February 22, 2007


It has been challenging, these first two months. There is no point denying this. Of course there is certain amount of resistance that needs to be overcome, but can I ever be the first one to admit this? Never.
Still unnerving. I feel so unmotivated and lack confidence.. full of fear that I would not fulfill the new employers expectations .. Or failing my own expectations. This then reflects on my work itself- the type of work I always used to enjoy, but this is no longer the case. I am desperate for a brand new direction in my life- but my recent dreams (and nightmares) are guiding me to new destination. All I need to do is take the chance.
I have already lost count how many times I wondered was this the right thing to do, but every single feeble excuse proves me wrong, and all the signs tell me STAY. Wait and see. Be patient. Countless prayers; please let me go back, I do not need to stay here.. but then what did I have in London that was so much better than what I have here? Towards the end of my stay in London I was LONELY. Mostly my own decision and fault and whatever, I chose to be alone most of the time. When I spent time with people, I often kept my eye on the time, counted the minutes; get me outta here. Isolated myself. Went to movies by myself, immersed myself into films and escaped the harsh reality. Things and people that I did not want to face. When I moved to the temporary accommodation in London, even then I was just wishing my life away, sitting at Starbucks, waiting and waiting for the news..
Oh crap, why worry abut yesterday, it is gone and will not come back. Perhaps some of the choices I made 10 years ago were foolish, but then maybe this is the way it was all supposed to be going.
I will be visiting London this coming summer and will probably find out how much I have really changed then. For the better I hope.

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