November 29, 2013
November 25, 2013
Another reason to be grateful
Waiting for someone, who never came. Waiting for something to happen, that never did. It's so hard when there is someone or something that we so desperately want and it is all in vain.
Then I read the blog http://www2.mdanderson.org/cancerwise/2013/11/aml-survivor-my-road-to-recovery.html (link also below) where Erika Evans writes about her experience and recovery from leukemia. She says she used to look out of the window and wishing she could trade places with another person outside.
Oh. I feel bad now. Real bad. My patience really needs to stretch a bit further and if I could just remember there may be someone who would trade places with me, no matter how miserable my life feels right now.
I'm saying nothing about my day last week, when I accidentally broke my alarm clock in the morning. Later on that day I discovered that I could not switch on my Nokia cellphone- on/off button was stuck! It still is. Printer was malfunctioning too, but what is this really compared to spending days in hospital being unable to eat, bathe, get out of the bed at all.
Then I read the blog http://www2.mdanderson.org/cancerwise/2013/11/aml-survivor-my-road-to-recovery.html (link also below) where Erika Evans writes about her experience and recovery from leukemia. She says she used to look out of the window and wishing she could trade places with another person outside.
Oh. I feel bad now. Real bad. My patience really needs to stretch a bit further and if I could just remember there may be someone who would trade places with me, no matter how miserable my life feels right now.
I'm saying nothing about my day last week, when I accidentally broke my alarm clock in the morning. Later on that day I discovered that I could not switch on my Nokia cellphone- on/off button was stuck! It still is. Printer was malfunctioning too, but what is this really compared to spending days in hospital being unable to eat, bathe, get out of the bed at all.
November 23, 2013
November 22, 2013
Thyroid cancer revisited
List of unwelcome people, life events that suck and general needless stuff is endless. Cancer tops the list and will always have its safe Top 10 spot. Year ago I was undergoing series of tests (yes, those that have no end in sight) and was preparing two thyroid whole body scans and the radioactive iodine treatment. Year older and wiser now I can say it was "not that bad". Not nearly as bad as when compared to leukemia treatment. Not as bad as having long term illness that has no good prognosis, ever.
But yes, of course it sucks. People around me had to watch me turning into a monster: all my favorite foods were on "banned" list, and lack of Synthroid just made me look like .. well, a monster. Puffy face cookie monster. Not horror movie kind of monster. Good thing was that it was gradual, not an overnight change. I did not really see- or want to see- anything being wrong. Mornings were hard, as if I had eaten junk food and been binge drinking and had not recovered from hangover. There is nothing make-up can't fix, so I thought, and since thyroid hormone was on a very low level in my blood, I was happy. Felt quite normal (tired normal) and drove to work.
It's only when I got there, I literally wanted to lie down on the floor and not get up at all. It was cold all the time, so I thought. When my menstrual period came (I so wish it had not!), I did not know whether the bleeding would ever stop. I did not even want to get up and walk for the fear that I would just bleed and bleed. No one warns you about these things- if someone did, or if I read it in somewhere, that information was long gone at the time when I needed it. So, in case it happens to you ladies, you know now.
Forewarned is forearmed. Don't worry if you forget, just go home and rest. Well, after the RAI, my period disappeared for four months. Fabulous. For the first time in years my hemoglobin was somewhere above 12.
Comparative study moment: which is worse; being off Synthroid or having to stick to low-iodine diet? Easy one!
If I was off my meds, but could still eat whatever I fancied...
If I was on my meds, but had to become low-iodine kitchen guru...
Both have their ups and downs. I'd go for the 2nd option.
Where is the third option- meds, diet and THYROGEN?
I've really not read many positive experiences being on Synthroid. Low iodine diet works for some ( I guess it's either that or starve). I don't spend much time in kitchen, but asked people their thoughts about low-iodine cooking. Completely eliminating salt was useful when my face started getting puffy (that is when I realized it was happening. Colleagues said later that no amount of make-up, cucumber face-masks and others could cover the damage). There were days, more toward the end, when I felt like one wrong word could start a war if I don't get the taste of that particular food I want. The truth is one bite would not have been enough. Yes, I remember having spaghetti and garlic bread once (twice...? but since underactive thyroid gland causes memory lapses..), and ate them without any guilt feelings. Nearly licked the plate so I could get all the sauce.
Year later I don't know if any research has been done about low-iodine diet- is it really the key to the success of RAI? Despite of my spaghetti dinner, RAI in my case was successful. Thyrogen still isn't available everywhere, and I would be so reluctant to have any scans done now without Thyrogen.
In hindsight it all sounds so easy. Should have done this, that etc. One thing is for sure: without support from family and friends it is much harder so do your best and don't push them away.
Today is a good day. I have not thought about cancer at all. I've not stood in front of the mirror examining the scar in my neck, because it is barely visible. I haven't talked about cancer, because it's not part of me and I've conquered one of my biggest fears.
Isn't that what they say: "Cancer, you chose the wrong bitch!"
But yes, of course it sucks. People around me had to watch me turning into a monster: all my favorite foods were on "banned" list, and lack of Synthroid just made me look like .. well, a monster. Puffy face cookie monster. Not horror movie kind of monster. Good thing was that it was gradual, not an overnight change. I did not really see- or want to see- anything being wrong. Mornings were hard, as if I had eaten junk food and been binge drinking and had not recovered from hangover. There is nothing make-up can't fix, so I thought, and since thyroid hormone was on a very low level in my blood, I was happy. Felt quite normal (tired normal) and drove to work.
It's only when I got there, I literally wanted to lie down on the floor and not get up at all. It was cold all the time, so I thought. When my menstrual period came (I so wish it had not!), I did not know whether the bleeding would ever stop. I did not even want to get up and walk for the fear that I would just bleed and bleed. No one warns you about these things- if someone did, or if I read it in somewhere, that information was long gone at the time when I needed it. So, in case it happens to you ladies, you know now.
Forewarned is forearmed. Don't worry if you forget, just go home and rest. Well, after the RAI, my period disappeared for four months. Fabulous. For the first time in years my hemoglobin was somewhere above 12.
Comparative study moment: which is worse; being off Synthroid or having to stick to low-iodine diet? Easy one!
If I was off my meds, but could still eat whatever I fancied...
If I was on my meds, but had to become low-iodine kitchen guru...
Both have their ups and downs. I'd go for the 2nd option.
Where is the third option- meds, diet and THYROGEN?
I've really not read many positive experiences being on Synthroid. Low iodine diet works for some ( I guess it's either that or starve). I don't spend much time in kitchen, but asked people their thoughts about low-iodine cooking. Completely eliminating salt was useful when my face started getting puffy (that is when I realized it was happening. Colleagues said later that no amount of make-up, cucumber face-masks and others could cover the damage). There were days, more toward the end, when I felt like one wrong word could start a war if I don't get the taste of that particular food I want. The truth is one bite would not have been enough. Yes, I remember having spaghetti and garlic bread once (twice...? but since underactive thyroid gland causes memory lapses..), and ate them without any guilt feelings. Nearly licked the plate so I could get all the sauce.
Year later I don't know if any research has been done about low-iodine diet- is it really the key to the success of RAI? Despite of my spaghetti dinner, RAI in my case was successful. Thyrogen still isn't available everywhere, and I would be so reluctant to have any scans done now without Thyrogen.
In hindsight it all sounds so easy. Should have done this, that etc. One thing is for sure: without support from family and friends it is much harder so do your best and don't push them away.
Today is a good day. I have not thought about cancer at all. I've not stood in front of the mirror examining the scar in my neck, because it is barely visible. I haven't talked about cancer, because it's not part of me and I've conquered one of my biggest fears.
Isn't that what they say: "Cancer, you chose the wrong bitch!"
November 19, 2013
November 16, 2013
Near misses in traffic
Once again traffic safety drives me into writing, pun intended. Nothing else matters to some ignorant idiots out there, it's them and just them on the road. Nothing slows them down. Hey, wait, scene of accident does. That always invites curious onlookers, who liken it to Broadway performance. Once the scene has been passed in safety of person's own car, seatbelted of course, headlights on, car in good repair, journey can go on 150km/h.
Highway or not.
It amazes me that not even the fact that unfortunate family members, friends and colleagues, who fall into victims of car accidents, do not teach lessons to speeding drivers. Kids still do not get their own car seats, and seat belts are considered unnecessary. 130km/h speed is nothing really and speed limits, well, who needs those.
Paying fine and jail sentence are all good as punishment. Losing drivers license may not really have any effect, because driver is always a driver, and will jump into the first car they see. Theirs or someone else's. How about arranging a visit to the city morgue and or intensive care unit? Rehab center? Voluntary work in all of the above? What really is the most effective punishment to such crime?
Driving home each afternoon along two lane busy road is a frightening experience at least once a week. I was on the left hand lane last week, wanting to drive straight. Another driver next to me desperately wanted the same lane, but could/would not use the indicator, and wanted to turn left. Well good for him that my passenger noticed and I let him pass, but not without showing HIM the well-known international finger symbol. Man, he wanted to make U-turn! And never ever heard of indicator. What sort of driving school did these people attend? This is a very typical near miss that happens every day. Then there are those driving inches away from your rear bumper, those who can't decide which lane they want. And those, that drive 30km/h in rush hour traffic. And ancient old motorbikes. Bicycles.. Sigh.
Highway or not.
It amazes me that not even the fact that unfortunate family members, friends and colleagues, who fall into victims of car accidents, do not teach lessons to speeding drivers. Kids still do not get their own car seats, and seat belts are considered unnecessary. 130km/h speed is nothing really and speed limits, well, who needs those.
Paying fine and jail sentence are all good as punishment. Losing drivers license may not really have any effect, because driver is always a driver, and will jump into the first car they see. Theirs or someone else's. How about arranging a visit to the city morgue and or intensive care unit? Rehab center? Voluntary work in all of the above? What really is the most effective punishment to such crime?
Driving home each afternoon along two lane busy road is a frightening experience at least once a week. I was on the left hand lane last week, wanting to drive straight. Another driver next to me desperately wanted the same lane, but could/would not use the indicator, and wanted to turn left. Well good for him that my passenger noticed and I let him pass, but not without showing HIM the well-known international finger symbol. Man, he wanted to make U-turn! And never ever heard of indicator. What sort of driving school did these people attend? This is a very typical near miss that happens every day. Then there are those driving inches away from your rear bumper, those who can't decide which lane they want. And those, that drive 30km/h in rush hour traffic. And ancient old motorbikes. Bicycles.. Sigh.
November 10, 2013
Unexpected unfairness of life
Growing old means growing wiser and learning something new every day, even if deep inside it feels unfair and unnecessary and painful. Until one day it all feels like it is just too much and some minor trivial thing pushes you over the edge.
Too much to do at work. Colleague, who sits there doing nothing all day while you work your ass off. No one offers any help. In the meantime precious colleague has made compulsory social visits and had several cups of coffee. Weeks pass by, your workload stays same, but increases, because you can't keep up. So yes, it increases really, does not stay the same. Boss comes and gives you more work too to keep you out of his/her way. How about that.
Horseback riding career almost came to a halt. Horse and I nearly parted ways in more ways than one. Mentally and physically. As if I forgot everything I had learned and could not coordinate my body. We are on the road of recovery now, slowly, and some days are better than others, but we keep on riding. This is still highlight of my life.
You start thinking about nasty dark thoughts. Cancer. Pain in the leg. Forthcoming MRI. What's that lump in my leg? Then someone, whom I knew for a couple of years, decided to pack his bags and change scenery. I am happy he had courage to do so, but at the same time I was sad he left. Then my treadmill would not work. Then I broke my toe, just a freak accident at home! Really tight schedule for the past three months and it caught up with me now.
I finally had to sit down and cry. Something I had avoided doing for quite some time, because I had not had time. I was in pain, physically and mentally, today, so it was easy, right there waiting for me. Not just a couple of tears, but a good on and off 15 minute cry f...k, f...k, s..t, boooooo hooooo.
I feel a lot better now. Crying is good sometimes.
Too much to do at work. Colleague, who sits there doing nothing all day while you work your ass off. No one offers any help. In the meantime precious colleague has made compulsory social visits and had several cups of coffee. Weeks pass by, your workload stays same, but increases, because you can't keep up. So yes, it increases really, does not stay the same. Boss comes and gives you more work too to keep you out of his/her way. How about that.
Horseback riding career almost came to a halt. Horse and I nearly parted ways in more ways than one. Mentally and physically. As if I forgot everything I had learned and could not coordinate my body. We are on the road of recovery now, slowly, and some days are better than others, but we keep on riding. This is still highlight of my life.
You start thinking about nasty dark thoughts. Cancer. Pain in the leg. Forthcoming MRI. What's that lump in my leg? Then someone, whom I knew for a couple of years, decided to pack his bags and change scenery. I am happy he had courage to do so, but at the same time I was sad he left. Then my treadmill would not work. Then I broke my toe, just a freak accident at home! Really tight schedule for the past three months and it caught up with me now.
I finally had to sit down and cry. Something I had avoided doing for quite some time, because I had not had time. I was in pain, physically and mentally, today, so it was easy, right there waiting for me. Not just a couple of tears, but a good on and off 15 minute cry f...k, f...k, s..t, boooooo hooooo.
I feel a lot better now. Crying is good sometimes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)