Crash site

I am waiting for feedback from university, where I am studying. Feedback about the essay I just submitted and whether or not I am proficient enough in English. If yes, I guess I get to continue studies and if not, well, I will find out what the meaning of a "drop-out" is. Right now I don't really care. My future plans did not even include studying, even though The Boss says I am an academic type. To my surprise, I now feel studying is not just worthless mind-numbing activity, but actually quite rewarding. Seeing those 4000 words in front of you and still wanting to continue, eager to jump right into the next module, is amazing considering I did not want to study anything in the first place.
Well, perhaps consider another career, due to not such great life at work right now.

it is not good manners, if a colleague at work watches your every move and then reports you. Still manages to keep straight face as if nothing had ever happened. "It was not me, I never said anything to the boss, I did not report you". Guilt always shines through this person's face and words in more ways than one. Yeah, so it was her again, who was caught in the act walking out of the boss's office (Boss's office is almost sacred ground. It can only mean one thing to me: 99% of the time it is bad news, if I get an invitation in...).  Like those childhood bullies long long time ago- it is time to name and shame these supervisor's little pets soon.

It's just getting impossible to work in this sort of environment. I have already lost count how many times I have mentioned "work", "bullying" and all those nasty words. It goes on and on and I am getting to the point of keeping my mouth shut and just watching how the situation develops. Just accepting that I am not going to get what I want, not in this place, no matter how many posh letters I can add behind my name. I've added my name into that list of The Most Unpopular People,

  

that is circulating out there somewhere. It has probably reached this glacier by now.

It's because of that

It is pretty amazing what we all achieve in our lives. It does not need to be anything really very remarkable and whether it is writing a novel or watching a horror movie it's an accomplishment. Some sort of. Not each and every day needs to be full of accomplishments.

My day started quite well. Having had good night and plenty of rest, I thought the day will surely be brilliant. Not so. Seeing some colleagues at work triggers unpleasant sensations. No matter how hard I try, I find it hard even to look at them and I feel I've got to get distance between them and myself. At least they don't smell and it is not really physical unpleasantness in them either.... But it is that bloody awful attitude, that they are on top of the world. They feel they have been treated unfairly and are being bullied, when in fact it's exactly the opposite. Mornings often start with mind-numbing meetings that on a reasonably positive note, but almost end in tears and someone walking out in a hurry. I could do one lousy meeting like that, but had to run away from the one in the afternoon. What sorta boss never gets questioned by the authorities, when the whole department falls into pieces, insults fly from all four corners and employees resign one by one?
My one and only request (it was just ONE, honest. I knew I could have just this ONE) was to change work assignment. Guess what the response was: NO. We touched the subject briefly later, but even then the boss pretended not to have ever discussed any such thing with me. It was her way or highway. I am beginning to reach that highway. Few colleagues more more than willing to discuss change of work assignment, but even that did not save me.
Do I ever feel I am being bullied? Hell yeah I am. Every day. It's an insane epidemic, very much like a known contagious disease.

"Well touch my mouth and hold my tongue
I'll never be your chosen one
I'll be home safe and tucked away
Well you can't tempt me if I don't see the day."
- Mumford&Sons: Broken Crown

Friend of mine, whom I met after work was talking along the same lines. How work sucks at times, how life is hard in general and how he fell asleep right after coming home from work. But considering that these are really minor issues, he said why worry about them that much.
Yes, why worry.
I'll be seeing my doctor tomorrow morning, and I could be on the operating table again on May 21, so in a big scheme of things I think things are really just fine.

My achievement of the day was that I just accepted on some level what was happening, did not start crying, but left the meeting before more harm than good was said and done. It does not mean I will continue to accept the situation. 

  

Mumford and Sons - Broken Crown

No to bullying

Sometimes putting distance between you and your "normal" daily life, can really change the way you see things.  I wrote a lot about work and bullying before vacation and that's been the previous trend too.. Things just get very unpleasant and challenging, seeing the same people day in day out is plain painful! Perhaps I need a new career- truck driver..?  Scenery and people change.
When I was in primary and secondary school, I was bullied most of the time. There was no choice at the time, those bullies were there all the time. School holidays were the only times when bullies weren't present. I knew very well where each of them lived, and avoided going anywhere near their houses.Journeys to school by school bus were torture. Somehow those bullies always positioned themselves close to me and those poor friends, who sat next to me. Mr VR was one of the worst. The bus bully. Mr's TR and TS were the school classroom bullies. In hindsight I can see Mr. TR was the weaker one, even though in size he was bigger. Without Mr. TS he could not function. Two girls, Miss LM and MO were pretty bad too and both of them totally unable to function without the other one. There are plenty more stories about what these guys did to me and my friends. Name and shame may not really benefit anyone or bring justice after all those years now, but let them just die in their own shame. They are very well aware of what their school years were like.

I am recognizing same pattern now- this is tens of years later and it did not cross my mind that anything like this would reoccur. Bullying. Right now I could kick those kids' asses, tell them where they really and truly belong, but that's because years passed and all of us kind of grew up. I'm not sure if those kids ever really grew up, went to high school, university, became famous..? I doubt that. Few of them were pretty simple and stupid. They probably remained that way.

Situation today resembles of what happened years ago, but adults (or so called adults) have more developed weapons. Verbal, that is as far as it goes, but words hurt too.

We need another survival guide- how to survive bullying at school and work.

The two bullies in the present day world are also very dependent on each other. One feeds the other one. One collects information and delivers the news. The other one whispers and excludes the rest of mere mortals.  That's not how an effective team works unless it's just a two man (or woman) team. In that case it blood well works.

Few more years and these two conquerors will be named and shamed too. My little black notebook is getting more and more exciting information about the "Adventures of The Two Poison Dwarfs". Interesting material for my forthcoming book.

Iceland

  

  

  

  

  

St. Petersburg

London

OMG

Question time: If you are working in a job, any job really, and co-workers don't like you, does your intuition tell you that you aren't in the right place? Do you desperately hang on and wait for things to settle or do you give up? Even after a year when things have just have not worked out? 
Awwww I just don't know the answer to that. I felt like I was in the right place, right time, right job, but now I have come to realize that this may not be the case. It's just awful to think I'd have wasted the last two years of my life in a job that was not meant for me after all. There are some great moments and awesome people I have met along the way, but that don't change the fact that The Job sucks right now!
I need opiates.
There have been threats all along- latest one is that bullying is not tolerated and that next step is personnel department. Ok. If that's the case, then it's the right time to expose the bloody nutcase. There is plenty of ammunition and 10 employees vs. culprit must have some effect.

Employee engagement surveys have never really reached those super high targets, and this time is not any different. In the past I've really tried to be considerate and kind of ignore some stuff, everything in moderation, but this time it is for real. I guess recent actions speak for themselves... latest threat to take "us" to personnel is really the last straw.  
Answer to the question above is that you gracefully step down, retreat into a corner, realize that it you and the job weren't the right match. More embarrassing, if you stay, and someone else is employed to take over. LOOOOOL. Think about that and just take a hike. 

 
 
 

Are we there yet?

"Do you know who you are? Do you know what's happened to you? Do you want to live this way?"
- Dr. Cristina Yang in Grey's Anatomy

I spent yesterday in Valium induced dream after procedure done in hospital. Well, actually there was no procedure at all. There was supposed to be one, but I said NO. No means f...ing NO and I meant it this time. No endometrial biopsy. Do I feel sorry for those wasted efforts it took for them to get everything set up expecting the patient to be fully compliant, asking no questions, just saying Yeah ok, let's do it. I am no ordinary patient. Keep your bloody biopsy tool in its sterile package.
I was prepared though, with Valium and extra strong painkiller. No wonder the day slipped past and there is no real recollection of the appointment itself.
It's just the way I wanted it. No pain.
There is no need to remember every single detail.

What's happened to me in the past few months? I've learned what sort of person I don't want to be nor become. I know the meaning of "micromanagement" and "bullying". I know that I don't always get my way, but when I very often have to back down and give others what they want, I don't handle that very well. I have noticed several people around me are suffering both mentally and physically and now same is beginning to happen to me. Cancer is history, but there are even more difficult issues to overcome. I'm trying hard not to become angry, bitter and ... a bully.

It might just be possible to sit back and let "others" concern themselves with all these issues. It might just be enough to make the cracks appear. Let them dig their own graves and land into their own traps. It is highly frustrating that I know what I would like to do, but can't get there, because I also fell into my own trap, built by me and several others around me. Trap of two years of no real direction. Fair amount of time is spent is pointless meetings, that often end is someone walking out. I can't often think of anything to say, because it is all irrelevant anyway. Just enough if I concentrate on drawing Mickey Mouses and other weird characters in my diary. Let 'em others talk whatever they want. My contribution is not needed.

There is a lot on my plate right now and I just need to answer this one question: "Do I want to live this way?"

University studies, one man, one horse, one operation in June. One hell of a mess in the house, because I've had no time to clean. Stuff and people appearing from the past and I have to deal with it. Ok, I will get there somehow, why not use the same tactic than that "someone", who covers up by delegating everything?

Katy B - Crying for No Reason