March 19, 2007

Absolute nothing

Endless energy... The local herb, vitamin and mineral store sells Rhodiola, which was recommended in a magazine, can't remember which, not long ago. So every morning when I line up tablets, pills etc that I have been prescribed, Rhodiola is one of them. It will be exciting to see its effects in long term. Alternative medicine..? Well, when I told my doctor about yoga and its benefits, he stood in contemplative silence for a moment, then replied "keep doing it, if it helps". And it does.
It carried me through illness, good times, bad times, it is a real bundle of joy in my life. Wahe Guru.
I failed my drug administration assessment today. But somehow i know it is not the end of the world, just a sign of something better that is already on the way. I will keep on trying. But during the assessment, when I really struggled with the calculations, my dyslexic mind just did not function, numbers 3 and 8 looked the same to me. And I was feeling insecure, swallowing the tears, would not give myself permission to cry. No way.
Afterward when I was having lunch I felt strangely unattached, non-existent, even relieved. Now I know. This 'new person' status is like a stamp on the forehead; stamp that allows others to abuse you, make you feel like an absolute nothing, loser, inadequate. They will not kill you, they just believe the process makes one stronger. Kind of a rinse in a dishwasher. This is work for you, and I stand behind my earlier post that there is a lot of power play and bullying and abuse of colleagues in nursing. Funny enough, the bullies I encountered years ago seem like 'zero', smaller than an ant on the floor. Ant brain, ant body. Absolute nothing.

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