July 14, 2013

Life without cancer

There is suddenly more capacity to store information in my brain, at least that's what it feels like. Cancer does not occupy my thoughts that much, hardly at all nowadays.
Despite of not having had my post radio iodine six month check-up, I feel good, whole and happy.

Friend of mine in Facebook published pictures of her cancer journey, and it shows cancer can really wreak havoc in your life, turn everything upside down and inside out. All in all it is just garbage that any of us have to deal with cancer. Or any other short or long term illness. Mind you, common cold can be really and truly annoying, if not even disabling.

When that day comes, when we can say we have kicked cancer's butt, everything in life becomes precious and each day feels pretty good. Good to be alive. No matter what disability we may have as a result of cancer crap, we are still there. Tiniest things such as "people" speaking about you behind your back, does not really matter. Their opinions about you and your life don't matter much either. Your safety network is elsewhere, and other people's opinions don't weigh much. Your life is yours and you know what you are made of. I recently found out that "people", who I one considered friends, or at least "good guys", have turned out to be totally different. Talking behind my back, making comments etc, but I could not care less. I just don't. Why would I care about them and their opinions????? Have they ever gone for mandatory cancer journey? No. So why would I care?
Am I scared of them? No way. I can easily tackle this.

Has cancer changed your personality? It has changed mine. I question things and do not accept just anything. Previously I was shy, timid, introvert and did not like going out much. I did not really choose my friends carefully. I worried a lot about future, about tomorrow, about job interviews, finances, doctor appointments.
I still worry, but much less, because I know who I am. I can look myself in the mirror, and know my value. I am definitely more outgoing, selective about people I want to meet and activities I want to do. I am physically and mentally stronger, thanks to crossfit, yoga, riding, healthier food I eat.

I still have days when I feel like wrecked, but I know it will not last forever. I do something I really want to do each day. I probably would have done more or less same with or without cancer, but cancer speeded up the learning process. Wherever I am now, I am meant to be there, but I can certainly control some facts. Time to leave? Move to another continent?
Time will tell.

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