Smiley faces advertising pain

I hate those smiley well groomed beautiful people advertising painful experiences. Come to our clinic for a painful examination, we promise to make it enjoyable. Along those lines. Cold metal instruments, shiny polished stainless steel surfaces fill me and many others with terror. Examination tables that look like they are frequently used for torture sessions- not for making people feel better. What about that previously symphatetic friendly doctor, who carries on with an examination and a terrified patient begs him/her to stop? Because it is too awful, too painful, too overwhelming. "Just a minute, it will be over soon". When it finally is over, it is too late.
Patients/clients. One look at the shiny metal instruments and the first thought is to RUN away NOW, save your life. But wait a minute, am I not here to save my own life.. but why does it need to hurt like hell?

Wound drain- my own experience tells me not all drains or plastic tubes sticking out of a surgical wound are painful. They may be necessary, but not always painful. Sometimes they are. Depends of the material they are made of, location of the tube and yes, it might depend on the skill of the medical professional, who decided to bury it in "there". Some more superficial drain slide out easily, some need a bit more work to get them out. Once they are out, the relief is almost instant- that is the removal process has been painless or effortless. Out they come, who'd want to drag a drain in them for the rest of their lives?

Cold metal instruments- my pet hate. They fill me with this "endoftheworldiscomingandnothingcanchangeitgottarunrunrunrunrun"-feeling and nothing can stop it. I guess part of it depends on why/how/where these instruments are going to be used. Dental instruments. Dreadful. Vaginal speculum is a big no-no. Don't even try. Nasal speculum. Not any better. Surgical instruments: scalpels, knives, forceps, tenaculums etc. Under anesthesia one does not much care, but seeing the instruments and their cold lifeless skin on the table in the morning sun is not at all uplifting. Scissors, dilators, kidney basins, hooks, retractors, screws.
Are these for used for torture?

Sterile packs- once you open them, the secret is out. Who'd honestly want to see the contents?

My problem and the biggest challenge is to stop questioning. One I start I can't stop. Why this one? What is this used for? Endless list of questions. What is the benefit of this procedure? Will it be painful? Who would not want to be in control when it comes to their health? Who would not want to have the option to say no? Why not ask for a second opinion? Explanation? Do I have the right to say no?
What if I don't have my teeth checked this year? I feel fine, the teeth look "ok", no toothache, no problems. What if I am so scared of another cancer diagnosis that I don't go for the yearly thyroid scan? What if I think I don't need a cervical smear because the last one years ago was painful and humiliating and scary and I don't want any more pain? What if I don't want to take part of this year's screening tests, because stepping into a clinic or hospital and simply seeing a stethoscope fills me with utter helplessness and terror? Is this an attitude problem, being ignorant and arrogant or just being scared?

It is a blessing to be healthy, not to have to undergo painful and more or less undignified examinations. Thank God. But when it is necessary to search for a cure or relief, then we all need to have all the necessary information and alternatives to make an informed decision about the treatment. What are the consequences not to go for treatment? What if one has had an awful painful experience and there is no way they are ready to undergo the same again? Will this painful treatment cure me or just give me few more pain filled years? Painless treatment is of course somewhat easier to accept than a painful one.
Cyberspace is full of stories of painful experiences, some of them can even be encouraging- an individual survived somehow, why not me? More stories every day. Some of them so desperate, lonely, sad, drowning. How did this person go through an experience like this, and is now so traumatized that there is no way out? People, who have received an urgent appointment, but no explanation as to why. Urgent? Is this dead serious or just a routine appointment? People, who have had a procedure done, but had no help or support, because it was all too "sterile and impersonal"? People, who read a letter saying you have something "serious" going on, here's your urgent appointment, take ibuprofen and come as you are. Never mind that you get to wait two weeks for the "urgent" appointment.
Traumatized by an experience in hospital, whether it was you or someone you know.

Come to think of it, I might still attend my screening tests, but because the doc decided a sedative is not needed even though I am scared to death, I might just have some cognac. It keeps me warm, I hope, It makes me relaxed, I hope. It won't make my breath stink, I hope or make me lose my balance and fall, I hope.
My share of painful experiences.

Shift work

Can you think of anything that messes up your system, more than shift work? Come to think of it, yes, why not, there's an endless list of things that do just the same: tobacco, alcohol, firearms, narcotic drugs, over and under-eating, having no friends, being depressed, being lonely, being kicked by a horse, divorce.. so much out there. Horse issues.. I know of those, I own one. Depression, I know the feeling too. Being depressed and not recognizing it yourself, that sucks. Being on antidepressants and realizing there is sunshine and little more happiness and being at ease each day. But talking about the topic of shift work (also known as "shit work" when typo occurs, or a generalized "I hate my Shift Work" feeling persists)..
A regular 9-5 job has never felt suitable for me. Neither has a weird three shifts/24hrs. Night shifts- yes sir, those I love, but mix them with days, nights and more days and nights, that does not do it for me. No satisfaction. We are obviously talking about hospital work. Dreary old hospital work. Don't get me wrong, not all aspects of hospital work fill me with disgust, but arguments about shift work never cease. Night shifts all the time! I am a night owl and even at the time, way past midnite, I am up and awake and browsing the internet, listening to music, chicken in the oven, terribly cold outside, but I am HAPPY to have this early hour just for myself. All because of day/night etc pattern totally messing up my system and my brain is telling me to sleep during the daylight hours and stay up all night until 5am.
Sweet dreams, whenever you choose to sleep.

Le petit dejeuner

Try this :)

Happy New Year

Once again, a year that was just beginning, has ended and each of us are a year older and wiser.
May this coming year be prosperous and lucky one for all, happy 2009.

I am off to work, no champagne parties for me.

Love hurts

I remember who said it first, the words "I love you". It was him. In a text message- but there it was, loud and clear. Not many people have said those words and meant what they've said. But this one was different. He said it first. The words were staring at me and I was staring at them, but they were there, they did not disappear and to this day, I still have the message in my phone. These days, we say it, text it, e-mail it. The love has grown into something beautiful and extraordinary- no love like this exists anywhere except between us.
One could say I am lucky to have experienced this kind of love. Some people may never experience love. But.. once you have felt love like this in your heart, it is so so so awful to give it up. You want to keep it in your heart forever, no matter what happens. Life's challenges and disappointments, finding out things from the past, fearing the future, living together, loving like there is no tomorrow. Can the love last?
Love brings a smile onto my face, makes me feel safe and happy and radiant, all at the same time. I like this feeling- just living for today, being in love today, being happy today.

Does love hurt...? Maybe, if it becomes an obsession, or it is taken away from you. Or if it somehow ends. But like in all fairytales, love doesn't end and everyone lives happily ever after.

Flat tire

Not long ago I bought new tires for my car. They were worn out, spare tire too didn't look too good. But now it seems that we have a traitor in our midst- someone is sneaking in and vandalizing our cars. The first target being my car- releasing air from the tires. Revenge is sweet! It does not make sense that just one of the tires is always empty, the very same tire. But before accusing the gardener or cleaner or neighbor for it, I will investigate.

It's the thought

My back is breaking, but it isn't broken just yet. It just feels that way, when the sleep does not come, the bed feels uncomfortable, it is either too hot or too cold. Disbelief, alarm clock at 0510am- did I sleep after all? The same feeling; shattered, broken and fatigued. Time to slow down..

1. Relax and sleep
2. Listen to music
3. Enjoy the sun and cold winter mornings
4. Ask God, it always works

Every day is yours, use it the way you like, but don't abuse it.
When the sleep does not come, I remember a lot of negative stuff; how the boss shouted and screamed and made me cry. How my co-worker was busy pointing her finger at my mistakes and by then I had had enough and left. Not literally to the left, but waved good-bye and found myself in a new environment. These days, I do not tolerate abuse, the threshold is now extremely low. All this reflects on the quality of life and things become unbearably miserable when work and life in general sucks. One can read so many self-help guides and have counseling and hypnotherapy... one day, MIRACLE, you have traveled from A to B and you have arrived. All what is in the past stays there and does no longer surface. At least not each and every day.
I don't have to feel low and miserable. I'm not inferior to the guy next to me. I choose the life I lead, I choose the people I spend my time with. I trust in God and leave bigger issues in life for God. I don't feel the need to constantly please people, observing them observe me and my actions and reactions.

It would be just great if every day was about being human, kind, caring, relaxed, assertive when necessary, finding a friendly word for everyone.. one of my colleagues told me it is just about creating this warm comfortable space around you, and letting this attract people with similar qualities.. Days like this, empty pages in the weblog- I feel I'm getting closer and closer of understanding all this.. ALL and EVERYTHING.

Shame on you!

Long ago.. at East Dulwich Sainsbury's in London:

My friend Amber told me the story- here goes: She was shopping for groceries, some bread, eggs, milk, the usual stuff, and some chocolate and cupcakes, because she has a sweet tooth. While she was getting ready to pay, two people lined up behind her, nice looking couple. My friend's thought was let's get this done, pack her bags and go home.. until she heard the most unimaginable: these two people were speaking her native language, and the woman was pointing at my friend's groceries "Look at that girl, what she is buying". Yeah, meaning the cupcakes, croissants, chocolates etc that she was buying. My friend was stunned into silence, but after half a minute regained her senses, turned to look at the woman (who was not Miss World beauty lookalike either) and asked "What is it that you said?"- in their common native language. The woman looked like she would want to take her words back and for the ground to swallow her, but what's once given (i.e. nasty words) cannot be taken back just like that. the man, much wiser, kept quiet, but at the end said "My wife did not mean that".
Yes, the lesson was learned- both parties. My friend learned that an overweight, plump, fat person has no room in this world, in the eyes of this "handsome couple". But she persevered, lost pounds and pounds of weight and looks happy and healthy nowadays. And she hopes that these two people learned not make comments like this- one day it may land you into big trouble. Come to think of it, my friend did the right thing.
I think a public humiliation would have been the right way to go- and today, 11 years later, we are here to tell the story. Amber shared her story with her housemate Nancy, who thought this was plain stupid. Watch out when you open your mouth and speak in a language that no one around you can understand- there may still be someone out there; that old lady, this plump young woman, the man next to you, the nurse behind you...

Flowers

Addicted

to.. nothing specific. I love to sleep. At the very beginning, when I was home from the hospital, I couldn't really sleep and woke up irritated, sweaty and restless. In the middle of the night I woke up covered in sweat and there was no way I would get up from under the duvet and feel the cold. No way. In time, these sweaty periods ceased and I could sleep. Healing took place during the night, I could feel it, visualize it. I drank water and imagined how the wounds began the healing process, from the tissues deeper, toward the skin. Then the sleep began to escape me and I was up until 1am, easily. Understandably I then slept until 11am and wondered why the days pass by so quick.
I am back into more or less normal rhythm now, but it's not set in stone and I still love to wake up later than 7am.

Other than that, I love being in love. I miss him when he is not here, I miss him as soon as he leaves the house and goes to work. I miss him when he is out with the boys. Seriously.

I still love to eat. Delicious meals that we share, me and him. My cooking skills have improved a lot and I have actually learned to like cooking. Setting up the table, serving the food. Eating mmmmm... Yummy.