Inconsolable?

Not much good luck recently with the car. First the brakes failed, then the tire exploded and I was forced to desert the car at the parking. Then one look in the daylight, and I realized the left side back tire had blown. Has it damaged the wheel too..? After all I was driving for another 2-3 miles AFTER the tire had exploded. All the rest of the tires will no doubt follow the lead and the car is a goner. That's what happens I guess when one buys second hand car without having it checked first. My first thought was something's not right because the car had felt shaky for a week, but I kept driving. Of course I had a "look" but saw nothing wrong with the tires. They were old, that's all. Not having a car makes life more challenging and isolated, as there is no public transport here where I live and you depend on arranging own transport. My bike too needs repair- I can recall the days when I was driving a cornflower blue Brompton folding bike in London. The tires occasionally needed more air, otherwise it was a perfect little creature. I bought new $90 bike, which then began falling apart. Tires one by one, gears etc.. What about bike and car maintenance..? Yes, all the vehicles in my life have had regular maintenance, but shit happens and they break down.
Ah what a life.
Flying high, flying low, painting pictures, listening to VH1, dancing, watching CSI NY, shopping, traveling, sightseeing. Part of growing up, learning?
I certainly learn more about cars- next step changing the tire..? Then junking the car, then off to Toyota dealer to find out what they have on offer. Toyota Avalon would be a favorite, as well as my all time love Lexus :) but may have to settle for the "cheapest".

That feeling

Sadness, overwhelming sadness and desperation. What have I done?
Life goes on, the show must go on and I am still here- feeling the constant pressure and endless questions; how would I like to spend the rest of my days? What have I done, have I made the right decision? Come out and let them know who and what you are. No matter what race, color, sexual orientation, nationality you have, you are welcome.

Respekt

It is amazing to notice, from day to day that some people's manners never improve here. Good example is queuing up for "service"- the service itself sucks, but the people(=men) who feel it is their privilege to be served before a single woman or a group of women, really truly suck. At the airport: I was standing in the queue, very clearly in the queue, when few young men decided they are more important and they cannot possible let a woman go first. Another occasion, yet again at the airport, when an elderly local gentleman decided his cause is more valuable than mine and his need to be served first is greater than mine. Well, we are still very backward here- those lucky ones who have been abroad must realize men and women are more or less equal. Whilst here, I just have to swallow my pride and let the thoughts be published in my weblog. So the whole world knows. Don't get me wrong, I don't stand there and wait for things to happen, but I too push and elbow my way to the airline check in desk, and give dirty displeased looks to those who dare come too close. It often does the trick and I have to go to the ladies room, pump my fists in the air and shout; "Yes, I showed them again!". But still, this is a man's world.
Once again, when you have to queue up for entering the aircraft, that's another annoyance! Some do not understand the meaning of the "queue" and instead form a group. Like that group could actually enter the plane all together and hold hands. Garbage. Don't we all have our assigned seats in the plane and the plane won't take off until the last Abdullah, Mohammed and Ali have found their seats..?! Once the queue finally forms, people push and get too close for comfort and few words such as "haram" seem to work every time and the pushy ignorant people back off an inch or two. Yee haa, what a relief.
And the forever issue; cellphones. As soon as the plane touches down, cellphones are being switched on and phone calls going ahead in full steam before we even reach the gate. Hmmm.. I remember Europeans being a bit more compliant in this. Perhaps the airline has a different policy here.
Once when I was returning from vacation, there was no one (=employer's representative) to meet me at the airport, so the ever so pleasant fun (not) airport officials decided to take me to the basement (out of sigh, out of mind) to wait. It did not prove to a lengthy wait, but for me, who is used to free speech and liberty this was not at all acceptable. I cried and refused to sit down, and questioned them constantly why am I locked in here, why is it that women get treated so badly, why are women inferior in Saudi Arabia..? That sort of stuff. This went on and on, one of the "officials" offered me a cup of tea, and I don't remember if I accepted it.. I think I did. When the rep finally reached the airport, I was at the end of my tether and very very angry. It turned out no one had informed the rep I was coming- not his fault, but someone else's, who had not bothered to contact the right people. These days the airport is just a distant memory, but an unpleasant one.
One thing is for sure- these guys are not used to woman standing up for themselves and seems they are not fond of seeing a woman cry. Something that may come useful one day.

So respeKt all human beings, men and women and children, whatever their race, religion, culture.
Prepare for your flight by bringing your iPod, book, blank stare and prepare to fight for your rights, then you'll get to your destination God willing here in the Kingdom.

Believe

There is no other way than to believe. Belief in God is one of the simplest things and God's presence can be felt everywhere, every day if we just let ourselves feel it. Three days ago I was undergoing some difficult challenging chores at work and thought I'd fail. I know, I know, positive thinking... I did not fail, because I felt God reaching out for me, and all of a sudden I had calmness in my mind, something that I had not experienced before. By Guru's grace this feeling is still strong and does not show any sign of leaving me. Kind of a safety net, if you like. I feel supported, both mentally and physically. Of course I am blessed to have many unique friends here, very caring and kind people around me. But I still wonder about that event three days ago.. without someone, something stronger and ever-present I think I would have been "nailed", like some not so kind ones like to put it. In my mind God's presence has been proved, not for the first time, but confirming all the signs that I have received during the past 10 years..

Other than that, weather continues to be hot and at times extremely humid. Temperature closer to +50 C, surely.

No paradise

After yet another day at work, on my way home I thought I cannot make any sense of this even if I try. Life here in general, it is unreal. There may be another word to describe it, but right now I don't know any better. Palm trees, sand, hot and humid weather. Maid, gardener. Luxury shopping malls, no expenses have been saved in planning and implementing all this. I am beginning to think I have no part to play in building this society, that I have nothing to contribute, nothing to give to these people. That's just how I am today, the way I feel. Life sometimes offers second chances, I was lucky to get this one and it enabled me to work in the Middle East once more, but there are more and more days when I feel this particular second chance was not a blessing. One in disguise, maybe.. that is a possibility. In any case, I have paid off my debts, I am financially more secure, which was one of my goals. I was not ready to go just yet, but my intuition tells me something else.

Vicious circle

Questions are endless and they keep on coming;
Is the grass greener on the other side?
Is it true?
Why me?
Why can't I forget?
Que hora es?
Is it too late?

Still the life goes on in the land of extreme heat and humidity. The very end of July has brought yet another month to an end, with stifling humidity. This can only mean that the weather is changing- more humidity, shamals, sunshine. It is burning hot especially during the midday. Sweat pouring out, when I just pop my head out of the door. Sunglasses are a must here, therefore I own three pairs of them now. Excessive.. Ok.
The car survives the heat, but the ABS warning lights are still intermittently on and the whole dashboards is lit up like a Christmas tree. I drive the car until it stops. Sometimes the brakes resist, and the car jumps like a kangaroo. Speeding is obviously out of question, since the brakes are no longer 100% reliable.

Shopping.. well, just once.. a vague memory of shopping at Carrefour few weeks ago. Nothing expensive, just every days necessities. Tampons are hard to find here, there is an occasional selection at the local store, but most of the time I go to Geant or Carrefour and buy truckloads of them. All other products are available.. Except for Yogi Tea- someone said I could get it in Bahrain, but I have not yet been there. Besides I have three unopened boxes of Yogi Tea here, remains of my vacation in London last month. Seems even that was ages ago.

Do I now need to write
"Thank You"
at the end here, like some people do when they write e-mails at work. Heck, I'd read the message anyway, no need to thank me for anything.

The Car

It did not come as a surprise that the rear car window got stuck this morning. It was quite expected really, as the car is more than 12 years old. Brakes, window opening mechanisms, door opening mechanism... what else.. It is falling apart.
Automatic transmission is the best feature, and I would never voluntarily go back into a manual one again. Brand new cars do not cost a fortune here, so that will be my next goal.
I just hope and pray the car won't give up in the middle of the road- I would not know what to do then.
Oh and that is not all. The battle with the window this morning, when I desperately tried to shut it lead to few injuries; the window escaped without a scratch, but I have a black eye after hitting my head into the corner of the window, broke two nails and more scratches on the wrist. This just strengthened my resolve to junk this car and buy a new one.

I watched a movie called "Glasshouse- The Good mother". Thriller. Well, it did nothing to me. The two kids in the film have been adopted by a "friendly" couple, who have lost their son a year before. Little do these kids know, the parents are total nutcases, and they are in for torture and terror. Fear trip that is. This must be one of those disappointing class B movies that never make it to the big screen. Not brilliant, not excellent, nowhere near!

Junk mail

You know who you are, sending me jokes and other so called fun stuff to my work e-mail. Well, you might as well stop. I know who you are, who you report to, I know your office telephone number and even the building. Who's stalking who..? Yes, I also do feel I am being watched sometimes.
CCTV and spy cameras all over the place, you can't get away here.
Anyway this electronic mail stalker probably thinks he's doing me a favor, asking me to read this crap he sends me and even has nerve to ask me to send him a "receipt" when the mail has been read. I never bother.
Just to let the stalker guy A.D know that the jokes don't make me laugh. Pictures he sends do not make me smile. They might as well be blank e-mails.
Come and talk to me straight if you have something to say. I promise I will listen if you have something clever to say, if you look smart and if you are polite. Fair?

Koulukiusaaminen

Minä vieläkin muistan sen.. Minä olin koulukiusaamisen uhri. Minun kohdallani kiusaaminen alkoi ala-asteella heti ensimmäiseltä luokalta. Silloin minut vain jätettiin yksin, mutta kolmannella luokalla vaihdoin koulua (Jalkarannan ala-aste) ja tyyli muuttui. Tonit, Mikat, Leenat, Hartot,Mirvat, Kimmot ja Vesat olivat jatkuvasti kimpusssani, milloin uhkaillen, milloin halventaen.
Minua nimitettiin Veli Pontevaksi ylipainoisen olemuksen vuoksi. Sukunimestäkin sai väännettyä vaikka minkälaisia pilkkanimiä. Yläasteella jouduin silmätikuksi pukeutumistyylini vuoksi (Hanoi Rocks!). Silloin eräät nerokkaat kiusaajat alkoivat käyttää nyrkkejään ja potkimaan.
Tein virheen siinä, että en kertonut opettajille tai vanhemmilleni asiasta. Kielsin mitään tapahtuneen, vaikka kiusaaminen oli niinkin avointa, että kesken tunnin haukuttiin tai potkittiin. Kiusaajien taholta tulleet uhkaukset todella tehosivat.
Tästä kaikesta oli seurauksena, että itsetuntonti oli nollapisteessä monien vuosien ajan. Kiusaajat eivät enää asu lähimaillakaan, ja hyvä niin. Voisin muistuttaa heille mitä he minulle tekivät silloin vuosien 1979-1985 aikana.
Miten ovat asiat nyt sitten muuttuneet..? Voin antaa heille anteeksi. Minä olen kuitenkin onnistunut pääsemään jonnekin elämässäni, pois tästä hiirenkolokaupungista, jossa muuten saattaisin törmätä Toni R:ään (joka on muuten lihonut "Veli Pontevaksi"- well done Toni, 10 pistettä ja papukaijamerkki sulle). Ja onkohan niillä muillakaan niin hyvin mennyt. Kerran kiusaaja, aina kiusaaja.
Jos sinua kiusataan, puhu asiasta. Lopultakin ne kiusaajat ovat vaan häviäjiä, pientä muurahaista pienempi älykkyysosamäärä. Joukossahan se tyhmyys tiivistyy.
Joten kiitokset Toni S:lle, Mirvalle, Leena M:lle, Mika L:lle, Toni R:lle, Kimmo H:lle, Harto P:lle, Vesa R:lle.. Voisin kirjoittaa teidän nimet koko maailman nähtäväksi tähän.. mutta ette ole sen arvoisia.
Muutama kiitos kuitenkin toiselle luokkatoverille Toni M:lle, joka sentään yritti olla kaveri ja kävimme muutaman kerran hevostalleilla.. ja muutama muu nimeltä mainitsematon ansaitsee kiitokset.

Ei hätää, englanninkielinen käännös on tulossa :)
Translation into English on its way soon.

Wahe Guru Wahe Jio

Here I am.
Nothing has changed and still countless changes have happened since December 2006.
No news, and still there is plenty to tell. Clock is ticking..
Where to begin.. Now that i am living in a very different environment, I could appreciate those few days in London more than usual.
Yoga class earlier this week really and truly began to work in dissolving my anger. How miraculous. It was kind of wind-like feeling and all I needed to do was wave goodbye.
I also felt a tremendous sensation of forgiveness and following that a lot of compassion toward my own Self and others in that room. Only commitment now will serve me, so that I just need to decide it is all in my power to be MYSELF, no one else. Dropping my mask, not all is lost. Once again, no words can describe how I feel, and perhaps no words are needed.

This week will be spent in the land of snow, Finland- but it is summer, and all the snow has melted. This is my home, it still is. The dog, fully energized golden retriever sleeps on the floor and sometimes when he dreams, his whole body takes part of the chase in the dream. We sit next to him and laugh. But he is like a Duracell bunny, instead of growing older he gets just younger and naughtier, his funny friendly face exposes his mischievous thoughts and we know he is up to no good. We forgive him each and every time.