December 30, 2010
December 29, 2010
New Year
Old year is soon coming to an end, and what do we remember of this past year..?
First thing that springs into my mind is that precious moment, when my horse and I really "got it", when we became inseparable. Yes, me and my horse.
On January 16, 2010 was my two year "free of cancer" anniversary, and the 3rd year one is approaching. This time there are no "what if's" in my mind- cancer is past, and future, whether we re talking about weeks, months, years- it is all ahead of me.
Me and my husband too became more than inseparable. We also "got it", and realized we are in this together- all of us.
My eye has healed well, one more check-up in January and it's an official good bye to pterygium. Never come back. Stay away (Who'd have know such an alien thing even exists...).
My new job has opened loads of new avenues, brought new challenges and both tears and joy. Missing a meeting or submitting an incomplete document for review aren't something to be highlighted or remembered years and years in a row- they are part of the learning process and no one apart from myself punished me very harshly. Of course I am perfectionist and want to achieve 100% in everything. Yeah, in that sense my memory is a curse, that I don't forget and forgive myself easily. Challenge for 2011..? Forget, forgive.
There is always room for improvement.
Things that I did not achieve were weight loss, as well as complete recovery from depression, but I guess I am on my way, at least able to admit that I'm not always feeling bright and cheerful.
I am going to keep my schedule relatively tight over the next year- but definitely enough room for just doing nothing, relaxing, sleeping.. and few 100% challenge-free days.
December 22, 2010
Nasty neck spasms and other ailments
Deskjob causes great discomfort in many ways. Sitting all day long, bad posture, typing furiously whilst on the phone, dealing with more than three tasks at the same time, cup of coffee, buried under papers and documents.
It all began with numbness in the fingers of right hand, weird kind of tingling. My body can't take any more.
Neck spasms are awful, real abuse. I'm off to massage followed up a visit to drugstore- good bye neck spasms.
It all began with numbness in the fingers of right hand, weird kind of tingling. My body can't take any more.
Neck spasms are awful, real abuse. I'm off to massage followed up a visit to drugstore- good bye neck spasms.
November 01, 2010
No excuses this time
I missed a meeting at work last week. And then another today. I had no excuses this time.
How is this going to improve my performance rating..?
It won't. Quite right, I felt awful and I still do and now I am questioning myself "Why, how, what, where?", vicious circle once I got started, same thoughts in my head and I can't forget even for one minute.
Husband told me "Don't be stupid, pay attention on your job". Quite right.
Something that went wrong like this, how do I make it right?
How is this going to improve my performance rating..?
It won't. Quite right, I felt awful and I still do and now I am questioning myself "Why, how, what, where?", vicious circle once I got started, same thoughts in my head and I can't forget even for one minute.
Husband told me "Don't be stupid, pay attention on your job". Quite right.
Something that went wrong like this, how do I make it right?
October 26, 2010
October 17, 2010
Survival Guide- Pterygium
Pterygium is:
a) gravitational force field
b) eye disease
c) floral pattern
Wikipedia tells is as it is:
"Pterygium most often refers to a benign growth of the conjunctiva. A pterygium commonly grows from the nasal side of the sclera. It is associated with, and thought to be caused by ultraviolet-light exposure (e.g. sunlight), low humidity, and dust."
Pterygium is sort of eye disease- I wonder how common it really is, because I had never heard of it until I found one in my eye. It was a filmlike worthless growth, not painful at all, but caused irritation and became bright red telling the truth about my sleepless nights. Tiredness, wind and sun seemed to make it worse. At first I thought it's like cling film, something that could be used in kitchen to cover the leftovers and pop the container in the fridge. So I tried to scratch it off, but of course nothing happened- sloppy performance. It was there to remain and nothing except from a sharp knife or another kind of instrument would remove it.
I had my procedure done as day surgery, hospital in the morning, home in the evening, which suited me very well and I recovered from general anesthesia (bless those mind-altering substances!) by the time day surgery ward closed. I was asleep throughout the whole thing, just did not feel comfortable hearing and "feeling" things happening around me, so sleep sleep sleep was the way to go for me. Local anesthesia works well, that I can say from experience, having had eye pressure checked numerous times prior (and as an afterthought, after surgery too) to surgery. But just the thought of someone poking my eye with sharpest tool in the box.. It was a NO.
After surgery I was little nauseated, no pain at all.
The first week wasn't the most comfortable week in my life, but not the worst either. During the worst moments, Brufen/Panadol took care of the discomfort, I would not even go as far as saying it was pain. Just discomfort. Eye drops and ointment caused more headache so to speak, it was kind of a challenge to get the ointment to go where it was supposed to go: not on the top of the eyelid or on upper part of cheek. Into the eye, somehow.
Eye is still red, but white part of the eye is getting back into its normal "white" condition- no pain at all, eye drops daily x4. Eye opens well, eyesight may have improved, but I am not sure about that just yet. I don't even know if pterygium affected eyesight, how far it had really grown. Well of course the doctor explained all this, but I could only absorb so much information- the part that I considered important at the time.
The thought of having something "alien" in my eye was strange and almost as soon as pterygium appeared and I found out what it was, I knew it had no place in MY eye, and out it comes, sooner or later. Latest vision check-up shows perfect vision in the right, and 25/20 vision on the left, this is pretty good I think.
Good result, as good as it can get. Doc said that he removed it all, it was pterygium, nothing malignant, and that message meant the world to me. It was not a painful separation.
Definitely an eye opener- pun intended.
a) gravitational force field
b) eye disease
c) floral pattern
Wikipedia tells is as it is:
"Pterygium most often refers to a benign growth of the conjunctiva. A pterygium commonly grows from the nasal side of the sclera. It is associated with, and thought to be caused by ultraviolet-light exposure (e.g. sunlight), low humidity, and dust."
Pterygium is sort of eye disease- I wonder how common it really is, because I had never heard of it until I found one in my eye. It was a filmlike worthless growth, not painful at all, but caused irritation and became bright red telling the truth about my sleepless nights. Tiredness, wind and sun seemed to make it worse. At first I thought it's like cling film, something that could be used in kitchen to cover the leftovers and pop the container in the fridge. So I tried to scratch it off, but of course nothing happened- sloppy performance. It was there to remain and nothing except from a sharp knife or another kind of instrument would remove it.
I had my procedure done as day surgery, hospital in the morning, home in the evening, which suited me very well and I recovered from general anesthesia (bless those mind-altering substances!) by the time day surgery ward closed. I was asleep throughout the whole thing, just did not feel comfortable hearing and "feeling" things happening around me, so sleep sleep sleep was the way to go for me. Local anesthesia works well, that I can say from experience, having had eye pressure checked numerous times prior (and as an afterthought, after surgery too) to surgery. But just the thought of someone poking my eye with sharpest tool in the box.. It was a NO.
After surgery I was little nauseated, no pain at all.
The first week wasn't the most comfortable week in my life, but not the worst either. During the worst moments, Brufen/Panadol took care of the discomfort, I would not even go as far as saying it was pain. Just discomfort. Eye drops and ointment caused more headache so to speak, it was kind of a challenge to get the ointment to go where it was supposed to go: not on the top of the eyelid or on upper part of cheek. Into the eye, somehow.
Eye is still red, but white part of the eye is getting back into its normal "white" condition- no pain at all, eye drops daily x4. Eye opens well, eyesight may have improved, but I am not sure about that just yet. I don't even know if pterygium affected eyesight, how far it had really grown. Well of course the doctor explained all this, but I could only absorb so much information- the part that I considered important at the time.
The thought of having something "alien" in my eye was strange and almost as soon as pterygium appeared and I found out what it was, I knew it had no place in MY eye, and out it comes, sooner or later. Latest vision check-up shows perfect vision in the right, and 25/20 vision on the left, this is pretty good I think.
Good result, as good as it can get. Doc said that he removed it all, it was pterygium, nothing malignant, and that message meant the world to me. It was not a painful separation.
Definitely an eye opener- pun intended.
September 12, 2010
September 10, 2010
Unfit and short of breath
Those who have experienced frequent fluctuations in their weight, know this: one day your weight is within "normal" limits, you feel fit and energetic, just to "wake up" one day to realize things have gone into opposite direction. Fit, but fat. High BMI. Obese, overweight.. yeah something like that. Not everyone is blessed with ultraspeedy metabolic rate. It's much easier to walk amongst the crowd, unnoticed for months and even years, pop into coffee shop, enjoy the latte and croissant.. until one day clothes do not fit. Image in the mirror looks.. ok. Off to the shops and buy something bigger to wear. Stretchy clothes are the best, they cover multitude of sins. At the same time no one including me notices the gain of extra pounds.
Weighing scale, an enemy shows a reading that simply must be wrong.
Yes, I am obese, near the crossroads of being "just" overweight, but let's face it, BMI of 30.5 is classified as obese. I did not think anything of it, because I could still wear size 12-14 clothes. They still looked pretty good on me, not the most comfortable and best fit, but still they fit.
Having been denied bariatric surgery (as I am not morbidly obese, neither am I diabetic or have any other debilitating condition), I realized I've got to do it on my own.
Not totally alone, of course. There are gyms, personal trainers, walking and running tracks etc, yoga classes.
First step cutting back all unnecessary stuff such as pastries, cookies, Pepsi, candies. It is still soooo hard to pass by the cookie shelf at the supermarket. Cheesecakes, fresh white bread, chocolate chip cookies.
Second step: remember the 12 step program for AA. Yes, it might be the best decision to cut it all out, no cookies. One small single cookie may be the beginning of snowball effect and eating habits become erratic again.
My new job gives me regular hours, an opportunity to exercise, eat sensibly. Insomnia is non-existent, I sleep better and can survive well with just 6 hours of sleep as opposed to 12 hours before.
Of course healthy eating and exercise contribute to good night's sleep too.
Off Pepsi for weeks now and soon after that my life became much better; good quality sleep. Brighter skin (thanks to glycolic peels too). More energy.
I'm not saying this is going to be easy as it was much easier to eat eat and eat.
I've got to fill the empty spaces that food left in my life with something else. I am an unfit fat yoga teacher, but it's not too late.
Weighing scale, an enemy shows a reading that simply must be wrong.
Yes, I am obese, near the crossroads of being "just" overweight, but let's face it, BMI of 30.5 is classified as obese. I did not think anything of it, because I could still wear size 12-14 clothes. They still looked pretty good on me, not the most comfortable and best fit, but still they fit.
Having been denied bariatric surgery (as I am not morbidly obese, neither am I diabetic or have any other debilitating condition), I realized I've got to do it on my own.
Not totally alone, of course. There are gyms, personal trainers, walking and running tracks etc, yoga classes.
First step cutting back all unnecessary stuff such as pastries, cookies, Pepsi, candies. It is still soooo hard to pass by the cookie shelf at the supermarket. Cheesecakes, fresh white bread, chocolate chip cookies.
Second step: remember the 12 step program for AA. Yes, it might be the best decision to cut it all out, no cookies. One small single cookie may be the beginning of snowball effect and eating habits become erratic again.
My new job gives me regular hours, an opportunity to exercise, eat sensibly. Insomnia is non-existent, I sleep better and can survive well with just 6 hours of sleep as opposed to 12 hours before.
Of course healthy eating and exercise contribute to good night's sleep too.
Off Pepsi for weeks now and soon after that my life became much better; good quality sleep. Brighter skin (thanks to glycolic peels too). More energy.
I'm not saying this is going to be easy as it was much easier to eat eat and eat.
I've got to fill the empty spaces that food left in my life with something else. I am an unfit fat yoga teacher, but it's not too late.
August 26, 2010
July 30, 2010
Hey you, tailgater
This is not my last, or the first post of weird driver performances in traffic.
On my way home from work, on a narrow road, I saw fast approaching pair or bright shiny headlights in my rear view mirror. All of a sudden they were, few inches to spare between his and my car. Brake time! Even red brake lights did not slow him down, not mine anyway and his luxury car was missing the brakes altogether! Considering he was at least a mile away when I turned on this road, he must have been speeding as well, just like he was doing right now. I say "he", because this Speedy Gonzalez parked his car when he reached his destination- same as mine, and I saw him getting out of the car, looking all smug and proud of his white maximum performance Nissan Maxima. Yay! Car ain't even his property, it is daddy's!
I could just stand there and look and wonder what sort of punishment this chap deserves. I stood and wondered so long that he was already gone.
But wait, there's always next time, and the next and so on, and next time I'll take a photo of both of them and call 911.
Another one for your entertainment: two lanes leading towards home (as always..). Speedy Gonzales in GMC stops at the red light, just after he has overtaken me twice (don't ask me how he did it, and I was well within the 65 speed limit). Light's RED, bright RED but the moron decides for him it has already turned GREEN, brightest of all. GMC ready for action, he turns to right and I stay behind- no words, but, yes, this is another Kodak moment!
What's the excuse of speeding? Tail-gating? None I say.
Airbag may save your life, or it may not, all that's needed is one crash and adios speedy four wheeled vehicle. It's a different story what happens to life itself then. It is not just YOU, the driver of Nissan Maxima/GMC, alone in this world, but many others too. Would your consciousness tell you you are still this good likeable chap if you went to killed someone else in the process? I don't know and can't imagine how, if ever, one can get over the thought of killing someone you love while showing off in daddy's white Nissan Maxima.
There are people dying of cancer and many many other things all over the world- why is it that some drivers have death-wish?
Nothing against GMC/Nissan Maxima drivers, but those two often stick out like a sore thumb.
On my way home from work, on a narrow road, I saw fast approaching pair or bright shiny headlights in my rear view mirror. All of a sudden they were, few inches to spare between his and my car. Brake time! Even red brake lights did not slow him down, not mine anyway and his luxury car was missing the brakes altogether! Considering he was at least a mile away when I turned on this road, he must have been speeding as well, just like he was doing right now. I say "he", because this Speedy Gonzalez parked his car when he reached his destination- same as mine, and I saw him getting out of the car, looking all smug and proud of his white maximum performance Nissan Maxima. Yay! Car ain't even his property, it is daddy's!
I could just stand there and look and wonder what sort of punishment this chap deserves. I stood and wondered so long that he was already gone.
But wait, there's always next time, and the next and so on, and next time I'll take a photo of both of them and call 911.
Another one for your entertainment: two lanes leading towards home (as always..). Speedy Gonzales in GMC stops at the red light, just after he has overtaken me twice (don't ask me how he did it, and I was well within the 65 speed limit). Light's RED, bright RED but the moron decides for him it has already turned GREEN, brightest of all. GMC ready for action, he turns to right and I stay behind- no words, but, yes, this is another Kodak moment!
What's the excuse of speeding? Tail-gating? None I say.
Airbag may save your life, or it may not, all that's needed is one crash and adios speedy four wheeled vehicle. It's a different story what happens to life itself then. It is not just YOU, the driver of Nissan Maxima/GMC, alone in this world, but many others too. Would your consciousness tell you you are still this good likeable chap if you went to killed someone else in the process? I don't know and can't imagine how, if ever, one can get over the thought of killing someone you love while showing off in daddy's white Nissan Maxima.
There are people dying of cancer and many many other things all over the world- why is it that some drivers have death-wish?
Nothing against GMC/Nissan Maxima drivers, but those two often stick out like a sore thumb.
July 20, 2010
July 07, 2010
Fell off the wagon
Grey's anatomy ended in a strange, but fascinating way and I am going to keep watching. One thing I quit is FarmVille. They kept losing my horses, newly built stable, harvester and crops that I had already harvested, kept withering. New addiction is FrontierVille, but I much rather go visit my horse and farm all I can at his stable.
One of the weirdest most disturbing nightmare last night: I left, came back, found myself climbing up high rise building wall and onto balcony, then let myself in, found my room. Filthy, looked like it was already occupied (why didn't I utilize elevator, instead of rock-climbing on the building wall..?). Then I met my new housemates, but thought this is sooooo weird.. And what happened to my horse? Where is everyone I know? Kept delaying going to the stable, and when I finally did find my way there, I was told my horse died two weeks before I returned. All I saw was an empty stall! Then I woke up and realized it was just a nightmare, but still it felt so real.
It was much worse that all cancer nightmares, real and in dreams, that I have ever had.
New job is waiting just around the corner, in October. Waiting and waiting.
One of the weirdest most disturbing nightmare last night: I left, came back, found myself climbing up high rise building wall and onto balcony, then let myself in, found my room. Filthy, looked like it was already occupied (why didn't I utilize elevator, instead of rock-climbing on the building wall..?). Then I met my new housemates, but thought this is sooooo weird.. And what happened to my horse? Where is everyone I know? Kept delaying going to the stable, and when I finally did find my way there, I was told my horse died two weeks before I returned. All I saw was an empty stall! Then I woke up and realized it was just a nightmare, but still it felt so real.
It was much worse that all cancer nightmares, real and in dreams, that I have ever had.
New job is waiting just around the corner, in October. Waiting and waiting.
June 28, 2010
June 10, 2010
June 09, 2010
Odd post
Today is the official "hate cancer" day.
My thoughts are darker and negative, therefore the blog post won't be long today.
Can't it be eradicated, could the same that happened to the dinosaurs happen to cancer too?
Au revoir cancer.
My thoughts are darker and negative, therefore the blog post won't be long today.
Can't it be eradicated, could the same that happened to the dinosaurs happen to cancer too?
Au revoir cancer.
May 21, 2010
To Bangkok and back
Carter is back in ER. After all of them old ER staff, Dr Greene, Carol, Dr Weaver etc left, the whole show felt empty. Then came Grey's anatomy, but now that Dr Carter is around, even for a short while, ER is back in my list of Top 10 things to do and see.
Eye surgery is just around the corner, question is when and where. Bangkok? It's one of the options, especially at the Bumrungrad Hospital. There are many more hospitals and doctors, whose scalpel will soon cut into my eye, so all I need is to make the right decision, decision that will save my eyesight.
Farmville keeps me entertained and provides an escape from reality. How wonderful would it be to live on a virtual farm, forget all about eye disease, headache, work and taxes.
Eye surgery is just around the corner, question is when and where. Bangkok? It's one of the options, especially at the Bumrungrad Hospital. There are many more hospitals and doctors, whose scalpel will soon cut into my eye, so all I need is to make the right decision, decision that will save my eyesight.
Farmville keeps me entertained and provides an escape from reality. How wonderful would it be to live on a virtual farm, forget all about eye disease, headache, work and taxes.
May 20, 2010
May 06, 2010
Live for today
I feel sometimes that I have nothing, but I know that I have everything.
Living from one check-up, scan, blood test to another is no life, I've got to have something else to live for.
May 30 is getting closer, and that is another day of torture while I wait to hear the verdict.. melanoma or no melanoma.. Is it really truly possible to live like this, from one challenge and catastrophe to another, waiting to hear if life is for living or does it need to be stored away for some time?
Restless times around the world, same restlessness as inside my mind.
What if I had to give up all I have?
Where would I go to escape?
April 29, 2010
Time to take this seriously
.. face the fact that I have recovered from cancer, but to realize now there are other challenges ahead..
.. need to plan how to get the pterygium growth removed; when, where and how much?
.. fix my diet right now ensuring that I won't develop diabetes that requires insulin or tablets, that could be harder than hard to control. Just saying No to all sodas, chocolates, pastries.. and of course my beloved ice cream. Watch others enjoy them, but I'll probably never be able to touch them otherwise I get that terrible urge to hoard all the world's chocolates and ice creams into my house. And binge eat them all.
April 26, 2010
Sugar rush
Something weird happened today, something that has happened before, but it was just so much stronger today. Few years back in yoga teacher training we had healthy nutritious food all week, I felt fine with that, even though I could not grab my usual daily snacks and stuff that I used to eat without thinking. Somehow not even realizing I had opened refrigerator door and taking something out of there..
During this yogic week I realized it is very much possible to live with less food as long as it is nutritious. Plenty of water and tea. No caffeine, no sugar.
At the end of the week we had wedding celebration and wedding cake at the end. Tasty, very delicious and old habits die hard so I took one piece and second helping too when it was offered. Sugar went right into my head! I felt like I was drunk.
Earlier today I had a very similar experience after eating ice cream. Not a big portion, but almost immediately I felt lightheaded and nauseated. Ice cream no longer causes diarrhea, but acts in a very different new way. I don't know if I prefer this to diarrhea, but no one's asking me my opinion- just reminds me I'm not invincible. Can't choose, can't change the fact that sugar and me don't match. As we get older, diabetes or other stuff may not come as surprise. Poison singer Bret Michaels had brain hemorrhage, and he also has diabetes! He's also relatively young.
Sugar overload. Is this beginning of diabetes?
Let's fly again
- Next seat passenger had too many bags. Member of cabin crew asked him to store them under the seat. The bag was just too bulky to fit in anywhere! So he stored them on the window seat, then sat his even more bulky frame next to me. 3.5 hour flight was a struggle for survival of the fittest, i.e. who gains the armrest. At the end none of us did, but I got a taste of his elbow every time he adjusted seat belt, his position etc. A weird but wonderful fact of him was that he never really spoke, not a word. Quiet flight ahead I thought, until he requested a glass of water brought to him: "Sister, water!". Oh ok, he can talk then. He could talk ok, but he really could not figure out how to use the seat belt, so that gave me plenty of entertainment.
- At the end of the flight each and every passenger stood up, even before seat belt sign was switched off. ALL of them in a narrow corridor. I attempted to protect myself by holding onto laptop bag and managed then to avoid most of the elbows. Was I glad to get out of the aircraft.. Yes!! But at the same time have to be grateful I even got to fly- volcanic cloud kept most European airports closed for quite a while.
- At the end of the flight each and every passenger stood up, even before seat belt sign was switched off. ALL of them in a narrow corridor. I attempted to protect myself by holding onto laptop bag and managed then to avoid most of the elbows. Was I glad to get out of the aircraft.. Yes!! But at the same time have to be grateful I even got to fly- volcanic cloud kept most European airports closed for quite a while.
April 19, 2010
Stranded
Tomorrow is supposed to be the day when I fly to London, but it doesn't appear there is much hope of any flights departing.
Stranded, but not desperate (yet), but of course miss my hubby and the horse and will not travel without them ever again. Horse may not fit into suitcase, but I'll find a way :-)
One option I've been considering is carpooling to Central Europe, from there who knows.. Not sure how easy it is to get hotel rooms, book train/bus tickets etc, but I'll try. Aiming to Spain or Italy or Greece. Somewhere there.
Stranded, but not desperate (yet), but of course miss my hubby and the horse and will not travel without them ever again. Horse may not fit into suitcase, but I'll find a way :-)
One option I've been considering is carpooling to Central Europe, from there who knows.. Not sure how easy it is to get hotel rooms, book train/bus tickets etc, but I'll try. Aiming to Spain or Italy or Greece. Somewhere there.
April 15, 2010
Clean bill of health
Dentist: No cavities. Clean bill of health.
Ophthalmologist: Left eye is far-sighted and has astigmatism. Right eye normal. Left eye has a benign growth called pterygium. Wikipedia, ever so helpful, says: "Pterygium most often refers to a benign growth of the conjunctiva. A pterygium commonly grows from the nasal side of the sclera. It is associated with, and thought to be caused by ultraviolet-light exposure (e.g. sunlight), low humidity, and dust." So it is not melanoma or diabetic retinopathy.
It's not actually painful at all, I barely notice it, but it is there all right and made me wonder what alien growth I got in my eye. Treatment for the pterygium seems more complicated; Wikipedia talks about conjunctival auto-grafting, strontium therapy, mitomycin and amniotic membrane transplantation.
If anyone has any information about the treatment and/or can send me link to relevant website, I'd be most grateful.
Pterygium- a benign growth, but it is still somehow disturbing. The doc said it has "not invaded the optic area yet".. Not yet. What happens when it does?
Ophthalmologist: Left eye is far-sighted and has astigmatism. Right eye normal. Left eye has a benign growth called pterygium. Wikipedia, ever so helpful, says: "Pterygium most often refers to a benign growth of the conjunctiva. A pterygium commonly grows from the nasal side of the sclera. It is associated with, and thought to be caused by ultraviolet-light exposure (e.g. sunlight), low humidity, and dust." So it is not melanoma or diabetic retinopathy.
It's not actually painful at all, I barely notice it, but it is there all right and made me wonder what alien growth I got in my eye. Treatment for the pterygium seems more complicated; Wikipedia talks about conjunctival auto-grafting, strontium therapy, mitomycin and amniotic membrane transplantation.
If anyone has any information about the treatment and/or can send me link to relevant website, I'd be most grateful.
Pterygium- a benign growth, but it is still somehow disturbing. The doc said it has "not invaded the optic area yet".. Not yet. What happens when it does?
April 04, 2010
Fun fun vacation fun
My latest post gave no credit to BA, and I swore I'd never ever fly with them. Unfortunately, or fortunately, whichever way we'd like to think about it, my flight was a codeshare flight between BA and few other OneWorld airlines. So I had no choice, hop on aboard and fly. I arrived, my luggage arrived and I was happy. Yeah, I alomost forgot, it's strictly business, just one piece of luggage allowed to be checked-in, if you insist on checking in another one it will cost £35 per bag. Still, it is good bye BA, I'd look for other alternatives, even traveling on a boat would be a better option.. Besides, the alternative airline this time was cheaper! A lot cheaper.
Security was a hard chore, removed my boots and jacket and was I just imagining it, but the chap at the security checkpoint appeared disappointed when it turned out I was not carrying metal objects or weapons of any kind. Well, I am not clever enough to even think of inventing a shoe bomb or anything like that. So they had to let me and my bags go in peace.
Vacations are awesome, it takes few days to forget all about work etc but the brain finally gets the message and the vacation has begun!
It feels perfectly safe being in another environment, in different parts of the world and my vacation this time will take me in four countries, kind of a race against time.
All that's not part of this environment, stays away; insomnia, cancer, failed relationships, diet Pepsi, hoofbeats, scorching burning heat and the sun and many more. I've refrained from checking work e-mails.
Months ago me and hubby were watching Mrs Doubtfire, and so totally immersed in the movie that the rest of the world seemed so far away. Not just because me and Mrs D have few things in common, but because it was such fun and great entertainment. I feel a bit like living in Mrs Doubtfire world right now, rest of the world nowhere to be found, safe in a cocoon, nothing bad can happen.
Security was a hard chore, removed my boots and jacket and was I just imagining it, but the chap at the security checkpoint appeared disappointed when it turned out I was not carrying metal objects or weapons of any kind. Well, I am not clever enough to even think of inventing a shoe bomb or anything like that. So they had to let me and my bags go in peace.
Vacations are awesome, it takes few days to forget all about work etc but the brain finally gets the message and the vacation has begun!
It feels perfectly safe being in another environment, in different parts of the world and my vacation this time will take me in four countries, kind of a race against time.
All that's not part of this environment, stays away; insomnia, cancer, failed relationships, diet Pepsi, hoofbeats, scorching burning heat and the sun and many more. I've refrained from checking work e-mails.
Months ago me and hubby were watching Mrs Doubtfire, and so totally immersed in the movie that the rest of the world seemed so far away. Not just because me and Mrs D have few things in common, but because it was such fun and great entertainment. I feel a bit like living in Mrs Doubtfire world right now, rest of the world nowhere to be found, safe in a cocoon, nothing bad can happen.
March 29, 2010
Dedicated to the thyroid gland
Dear Thyroid,
It has been more than two years since you left me.
You were misbehaving for almost 10 years, if not more, so I needed to make arrangements for your "removal". It was not easy to make you leave me, but the decision of making that happen was veryyyy easy for me. Very much so. You grew bigger, smaller, huge, large, then shrank again and I had no neck. You simply were a nuisance! Your were no longer called "thyroid", you had become an alien: goiter.
For the first time in my life I have a neck! There is just a small scar as proof that you once existed.
I do not miss you, but at times, very rarely wonder where you ended up. Probably somewhere in the trash bin- kind of a sad end, but I assure you it was the way to go.
You were part of me for many years, you'd think I miss you, but I do not.
Since you left, I have been replacing you with Synthroid, little white tablet. Hard to get the dose right, but I am surviving.
Fatigued, but surviving.
It has been more than two years since you left me.
You were misbehaving for almost 10 years, if not more, so I needed to make arrangements for your "removal". It was not easy to make you leave me, but the decision of making that happen was veryyyy easy for me. Very much so. You grew bigger, smaller, huge, large, then shrank again and I had no neck. You simply were a nuisance! Your were no longer called "thyroid", you had become an alien: goiter.
For the first time in my life I have a neck! There is just a small scar as proof that you once existed.
I do not miss you, but at times, very rarely wonder where you ended up. Probably somewhere in the trash bin- kind of a sad end, but I assure you it was the way to go.
You were part of me for many years, you'd think I miss you, but I do not.
Since you left, I have been replacing you with Synthroid, little white tablet. Hard to get the dose right, but I am surviving.
Fatigued, but surviving.
March 26, 2010
Arrivederci BA
Let that be the very last time I book any flights with British Airways.
They have just canceled my flight, and as a result all my other plans have been canceled too. Hotel bookings that cannot be canceled, are non refundable and altogether I have lost probably more than US$1000.
So it is good bye and adieu BA.
They have just canceled my flight, and as a result all my other plans have been canceled too. Hotel bookings that cannot be canceled, are non refundable and altogether I have lost probably more than US$1000.
So it is good bye and adieu BA.
March 22, 2010
White tail and other stories
From time to time things and events from the past just surface, just like that. I guess same happens to many of us, we could be doing anything and all of a sudden something funny/painful/embarrassing/ -fill the gap- comes into mind.
Starting from yesterday.
Paradise on earth- even though it is man-made: Ritz-Carlton in Bahrain. I spent few wonderful days there, doing absolutely nothing. Well, I had massage and facial, but did not need to do anything myself. Then I had a walk along the beach, which is just so lonely. Big city around, but still it feels so tranquil and serene, it's like being on another planet. Pink beautiful flamingos bathing in a small lake (pond?).
The hotel itself is amazing. All the rooms, no matter which part of the world they face, are luxurious, but of course it is much more exciting to be facing the seaside.
When I was recovering from thyroidectomy, not particularly in pain, but nauseous, in the recovery room. Anesthetist passes by and says "Give her Metoclopramide" (= which must be one of the most well-known antiemetics AKA anti-nausea meds). Yep, good idea for some, but I am allergic to it, so advice to this healthcare professional is check patient's file and other relevant information first and don't just offer your opinion of a patient who is NOT even YOURS!
If I knew or even remembered him, I'd give him a piece of my mind.
Trust your doctor, but not blindly. I think us patients know something more about our condition than a passerby, never mind he might be an almighty anesthetist.
Cancer memories aren't always bad- without it I wouldn't have met many of the people I know today.
Once upon a time.. very very long time ago I was at home, preparing to go to work. I had sprained my wrist, but there and then decided I need a shower and unwrapped and removed the bandage. After the shower it felt fine, so I thought bandage is no longer necessary. I could always re-apply it later. Off I went to the metro station. 1/2 mile walk.
At the station, I felt uncomfortable and kind of weird, because some people were looking at me.
Finally, one lady approached me and said "Err, have you noticed that you have a tail?"
Tail? Dogs and cats have one, but surely not humans.
She was pointing at my backside. 'Something white.. like a tail.." Yes!!!!! IT was the BANDAGE. The one I had just left home, or so I thought. Sticky tape, which I had forgotten, which held the bandage in place was now stuck on my butt. Thank God for the kind lady who pointed out I had a tail. I had carried it with me for more than 1/2 a mile and no one along the way found it weird that I have a long white tail.
Well, I felt that the tail's tale had come to an end and threw it into trash bin.
Starting from yesterday.
Paradise on earth- even though it is man-made: Ritz-Carlton in Bahrain. I spent few wonderful days there, doing absolutely nothing. Well, I had massage and facial, but did not need to do anything myself. Then I had a walk along the beach, which is just so lonely. Big city around, but still it feels so tranquil and serene, it's like being on another planet. Pink beautiful flamingos bathing in a small lake (pond?).
The hotel itself is amazing. All the rooms, no matter which part of the world they face, are luxurious, but of course it is much more exciting to be facing the seaside.
When I was recovering from thyroidectomy, not particularly in pain, but nauseous, in the recovery room. Anesthetist passes by and says "Give her Metoclopramide" (= which must be one of the most well-known antiemetics AKA anti-nausea meds). Yep, good idea for some, but I am allergic to it, so advice to this healthcare professional is check patient's file and other relevant information first and don't just offer your opinion of a patient who is NOT even YOURS!
If I knew or even remembered him, I'd give him a piece of my mind.
Trust your doctor, but not blindly. I think us patients know something more about our condition than a passerby, never mind he might be an almighty anesthetist.
Cancer memories aren't always bad- without it I wouldn't have met many of the people I know today.
Once upon a time.. very very long time ago I was at home, preparing to go to work. I had sprained my wrist, but there and then decided I need a shower and unwrapped and removed the bandage. After the shower it felt fine, so I thought bandage is no longer necessary. I could always re-apply it later. Off I went to the metro station. 1/2 mile walk.
At the station, I felt uncomfortable and kind of weird, because some people were looking at me.
Finally, one lady approached me and said "Err, have you noticed that you have a tail?"
Tail? Dogs and cats have one, but surely not humans.
She was pointing at my backside. 'Something white.. like a tail.." Yes!!!!! IT was the BANDAGE. The one I had just left home, or so I thought. Sticky tape, which I had forgotten, which held the bandage in place was now stuck on my butt. Thank God for the kind lady who pointed out I had a tail. I had carried it with me for more than 1/2 a mile and no one along the way found it weird that I have a long white tail.
Well, I felt that the tail's tale had come to an end and threw it into trash bin.
March 12, 2010
RAI brain
While writing this I am enjoying a slice of blueberry cheesecake and wondering how am I going to lose few more pounds before my vacation.. I probably won't.
One day last week I ate crisps, whole bag of salty crispy tasty crisps..
Ice cream, Aero chocolate.
One day last month I realized I had been taking double dose of Synthroid, because I did not "read the label" or the small print. That was the time when I had severe insomnia, 4-5 hour of sleep at night and I was really suffering at work.
Yoga practice has dried up too- how do I get back to it? My last two yoga teachers have been excellent, motivating and inspiring bunch of people. I can't inspire and uplift myself enough right now..
RAI or radioactive iodine; how does it affect our brain? Could I blame fatigue, lack of motivation and boredom on the RAI?
March 03, 2010
Imagine
If human body was designed invincible, that no disease, misfortune, accident would strike him/her, then hospitals would be totally unnecessary. All the healthcare personnel would be instantly unemployed- that includes me!
No cancer, heart disease, depression, obesity etc.
No tablets, operations, needles!
I like the idea.
No cancer, heart disease, depression, obesity etc.
No tablets, operations, needles!
I like the idea.
February 21, 2010
Nightmare
I am a sleep-walking zombie today.
Went to bed at 11pm last night, ended up reading horsey magazine for an hour and "slept" at midnight. Kept waking up almost every hour, and sometime in the early morning hours I had an awful nightmare: melanoma metastasized into brain. Was it me, I am not sure, but when I really woke up, feeling a bit fragile, at 11am, I had to check I have no extra scars or damage in my body. No, nothing.. Maybe I've seen enough craniotomies and such lately, and then the brain came in to my dream (nightmare)- uninvited, unwelcome.
I am off to see The Horse now, perhaps riding too if we both are in the mood.
Went to bed at 11pm last night, ended up reading horsey magazine for an hour and "slept" at midnight. Kept waking up almost every hour, and sometime in the early morning hours I had an awful nightmare: melanoma metastasized into brain. Was it me, I am not sure, but when I really woke up, feeling a bit fragile, at 11am, I had to check I have no extra scars or damage in my body. No, nothing.. Maybe I've seen enough craniotomies and such lately, and then the brain came in to my dream (nightmare)- uninvited, unwelcome.
I am off to see The Horse now, perhaps riding too if we both are in the mood.
February 10, 2010
Wear your seatbelt
Somehow men and machines don't match. Men might not have been created in riding fast cars, motorcycles, airplanes etc, at least not ALL men.. and women. While I was working in a busy trauma intensive care unit, I saw some horrific injuries. Not just broken bones, but much worse, just like in a horror movie. Wounds, bruises, missing limbs, brain contusions, spinal injuries, burns. Most of the injuries from car accidents,ignoring speed limits, not wearing seat belt. That's probably the worst part in here! Insurance may replace your car, but no one can give you your life back. Even an accident may not teach some fools anything at all.
Those speedy people should be given a horse and carriage instead. And those who are the cause of an accident, should lose their drivers license for the rest of their lives. But wear that seat belt, every time you drive, it may save your life.
Those speedy people should be given a horse and carriage instead. And those who are the cause of an accident, should lose their drivers license for the rest of their lives. But wear that seat belt, every time you drive, it may save your life.
February 07, 2010
No Sleep Part 2
Same old..
No sleep. I had a cup of coffee at 5pm, but this is almost six hours later and I can't sleep.
Today: movie "One Night Stand"- Wesley Snipes, Robert Downey Jr etc. Windy and cold outside. Had salad for dinner and I am definitely not feeling hungry/thirsty right now. Moved into new house last week, everything is arranged and organized, Facebook accessed several times, status updated and Farmville produce harvested.
I guess first I could do is get off line, let the computer rest and actually go to bed.
I no longer have nightmares of cancer as such. Last week I had a nightmare of a situation where "they" were attempting to insert an iv cannula into my poor quality veins and as usual, could not find one. Next step central line, and then I woke up wondering if it was just a dream. After inspecting my veins, I was convinced it was indeed a dream. Once, an anesthesia tech had to search and search for a vein, I think he got it after 4 attempts. Thanks be to God that he used Lidocaine local anesthesia to numb the skin. At that point I was so used to needles and cannulas and things that I didn't really feel anything, but if you asked me now, I'd say all sorts of sharp objects terrify me and I don't want them anywhere nearby. Can one get used to lab tests, injections, iv cannulas- all involving a sharp object..
I'm not so sure about that. But at some point everything, including my mind and body, became numb (and not just because of Lidocaine) and it's almost a viable option to leave the body until the painful procedure is over.
Weird and fascinating.
Somehow we all survive and live through all this, but have any of you developed a serious dislike of medical centers and everyone (almost) wearing a white coat?
This is what lack of sleep does to me.. Apologies.
No sleep. I had a cup of coffee at 5pm, but this is almost six hours later and I can't sleep.
Today: movie "One Night Stand"- Wesley Snipes, Robert Downey Jr etc. Windy and cold outside. Had salad for dinner and I am definitely not feeling hungry/thirsty right now. Moved into new house last week, everything is arranged and organized, Facebook accessed several times, status updated and Farmville produce harvested.
I guess first I could do is get off line, let the computer rest and actually go to bed.
I no longer have nightmares of cancer as such. Last week I had a nightmare of a situation where "they" were attempting to insert an iv cannula into my poor quality veins and as usual, could not find one. Next step central line, and then I woke up wondering if it was just a dream. After inspecting my veins, I was convinced it was indeed a dream. Once, an anesthesia tech had to search and search for a vein, I think he got it after 4 attempts. Thanks be to God that he used Lidocaine local anesthesia to numb the skin. At that point I was so used to needles and cannulas and things that I didn't really feel anything, but if you asked me now, I'd say all sorts of sharp objects terrify me and I don't want them anywhere nearby. Can one get used to lab tests, injections, iv cannulas- all involving a sharp object..
I'm not so sure about that. But at some point everything, including my mind and body, became numb (and not just because of Lidocaine) and it's almost a viable option to leave the body until the painful procedure is over.
Weird and fascinating.
Somehow we all survive and live through all this, but have any of you developed a serious dislike of medical centers and everyone (almost) wearing a white coat?
This is what lack of sleep does to me.. Apologies.
February 01, 2010
No sleep
Insomnia= many questions+no answers
10pm: bedtime.. but maybe not just yet.
11pm: no sleep.
11.30pm: still no sleep
midnight: bedtime, feeling tired, ready to sleep, but the mind and the thoughts are ever-present.
1 am: still awake
1.30am: get out of bed, watch TV. Count sheep, dogs, parrots. No sign of sleep.
3am: noooooo
4am: what if..
5am: alarm clock: time to wake up.
Ok, I did not sleep, but tonight I will go to bed early. Drink warm milk, take sleeping tablet, something, anything.
And stop thinking, because evening is not the time for questioning, making decisions, not just before bedtime anyway. At least it is my best intention, but what happens when the real bedtime arrives?
10pm: bedtime.. but maybe not just yet.
11pm: no sleep.
11.30pm: still no sleep
midnight: bedtime, feeling tired, ready to sleep, but the mind and the thoughts are ever-present.
1 am: still awake
1.30am: get out of bed, watch TV. Count sheep, dogs, parrots. No sign of sleep.
3am: noooooo
4am: what if..
5am: alarm clock: time to wake up.
Ok, I did not sleep, but tonight I will go to bed early. Drink warm milk, take sleeping tablet, something, anything.
And stop thinking, because evening is not the time for questioning, making decisions, not just before bedtime anyway. At least it is my best intention, but what happens when the real bedtime arrives?
January 28, 2010
Bullying
Bullying seems a fashionable word- and there are reasons behind the "fashion". Workplace bullying, school bullying, just to name few. Anti-bullying groups are appearing everywhere, especially in Facebook. Newspapers, websites frequently publish news of bullying. One schoolgirl recently published a list of names of the bullies, who she wanted to kill. Another school girl was being bullied and attacked by thugs at school, 20 or more people nearby and NO ONE did anything to help!
Now, more than 20 years has passed since I finished secondary school (isn't it amazing how time slips by?) but I still remember how I was bullied there by handful of boys and girls, who thought they are better than anyone else on the earth. And yes, because they thought I was a loser. Many times I have been tempted to publish their names somewhere in a very public place, but instead of doing that (not yet, at least), I thought I'd go visit my old school and talk to their students about bullying, and how it can be overcome, one day. I am still VERY tempted to publish their names... Name and shame, no boundaries, no constraints.. looking at the painful past.
TR, one of the bullies, was an unemployed fat drunk at some point.
TS, was spotted in a local pub, by one of my friends and told him off for being a bully. He had nothing to say.
Leena, Kimmo, Toni, Vesa, Harto, Mirva, bullies of my (old) life, here's to you:
I wonder if rest of the bullies have gone on and become flawless and successful in their lives. Somehow I doubt that, but come on bullies, come forward and tell me.
At school, there was bus transport just for us kids. To enter the bus, we had to form a queue, and I was ALWAYS the very last one. Journey home took about 20 minutes, but each of those minutes felt longer than an hour. I was forced to listen to threats, swear words of all kinds and shouting.
In the morning, bullies were the last ones to be collected from their part of the city, but they made some weaker kids book seats for THEM, kings and queens of the world. My friend was bullied too, but I think I got the worst of it. Inbetween classes, we spent some time outdoors. Once we managed to hide from the bullies, but next time they found us, threw snowballs at us, verbal threats and calling us names that I don't need to repeat here. In those days, if you weren't strong enough to stand up for yourself, it was all fighting a losing battle. For me, one of the contributing factors was my "odd" family name, that the clever bullies could play with. ML, one of the boys pointed out that I looked like a boy in the 3rd grade classroom photo! I regret that I can't find that photo right now, I'd have published here and sought for extra opinions. Well I can have a laugh about it now, but at the time when I was 9 years old, it was not funny.
Secondary school was bigger, but the unwanted bullies followed. They continued bullying in classroom, kicking me, whispering abuse, and once when teacher halfheartedly interfered, I sheepishly had to say "nothing was happening". This went on from 1979 to 1985, in various forms. It was mostly verbal abuse, mental game, emotional blackmail; I received couple of kicks from selected few, but thank God nothing more. Often I wondered if these people are human.
One incident is crystal clear in my mind: I was probably 13 years old, felt sick and vomited all over in school corridor! Shock horror! Everyone gathered around to witness the miracle: "that one" vomited! From then on, I was known as the One Who Vomited. Bullies used to make jokes begging me not to vomit on them. I think that's exactly what I SHOULD have done.
Bullies were left behind when I went to high school. Adios, arrivederci, auf wiedersehen.
I never met any of them again. They are probably buried up to their necks in something, screwed up. Somehow vanished off the face of the earth.
For little while I felt like an emotional cripple, unworthy and spaced out, but I've recovered. It may not feel same when you are 16 years old and going through this type of ordeal, but it is POSSIBLE to recover. It may not be possible to forget, but forgiveness is a virtue and it can be found. As for me, it is most fascinating to entertain thoughts of whereabouts of the bullies and what they have become in their lives. Most satisfactory answer would simply be a LOSER. Do they remember at some point of their lives what school did to them? Or was it the school- teachers, fellow pupils- what made them feel so angry that they had to take it out on someone else?
What I know about them is that they were gullible, insecure, non-human, deeply unhappy children- perhaps they were abused at home by their parents and siblings. I'll never know, I guess. I don't feel any compassion toward them, but it does not mean I can never forgive them. One day.
I'd not recognize them if they accidentally stepped on my foot in crowded train. Wherever they are, I know for sure, they are not living anywhere in my neighborhood. And if they read this, I can tell them know I am happy. I have a loving husband, family, nephew, friends and four gorgeous cousins back home. I have a horse, I have work and there no trace of cancer in my body! 2 years and 13 days cancer-free!
Now, more than 20 years has passed since I finished secondary school (isn't it amazing how time slips by?) but I still remember how I was bullied there by handful of boys and girls, who thought they are better than anyone else on the earth. And yes, because they thought I was a loser. Many times I have been tempted to publish their names somewhere in a very public place, but instead of doing that (not yet, at least), I thought I'd go visit my old school and talk to their students about bullying, and how it can be overcome, one day. I am still VERY tempted to publish their names... Name and shame, no boundaries, no constraints.. looking at the painful past.
TR, one of the bullies, was an unemployed fat drunk at some point.
TS, was spotted in a local pub, by one of my friends and told him off for being a bully. He had nothing to say.
Leena, Kimmo, Toni, Vesa, Harto, Mirva, bullies of my (old) life, here's to you:
I wonder if rest of the bullies have gone on and become flawless and successful in their lives. Somehow I doubt that, but come on bullies, come forward and tell me.
At school, there was bus transport just for us kids. To enter the bus, we had to form a queue, and I was ALWAYS the very last one. Journey home took about 20 minutes, but each of those minutes felt longer than an hour. I was forced to listen to threats, swear words of all kinds and shouting.
In the morning, bullies were the last ones to be collected from their part of the city, but they made some weaker kids book seats for THEM, kings and queens of the world. My friend was bullied too, but I think I got the worst of it. Inbetween classes, we spent some time outdoors. Once we managed to hide from the bullies, but next time they found us, threw snowballs at us, verbal threats and calling us names that I don't need to repeat here. In those days, if you weren't strong enough to stand up for yourself, it was all fighting a losing battle. For me, one of the contributing factors was my "odd" family name, that the clever bullies could play with. ML, one of the boys pointed out that I looked like a boy in the 3rd grade classroom photo! I regret that I can't find that photo right now, I'd have published here and sought for extra opinions. Well I can have a laugh about it now, but at the time when I was 9 years old, it was not funny.
Secondary school was bigger, but the unwanted bullies followed. They continued bullying in classroom, kicking me, whispering abuse, and once when teacher halfheartedly interfered, I sheepishly had to say "nothing was happening". This went on from 1979 to 1985, in various forms. It was mostly verbal abuse, mental game, emotional blackmail; I received couple of kicks from selected few, but thank God nothing more. Often I wondered if these people are human.
One incident is crystal clear in my mind: I was probably 13 years old, felt sick and vomited all over in school corridor! Shock horror! Everyone gathered around to witness the miracle: "that one" vomited! From then on, I was known as the One Who Vomited. Bullies used to make jokes begging me not to vomit on them. I think that's exactly what I SHOULD have done.
Bullies were left behind when I went to high school. Adios, arrivederci, auf wiedersehen.
I never met any of them again. They are probably buried up to their necks in something, screwed up. Somehow vanished off the face of the earth.
For little while I felt like an emotional cripple, unworthy and spaced out, but I've recovered. It may not feel same when you are 16 years old and going through this type of ordeal, but it is POSSIBLE to recover. It may not be possible to forget, but forgiveness is a virtue and it can be found. As for me, it is most fascinating to entertain thoughts of whereabouts of the bullies and what they have become in their lives. Most satisfactory answer would simply be a LOSER. Do they remember at some point of their lives what school did to them? Or was it the school- teachers, fellow pupils- what made them feel so angry that they had to take it out on someone else?
What I know about them is that they were gullible, insecure, non-human, deeply unhappy children- perhaps they were abused at home by their parents and siblings. I'll never know, I guess. I don't feel any compassion toward them, but it does not mean I can never forgive them. One day.
I'd not recognize them if they accidentally stepped on my foot in crowded train. Wherever they are, I know for sure, they are not living anywhere in my neighborhood. And if they read this, I can tell them know I am happy. I have a loving husband, family, nephew, friends and four gorgeous cousins back home. I have a horse, I have work and there no trace of cancer in my body! 2 years and 13 days cancer-free!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)