Insomnia

Almost at the very end of 2013. New Year just around the corner.
I wish 2014 will bring something good to all of us. Health, happiness, success, new job if that is what you seek. Meet that special person. Travel. Say one kind word to everyone you meet.

Ask me about the plan and New Year's resolutions now and I can't answer. My eyes don't stay open and I am drifting into the dream world. That world where each and every dream comes true. That world, where I get to kiss the man in my dreams, live in a mansion and have no more financial worries. No depression. Something nice and rewarding to do at work. Be relaxed and happy. That special man on my side.
Some of this could exist in the real world too. I just need to start from somewhere.

I've not slept well for the last two weeks. Max. 6 hours a night. Barely making it out of the bed at 5.15am, that is if I do not reach for snooze button. Shower. I wish I could stay there forever under the stream of hot water. 

Fingers crossed sleep will come tonight. Tomorrow is the 31st, and I will probably spend that night in bed too, dreaming of that special man, New Year's resolutions, singing along Avicii's song "Hey brother". Good night from my part of the world.

It's him again..

As soon as I thought I got it all planned, all ready, all good and right decisions made, HE shows up again. My plans go down the drain, because I let them, and because my ability to think slows down and becomes non-existent. No one should have that kind of power over me. I'll start again.

Wednesday night fever

Fever, sore throat, cough (productive one... yuck) and runny nose have kept me home and forced me to slow down, temporarily. Given me time to think.
I should have started taking antibiotics on the day when cold symptoms started.
My horse has broken tooth. How did that happen?
Maybe I should not have taken flu vaccine at all? 
Am I too old to go back to university and study something I really want to study?
Am the one leading my life, or is someone/something else leading?
I am thankful for neighbor's orange cat, who comes and visit, cheers me up. Especially when I am sick.
My horse is 20 years old. I was 20 something, when she was born.
Random thoughts.
Next book I'd like to read is "None braver" by Michael Hirsh.
Next country I'd like to visit is Iceland. For the 2nd time.
That guy next door, I really like him.
I could eat waffles, pancakes and rice crispies all day long. All carbs, yes.

 
 

What's up Whatsapp?

Avoiding nasty comments and insults aimed at you is almost an impossibility in this life. I got a taste of that yesterday. Not the first time, of course not, but last night's lengthy exchange of words got too far. Without social media this would probably not have happened. Without being intoxicated this would not have happened. Had I switched off the cellphone, this would not gone so far.
Discussion about horse feed. Discussion that turned sour. These are the "juiciest" bits, copied and pasted from Whats App:

"You not going to buy feed from me" (this was meant as question, I presume)
I responded by saying I am not going to change my horse's feed right now. She does not need anything extra.
"Well she is eating rabish now" (rubbish? radish?)
" I'm really disappointed with how you treat your horse" (Excuse me??!!)
" She wasn't in local feed until you put her there" (I "put" the horse on local feed..? "Local food is good enough, or else the stable would not offer it to owners)
"And problems happened" (Do problems "happen"? Do they not "occur"..? Wrong verb, loser!)
"Treat your horse don't be cheap" (Cheap..????? Who's cheap here? I treat my horse at times better than anyone else in my life)
"This for only owners who love treating their horses. Cheap owners don't" (I am not denying the fact that the food YOU sell is not of quality food, but is this the only way to "treat" my horse?
"Ummm maybe that exactly what you need.  Change feed and problems gone." (What problems? My horse was lame earlier this year. Equine vet, who saw the x-rays of the horse's feet, said there are signs of chronic laminitis, but that the horse could be ridden. Shoeing regimen should not be changed right now. Right front foot is little worse that left, but if the horse walks/trots without being lame, she can be ridden)

Me: "Were you drunk yesterday evening when you were texting me?"
- "Yes very drunk"

So it went, and I know it was the drink speaking, but at the same time I wondered if this person is/was a genuine friend at all. Genuine friends do  not do this. 
Horse's workload is pretty light. One 1/2 hour lesson a week and otherwise just hacking out. Once in a blue moon horse and another rider take part in dressage show. No jumping, no cross country. 

Bitter memories remain from that conversation. I am confident of my ability to do what is best for my horse and I don't take this sort of abuse lightly. Someone needs to apologize, and I need to forgive. I don't know how I am going to do that, but somehow I've got to find the way. Trust is gone, that is for sure, and as it says in the article below:

Our words leave the most lasting impression

http://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2013/10/words-leave-lasting-impression.html