No posts for 2011

Not yet. Happy New Year, may this one bring all the happiness, health and wealth to each and everyone of us!
As for New Year's resolutions- they are secret!

First week of the year started hard at work and as a result I am already feeling shattered and the week hasn't even reached its end. Just that old realization that grass ain't always greener on the other side finally hit me, and it was as if the bubble had burst. In a way it did. In a blink of an eye I realized all of this- work mostly- was kind of a vacuum. Sit in there, feeling seeing hearing nothing, remembering bits and pieces of what once was.. It's both hilarious and disappointing. Disappointment; because The Others (yes, it's always them) dictate the way we behave, speak, listen. Always under a watchful eye. Hilarious, because I "see" all this weird stuff going on around me- and yes I am talking mostly about work here- but somehow I still retain the ability to detach myself from the reality, especially when bad stuff happens.
Now, not much of this makes sense, but then the beginning of twenty eleven has not made much sense yet either.
Translation into English: Once or twice some of us have thought that the grass is much fresher and greener on the other side. At first it is so. Then the "honeymoon" phase comes to an abrupt end and .. well... it's harder than hard to realize new job/school/girlfriend/that sale item weren't what we needed or wanted after all. Clocks won't turn back, and I won't get my October 1 twenty ten back either. That's when I signed my work contract, and thought this will be it, until I retire. I guess it is now just one day at the time- my husband tells me to adopt wait n see attitude, but my attitude is more like "don't ask, don't tell".

Cancerversary AKA anniversary of cancer free years is also approaching on the Jan 16, and that may actually mean more to me than the 1/1/11. I wish my yearly MRI wasn't scheduled after Jan 16, because it'd be a shame if cancerversary party wouldn't last weeks, months, years.. You know what I mean.. :-) Cancer isn't welcome into my life, no one else's either, stupid ca, stay away. You really chose the wrong bitch.

World weather report: well, it is pretty weird what's happening around the world. Floods in Australia, snowstorms, tornadoes, rain, earthquakes in England! Hot hot hot summers in the northern hemisphere. Are the culprits here the greenhouse gases..? Global warming? For how long do we believe there will be life on earth as it is today?
My heart goes out to all of those, who these severe weather conditions have touched in one way or another.

H1N1 wars. Handwashing empire and swine flu vaccine are striking back. H1N1 is retreating back into its corner and slouching in defeat.

Happy 2011

New Year

Old year is soon coming to an end, and what do we remember of this past year..?
First thing that springs into my mind is that precious moment, when my horse and I really "got it", when we became inseparable. Yes, me and my horse.
On January 16, 2010 was my two year "free of cancer" anniversary, and the 3rd year one is approaching. This time there are no "what if's" in my mind- cancer is past, and future, whether we re talking about weeks, months, years- it is all ahead of me.
Me and my husband too became more than inseparable. We also "got it", and realized we are in this together- all of us.
My eye has healed well, one more check-up in January and it's an official good bye to pterygium. Never come back. Stay away (Who'd have know such an alien thing even exists...).
My new job has opened loads of new avenues, brought new challenges and both tears and joy. Missing a meeting or submitting an incomplete document for review aren't something to be highlighted or remembered years and years in a row- they are part of the learning process and no one apart from myself punished me very harshly. Of course I am perfectionist and want to achieve 100% in everything. Yeah, in that sense my memory is a curse, that I don't forget and forgive myself easily. Challenge for 2011..? Forget, forgive.
There is always room for improvement.
Things that I did not achieve were weight loss, as well as complete recovery from depression, but I guess I am on my way, at least able to admit that I'm not always feeling bright and cheerful.
I am going to keep my schedule relatively tight over the next year- but definitely enough room for just doing nothing, relaxing, sleeping.. and few 100% challenge-free days.

Nasty neck spasms and other ailments

Deskjob causes great discomfort in many ways. Sitting all day long, bad posture, typing furiously whilst on the phone, dealing with more than three tasks at the same time, cup of coffee, buried under papers and documents.
It all began with numbness in the fingers of right hand, weird kind of tingling. My body can't take any more.
Neck spasms are awful, real abuse. I'm off to massage followed up a visit to drugstore- good bye neck spasms.

No excuses this time

I missed a meeting at work last week. And then another today. I had no excuses this time.
How is this going to improve my performance rating..?
It won't. Quite right, I felt awful and I still do and now I am questioning myself "Why, how, what, where?", vicious circle once I got started, same thoughts in my head and I can't forget even for one minute.
Husband told me "Don't be stupid, pay attention on your job". Quite right.

Something that went wrong like this, how do I make it right?

Room full of surprises

Survival Guide- Pterygium

Pterygium is:
a) gravitational force field
b) eye disease
c) floral pattern

Wikipedia tells is as it is:
"Pterygium most often refers to a benign growth of the conjunctiva. A pterygium commonly grows from the nasal side of the sclera. It is associated with, and thought to be caused by ultraviolet-light exposure (e.g. sunlight), low humidity, and dust."

Pterygium is sort of eye disease- I wonder how common it really is, because I had never heard of it until I found one in my eye. It was a filmlike worthless growth, not painful at all, but caused irritation and became bright red telling the truth about my sleepless nights. Tiredness, wind and sun seemed to make it worse. At first I thought it's like cling film, something that could be used in kitchen to cover the leftovers and pop the container in the fridge. So I tried to scratch it off, but of course nothing happened- sloppy performance. It was there to remain and nothing except from a sharp knife or another kind of instrument would remove it.

I had my procedure done as day surgery, hospital in the morning, home in the evening, which suited me very well and I recovered from general anesthesia (bless those mind-altering substances!) by the time day surgery ward closed. I was asleep throughout the whole thing, just did not feel comfortable hearing and "feeling" things happening around me, so sleep sleep sleep was the way to go for me. Local anesthesia works well, that I can say from experience, having had eye pressure checked numerous times prior (and as an afterthought, after surgery too) to surgery. But just the thought of someone poking my eye with sharpest tool in the box.. It was a NO.
After surgery I was little nauseated, no pain at all.

The first week wasn't the most comfortable week in my life, but not the worst either. During the worst moments, Brufen/Panadol took care of the discomfort, I would not even go as far as saying it was pain. Just discomfort. Eye drops and ointment caused more headache so to speak, it was kind of a challenge to get the ointment to go where it was supposed to go: not on the top of the eyelid or on upper part of cheek. Into the eye, somehow.
Eye is still red, but white part of the eye is getting back into its normal "white" condition- no pain at all, eye drops daily x4. Eye opens well, eyesight may have improved, but I am not sure about that just yet. I don't even know if pterygium affected eyesight, how far it had really grown. Well of course the doctor explained all this, but I could only absorb so much information- the part that I considered important at the time.

The thought of having something "alien" in my eye was strange and almost as soon as pterygium appeared and I found out what it was, I knew it had no place in MY eye, and out it comes, sooner or later. Latest vision check-up shows perfect vision in the right, and 25/20 vision on the left, this is pretty good I think.
Good result, as good as it can get. Doc said that he removed it all, it was pterygium, nothing malignant, and that message meant the world to me. It was not a painful separation.
Definitely an eye opener- pun intended.

a-ha - butterfly, butterfly (the last hurrah) - official video

Unfit and short of breath

Those who have experienced frequent fluctuations in their weight, know this: one day your weight is within "normal" limits, you feel fit and energetic, just to "wake up" one day to realize things have gone into opposite direction. Fit, but fat. High BMI. Obese, overweight.. yeah something like that. Not everyone is blessed with ultraspeedy metabolic rate. It's much easier to walk amongst the crowd, unnoticed for months and even years, pop into coffee shop, enjoy the latte and croissant.. until one day clothes do not fit. Image in the mirror looks.. ok. Off to the shops and buy something bigger to wear. Stretchy clothes are the best, they cover multitude of sins. At the same time no one including me notices the gain of extra pounds.
Weighing scale, an enemy shows a reading that simply must be wrong.

Yes, I am obese, near the crossroads of being "just" overweight, but let's face it, BMI of 30.5 is classified as obese. I did not think anything of it, because I could still wear size 12-14 clothes. They still looked pretty good on me, not the most comfortable and best fit, but still they fit.
Having been denied bariatric surgery (as I am not morbidly obese, neither am I diabetic or have any other debilitating condition), I realized I've got to do it on my own.
Not totally alone, of course. There are gyms, personal trainers, walking and running tracks etc, yoga classes.

First step cutting back all unnecessary stuff such as pastries, cookies, Pepsi, candies. It is still soooo hard to pass by the cookie shelf at the supermarket. Cheesecakes, fresh white bread, chocolate chip cookies.
Second step: remember the 12 step program for AA. Yes, it might be the best decision to cut it all out, no cookies. One small single cookie may be the beginning of snowball effect and eating habits become erratic again.
My new job gives me regular hours, an opportunity to exercise, eat sensibly. Insomnia is non-existent, I sleep better and can survive well with just 6 hours of sleep as opposed to 12 hours before.
Of course healthy eating and exercise contribute to good night's sleep too.

Off Pepsi for weeks now and soon after that my life became much better; good quality sleep. Brighter skin (thanks to glycolic peels too). More energy.

I'm not saying this is going to be easy as it was much easier to eat eat and eat.
I've got to fill the empty spaces that food left in my life with something else. I am an unfit fat yoga teacher, but it's not too late.

Hong Kong