January 22, 2007

169 xxx

I have become a serial number- does this sound like I was in jail..? Today has been the day of blood samples, vaccinations, test and many more, meningitis vaccine that has already made me feel uneasy itchy feeling and a runny nose.
For the entire day I have been referred as 'xxxxxx'- it does not sound like me, but that's what I've become. I've never been good with numbers, maths, physics.. AAAAAAARGH. Serial number, part of the statistics, a meaningless number- lost my identity somewhere in the maze of hospital corridors.
Hospitals, health centers.. whatever they are called always fill me with suspicion and terror, just the thought of someone sticking one more needle in my arm.. In the past I have had to pop a couple of Valiums in my mouth, it was the only way that enabled me to get into the actual hospital building. 'Health center' sounds innocent, but do not let that mislead you. It is still full of needles and painful experiences. But yes, I know hospital personnel do try their best. I HATE NEEDLES, anything sharp really.
My sincere wish is that in not so distant future every individual would have an option; to choose between 'alternative medicine' or Western medicine. I know where i would be heading, most definitely not in to the state of the art latest technology hospital. My hospital career began when I was 18 years old, first as a student then as radiology technologist and RN- since then I have rarely ventured out of hospital environment, partly because it was safe and familiar something I knew well. One of the bravest steps for me was to study yoga, choose the path out of the hospital. I have not succeeded 100% in this yet, but it will happen one day. Nowadays yoga gives me the courage to face each day in this 'hostile' environment (and no I am not kidding, never ever in my life I have met so much negativity and bullying as I have among health care personnel). I caught myself early, before I became one of the bullies, and before my own negativity completely took over my life.
Now the work I have done for me is beginning to show its rewards- I can lead my life being kind to myself, allow myself to enjoy life, not live someone else's life, not having to ask permission to live my own life.. and one of the biggest gifts; forgiveness. It must have been in front of me and all around me all the time, but I did not realize until several people pointed it out to me. Well, I did not know where I was going, could not settle down, did not want to accept myself the way I was and did not want to change either... So help and guidance are needed sometimes, and I was blessed to find people who were willing to help. Thanks guys.
If there will be an opportunity to ever say thanks, I do not know..
This coming weekend (Thursday and Friday in our part of the world) I have been offered an opportunity to go horseback riding. Of course! I am looking forward to it, putting more distance between me and the hospital building. Not to gallop to the sunset, but instead concentrate on some groundwork and relax and enjoy it. Learn to love the horse, become one with the horse. Forget about serial numbers and needles for a few moments.

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