February 04, 2007

Keeping up

Second day of 40 day Sadhana. This is what keeps me sane here. It s just so hard to understand why some people have taken over the role of making others' lives miserable- such as employees, who bully their colleagues at work. I have learned my lesson, I receive the criticism and negativity and even open hostility gracefully, but inside I am boiling, endless questions How on earth do these people lead there lives. Do they realize why they do what they do? My 'failure' today was to put some 'product stickers' on to a wrong page this afternoon. The page still had one line left, I thought nothing of it when the sticky labels landed on the page. So weird. Feedback arrived faster than the speed of sound, 'you SHOULD not have done it this way, it's MY way or the HIGHWAY'. Fair enough but how do you respond to a comment like that? and then it goes on and on again. Do you not start hesitating, when person like that stands next to you, watching every move, observing every gesture, judgmental, hostile, rude and deep deep anger steaming out of every pore. I felt like a frozen ice cube, no words came out of my mouth (yeah, my reputation grows as mute and deaf and fool)- and I am not normally like that.
I have no idea. I kept quiet, but in my mind I hear "If you cannot see God in all, you cannot see God at all". But..
Am I back in square 1?
Back to London? Back to God only knows where? If I pack my bags and go, has this bully won? Someone suggested i confront her, and maybe that is what I need to do- in a constructive way. It is obvious there is nothing or no one that pleases this person. Nothing can be done, or..? But one of the most perhaps not surprising thing is that this person reminds me of MYSELF- the way i WAS three years ago. God only knows how many people I insulted with my words- well, those people who were the victims of my verbal attacks know it for sure.. Time is a healer, I am no longer that person. How come I now need to face this person..?
i am in the middle east (it seems like middle earth at times like these), life is what it is and this is the path I have chosen.
Sadhana. Back to the beginning. It will help, it did before, there is a profound change in just about anything in one's life.. I did not realize how much I had missed Sadhana, cold shower in the morning, reciting Japji Sahib... The courage to face this person will have to come from ...outer space, mountains... Sadhana.. anywhere :)
If anyone out there has any ideas how to encounter people like this I would appreciate any even anonymous advice. Some sort of roadmap, book, articles, encouraging words. had I still been that insecure hateful person I was years ago, today's and last week's events would have driven me to committing suicide. But not now. Not anymore.

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