Living without cancer

People often ask me how I feel now, as a recovered cancer patient? These are not the specific words they use, but something along the line. Every time it is still a surprise, depending on my my mood how I answer. I've even denied the fact I ever had cancer and why not, there are no scars or old injuries to be seen unless you know where to look. Most people don't bother. How do I feel?
Happy, delighted, ecstatic, relieved, stressed (yes, after the questions start, I do feel stressed and annoyed), angry, bored..? I usually just say I'm fine, thanks (hahaaa depends of course my mood).

How did I get cancer in the first place? Does it just appear like that, like a flu? Or was I exposed to post-Chernobyl conditions in 1986? Why me? How do I live now- is my life somehow meaningless and empty without clinic appointments, operations, blood tests, scans..?
No way. I don't know how I got cancer, but all I know I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis and an underactive thyroid in 2001 and since then it has been a constant battle with hair loss, weight gain and loss, fatigue, depression, brittle nails, dry skin, endless fatigue.... Mostly a downhill journey. Iyengar yoga arrived as a rescue in early 2002 and after just a couple yoga classes I felt 100% better- compared to what I felt weeks before yoga. I thought it was a miracle cure, one without medical intervention and it was always a pleasure to see my Dr's face when he asked what "miracle" medication I am on. No meds, just yoga.
It was often an endless battle between me and the Dr, help "should" (remove this word from the vocabulary, it stinks and sounds so so negative) be sought from traditional medications, not from this weird alternative stuff.
Years after, from one continent to another, years in the UK, France, the Middle East, I qualified as Kundalini Yoga Teacher in 2006. One of the best moments in my life, by Guru's grace. These years were healing, but not in any way kind at the beginning. One step forward, one back, all the emotions were there and until I learned to recognize them and deal with them, not just hide the in a closet, only then some progress was made. Meditating once in candle light for 2.5 hours, I did not believe I had progressed at all, but those hours ended as always and not everything was the same day after.
Awareness..
At first it felt unbearable, this constant alertness, feeling of a flow. Seeing everything in more detail. Trees, landscapes, animals, lakes- nature in general. Cardboard boxes and concrete buildings were lifeless. Organic food began to taste delicious. Breathwalk came into my life (see www.breathwalk.com or more details) and Albuterol inhaler soon belonged to the past. Lots of these things. Natural methods of healing.

Again, years later, I was awoken by a feeling that something in my body is not right. Years of healing, years of unhealthy diet and lack of exercise, years before yoga and the newly developed awareness brought my life into standstill. Numerous tests followed soon after; thyroid scan, ultrasound and three painful biopsies and blood tests later the diagnosis was clear. To me, yes. To the clueless Dr it was not clear at all. I knew, i knew right away.
September 2007: the first operation and the diagnosis was clear- even to the stubborn Dr.
January 2008: the second op, and it was finally clear. Life continues without the thyroid and several lymph nodes.

Life is ok, I feel fine. Every day is precious, even when work sucks big time, even when I have failed to meditate and do my daily exercise. One day is a misery for someone, delight for another one.

Life after cancer, even fearing a recurrence, is ok. I ride my horse, chat with my cat and feel things on a much deeper level. My compassion is not endless, not towards myself, even though I am much kinder now. Something tells me I know how I got this cancer- it was when I invited it in, to stay in my body, when the circumstances were too much to handle and i needed an escape. Anger gives you cancer- this is what I remember Yogi Bhajan saying. True, I was furious, not angry.
Can cancer then release this anger? Feeling so ill, vulnerable, lonely, cancer is not a good company. Thoughts of rescuing myself, but how.. Under the knife, medications and life long investigations, scans, tablets, injections. There is no way you can say you know, because you don't know how I felt then. No one did. One cancer experience is not the same as the textbook experience.
Chernobyl might have played a part, as well as my work in "radioactive" environment. Family history- maybe. The Gulf War, maybe.

Life goes on, one day at the time. Today may not be so good, so full of sunshine, not enough sympathy, but tomorrow may be better. I need to remind myself abot this. Cancer may belong to the past, but part of the experience remains. I have been cautious to say these words, but there must have been something that yoga taught me, and this "something" (awareness?) saved my life.

Life up in the Alps certainly brought many experiences and plenty of fresh air and I am grateful for those weeks I spent in France. It was never easy, but I always came back feeling truly happy. Is there a better place for yoga in this world? In my childhood I read about these yoga "masters" and saw pictures about incredibly flexible bodies. Me and my horseback riding body type, "yoga ain't for me". So you cannot know what life brings. Without yoga I probably would not be here. Without my job I wouldn't be working in the Middle East, in Europe, in Asia.
It is safe to say I would not have met the man I love, if it wasn't for the scar in my neck. Without that we wouldn't have had anything to talk about.

I can live without cancer, I was having challenging time living with it, but it was after all part of life and part of the learning process. One completed cycle in the washing machine.

Awake...at 11am

What a relief, day off.. many plans, but then as always I end up sleeping late and half of the day is gone. No matter, day at work have been so busy recently and days off are the only days for cathing up with lost sleep, rest.. and trying to keep the house tidy. I live in the midst of a mess.
Sitting here, enjoying the +30 c something temperature, eating almonds, listening to BBC World news, updating the weblog.. What could be more fun on a day off? Aaaahhh.. sleeping of course- and spending time with my man... and so many other things..

Looking forward to my next vacation- to Europe in November. And again, to Europe, via Asia, in January. And of course these occasional days in the Gulf countries- yes count me in. Travel is fun, but finding a reasonably priced 4 star hotel is not. And when The Man travels next year, I intend to be there with him, if not the whole month, at least a week.

13:48

13 minutes, 48 seconds, this is how long I lasted on a treadmill. How unfit I am, how did this happen.. the price of laziness, illness.. New day, new chance tomorrow. I'll keep on trying.

See the colors

"Through selfless service, you will always be fruitful and find the fulfillment of your desires- this is the promise of the creator."
- Bhagavad-Gita

It is here!

Just when you think it's all ok, it's just that.
More questions, less answers, and feeling that you can be happy with this. Acceptance, that whatever is one its way, is ok too.
You read someone else's weblog, thinking that this person really and truly nailed it. They could be your words, your life.
My million dollar (or riyal) question is: had the cancer returned? I've been feeling so.. it cannot be explained, but I felt the same before. This feeling is there, in the back of my mind and it can't and does not allow ignorance. But no more needles, no more medications, no more stupid policies and procedures. I've had enough. Today is ok, tomorrow too, I'm still here.

Long road ahead

This one's on the causeway somewhere between Saudi Arabia and Bahrain. I have always been fascinated by bridges and other huge structures- I could not have become an architect or anything like that, because I was lousy at maths, physics, chemistry.. I was dyslexic and still am, but can admire people who plan, draw, build stuff.
Causeway can be an annoyance too, long queues on certain weekdays and nights... My record is 2 hours on the causeway. Still, it is more exciting than crossing the English Channel on a boat in a bad weather. Good old bridge, which links Bahrain to the "mainland".

Casper

Meet Casper, the cat.

Prayer for you

This is a paradise. Just a day or two there is enough to rejuvenate and recharge- this is the Ritz-Carlton in Bahrain.
I am updating my cancer group page in facebook- join in; it is called Cancer Survivors- Celebrate Life!!

Beauty