Breathwalk in Sandstorm

The storm arrived late yesterday evening, and the sand was everywhere! Computer keyboard, bookshelf, bed linen.. A thin layer of sand covered the living room door. I was outside, could barely see where I was going and the wind tore branches off the trees and wrecked my plants in the garden. Even the flowers were covered with little spots of sand. Breathing in and out, silently repeating Sa Ta Na Ma, was interrupted by the storm. All of a sudden nice walk turned into fast paced run home- there was no way I wanted to turn into a snowman.. no no, wait, into a sandwoman. Only a fool stays outside in a storm like this. I have seen the wind blowing the sand all over the roads until the road becomes part of the sand dunes in a freeway between Sharjah and Dubai, UAE. I've seen the same shamal coloring the sky orange- surreal, silent event- but wait until the wind has gathered its strength. Then the fun begins.
This morning my front yard looked like the desert itself.My bike was covered in sand and dust, the cat's food bowl had flown across the yard, spilling the contents along the way. The ants were busy eating the remains of the Kitekat cat food.
Needless to say, Breathwalk came to an abrupt end yesterday, but i will keep on breathing and walking. Even if I am the only Breathwalker in the desert.

Absolute nothing

Endless energy... The local herb, vitamin and mineral store sells Rhodiola, which was recommended in a magazine, can't remember which, not long ago. So every morning when I line up tablets, pills etc that I have been prescribed, Rhodiola is one of them. It will be exciting to see its effects in long term. Alternative medicine..? Well, when I told my doctor about yoga and its benefits, he stood in contemplative silence for a moment, then replied "keep doing it, if it helps". And it does.
It carried me through illness, good times, bad times, it is a real bundle of joy in my life. Wahe Guru.
I failed my drug administration assessment today. But somehow i know it is not the end of the world, just a sign of something better that is already on the way. I will keep on trying. But during the assessment, when I really struggled with the calculations, my dyslexic mind just did not function, numbers 3 and 8 looked the same to me. And I was feeling insecure, swallowing the tears, would not give myself permission to cry. No way.
Afterward when I was having lunch I felt strangely unattached, non-existent, even relieved. Now I know. This 'new person' status is like a stamp on the forehead; stamp that allows others to abuse you, make you feel like an absolute nothing, loser, inadequate. They will not kill you, they just believe the process makes one stronger. Kind of a rinse in a dishwasher. This is work for you, and I stand behind my earlier post that there is a lot of power play and bullying and abuse of colleagues in nursing. Funny enough, the bullies I encountered years ago seem like 'zero', smaller than an ant on the floor. Ant brain, ant body. Absolute nothing.

Withdrawal

I passed the advanced cardiac life support course, no less than 100%. No more. Celebrated by buying a new computer- whilst at the computer store i realized how privileged I am truly am, same time last year I had to go to the bank begging for a personal loan to buy a computer. And pay credit card debts.
The time spent and money earned here will probably buy me a new university training too. I received the new prospectus from South Bank University this morning, and the courses look tempting, particularly criminology. Just give me something new, brand new, so I will not need to hear the words "cardiac arrest", "cholesterol" and "coronary artery" ever again. This is not to say anything against the life support course I have just passed, worked hard to pass it- and the knowledge I gained will no doubt be useful.

Withdrawal symptoms come from coffee- once again I woke up tired, unrested this morning and skipped the cup of coffee. Hours and a painkiller later I finally succumbed and had a can of pepsi. Ohhhhh. Nooooo. Just taking baby steps this time. Would depression have anything to do with binge-eating? For sure. I have not yet won the battle between the neutral, negative and positive minds, but I am getting there. Withdrawal from the old life in London too. It does take time to settle in, but sometimes one may forget that. I must say the yoga teacher training in London equipped me with plenty of skills, some of them I recognize only today- and feel deeper gratitude and ever before.

It is hot, but I am going out, clean the front yard. Gardening. +80 F. Sunshine Arabia.

I am the sheep that got lost

You know, somewhere on the outer structure on your computer there is sticky label saying "Intel inside". Long ago I saw the same sticker, same design and at first it looked the same to me- then after a more careful examination I realized it actually says "Idiot outside". Yeah. That does make sense.
Hmmm.

The day opened as dull and gray, sand and dust flying everywhere with the wind; shamal- sandstorm. The skies are now clear, birds are singing. My cat's still missing.

"Come what come may. Time and the hour run through the roughest day."
Macbeth.

Stillness lives

Day off. Last night was restless, literally; my legs were still on this constant journey and it took time for them to stop. The telephone rang once at 1030pm, I rushed to answer, but was too late. Today I feel exhausted, the process of weaning myself from coffee proves to be challenging, but I do not want to be dependent on any substance, not the way some colleagues pour six or more cups of coffee down their throats every day. It is their life, I know. The coffee I drank at work for a month or so tasted bitter, just because I thought it would help me fit in. No more.
Sat outside in the sun for an hour or so. It is still pleasantly warm, not that sweat inducing relentless humidity- but the long summer is still ahead of us. Then I fixed the printer, which was buried in the darkness of the wardrobe, but is now alive and working well. Overall I am still tired from last night's adventures. Thank God I said NO to the pain and the painkillers and just waited it out.

Year ago I was a in a better physical shape than I am today. I have let myself go- no control, but knowing that I have already overcome similar scenario once I know I can do it. It was not easy, no one said it was, I believe it.
I might take a nap.. not better moment than the present one.

Leave me here tonight

Keep smiling :)
I drift off to sleep and these dreams are so real: I am standing by the window, the garden is beautiful and fresh after the rain. It is still dark, but lights are on in the house opposite ours. The light seems to be closer and closer until it embraces me, carries me outside and I can feel the softness of the wet grass under my feet. Someone takes my hand.. then... I wake up, I wonder if my present state of being is the real dream, how did I get here? Heaven knows. My heart beats louder than before, but it is not from fear or hopelessness. Anything is possible. I get up and get ready for work.

Mornings have been been slightly humid, little cold, the fog lingers over the area and when I stretch my arms in front of me, I can barely see my fingers. It is so thick, and feels like chocolate mousse.

Bad news too - one of my friends was confronted by the law, the authority, the "supreme being".. My prayers are with her, anything is possible. Anything, never lose hope. Courage. Confronted by the law here is not a pleasant experience, ever. I was in a car accident years ago, a visit to ER and then endless flow of paperwork, accusations, interviews, threats of deportation, even a visit to the police station. The local "sheriff" then asked me to sign a statement (written in a language that I could not read) that I would not return later to raise any complaints or court orders. All I wanted was to go home.. Only then I understood the meaning of human rights. There are none. Here.

Explain this

The Cat has gone missing again. It was awful to come back home, not knowing whether the cat would be here waiting or not. She was not. One of my colleagues said cats like exploring, wandering around and they return home when they choose to do so. Ok. Another colleague said maybe the cat got run over by a car. Maybe. There is a busy road just next to my house.
Part of me feels guilty, that I did not make any effort to go search for the cat, but where would I go? All I can do is wait and post a missing cat advert in the local intranet. It would be like playing cat and mouse, try and find the cat, who's probably hiding and watching me, finding it very amusing. No I won't be going out looking for her.
I am planning my vacation in June- the world is out there and India would be the most tempting destination :) but this time I think it might be appropriate to visit London. This time not as a resident, but as tourist. No worries, I won't be seen climbing into one of the red sightseeing buses, I will walk and explore London that way. May I also assure you that I will not be staying at Dorchester. But I am looking forward for a walk in Hyde Park, along the River Thames, and once again feel the healing power of the river. We have hardly any rivers here- we do have the beautiful Arabian Gulf, with its beautiful shades of tropical green and blue.

Moments of anxiety hit me at times, but not nearly as often as they used to. It tells me I am bound to fail with whatever i do, that I lack focus and goal, but I pray; please God stop this from happening, get me out of this mess. I am mesmerized by these moments, as bright as stars, they come and go in a split second - I always ask myself the same question: What an earth was that?
They pass me so quickly that I do not even know what hit me.
Unreal. Fascinating. Somewhere deep inside I finally "get it", and know exactly what I need to know. That "something" I failed to understand a year ago. Hah. I know now. I truly do. I am the soul of the truth.

Dreams

It has been challenging, these first two months. There is no point denying this. Of course there is certain amount of resistance that needs to be overcome, but can I ever be the first one to admit this? Never.
Still unnerving. I feel so unmotivated and lack confidence.. full of fear that I would not fulfill the new employers expectations .. Or failing my own expectations. This then reflects on my work itself- the type of work I always used to enjoy, but this is no longer the case. I am desperate for a brand new direction in my life- but my recent dreams (and nightmares) are guiding me to new destination. All I need to do is take the chance.
I have already lost count how many times I wondered was this the right thing to do, but every single feeble excuse proves me wrong, and all the signs tell me STAY. Wait and see. Be patient. Countless prayers; please let me go back, I do not need to stay here.. but then what did I have in London that was so much better than what I have here? Towards the end of my stay in London I was LONELY. Mostly my own decision and fault and whatever, I chose to be alone most of the time. When I spent time with people, I often kept my eye on the time, counted the minutes; get me outta here. Isolated myself. Went to movies by myself, immersed myself into films and escaped the harsh reality. Things and people that I did not want to face. When I moved to the temporary accommodation in London, even then I was just wishing my life away, sitting at Starbucks, waiting and waiting for the news..
Oh crap, why worry abut yesterday, it is gone and will not come back. Perhaps some of the choices I made 10 years ago were foolish, but then maybe this is the way it was all supposed to be going.
I will be visiting London this coming summer and will probably find out how much I have really changed then. For the better I hope.

In through the backdoor

- To my surprise I was nearly unable to log in into my Blog. They had blocked the "sign-in" access, but after searching for a while I found a way.
- They sell Bach flower remedies at GNC. And glucosamine, and rhodiola.
- Air-conditioning in my house is about go on strike- toooo baaad.
- I left my £900 watch at work over the weekend. It was still there today, thanks be to God. Had I lost it elsewhere in the world, it would have been gone for sure.
- ER the 7th season is entertaining to watch, my one and only excuse is to learn! I may learn something useful for next months advanced life support course. Dr Greene was diagnosed with brain tumor, that did make me upset.
- The Cat returned home the same day she went missing. All the "Wanted" posters that I was about to design and print, were needless after all.
- I have not contracted tuberculosis after all, to the disappointment of most eager staff at the clinic.
- "Happiness is your birthright." (YB)
- Windows Vista costs SR 269 here. Approximately £30-40.
- I have forgiven and forgotten :)
- Bedtime is 9pm every weekday- wake up at 5am.. Exhaustion and tiredness used to follow me everywhere until I learned to sleep less! 5-6 sleep is perfectly acceptable.
- I remember the empty streets of Montmartre on very early Sunday mornings, and the friendliness of Parisians.
- Miss you A, you are not far in miles now, but I still cannot reach you.

The curse of Feb 11

Feb 11 arrives every year- this year I realized what the date was not first thing in the morning, but late in the evening. The day had been nearly as disastrous as the one year before- who would have guessed.. Arguments at work, ineffective communication, feeling like I am locked in somewhere and cannot get out. Saying the wrong words, everything inside out, upside down. One of those days when the best option is not to get up in the morning.
Anyway the day after could have easily been worse..
I went to the staff clinic for PPD tuberculosis test two days before, and then for test results on this day. To their (=staff clinic) my result was positive! What can I say, just sit there, astonished, looking at my arm where a red patch measures 0.7cm. Unsure of the meaning of the result, I ask what this means, what is the next step. TB clinic! Chest x-ray! TB drugs! None of this what I wish to hear, but I make a mental note to research TB and find out whatever I can about this subject. For sure I have no TB, all my previous chest x-rays have always been clear and I have no TB symptoms either. It was like the nurse got some secret pleasure for seeing me looking so lost and confused. But on the day when they injected this alien substance (PPD) in my forearm, it later changed into red burning patch and I wondered what caused this (hot shower, new Multivitamins..?). They talked about antibodies, and my body is already full of them, and I am not going to take any other drugs that mess up my system.

Happy Valentine's Day.