Insults

Some people are just incredible. They don't even know you, yet they feel it's their birthright to make comments about your appearance, weight, BMI ratio, make-up (or lack of), clothes, how you walk and talk. Insults fly from one corner to another and there is always like-minded person, who joins in. I know a girl, who was told she is fat and next day she stopped eating. She actually had a very athletic body, it was just the scale and the person, who operated the scale that caused this huge misunderstanding. Three or four months later there was nothing much of this previously healthy and happy girl. She lost all muscle mass, that tiny bit of fat she still had had, and turned into an anorectic skeleton. The scale operator had no words, when she saw the girl that time. Thank God the girl still had it in her and she told the stupid scale operator AKA school nurse that she was the one to blame for the massive weight loss. Few careless words was all it took.
Well that girl definitely was not me, because I have no willpower to stop eating and I'd not want to, because I love my food. I've also been told numerous times about my size and shape, even thought I fit in majority of 12-14 clothes. Too small, too tall, too heavy, too whatever. There is always someone ready to criticize, you can count on that. There is always a comeback too: I pull my "cancer card" out and tell them to get a life, or get cancer like I once did. Did you just undergo a major operation? Hell yeah. Were you bullied at school? I was. Were you bullied at work? Yes. Are you a cancer survivor? Yes. Can you ignore those insults and let them fly over your head into God only knows where? Absolutely. I can.
I try to avoid making assumptions about people's IQ, their manners and nature related to their outer appearance. It's just not something that correlates very well. You never know what is happening in that person's life right there and then. One insult from your mouth can be the one that destroys that person's life. If it does, shame on you and all of us, who let that happen. Animals don't do this, why do humans have to?
Of course I have insulted people in various ways. I've been rude, annoying, in a bad mood, depressed, non-talkative. I've said multiple wrong words and then was left wondering where I went wrong. Instant feedback such as kick in the butt would do it, then I would know when I have flown off the handle. I don't go out on purpose looking at people, wondering if I consider them normal or fat or too skinny.
I definitely have called people idiots or stupid and something even worse. Straight into their faces, if it was very very necessary and would have possibly saved my life. Or something as serious as that. In traffic, when someone drives like a maniac I think it is well justified if one wants to shout abuse as long as they don't take it out in the open.
It's difficult to take words back once they have been said, so I tend to keep my mouth shut. It will never cease to amaze me how insulting others is like a daily bread for some. That's when it's good to remember the centuries old adage: "What goes around, comes around".

Iceland revisited

More hazards...

I thought I'd not have to bring up traffic issues, driving behaviors etc anymore, but how wrong I was. It's disgusting how people drive. Not everyone, some are brilliant drivers. This time it's just from the point of view of someone, who walks every day.
I walk 4-5km, takes me less than an hour in an ideal world. Would it not be those speeding cars and those, who feel there is no need to use the signal, so that others have to keep on guessing where this person and his massive SUV are about to turn. Even pedestrian crossings don't help in saving poor walker's life. When I first started walking again after the operation, I found a route around the block, on the sidewalk and there was no need to cross the road. I was safe.. so I thought anyway. A so-called taxi service car tried to kill me on one of those crosswalks today. I could not read the driver AKA idiot's mind and he was about to turn right, when I was in the middle of the road. Just inches to spare. I saw his face, but did not get the license plate number. Another vehicle full of "employees" of some company signaled right, but because I was already on my way and crossing the road, couple of steps short of the sidewalk, I thought I could just carry on. These guys in their old crappy pick-up take the turn on two wheels and almost roll over. Slowing down would have been the best option. Well, that;'s just my opinion.

Then I realized I can walk further and further each day. Mistake. Multiply these incidents I described above by three, and you get the picture: no one wants to slow down. That makes me want to scream and take a photo of the offending vehicle+driver. Yeah and call the police.

Another thing: headlights. I don't know how this is related to color of the car, but it seems the darker the color, the less likelihood that the headlights are on. It must be an awful challenge to switch those lights on or not knowing where/how to switch the lights on. Ask your neighbor.

These are the reasons that adds up to 15 minutes to my walk, but each time I am glad I am back home in one piece. It's definitely a worry now that days get darker so soon, but drivers don't realize there are few things for them to do. People, who walk outside, will have to think about their safety very carefully. Be visible in traffic and practice defensive walking. I guess those who run, can get out of the way much faster.

After hysterectomy

I begin to remember some events from the hospital, from under the cloud of mind altering substances.
- Time was slipping by.
- Some people came to see me. I guess I said I was ok. Ok all the time.
- Bumped into two doctors I know in the corridor. I was still under influence and can't remember what I said in response to unsaid questions of "how are you" and "what an earth happened to you".
- Friend of mine brought me flowers and chocolate. I don't remember a word I said to her. 
I hope I said "thank you" at least.
- In the following morning I was asked to sit down on the chair next to my bed. I was in no mood for debate, and said NO. This was infuriating. Not with Foley catheter and that damn pack still in place. Nurse with good intentions and negotiation skills disappeared into thin air. I think I took another dose of MSO4 wishing to sleep.
- Injection of Enoxaparin: by now lesson had been learned and no one engaged into deeper conversation with me. Injection was destined to land in my thigh, not anywhere near abdomen. Because I said so.
- Pain management nurse and her entourage appeared from nowhere later in the morning. A member of entourage asked me what book I was reading, what language was it. Icelandic dude.
- The very best moment was when I went home. I can't remember how I got in to my friend's car (walked, yes, I think I did) and how we got back to my house, but we made it in one piece.

Piece of cake, I think now, because time has passed and memories fade. It was not easy, fun, comfortable. It was bearable, because of painkillers. They kept coming, I did not have to ask. Two days in hospital was not bad, and I spent the first day laying in bed anyway in various states of consciousness. Not something I want to repeat any time soon. Life as patient in hospital is not life. It's a miserable existence

Iceland again

Hysterectomy survival guide 1 1/2

Ouch.
Things are going uphill right now and I would say try to get out of hospital as soon as you can. Healing happens at home.
Healing does not happen, if you try to do too much. Listen to the advice of your doctor, he/she did not give them for no reason. On some days it has been a struggle to stop myself from driving and going shopping. Then I remember I should not be carrying much, so there is no point going anywhere. This is the time to depend on other people and not refuse any help. If someone wants to take you grocery shopping, go and say thank you.
If you have no one at home, then it is vital you have friend/neighbor or someone to come in case of an emergency.
Things I wish I had known before hysterectomy: Food. Preparing meals beforehand is a fab idea, but what if those meals aren't what you want after operation. You can't just grab a heavy saucepan and prepare something you want. Solution is enlist help of your family/friends, who are probably more than willing cook for you. My appetite was not the same at all and I had to force something down. Something that contains a lot of fiber is good, Drink plenty of water too.
Medications. They will probably give you painkiller (a must!), laxative (another must) and something else to take home from hospital. So there I was, with five glass bottles of laxatives. Heavy load to carry for my poor friend, who took me home. Take the meds. I had so much trouble with bowel function for days and days, even though I took laxatives as prescribed. Never mind the yucky sweet taste of Lactulose. Finally, day 3 or 4, combination of oatmeal, lots of water, prunes, peppermint tea and yucky laxative liquid, something began to happen. Bowel function is still not back to normal and I am having to take laxatives every second day now and hope for the best. Another thing is a reminder about painkillers; take them. Do NOT be in pain. Pain makes you miserable, frustrated and slows down the healing process. It also makes you want to break stuff. Pain is lethal and it should not exist. Pain simply sucks. But don't be afraid of pain. All I got from hospital was Tramadol (which I did not really need, but it was nice as back-up option) and Ibuprofen, which I took. Then ended up taking just Panadol 500mg twice or three times daily. In hospital pain was treated with Morphine, which was totally awesome, but made me itch.
Sleep. In the early days sleep as much as you need. Other stuff can wait. If you can't sleep, wait until you can or take sleeping tablet. I took some in hospital, and that tiny little tablet helped a great deal. Nothing wrong in taking one to help you sleep. Sleep during the day too, in-between activities. Prepare for some weird dreams too, as you begin healing. I've had few and woke up feeling great.. until it was time to really get up.
Peer support. I did not know anyone, who had had exactly the same operation, so I could not really get any information. What's the pain like, is there any pain at all. What can I do at home?  What can I eat to heal better? When can I start sport activities? There are thank God a couple of nice support groups in the Internet and you can join at least one of them free. Keep searching. Google will help.
Other worries. I've had so many that I've lost count. Crying, being frustrated and angry that I am too tired of doing what I want, my usual daily activities. I've been worried about sneezing, coughing, spotting, pain, sleep, exercise, follow-up appointment and I got practically no information about these. I was a bit spaced out in hospital so I don't remember much, even if someone had explained these things to me. Booklet, A4 paper, whatever would have been awesome, but I don't remember reading anything. I was told to show up for my follow-up appointment, in about 6 weeks or so. Try explaining this to patients, who've just come out of anesthesia and are on narcotic meds. Try.

When I overcame pain, bowel issues and fatigue, I found that there are actually things I can do around the house. Just inside the house really, apart from short walks outside. I've been reading a lot, watched TV each and every day, slept in, ate something nice every day (yes, ice cream, chocolate and stuff like that and sometimes not at all in moderation). I've caught up with lots of nice movies and series I have wanted to see for a long time. "The Lone Ranger", "Purge", "Midnight in Paris", "Over The Hedge", "The Leftovers", "Supernatural", Top Gear UK" etc. List goes on and on. I found that I can't sit for a very long periods of time, but it's best to sit and lay down on the sofa. And walk of course...
Walks outside have been great in many ways. They keep me connected to outside world and when I take the dog with me, people sometimes stop for a chat. The Dog was a concern at the beginning; would he walk ok without pulling me on the ground. Once I had to release him, because he got overly excited about scent somewhere and decided to attempt new 100 meter world record. I let him go, thought I'd not take a chance with my internal incision. Usually I just ask him to wait, and repeat this several times, then he knows he has to wait and he knows I can't walk as fast as I did once. What's the point overdoing it and walking fast anyway? I'd not want to miss all the scenery and people.
If and when I overdo it, I get spotting and feel a bit like an inflated balloon.

I have the best days when I get to sleep at night. Then I don't need to take a nap during days anymore. This is Day 12 after my operation and I am doing reasonably well, but trying to be compliant with all instructions (which I did not really get or just did not retain the info) drives me crazy.

Bottomline is that hysterectomy is one of the major surgeries. Do it, if you have no other choice and I'm really talking about elective surgery, like me was. If you have time in your hands before surgery, try to eat well and exercise, you'll be in a better shape during and after surgery. I had laparoscopic gallbladder removal in 2008, diagnosis was delayed (chest pain, heart attack..?), I was on IV antibiotics and was in horrible pain and days prior to the operation. Finally I had to beg these peeps to operate or I'd run away from hospital. That was something. Crap! Compared to gallbladder experience, this surgery was really quite easy on me. I'd not have said something like this week ago, but goes to show things change, onions change, time passes and human mind forgets.
Huge reward, if everything goes fine, is saying good bye to prolapse, fibroids, heavy periods etc.

Sick leave is meant for recovering, not for big renovation project in the house. It's meant for thinking, sleeping, resting, reading, watching TV, surfing the Internet, updating your blog or starting one, eating and taking your meds. You'll get there, eventually, just like I did.

More to come...