May 27, 2008

Living like normal

Between rock and a hard place. In fact, nothing happened just yet, but when I saw my oncologist today, he asked me to come visit the general hospital tomorrow. Does this make me nervous/upset/scared? or all of the above? Yes, after all I've been through, it surely makes me uncomfortable. Once again, the guilt level rises and this small voice asks me am I not better off than someone who has an incurable dis-ease, be it cancer, heart failure, trauma.. Then multitude of questions start running through my mind, first one is Why me? Did I not love myself, was I too angry, did I eat something unhealthy, did I not look after myself, why cancer, why me? And most importantly; will it come back?
I guess there are no guarantees in this life, apart from death and taxes- and one may be able to avoid taxes too, somehow. But death, no.
By avoiding hospital, health centers, men in white coats, I can pretend it is all over, but I am just cheating myself- sometimes successfully and I manage to take one or two days off from being cancer patient. So tomorrow's visit to the hospital will hopefully be fruitful and produce some positive results. I am hoping to get medication called recombinant TSH (not sure in what form it will be; injection, tablet, liquid..?), this one is a fighter against fatigue, hair loss, weight gain, memory problems that being off Thyroxin would cause. Not necessarily all these symptoms, but I'd need to be off Thyroxin for 4 weeks prior to thyroid scan and possible radioactive iodine treatment.
I say "possible", because I've not yet made up my mind about any further treatment. According to the oncologist, I have an excellent prognosis, assuming I remain compliant with the treatment plan.
I've lost count how many times I've felt like throwing this treatment plan into a garbage bin, setting it on fire. Treatment garbage, treatment sucks, treatment is shit, whatever my doc suggested me one time, I said NO, NO and NO. Had enough, give me a break. Imagine sending cancer itself into a shredder or shoot it with a Kalashnikov.
But if I could somehoe find the courage to go to hospital tomorrow, just this once..

1 comment:

Hilary Cable said...

You're in my prayers. Hope you get good news when you go back for your consultation.