May 12, 2014

It's because of that

It is pretty amazing what we all achieve in our lives. It does not need to be anything really very remarkable and whether it is writing a novel or watching a horror movie it's an accomplishment. Some sort of. Not each and every day needs to be full of accomplishments.

My day started quite well. Having had good night and plenty of rest, I thought the day will surely be brilliant. Not so. Seeing some colleagues at work triggers unpleasant sensations. No matter how hard I try, I find it hard even to look at them and I feel I've got to get distance between them and myself. At least they don't smell and it is not really physical unpleasantness in them either.... But it is that bloody awful attitude, that they are on top of the world. They feel they have been treated unfairly and are being bullied, when in fact it's exactly the opposite. Mornings often start with mind-numbing meetings that on a reasonably positive note, but almost end in tears and someone walking out in a hurry. I could do one lousy meeting like that, but had to run away from the one in the afternoon. What sorta boss never gets questioned by the authorities, when the whole department falls into pieces, insults fly from all four corners and employees resign one by one?
My one and only request (it was just ONE, honest. I knew I could have just this ONE) was to change work assignment. Guess what the response was: NO. We touched the subject briefly later, but even then the boss pretended not to have ever discussed any such thing with me. It was her way or highway. I am beginning to reach that highway. Few colleagues more more than willing to discuss change of work assignment, but even that did not save me.
Do I ever feel I am being bullied? Hell yeah I am. Every day. It's an insane epidemic, very much like a known contagious disease.

"Well touch my mouth and hold my tongue
I'll never be your chosen one
I'll be home safe and tucked away
Well you can't tempt me if I don't see the day."
- Mumford&Sons: Broken Crown

Friend of mine, whom I met after work was talking along the same lines. How work sucks at times, how life is hard in general and how he fell asleep right after coming home from work. But considering that these are really minor issues, he said why worry about them that much.
Yes, why worry.
I'll be seeing my doctor tomorrow morning, and I could be on the operating table again on May 21, so in a big scheme of things I think things are really just fine.

My achievement of the day was that I just accepted on some level what was happening, did not start crying, but left the meeting before more harm than good was said and done. It does not mean I will continue to accept the situation. 


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