Miles away

Daydreaming, of course. I was woken by a nightmare, or a very unpleasant dream this morning about some events years ago. I had joined this group and we traveled to France every summer. Suddenly I no longer wanted to be there with them and wanted to pack and leave. In reality I wanted to leave countless times but I never left. The place where we stayed was quite isolated and you couldn't just take off like that, besides I was committed to stay and see it through come rain or shine. Thinking about the same now- would I cope, climbing a mountain, hiking, yoga etc. I am not in superb athlete condition. It's terrible to think serious illness can almost rob you of your life, and make you so weak and unfit and depressed.
Part of this is wondering when it is going to end, and how. I'm not really thinking about possible metastases every day, but this thought it kind of in the back of my head... some days more, some days less. If I encounter cancer patients at work, it makes me think about my situation (how lucky I was.. according to the doctors..). The scar in my neck is less visible and this morning I wore a necklace! So what?! I've not worn one since I was a little kid, due to the size of my neck, goiter and all this tumor business.
I remember in college in 1992 one of the teachers said I have an "abnormally thick" neck, compared to another student. This student T had a beautiful swan neck- anyone's neck would have looked exceptional next to mine. No hard feelings- teacher's comment now makes me wonder if I've had underactive thyroid all along....?

Weird entertainment

Few years ago there was a construction site just outside my window. When I was at home and felt I had nothing to do, I spent countless hours watching the activities at the site. Someone said to me they are building a shopping mall, but it turned out to be a "decontamination" site. Make of that what you like. All in preparation for a possible war.
Another useless pastime: watching Style Channel. Some programs are worth watching, some are not. Most of them are not, such as "Kimora life in the fab lane" or whatever it is called, "Dress my nest" and "Style her famous".
Then the most irritating video on VH1: Nicole Scherzinger's "Baby love". Oh no, not again, please spare us from listening to her. Not only the song gets on my nerves, but the video too is annoying, most annoying.
Flipping through my Moomin characters calendar.. Haisuli is wondering how to become famous- just do something no one else has ever thought of before.
True.

Camel transport

Why do I bother

Today, a client shouted at me at work. By the time he had finished what he had to say, I was seeing red and feeling hot and flushed. What a day. I don't deserve to be shouted at, but this guy went on and on and the next thing I can expect is a complaint. Next thing I am going to do is consider whether I need to stay here any longer, of this is all the thank you I ever get. How bloody uncivilized.

Argument

I "broke up" with one of my friends week ago. Her unhealthy habits have been annoying me quite a while, and also my being depressed and in a bad mood has not been a great aid in this. Hmm.. I may have few unhealthy habits too, but when someone close to me smokes, drinks etc I cannot watch it any longer. Towards the end I was making nasty remarks of her lifestyle and she was saying I was not easy to get along with. That's how the vicious circle started, and ended. The clock was ticking. I finally wrote her an e-mail saying her comments about my shopping and over-spending habits were truly unnecessary and unwelcome. The content of the e-mail must have been quite upsetting- when I read it afterward, I found it a tad too harsh, but it was too late by then. We exchanged few more e-mails, but it ended a couple of days ago. I realized perhaps we did not share that many interests after all- I liked my shopping, yoga, raw food diet.. she liked the pub and so on. I wonder if this is the end or if there is something else we can do to fix this? Are we willing to do it?
I think she must have gotten so irritated, angry and frustrated with me and there is no way back. No more weekends in Bahrain, no more shopping trips, no more movies, no more pubs. I wish her all the best despite of all this and hope she will be able to find someone more worthy..

Depression.. Well, one may become intolerable, angry, unpleasant... I guess that's what happened to me and since this went on for quite a while, more than six months, I could hardly ask anyone to be more patient with me.
But.. someone else in the same situation- I would have hang on, would not have left them alone....... I guess I was successful in driving my friend away.

Pictures

Going home?

I never thought this day would come; I am missing home. And no I am not talking about London, but Helsinki. I wonder how the world has changed, but from what I remember, Helsinki was always lovely and fresh in summer.. Winter, fall, those are whole different seasons and stories and I do not miss the cold, rainy, gray weather..
But then, I would miss a lot of things, people, big world out there.. Is it time to settle down? Not quite. I am still dreaming of a ranch vacation in Montana, sightseeing in Bangkok and sampling delicious cuisines in Delhi.

I'm kind of interested in buying a property, Kingston, Epsom and Guildford in Surrey, England, this is what I am going to explore this summer whilst in London on vacation.

Good bye cancer

So many surprises along the way.. So many I have kept hidden, did not want to share just yet. Part of this is because there is quite a distance between London and Dhahran.. and I was depressed too.
I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer again in September 2007- this was the month of the official diagnosis, but I already knew in May 2007. Knew for sure. Don't ask me how, I just knew. Call it intuition, awareness, my own stubbornness, that I insisted on more investigations. Long road to follow, but this is April and I am almost fully recovered. Sadness and depression still linger on, but each day is brighter. Mind you, the treatment is not yet finished, even though it's nearly there. I've got to have RAI- radioactive iodine treatment.
Months ago I said to one of my friends that I was glad I got cancer. It was a blessing in disguise, not the easiest challenge in my life, but not the most difficult one either. It was certainly taught me a lot- life is precious.