Crash site

I am waiting for feedback from university, where I am studying. Feedback about the essay I just submitted and whether or not I am proficient enough in English. If yes, I guess I get to continue studies and if not, well, I will find out what the meaning of a "drop-out" is. Right now I don't really care. My future plans did not even include studying, even though The Boss says I am an academic type. To my surprise, I now feel studying is not just worthless mind-numbing activity, but actually quite rewarding. Seeing those 4000 words in front of you and still wanting to continue, eager to jump right into the next module, is amazing considering I did not want to study anything in the first place.
Well, perhaps consider another career, due to not such great life at work right now.

it is not good manners, if a colleague at work watches your every move and then reports you. Still manages to keep straight face as if nothing had ever happened. "It was not me, I never said anything to the boss, I did not report you". Guilt always shines through this person's face and words in more ways than one. Yeah, so it was her again, who was caught in the act walking out of the boss's office (Boss's office is almost sacred ground. It can only mean one thing to me: 99% of the time it is bad news, if I get an invitation in...).  Like those childhood bullies long long time ago- it is time to name and shame these supervisor's little pets soon.

It's just getting impossible to work in this sort of environment. I have already lost count how many times I have mentioned "work", "bullying" and all those nasty words. It goes on and on and I am getting to the point of keeping my mouth shut and just watching how the situation develops. Just accepting that I am not going to get what I want, not in this place, no matter how many posh letters I can add behind my name. I've added my name into that list of The Most Unpopular People,

  

that is circulating out there somewhere. It has probably reached this glacier by now.

It's because of that

It is pretty amazing what we all achieve in our lives. It does not need to be anything really very remarkable and whether it is writing a novel or watching a horror movie it's an accomplishment. Some sort of. Not each and every day needs to be full of accomplishments.

My day started quite well. Having had good night and plenty of rest, I thought the day will surely be brilliant. Not so. Seeing some colleagues at work triggers unpleasant sensations. No matter how hard I try, I find it hard even to look at them and I feel I've got to get distance between them and myself. At least they don't smell and it is not really physical unpleasantness in them either.... But it is that bloody awful attitude, that they are on top of the world. They feel they have been treated unfairly and are being bullied, when in fact it's exactly the opposite. Mornings often start with mind-numbing meetings that on a reasonably positive note, but almost end in tears and someone walking out in a hurry. I could do one lousy meeting like that, but had to run away from the one in the afternoon. What sorta boss never gets questioned by the authorities, when the whole department falls into pieces, insults fly from all four corners and employees resign one by one?
My one and only request (it was just ONE, honest. I knew I could have just this ONE) was to change work assignment. Guess what the response was: NO. We touched the subject briefly later, but even then the boss pretended not to have ever discussed any such thing with me. It was her way or highway. I am beginning to reach that highway. Few colleagues more more than willing to discuss change of work assignment, but even that did not save me.
Do I ever feel I am being bullied? Hell yeah I am. Every day. It's an insane epidemic, very much like a known contagious disease.

"Well touch my mouth and hold my tongue
I'll never be your chosen one
I'll be home safe and tucked away
Well you can't tempt me if I don't see the day."
- Mumford&Sons: Broken Crown

Friend of mine, whom I met after work was talking along the same lines. How work sucks at times, how life is hard in general and how he fell asleep right after coming home from work. But considering that these are really minor issues, he said why worry about them that much.
Yes, why worry.
I'll be seeing my doctor tomorrow morning, and I could be on the operating table again on May 21, so in a big scheme of things I think things are really just fine.

My achievement of the day was that I just accepted on some level what was happening, did not start crying, but left the meeting before more harm than good was said and done. It does not mean I will continue to accept the situation. 

  

Mumford and Sons - Broken Crown

No to bullying

Sometimes putting distance between you and your "normal" daily life, can really change the way you see things.  I wrote a lot about work and bullying before vacation and that's been the previous trend too.. Things just get very unpleasant and challenging, seeing the same people day in day out is plain painful! Perhaps I need a new career- truck driver..?  Scenery and people change.
When I was in primary and secondary school, I was bullied most of the time. There was no choice at the time, those bullies were there all the time. School holidays were the only times when bullies weren't present. I knew very well where each of them lived, and avoided going anywhere near their houses.Journeys to school by school bus were torture. Somehow those bullies always positioned themselves close to me and those poor friends, who sat next to me. Mr VR was one of the worst. The bus bully. Mr's TR and TS were the school classroom bullies. In hindsight I can see Mr. TR was the weaker one, even though in size he was bigger. Without Mr. TS he could not function. Two girls, Miss LM and MO were pretty bad too and both of them totally unable to function without the other one. There are plenty more stories about what these guys did to me and my friends. Name and shame may not really benefit anyone or bring justice after all those years now, but let them just die in their own shame. They are very well aware of what their school years were like.

I am recognizing same pattern now- this is tens of years later and it did not cross my mind that anything like this would reoccur. Bullying. Right now I could kick those kids' asses, tell them where they really and truly belong, but that's because years passed and all of us kind of grew up. I'm not sure if those kids ever really grew up, went to high school, university, became famous..? I doubt that. Few of them were pretty simple and stupid. They probably remained that way.

Situation today resembles of what happened years ago, but adults (or so called adults) have more developed weapons. Verbal, that is as far as it goes, but words hurt too.

We need another survival guide- how to survive bullying at school and work.

The two bullies in the present day world are also very dependent on each other. One feeds the other one. One collects information and delivers the news. The other one whispers and excludes the rest of mere mortals.  That's not how an effective team works unless it's just a two man (or woman) team. In that case it blood well works.

Few more years and these two conquerors will be named and shamed too. My little black notebook is getting more and more exciting information about the "Adventures of The Two Poison Dwarfs". Interesting material for my forthcoming book.

Iceland