From the Dentist's Chair Part II

Finnish newspaper Helsingin sanomat publishes "Nyt-liite" every Friday, kind of an extra magazine with TV programs, movie info and some funny stories. Just after the day of my own agonizing visit to the evil dentist's cave, someone posed the same question: Why are people afraid of a dentist?
The answer is more funny than anything else, makes one wonder if it really is such a bad experience, worth being scared of? According to "Nyt", the answer is this: "The dentists office is much like a torture chamber from the Middle Age, and the equipment that is being used is just a powered version of old times' torture equipment. The dentist always tells you dental care has been neglected, you've eaten too much sweet stuff and have not brushed often enough. Talking about flossing, you've not done it either.

Shortly after your mouth will be filled by several items, such as forceps, gauze, suction, drills, needles.. Can't swallow, can't shout for help, it's too full and congested there."

Aaahhh this is so inspiring, I almost cried had it not been so funny.
Reluctanly I'll go for my appointment next week.. and hope for the best, fingers crossed.

Samma på svenska... ja, lite senare, vänta här, var så vänlig.
Sama suomeksi... joo, vähän myöhemmin, odottele.

From the dentist's chair

Greetings earthling. Are you afraid of a dentist?
Whilst I was on The Chair, many things went through my mind; I can't find my keys. I'm in love, or out of love. I go tomorrow, or maybe not. The sun is shining. I'm feeling tired.
Then finally relaxing silence, which lasted less than a minute, the dental hygienist was back on track and administered the final torture. Why do they ask questions, when you've mouth full of suction tubes, instruments and are about to choke on mixture of saliva and blood? When you try your best to say "I'm just fine here, enjoying my time", they still ask "What, I didn't hear what you said".
I heard it loud and clear- the hygienist is not very happy that I've not been to dentist since 2003, and that there MAY be a cavity. One cavity. Maybe. It wouldn't be so bad, but I've not had cavities, fillings or in general anything wrong with my teeth during this entire time I've spent on the earth. Some tartar yes, but so does my dog, his canine teeth are fast turning into green vampire teeth and this time next year the doggie can visit dental clinic for denture fitting. I don't intend this to so far, my teeth will receive all the help they can get.
Drilling.. I thought that's what they do on oil rigs only. Suctioning.. only for the intubated patients in ICU. Filling.. Possibly when you have to fill in something, not talking about filling cavities.
The answer is yes, I am afraid of a dentist, even if she looks blond and beautiful and innocent. And she does indeed, I already had the pleasure of meeting her. Gimme all you got, sedatives, Valium, general anesthesia.
The next step is x-rays of the affected tooth, then the treatment plan can be developed. But I ain't going there without a sedative, that's for sure.

Living like normal

Between rock and a hard place. In fact, nothing happened just yet, but when I saw my oncologist today, he asked me to come visit the general hospital tomorrow. Does this make me nervous/upset/scared? or all of the above? Yes, after all I've been through, it surely makes me uncomfortable. Once again, the guilt level rises and this small voice asks me am I not better off than someone who has an incurable dis-ease, be it cancer, heart failure, trauma.. Then multitude of questions start running through my mind, first one is Why me? Did I not love myself, was I too angry, did I eat something unhealthy, did I not look after myself, why cancer, why me? And most importantly; will it come back?
I guess there are no guarantees in this life, apart from death and taxes- and one may be able to avoid taxes too, somehow. But death, no.
By avoiding hospital, health centers, men in white coats, I can pretend it is all over, but I am just cheating myself- sometimes successfully and I manage to take one or two days off from being cancer patient. So tomorrow's visit to the hospital will hopefully be fruitful and produce some positive results. I am hoping to get medication called recombinant TSH (not sure in what form it will be; injection, tablet, liquid..?), this one is a fighter against fatigue, hair loss, weight gain, memory problems that being off Thyroxin would cause. Not necessarily all these symptoms, but I'd need to be off Thyroxin for 4 weeks prior to thyroid scan and possible radioactive iodine treatment.
I say "possible", because I've not yet made up my mind about any further treatment. According to the oncologist, I have an excellent prognosis, assuming I remain compliant with the treatment plan.
I've lost count how many times I've felt like throwing this treatment plan into a garbage bin, setting it on fire. Treatment garbage, treatment sucks, treatment is shit, whatever my doc suggested me one time, I said NO, NO and NO. Had enough, give me a break. Imagine sending cancer itself into a shredder or shoot it with a Kalashnikov.
But if I could somehoe find the courage to go to hospital tomorrow, just this once..

Pain

This is just a pain in the back after having a bad night sleep in what must be one of the most uncomfortable sofa beds in the world. Aaargh. It took time and effort to roll of the bed in the morning and right away I knew it was Tylenol time- and as promised magic T relieved the pain pretty fast. It was nowhere near the worst pain in the world and my pain threshold is high, much higher than few years ago. Worst kind of pain, one of them, must be eye pain. No way you can scratch or massage an eye, would this even relieve the pain? Writing from experience, I had laser eye treatment in 1997, successful I might add, and managed to ditch both contact lenses and eyeglasses, so it was definitely worth it. Well I miss my colored contact lenses but overall am very happy contact lenses belong to the past. After the treatment I went home, woke up following night with incredible eye pain!! Frantic search for painkillers, half an hour later the pain was still there, painkillers made me throw up too. I was finally forced to peel off the dressings and eye patch and did my best with painkiller eyedrops. After the second attempt (imagine doing this in the middle of the night, in the darkness, bright lights simply worsening the pain.. red painful weepy eye, exactly where you are supposed to "drop" the eyedrops..) I think one or two drops hit the eye, relief was almost instant, aaahhh. Eye dressing back on, back to bed.. 2-3 days later I took the dressing off and to my surprise I could SEE! Albeit with just one eye, but it was a miracle. My left eye was operated three months later and I was little better prepared and suffered no pain whatsoever. These days my eyesight is nearly perfect 20/20, so it was worth the investment.
Sure, there are many more types of pain in this world, we all experience it in a different way.. bone pain, headache, toothache, pain caused by heart attack.. yes, many of them worse than my eye pain more than 10 years ago...

Fortress in Hofuf

Brighter moments

From one continent to another.. Miracles of modern travel. It never ceases to amaze me how well and in comfort we all travel; instead opting for a seven week trek on a camel, an aircraft takes us from A to B, in my case it took less than 7 hours to fly from Bahrain to London. Then on arrival, I thought what have I done, I don't belong here. Luckily this is just my vacation, thanks be to God, and not a long term plan. What I like in London is shopping. Number one materialistic thing, but that's just the way it is. The parks, London Zoo; Kew Gardens- I like them too. What I don't like are the rush hour, crowded trains and buses.. and I 'm not looking forward to the London olympics either. Blessing in disguise, I left London, thought it would not be for good, but it may well be.

Funny incidents in London: rang my friend, who had forgotten I was coming. Rang him several times, sent text messages, finally gave up. Half an hour later he calls- from abroad asking where I am. Our paths crossed again, it has been five years since I've seen him.. Are we meant to meet again, for a cup of Arabic coffee and dates? Our paths crossed at the airport, different terminals, different days, same country. Bad timing.
Every time I read a local newspaper or was watching TV, there was always something that made me giggle. Previously I've never found it so amusing- why all of a sudden now..?
Walking in Soho, towards Soho Square and to the restaurant adjacent to Hare Krishna temple. Somehow thinking that the door is open, why.. amd I walk straight onto the door, banging my nose and forehead. I am almost too embarrassed to walk in to the restaurant, but feeling of hunger wins and the propect of having yummy vegetarian food is hard to resist.

The best of all news: I seem to have conquered cancer! No trace of it anywhere in my body and I feel hmmmm.... different. New. Brand new, detoxified, clean.. the list goes on, but I simply feel good and relaxed about everything now. Paid off all that bad karma?


Thinking of you

Days, months, years have passed
But I have not forgotten
More seconds, minutes, hours pass
I still remember

Incredibly easy to look into your eyes
and fall in love with you
An enormous task to forget you
It ain't easy

Keeping my feet on the ground
Watching the world go by
Awareness and knowledge of you somewhere in my mind
I won't forget.

What are you really thinking?

real stuff

The sun rises once again, and soon the day becomes unpleasantly hot and humid. I get up early- at 0730hrs, considering I had a pretty dreadful day at work previous day, incredibly busy, on my feet most of the day. So.. I run to the car, air-conditioning is a blessing in this sauna-like weather. Drive to the supermarket and back, it was fast and uneventful, couldn't remember what exactly I needed to buy so I buy a bit of everything. Fresh mint, bananas, salad, cheese, dates, newspaper. And yeah, "dates", those that can be eaten, not the chocolate coated ones, but the very fresh yummy ones from Madinah. "Dates"- not those, when I go out for a dinner with someone.

There's plenty to do today, but somehow I can't be bothered to concentrate on just one chore. Multi-tasking works too! More and more stuff still keeps piling up, regardless of how much clearing and cleaning I do.

Most of all I am looking forward to a month long vacation, but would still like to leave my house in habitable condition; for all the ants and spiders :) My neighbor kindly promised to look after my garden and plants.

This is one of the days I realize something has changed, but as always I cannot put my finger on what it is. I've come close before, kind of being able to understand the real meaning of life- most often right after meditation, inches and inches closer, but.. nothing. It is futile at the time, but the feeling of being blessed stays in me for a long time.

The caves.. They are almost magical, rising from the desert, from the sand, from the nothingness.

Never forget

Your life is yours and my life is mine
I cannot own you, neither can you own me.
I cannot love you forever, I cannot be part of your life forever.

My life is free, independent, without limits
I come and go, leaving people and things behind
And finding a new world again.
Free like a wind.

This is your world
There you may find love and happiness
In your world
I have to stay awake
All the time
So I would not miss a precious moment.

Being independent, being so afraid, all alone in my world
Without you
It is a scary thought
I cannot stop loving you
How can you be so far away
Living your life without me
Sharing your life with someone
Sleeping
Dreaming
In your own world.