May 26, 2015

A six hour nap

A mandatory visit to much hated ob-gyn yesterday. Several debates later I knew I had to go, there was no way to confirm what I already knew, other that good old doctor having a look down there. My one and only way to cope with this is to sedate myself so that I can stand upright and not slur my words. I left work at about 2pm, started with the first sedative before I left. The hospital is a short drive away and 10 minutes later I find myself taking another sedative. No problem. My mind is crystal clear and I can still play my favorite iPhone games so the level of sedation is not yet adequate. I walk to the clinic, pass by one of the restroom, because I have this awful urge to throw up and/or have an attack of diarrhea. Whilst there, I am convinced I have already made my diagnosis. Before I leave the restroom, I swallow another sedative. Or half a sedative, I can't remember anymore.
When I finally locate the clinic, I am told that the doctor is running late. As always, but this time I am glad, because those damn sedatives aren't working. I drink a bottle of water and take another magic pill. That's the third sedative, or it could be just 1.5 tablets. I can't remember how much I have taken.
After 10 minutes or so the nurse calls me in. But wait, I'm not sedated enough. I have just made a record in Angry Birds Friends and I can't possibly be sedated enough. Blood pressure measures 158/88 despite of sedation, but the combination of the hot weather, walk from the car to hospital and anxiety do wonders for the BP. Second measurement is slightly better- 144/82. Once again I am asked to wait outside and the two other ladies outside make a comment about the doctor's schedule. I am beginning to feel lightheaded and don't really want to engage into a conversation. I still can get a few words out and agree. As if I'm drunk, but I'm not. To ensure I'll continue feeling like I do, I take one more little white tablet. Half a tablet, whole tablet, I don't know. I don't care. Two patients go in before me, and I don't really mind. One of them undergoes a painful procedure, I don't know what it is and don't want to know. All I know is I may know what is going around me right now, but afterward I won't remember much.
When I am finally called in, the doctor's familiar face and voice reassure me a bit, and I am super cool and calm. I tell the doc I need the rest of the day off, can't go back to work, because I am no longer in this world. He says ok. I describe my problem and he wants to take a look.
Whatever. All I remember being offered a sheet to cover myself and then being asked to cough. All of a sudden it is over. I get dressed. I remember very little of the exam itself (but I remember some investigation tools and machines (colposcope..?), but even they don't freak me out anymore) and it's a miracle I could still speak. Nothing hurt, all I felt was a bit of pressure, but I couldn't even localize that. All this time I thought the sedatives had expired or my own tolerance was a lot higher, or that stuff was just placebo. Hell no, it worked. The doc confirms my diagnosis: grade I-II cystocele AKA urinary bladder prolapse. Right. Didn't I just have a condition called uterine prolapse?
Now another prolapse to deal with. We come to a conclusion "wait and see" and I may come and see the doc again after a year.
I feel encouraged after this visit, most probably because I felt no pain, embarrassment, humiliation, nothing. I don't remember much about the conversation that took place after the exam, but I remember the word "cystocele". Honestly, I don't have urinary incontinence, but sometimes I feel I can't empty my bladder very well. Nothing is leaking. The doc also mentioned my ovaries, that they were there- the leftovers from last year's hysterectomy.

I am kind of proud of myself that I had no tearful meltdowns, and did not feel the urge to run as fast as I can. I think I can go and see this particular doctor again, but well sedated and numb. That's the only way. I don't remember how I got home (yes, I did drive, an irresponsible bastard as I am) but I decided to take a nap on the living room sofa. I woke up six hours later in the middle of the night. Wow, that was nice. Some of the effects of the sedation were still there this morning, but I made it to work ok By midday I felt no traces of any of its effects, but I wouldn't really want to be under sedation every day of my life. Save it for emergencies.

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