering Chernobyl

Lazurne public pool

The trumpeting angel

Pripyat River Port

Chernobyl tour

I don’t remember for how I have been thinking about visiting Chernobyl. Probably for a very long time. All I really wanted is to go and show that nuclear power plant my finger and leave it a sarcastic remark “thanks for the cancer gift”.

Lots of issues came up: the political situation in Ukraine. Malaysian Airlines aircraft was shot down in Ukraine. Is Ukraine Airlines safe? Is Kiev safe? Then I just decided I have to go: I got into the bus and thought this is just one of the many world’s extreme tourist attractions. People, who knew I was going, said I’m a fool. Whatever. Even Ukraine was a bit too much for them to handle.

When we reached the first checkpoint for the Exclusion Zone, I thought this is the real thing. 

The roads were quiet, no cars in sight. The road was bumpy and not well maintained. There was a lot of forest, but it didn’t look like a healthy forest. Imagine being concerned about a forest, but it freaked me out. I had seen some “normal” forests earlier during the drive from Kiev, but this was nowhere near normal. Pine trees had just broken some in half, some just fell and they were all dry and sick looking.

I had a Geiger counter and thought I would have it on constantly, but the beeping sound was annoying. I just took it out whenever we left the bus and kept it beeping inside my pocket. The first stop, where the beeping got really loud was in the kindergarten in a village. There were spots on the ground where the radioactivity was really high. Inside the kindergarten it was quiet, kind of damp and dark. Lots of mosquitoes. I took photos because there was nothing else to do. Seeing all the kids’ books, dolls there was really sad. Same feeling was repeated at the school in Pripyat later that day. All I can do is stand there and feel useless.

I didn’t really feel scared. Not even when the Geiger counter showed some astronomical figures. Not when the Ukrainian military chap checked my passport. Not when I entered some of the dark buildings in Pripyat. Some place definitely made me feel uncomfortable such as the Duga-3 radar site. The forest was in a particularly bad shape near the radar. The radar made constant ticking sounds, which some people thought were just sounds of “raindrops”. Raindrops! Yeah right. Imagine having that constant clicking sound and no other sounds. The forest is deadly quiet. You hear the sound of your breath and footsteps. I felt like I needed to talk to myself to make sure I’m not the last person on the earth.

The sleeping dog outside a building in Chernobyl made me very sad. I don’t know if the dog even had a home. Normally I would go and pet the dog and this one seemed friendly, but no one was allowed to touch animals. There were several loose dogs and no one knows if they have rabies.

The whole Pripyat town made me wonder why they didn’t demolish the whole place at the beginning. Now the buildings fall into pieces one by one, but Soviet made concrete jungle crap might be there still for a very long time.

That stillness and silence. When humans leave, the nature and animals take over. If neither I or the other people were not talking then there were no sounds at all. Pripyat was the quietest place of all. We visited several buildings- the public swimming pool, school, amusement park etc. I realized I just want the photos, a quick look around and then out of there. The guide made jokes about zombies. There was a horror movie about zombies and mutated things in Chernobyl and I saw the movie, which was ok, but not the best I've seen.

There was a lot of walking and we stayed in Pripyat for an hour. It was hot, no wind, just sun and finally I had to drink water from the bottle. Until then I was thinking about radiation somehow getting into the bottle. I guess it didn’t, but I had to drink remembering the radiation is everywhere and no one can escape it.

When I finally saw the reactor, I thought that’s it: give it my finger and take a photo. Instead I felt myself getting really confused. Is this the place that caused my cancer and not just mine, but thousands of other people’s too? Or is it the people, who worked in there that night? But wait, those people saved the world. If there had been another explosion, things would have been much much worse and many Europeans wouldn't be living in Europe anymore.

I don’t really have anyone to blame. I thought I’ll never know for sure who or what caused my cancer, but the nuclear power plant surely is a good one to blame. I felt bad for the people who had to move out of Pripyat and leave everything behind and then fall ill on top of everything else. 

At the time we were on the bridge across the river near the reactor. It was quite frightening to think about an unplanned swim in that pond. There were lots of fish, including the big catfish. I saw it through the wooden beams of the bridge and then I couldn’t walk any further. My camera was in my pocket, I took it out, took a couple of photos of the pond. It was quiet around the plant too. The area is so huge and you’d expect people, cars everywhere, but we only saw a couple of employees’ cars and the bus that came to collect the previous shift workers. Those people looked very normal. I don’t know what I was expecting? I don’t think I expected to see any people there at all.

I didn’t expect the silence. If I spent longer time in the area, I would think there were no people left on the earth. The nature; trees, plants and flowers look right, but something- the people are missing. Pripyat is a place that time forgot. No matter how well I thought I had done my research before the trip, there is nothing that can prepare you for the post apocalyptical scene in front of you: at the same time it’s fascinating and you want to explore everything, go inside the reactor and talk to the few people.  At the same time all you want is to get out, have a shower, because you feel contaminated. You don’t want to breathe. You want to throw all your clothes into the trashbin when you return to the hotel and then throw up. That’s how I felt. Taking photos and hoping to be able to tell something to the world about this made it also worthwhile. It didn’t feel unsafe mentally or physically. There were no animals or zombies, and the radioactivity didn’t frighten me that much, but at the same time it didn’t feel right. The way the whole thing was handled wasn’t right, but at the same time those people who worked there that night saved our lives. The whole thing isn’t right. 

So; the scariest and the most uncomfortable things were: the abandoned school in Pripyat. Gas masks, books on the floor. The swimming pool. I hate water anyway so I would have had issues with it. I hated swimming and that heavily chlorinated water at school. The catfish and the fear of falling into the cooling pond. Duga-3 radar and the clicking sounds it made, and the silence of the sick forest. The fear of suddenly being transported into an era 30 years while walking around in Pripyat. Time travel you know. Some ground level radioactive spots, which were totally unexpected. The Geiger counter high readings whilst driving past the ChNPP.

What I liked about this visit? Met new people, found out how scary a total silence can be. Almost found out the truth about the cause of my cancer. Learned that the world hasn’t ended yet, because those people 30 years ago worked hard and saved our lives in Europe. That my problems are nothing compared to what happened in Chernobyl… and that I probably will never go back there. 

Kiev and Chernobyl trip

I visited Kiev, Ukraine last week and visited Chernobyl and the surrounding areas too. Here are some photos in no particular order- and I will tell more about my visit later.

Not all riding days are good

But they are still better than non-riding days. It's a challenge to ride a new horse, who has never met you and you haven't met the horse. All you can do is keep fingers crossed that the horse does not dislike you and buck you off.
It wasn't one of my best lessons, but definitely not the worst. The Horse was obviously is some sort of mood that I couldn't get her to do each and everything I asked of her. She did not canter, but then I probably did not ask for it. She turned right, when I asked (or not) her to turn left. She had a very comfortable trot, so I ended up riding in rising trot most of the time. I think a private lesson might have been a better idea. Well, there is always next time. When I have gotten so comfortable on my own horse, who has a great functioning engine, I almost forget that other horses exist.
At the end of the ride, she bit me.
Awww thanks.
I'll be back, you stubborn old mare.

Summer 2016

Iceland in March