November 10, 2013

Unexpected unfairness of life

Growing old means growing wiser and learning something new every day, even if deep inside it feels unfair and unnecessary and painful. Until one day it all feels like it is just too much and some minor trivial thing pushes you over the edge.
Too much to do at work. Colleague, who sits there doing nothing all day while you work your ass off. No one offers any help. In the meantime precious colleague has made compulsory social visits and had several cups of coffee. Weeks pass by, your workload stays same, but increases, because you can't keep up. So yes, it increases really, does not stay the same. Boss comes and gives you more work too to keep you out of his/her way. How about that.
Horseback riding career almost came to a halt. Horse and I nearly parted ways in more ways than one. Mentally and physically. As if I forgot everything I had learned and could not coordinate my body. We are on the road of recovery now, slowly, and some days are better than others, but we keep on riding. This is still highlight of my life.

You start thinking about nasty dark thoughts. Cancer. Pain in the leg. Forthcoming MRI. What's that lump in my leg? Then someone, whom I knew for a couple of years, decided to pack his bags and change scenery. I am happy he had courage to do so, but at the same time I was sad he left. Then my treadmill would not work. Then I broke my toe, just a freak accident at home! Really tight schedule for the past three months and it caught up with me now.

I finally had to sit down and cry. Something I had avoided doing for quite some time, because I had not had time. I was in pain, physically and mentally, today, so it was easy, right there waiting for me. Not just a couple of tears, but a good on and off 15 minute cry f...k, f...k, s..t, boooooo hooooo. 

I feel a lot better now. Crying is good sometimes.

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