August 26, 2008
August 14, 2008
Quiet Day
Do you ever wonder how your life will be a year from now?
Will you be sitting on the same chair typing the same message, will you be more grateful of what you have then?
Questions that need to be answered- but the answers may arrive next year. Maybe never. This year, this time, right now I am watching my cat Casper sleeping, so comfortable, so much at ease. On TV there is a movie called “Vacancy”. In the magazine in front of me there is an article about Lara Flynn Boyle and her weight loss.. She’s very much like a skeleton, part of admires her, professional part of me think “hmmmm.. Did she go to far..?” and the rest of me thinks it’s her life after all. One is fat, another one just about normal (and what is “normal” then..?!?), and the third one doesn’t really care at all. And then there are people, who just live their life and accept themselves as they are.
We never know when exactly all this will end. Is there a life after this one, or something even better..? Will I spend the rest of my days with the one I love?
Can he answer these questions for me? Why is it so complicated at times? Life is like a flow of a river, show goes on, water flows, time runs out.
I am incredibly grateful of the things I have today; my life, my health, my family and friends, and this guy I love. And The Cat..
Will you be sitting on the same chair typing the same message, will you be more grateful of what you have then?
Questions that need to be answered- but the answers may arrive next year. Maybe never. This year, this time, right now I am watching my cat Casper sleeping, so comfortable, so much at ease. On TV there is a movie called “Vacancy”. In the magazine in front of me there is an article about Lara Flynn Boyle and her weight loss.. She’s very much like a skeleton, part of admires her, professional part of me think “hmmmm.. Did she go to far..?” and the rest of me thinks it’s her life after all. One is fat, another one just about normal (and what is “normal” then..?!?), and the third one doesn’t really care at all. And then there are people, who just live their life and accept themselves as they are.
We never know when exactly all this will end. Is there a life after this one, or something even better..? Will I spend the rest of my days with the one I love?
Can he answer these questions for me? Why is it so complicated at times? Life is like a flow of a river, show goes on, water flows, time runs out.
I am incredibly grateful of the things I have today; my life, my health, my family and friends, and this guy I love. And The Cat..
August 13, 2008
This is life
One of those days..
"We are on this planet to love each other, to serve each other and to uplift each other. We have come to this earth to give, not to take. Give and you willbe given virtues. And that will give you God."
- Yogi Bhajan
Look into the eyes of my dog and tell me what you see. Wisdom, compassion, kindness, innnocence, happiness? This picture brings hope, when I have had one of those days at work or elsewhere in life.. One of those days when I've not felt so happy, uplifted, inspired.. Tomorrow will come. Love will come.
August 08, 2008
Work is the worst
Can't stand this. Work is shit, especially today. Most often I am grateful I have work, I am employed by someone, work gives my days structure and an opportunity for socializing. Work is usually ok. No brilliant, not highlight of my day, but bearable. Today wasn't so. In fact last two days have been frustrating and there are few people getting on my nerves, seriously.
Example: take a sucessful lawyer, who has been in the same job for years and years. Or a cook, who has been preparing the same pork chops and mashed potatoes and chocolate mousse for years and years. Then go to them and start telling them how to do there job. Don't put salt in there, not that much. Don't burn the food. Don't do this, don't do that, now you've spoiled the whole dish by adding too much butter into the mashed potatoes.
Don't put too much sugar into mousse. Don't serve it like that, what are you thinking, who'd wanna touch that now..?!?
What would the cook say? F.. off, leave me in peace and don't tell me what to do.
Lawyer? Don't present the case like that of this criminal will never be sentenced? Overruled. The jury will never believe you and your closing argument, this creep will walk free ... What did ya just do, asked all the wrong questions? You didn't prepare well for this case. You lost, loser!!!
In my job- I thought I was quite capable, quite skilled, even talented, but it seems IMPOSSIBLE to be talented or use your skills in nursing. No other profession treats one another like this. I feel like a loser today, feel like a newly graduated totally junior inexperienced novice- can't even push the patient's bed into the right position, can't feed a patient in a right way, can't draw up drugs. Can't, don't, won't, shouldn't, wouldn't. What a load of crap.
Here today, gone tomorrow.
One day I work in my own area, my own little kingdom and feel like king of a castle. Another day I am being thrown into a new unit, where my skills and qualifications don't mean shit to anyone. This is so tiring, so irritating. And I do feel abused too, good enough for pushing beds around (yeah that is when I can do it in a CORRECT way), turning patients, fetching this and that and whatever. Yeah whatever, I don't give a shit either. I care about my patients, they are not to be blamed, but good old colleagues- this happens all over the world- is it jealousy, do they think of me a threat..? Do they really this I am useless, good enough to be abused, disliked?
Not everyone is the same, there are some with a good heart.. but those bad ones give this profession a real bad name and I hate days like this.
Example: take a sucessful lawyer, who has been in the same job for years and years. Or a cook, who has been preparing the same pork chops and mashed potatoes and chocolate mousse for years and years. Then go to them and start telling them how to do there job. Don't put salt in there, not that much. Don't burn the food. Don't do this, don't do that, now you've spoiled the whole dish by adding too much butter into the mashed potatoes.
Don't put too much sugar into mousse. Don't serve it like that, what are you thinking, who'd wanna touch that now..?!?
What would the cook say? F.. off, leave me in peace and don't tell me what to do.
Lawyer? Don't present the case like that of this criminal will never be sentenced? Overruled. The jury will never believe you and your closing argument, this creep will walk free ... What did ya just do, asked all the wrong questions? You didn't prepare well for this case. You lost, loser!!!
In my job- I thought I was quite capable, quite skilled, even talented, but it seems IMPOSSIBLE to be talented or use your skills in nursing. No other profession treats one another like this. I feel like a loser today, feel like a newly graduated totally junior inexperienced novice- can't even push the patient's bed into the right position, can't feed a patient in a right way, can't draw up drugs. Can't, don't, won't, shouldn't, wouldn't. What a load of crap.
Here today, gone tomorrow.
One day I work in my own area, my own little kingdom and feel like king of a castle. Another day I am being thrown into a new unit, where my skills and qualifications don't mean shit to anyone. This is so tiring, so irritating. And I do feel abused too, good enough for pushing beds around (yeah that is when I can do it in a CORRECT way), turning patients, fetching this and that and whatever. Yeah whatever, I don't give a shit either. I care about my patients, they are not to be blamed, but good old colleagues- this happens all over the world- is it jealousy, do they think of me a threat..? Do they really this I am useless, good enough to be abused, disliked?
Not everyone is the same, there are some with a good heart.. but those bad ones give this profession a real bad name and I hate days like this.
August 05, 2008
Dedicated to the one I love
You are the one, you are perfect, you are kind. Easy to talk to. Fun. Compassionate. Friend I needed, lover I wanted. My life. One day, i hope we can travel, be who we are, be ourselves, have fun, spend time together. Let's go and see this landscape for real. Let's go to the Maldives, go diving. To the beach, relax in the sun. Feel the sun, like we feel the love that surrounds us. To Iceland, let me teach you how to ride Iceland horses and ponies. To the wilderness of Montana, and to the winter wonderland in Alaska. Climb each and every mountain, never give up on each other, never forget where we met. Stay with me. i love you forever.
August 01, 2008
Reading my mind
Try reading my mind today and all you see is white noise.
"Salvation does not come from the sight of me. It demands strenous effort and practice so work hard and seek for your own salvation constantly".
- Buddha
Trying to read his mind too, is impossible. Sometimes I sense some of his thoughts, fleeting disappearing moment, then they are gone. Faster than the speed of light. So many questions need to be answered- just one question granted, what would it be? There are so many. Millions of questions, thousands of words to say. Loving someone else, saying the words I love you and .. that's it.
When I once fell in love before, seems like ages ago now, in the Jurassic era or something.. I did not hesitate saying it, the words i love you. It took Him three months more to say those words and by then I had realized it was no love, it was lust, obsession, addiction, prostitution. No love there, no room for love. This time it was Him, another one, new one, who said the words. At first as a text message (I love this modern technology!), on the following day on the phone (safe distance away, this marvellous technology..) and then face to face.
This man, he is an angel. Gorgeous, beautiful human being. Kind, compassionate. Peaceful, smiling disposition, great wicked fun sense of humor. He is perfect- in my eyes, in my mind. The words I love you.. Yes, I learned them too in 11 different languages, but only one is enough for us. Je t'aime, te quiero, ich liebe dich, i love you.
Where is he now? In my heart, and he will stay there forever.
I am very very grateful for all the opportunities in the past, when I was given a chance to learn. And for this one precious chance to learn how to love.
"Salvation does not come from the sight of me. It demands strenous effort and practice so work hard and seek for your own salvation constantly".
- Buddha
Trying to read his mind too, is impossible. Sometimes I sense some of his thoughts, fleeting disappearing moment, then they are gone. Faster than the speed of light. So many questions need to be answered- just one question granted, what would it be? There are so many. Millions of questions, thousands of words to say. Loving someone else, saying the words I love you and .. that's it.
When I once fell in love before, seems like ages ago now, in the Jurassic era or something.. I did not hesitate saying it, the words i love you. It took Him three months more to say those words and by then I had realized it was no love, it was lust, obsession, addiction, prostitution. No love there, no room for love. This time it was Him, another one, new one, who said the words. At first as a text message (I love this modern technology!), on the following day on the phone (safe distance away, this marvellous technology..) and then face to face.
This man, he is an angel. Gorgeous, beautiful human being. Kind, compassionate. Peaceful, smiling disposition, great wicked fun sense of humor. He is perfect- in my eyes, in my mind. The words I love you.. Yes, I learned them too in 11 different languages, but only one is enough for us. Je t'aime, te quiero, ich liebe dich, i love you.
Where is he now? In my heart, and he will stay there forever.
I am very very grateful for all the opportunities in the past, when I was given a chance to learn. And for this one precious chance to learn how to love.
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