May 04, 2009

I shouldn't have..

When I remember the days more than a year ago, that was the time when I had cancer. Many things changed, priorities in life, values, everything. Then months and months afterwards I began to feel more settled and thought things would get back to normal, but there was nothing that resembled that "normal" state of being. Cancer will always be part of me. Now my cousin has been diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma and this brought back the memories. How did I truly feel?
Desperate, sad, ready for a battle, merciful, adventurous, challenged, hopeful.. All that and more.
During those months, living with cancer, I wanted to experience many things and prove I could still do it. Someone, who was also diagnosed with cancer, said that as long as she can walk and run, she knows she is alive. I was walking, running, traveling, doing things I had never done, as fast as I can, in a hurry. My days.. I didn't know how many were left.

Since then I have not really felt scared. Not really. Well.. yearly check-ups; body scans, blood tests.. it never gets easy, each time it brings little more distance between myself and cancer. Cancer used to dominate my life, but it no longer does it.

Other scary things: I shouldn't have been watching the movie "Hostel Part II". All that blood, violence was too much. Have any of you seen it? I nearly threw up and will probably have nightmares tonight. For once I wish I was at work at night and wouldn't need to sleep. This is not the first movie mistake, there are others too: Saw movies, Coma, Halloween, Omen, Exorcist.. And why did I watch all these..? I guess that's the adventurous part of me.. But the feeling does not last, it is like having a drink, another drink.. and one more. And then one of the worst hangovers- that's how I feel.

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