April 25, 2008

Miles away

Daydreaming, of course. I was woken by a nightmare, or a very unpleasant dream this morning about some events years ago. I had joined this group and we traveled to France every summer. Suddenly I no longer wanted to be there with them and wanted to pack and leave. In reality I wanted to leave countless times but I never left. The place where we stayed was quite isolated and you couldn't just take off like that, besides I was committed to stay and see it through come rain or shine. Thinking about the same now- would I cope, climbing a mountain, hiking, yoga etc. I am not in superb athlete condition. It's terrible to think serious illness can almost rob you of your life, and make you so weak and unfit and depressed.
Part of this is wondering when it is going to end, and how. I'm not really thinking about possible metastases every day, but this thought it kind of in the back of my head... some days more, some days less. If I encounter cancer patients at work, it makes me think about my situation (how lucky I was.. according to the doctors..). The scar in my neck is less visible and this morning I wore a necklace! So what?! I've not worn one since I was a little kid, due to the size of my neck, goiter and all this tumor business.
I remember in college in 1992 one of the teachers said I have an "abnormally thick" neck, compared to another student. This student T had a beautiful swan neck- anyone's neck would have looked exceptional next to mine. No hard feelings- teacher's comment now makes me wonder if I've had underactive thyroid all along....?

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