Somehow men and machines don't match. Men might not have been created in riding fast cars, motorcycles, airplanes etc, at least not ALL men.. and women. While I was working in a busy trauma intensive care unit, I saw some horrific injuries. Not just broken bones, but much worse, just like in a horror movie. Wounds, bruises, missing limbs, brain contusions, spinal injuries, burns. Most of the injuries from car accidents,ignoring speed limits, not wearing seat belt. That's probably the worst part in here! Insurance may replace your car, but no one can give you your life back. Even an accident may not teach some fools anything at all.
Those speedy people should be given a horse and carriage instead. And those who are the cause of an accident, should lose their drivers license for the rest of their lives. But wear that seat belt, every time you drive, it may save your life.
February 10, 2010
February 07, 2010
No Sleep Part 2
Same old..
No sleep. I had a cup of coffee at 5pm, but this is almost six hours later and I can't sleep.
Today: movie "One Night Stand"- Wesley Snipes, Robert Downey Jr etc. Windy and cold outside. Had salad for dinner and I am definitely not feeling hungry/thirsty right now. Moved into new house last week, everything is arranged and organized, Facebook accessed several times, status updated and Farmville produce harvested.
I guess first I could do is get off line, let the computer rest and actually go to bed.
I no longer have nightmares of cancer as such. Last week I had a nightmare of a situation where "they" were attempting to insert an iv cannula into my poor quality veins and as usual, could not find one. Next step central line, and then I woke up wondering if it was just a dream. After inspecting my veins, I was convinced it was indeed a dream. Once, an anesthesia tech had to search and search for a vein, I think he got it after 4 attempts. Thanks be to God that he used Lidocaine local anesthesia to numb the skin. At that point I was so used to needles and cannulas and things that I didn't really feel anything, but if you asked me now, I'd say all sorts of sharp objects terrify me and I don't want them anywhere nearby. Can one get used to lab tests, injections, iv cannulas- all involving a sharp object..
I'm not so sure about that. But at some point everything, including my mind and body, became numb (and not just because of Lidocaine) and it's almost a viable option to leave the body until the painful procedure is over.
Weird and fascinating.
Somehow we all survive and live through all this, but have any of you developed a serious dislike of medical centers and everyone (almost) wearing a white coat?
This is what lack of sleep does to me.. Apologies.
No sleep. I had a cup of coffee at 5pm, but this is almost six hours later and I can't sleep.
Today: movie "One Night Stand"- Wesley Snipes, Robert Downey Jr etc. Windy and cold outside. Had salad for dinner and I am definitely not feeling hungry/thirsty right now. Moved into new house last week, everything is arranged and organized, Facebook accessed several times, status updated and Farmville produce harvested.
I guess first I could do is get off line, let the computer rest and actually go to bed.
I no longer have nightmares of cancer as such. Last week I had a nightmare of a situation where "they" were attempting to insert an iv cannula into my poor quality veins and as usual, could not find one. Next step central line, and then I woke up wondering if it was just a dream. After inspecting my veins, I was convinced it was indeed a dream. Once, an anesthesia tech had to search and search for a vein, I think he got it after 4 attempts. Thanks be to God that he used Lidocaine local anesthesia to numb the skin. At that point I was so used to needles and cannulas and things that I didn't really feel anything, but if you asked me now, I'd say all sorts of sharp objects terrify me and I don't want them anywhere nearby. Can one get used to lab tests, injections, iv cannulas- all involving a sharp object..
I'm not so sure about that. But at some point everything, including my mind and body, became numb (and not just because of Lidocaine) and it's almost a viable option to leave the body until the painful procedure is over.
Weird and fascinating.
Somehow we all survive and live through all this, but have any of you developed a serious dislike of medical centers and everyone (almost) wearing a white coat?
This is what lack of sleep does to me.. Apologies.
February 01, 2010
No sleep
Insomnia= many questions+no answers
10pm: bedtime.. but maybe not just yet.
11pm: no sleep.
11.30pm: still no sleep
midnight: bedtime, feeling tired, ready to sleep, but the mind and the thoughts are ever-present.
1 am: still awake
1.30am: get out of bed, watch TV. Count sheep, dogs, parrots. No sign of sleep.
3am: noooooo
4am: what if..
5am: alarm clock: time to wake up.
Ok, I did not sleep, but tonight I will go to bed early. Drink warm milk, take sleeping tablet, something, anything.
And stop thinking, because evening is not the time for questioning, making decisions, not just before bedtime anyway. At least it is my best intention, but what happens when the real bedtime arrives?
10pm: bedtime.. but maybe not just yet.
11pm: no sleep.
11.30pm: still no sleep
midnight: bedtime, feeling tired, ready to sleep, but the mind and the thoughts are ever-present.
1 am: still awake
1.30am: get out of bed, watch TV. Count sheep, dogs, parrots. No sign of sleep.
3am: noooooo
4am: what if..
5am: alarm clock: time to wake up.
Ok, I did not sleep, but tonight I will go to bed early. Drink warm milk, take sleeping tablet, something, anything.
And stop thinking, because evening is not the time for questioning, making decisions, not just before bedtime anyway. At least it is my best intention, but what happens when the real bedtime arrives?
January 28, 2010
Bullying
Bullying seems a fashionable word- and there are reasons behind the "fashion". Workplace bullying, school bullying, just to name few. Anti-bullying groups are appearing everywhere, especially in Facebook. Newspapers, websites frequently publish news of bullying. One schoolgirl recently published a list of names of the bullies, who she wanted to kill. Another school girl was being bullied and attacked by thugs at school, 20 or more people nearby and NO ONE did anything to help!
Now, more than 20 years has passed since I finished secondary school (isn't it amazing how time slips by?) but I still remember how I was bullied there by handful of boys and girls, who thought they are better than anyone else on the earth. And yes, because they thought I was a loser. Many times I have been tempted to publish their names somewhere in a very public place, but instead of doing that (not yet, at least), I thought I'd go visit my old school and talk to their students about bullying, and how it can be overcome, one day. I am still VERY tempted to publish their names... Name and shame, no boundaries, no constraints.. looking at the painful past.
TR, one of the bullies, was an unemployed fat drunk at some point.
TS, was spotted in a local pub, by one of my friends and told him off for being a bully. He had nothing to say.
Leena, Kimmo, Toni, Vesa, Harto, Mirva, bullies of my (old) life, here's to you:
I wonder if rest of the bullies have gone on and become flawless and successful in their lives. Somehow I doubt that, but come on bullies, come forward and tell me.
At school, there was bus transport just for us kids. To enter the bus, we had to form a queue, and I was ALWAYS the very last one. Journey home took about 20 minutes, but each of those minutes felt longer than an hour. I was forced to listen to threats, swear words of all kinds and shouting.
In the morning, bullies were the last ones to be collected from their part of the city, but they made some weaker kids book seats for THEM, kings and queens of the world. My friend was bullied too, but I think I got the worst of it. Inbetween classes, we spent some time outdoors. Once we managed to hide from the bullies, but next time they found us, threw snowballs at us, verbal threats and calling us names that I don't need to repeat here. In those days, if you weren't strong enough to stand up for yourself, it was all fighting a losing battle. For me, one of the contributing factors was my "odd" family name, that the clever bullies could play with. ML, one of the boys pointed out that I looked like a boy in the 3rd grade classroom photo! I regret that I can't find that photo right now, I'd have published here and sought for extra opinions. Well I can have a laugh about it now, but at the time when I was 9 years old, it was not funny.
Secondary school was bigger, but the unwanted bullies followed. They continued bullying in classroom, kicking me, whispering abuse, and once when teacher halfheartedly interfered, I sheepishly had to say "nothing was happening". This went on from 1979 to 1985, in various forms. It was mostly verbal abuse, mental game, emotional blackmail; I received couple of kicks from selected few, but thank God nothing more. Often I wondered if these people are human.
One incident is crystal clear in my mind: I was probably 13 years old, felt sick and vomited all over in school corridor! Shock horror! Everyone gathered around to witness the miracle: "that one" vomited! From then on, I was known as the One Who Vomited. Bullies used to make jokes begging me not to vomit on them. I think that's exactly what I SHOULD have done.
Bullies were left behind when I went to high school. Adios, arrivederci, auf wiedersehen.
I never met any of them again. They are probably buried up to their necks in something, screwed up. Somehow vanished off the face of the earth.
For little while I felt like an emotional cripple, unworthy and spaced out, but I've recovered. It may not feel same when you are 16 years old and going through this type of ordeal, but it is POSSIBLE to recover. It may not be possible to forget, but forgiveness is a virtue and it can be found. As for me, it is most fascinating to entertain thoughts of whereabouts of the bullies and what they have become in their lives. Most satisfactory answer would simply be a LOSER. Do they remember at some point of their lives what school did to them? Or was it the school- teachers, fellow pupils- what made them feel so angry that they had to take it out on someone else?
What I know about them is that they were gullible, insecure, non-human, deeply unhappy children- perhaps they were abused at home by their parents and siblings. I'll never know, I guess. I don't feel any compassion toward them, but it does not mean I can never forgive them. One day.
I'd not recognize them if they accidentally stepped on my foot in crowded train. Wherever they are, I know for sure, they are not living anywhere in my neighborhood. And if they read this, I can tell them know I am happy. I have a loving husband, family, nephew, friends and four gorgeous cousins back home. I have a horse, I have work and there no trace of cancer in my body! 2 years and 13 days cancer-free!
Now, more than 20 years has passed since I finished secondary school (isn't it amazing how time slips by?) but I still remember how I was bullied there by handful of boys and girls, who thought they are better than anyone else on the earth. And yes, because they thought I was a loser. Many times I have been tempted to publish their names somewhere in a very public place, but instead of doing that (not yet, at least), I thought I'd go visit my old school and talk to their students about bullying, and how it can be overcome, one day. I am still VERY tempted to publish their names... Name and shame, no boundaries, no constraints.. looking at the painful past.
TR, one of the bullies, was an unemployed fat drunk at some point.
TS, was spotted in a local pub, by one of my friends and told him off for being a bully. He had nothing to say.
Leena, Kimmo, Toni, Vesa, Harto, Mirva, bullies of my (old) life, here's to you:
I wonder if rest of the bullies have gone on and become flawless and successful in their lives. Somehow I doubt that, but come on bullies, come forward and tell me.
At school, there was bus transport just for us kids. To enter the bus, we had to form a queue, and I was ALWAYS the very last one. Journey home took about 20 minutes, but each of those minutes felt longer than an hour. I was forced to listen to threats, swear words of all kinds and shouting.
In the morning, bullies were the last ones to be collected from their part of the city, but they made some weaker kids book seats for THEM, kings and queens of the world. My friend was bullied too, but I think I got the worst of it. Inbetween classes, we spent some time outdoors. Once we managed to hide from the bullies, but next time they found us, threw snowballs at us, verbal threats and calling us names that I don't need to repeat here. In those days, if you weren't strong enough to stand up for yourself, it was all fighting a losing battle. For me, one of the contributing factors was my "odd" family name, that the clever bullies could play with. ML, one of the boys pointed out that I looked like a boy in the 3rd grade classroom photo! I regret that I can't find that photo right now, I'd have published here and sought for extra opinions. Well I can have a laugh about it now, but at the time when I was 9 years old, it was not funny.
Secondary school was bigger, but the unwanted bullies followed. They continued bullying in classroom, kicking me, whispering abuse, and once when teacher halfheartedly interfered, I sheepishly had to say "nothing was happening". This went on from 1979 to 1985, in various forms. It was mostly verbal abuse, mental game, emotional blackmail; I received couple of kicks from selected few, but thank God nothing more. Often I wondered if these people are human.
One incident is crystal clear in my mind: I was probably 13 years old, felt sick and vomited all over in school corridor! Shock horror! Everyone gathered around to witness the miracle: "that one" vomited! From then on, I was known as the One Who Vomited. Bullies used to make jokes begging me not to vomit on them. I think that's exactly what I SHOULD have done.
Bullies were left behind when I went to high school. Adios, arrivederci, auf wiedersehen.
I never met any of them again. They are probably buried up to their necks in something, screwed up. Somehow vanished off the face of the earth.
For little while I felt like an emotional cripple, unworthy and spaced out, but I've recovered. It may not feel same when you are 16 years old and going through this type of ordeal, but it is POSSIBLE to recover. It may not be possible to forget, but forgiveness is a virtue and it can be found. As for me, it is most fascinating to entertain thoughts of whereabouts of the bullies and what they have become in their lives. Most satisfactory answer would simply be a LOSER. Do they remember at some point of their lives what school did to them? Or was it the school- teachers, fellow pupils- what made them feel so angry that they had to take it out on someone else?
What I know about them is that they were gullible, insecure, non-human, deeply unhappy children- perhaps they were abused at home by their parents and siblings. I'll never know, I guess. I don't feel any compassion toward them, but it does not mean I can never forgive them. One day.
I'd not recognize them if they accidentally stepped on my foot in crowded train. Wherever they are, I know for sure, they are not living anywhere in my neighborhood. And if they read this, I can tell them know I am happy. I have a loving husband, family, nephew, friends and four gorgeous cousins back home. I have a horse, I have work and there no trace of cancer in my body! 2 years and 13 days cancer-free!
December 24, 2009
Battlefield
Christmas can be such fun and bring a lot of brightness into one of the darkest seasons on the earth. For some, for children and families, it is a celebration, bringing families and relatives togather, but for some it just brings more loneliness and misery. Being alone, no friends, no family around. For some, work is the only salvation- works allows many people be lonely, but not alone.
I will be working both Christmas and the New Year, even though that was no part of the grand plan. In between jobs, so to say, I got caught in a trap and my working days landed perfectly in the midst of the season of celebration. Working one or the other of these holidays would be fine, to be fair, but not both. And not without asking an employee first. A simple " can I ask you to work on these days" would have been enough for me. But NOTHING like that happened and I felt insulted, abused, hurt, angry, sad- all at the same time. Not a good start for a new job nor for 2010. Workwise not a good beginning, but for the year in general, I am hoping it will be a good one.
Well, time to get over it, Christmas Eve is drawing toward the end, lights are out and I am soon going to bed, sleep, and get ready for another day. Whilst being very well aware that my issues right now are very minor compared to such people, who never made it home early for Christmas, because their flight or train journey were canceled. Or delayed. Or something even worse that none of us really want to think about right now.
I am going to have a glass of something, definitely stronger than water and sleep.
The holiday season can be an awful challenge for some, but next year may not be the same. It might not be that depressing, lonely and frustrating. I have spent a New Year alone in London, watching fireworks in the city, standing on the hill somewhere on the Hampstead Heath, feeling cold, miserable and very much alone. A crowd around me, I was feeling not only cold, but uncomfortable, like I needed to carry a banner saying I AM NOT A LONELY LOSER. Following year I was invited to a party, where I was surrounded by another crowd, this time not really feeling 100% comfortable, but at least NOT alone. Another year: I was at home, not expecting to go anywhere- so I fell asleep in the late afternoon, and woke up in the early morning hours of 2009. Then a year after- which is this one; I will be welcoming the New Year at work! *#$@+(*&^~`Grrrrrrr! There are many different ways to celebrate, but which one to pick. For sure I am not going to be one of those sleeping through the change of the year, not this time.
I will be working both Christmas and the New Year, even though that was no part of the grand plan. In between jobs, so to say, I got caught in a trap and my working days landed perfectly in the midst of the season of celebration. Working one or the other of these holidays would be fine, to be fair, but not both. And not without asking an employee first. A simple " can I ask you to work on these days" would have been enough for me. But NOTHING like that happened and I felt insulted, abused, hurt, angry, sad- all at the same time. Not a good start for a new job nor for 2010. Workwise not a good beginning, but for the year in general, I am hoping it will be a good one.
Well, time to get over it, Christmas Eve is drawing toward the end, lights are out and I am soon going to bed, sleep, and get ready for another day. Whilst being very well aware that my issues right now are very minor compared to such people, who never made it home early for Christmas, because their flight or train journey were canceled. Or delayed. Or something even worse that none of us really want to think about right now.
I am going to have a glass of something, definitely stronger than water and sleep.
The holiday season can be an awful challenge for some, but next year may not be the same. It might not be that depressing, lonely and frustrating. I have spent a New Year alone in London, watching fireworks in the city, standing on the hill somewhere on the Hampstead Heath, feeling cold, miserable and very much alone. A crowd around me, I was feeling not only cold, but uncomfortable, like I needed to carry a banner saying I AM NOT A LONELY LOSER. Following year I was invited to a party, where I was surrounded by another crowd, this time not really feeling 100% comfortable, but at least NOT alone. Another year: I was at home, not expecting to go anywhere- so I fell asleep in the late afternoon, and woke up in the early morning hours of 2009. Then a year after- which is this one; I will be welcoming the New Year at work! *#$@+(*&^~`Grrrrrrr! There are many different ways to celebrate, but which one to pick. For sure I am not going to be one of those sleeping through the change of the year, not this time.
December 18, 2009
November 26, 2009
" I want your love and I want your revenge You and me could write a bad romance "
What a weird song, this "Bad Romance", but as soon as I heard it on TV, I thought it may well work. Not that I am caught in a bad romance. I am not caught at all, but I may end up buying Lady Gaga's album, no matter how hard I try resisting.
People, who spread nasty untrue rumors of others, should be banned from existing. There are few not so kind hearted people at work, who love nothing more than rumors, gossip and spreading lies all over the place. How does it really truly feel when one knows what they talk about is not true? What does this person gain? Higher status? Nooo way, not in my eyes. So Miss PB, don't talk about stuff you couldn't possibly understand. By gossiping, you turn into a smaller than an ant, worthless piece of artwork, in my eyes.
While talking about colleagues, who consider themselves higher than God, we could name and shame them, but we won't because it would be lowering ourselves to a "smaller than an ant" - level. A humorous description of few may suffice: there is one, who I call a "lawnmower".She always manages to bump onto another person, and I am definitely NOT invisible, and I am not the only one.. There are others, who this person has mistaken for grass. Hey, there's long green grass in the horizon, let's bring the "lawnmower" in! It's me first, just me and my simple lawnmower-style world.
She's definitely a weirdo. Never ceases to amaze me how she can totally ignore another person's presence, that is when she does not need anything from you. When she does, she can be cunning and convincing and loving and the sweetest little Easter bunny all at the same time. Yuck, I say!
Trans-Siberian railway: it is a fascinating idea, kind of an adventure that I'd like to experience. Train journeys are exciting. I've traveled through France, from England to Scotland, by Eurostar- traveling through Russia all the way to Beijing would be a dream come true.
While talking about colleagues, who consider themselves higher than God, we could name and shame them, but we won't because it would be lowering ourselves to a "smaller than an ant" - level. A humorous description of few may suffice: there is one, who I call a "lawnmower".She always manages to bump onto another person, and I am definitely NOT invisible, and I am not the only one.. There are others, who this person has mistaken for grass. Hey, there's long green grass in the horizon, let's bring the "lawnmower" in! It's me first, just me and my simple lawnmower-style world.
She's definitely a weirdo. Never ceases to amaze me how she can totally ignore another person's presence, that is when she does not need anything from you. When she does, she can be cunning and convincing and loving and the sweetest little Easter bunny all at the same time. Yuck, I say!
Trans-Siberian railway: it is a fascinating idea, kind of an adventure that I'd like to experience. Train journeys are exciting. I've traveled through France, from England to Scotland, by Eurostar- traveling through Russia all the way to Beijing would be a dream come true.
November 16, 2009
October 08, 2009
Hunters of The Lost Confidence
On horseback that is. Yesterday I tried few very easy jumps, but the horse stopped before each jump- my mind was telling him "don't jump". I could have done it 20 years ago, an eager and fearless pony clubber, but today my main concern was do I still know how to do it? The horse knows, he has fantastic experience in cross-country jumps. One half a meter high jump would be nothing of a challenge for him. Poles on the ground went well, in trot and canter. Weird thing is that we jumped a cross country jump last week, not a very complicated jump, it came kind of all of a sudden in trot and I thought we'll just go for it. And we did! Perfect jump, perfect landing and I didn't fall off.
I was wearing a body protector yesterday, the horse has long mane (just in case..) and he does not bolt or run away. Perfect horse, less perfect rider, but I am not judging myself too harshly, it might have not been "my day", no jumps.
Call in the instructor, riding lessons might be in order.
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