Depression.. I don't recognize signs of depression easily, especially if it is my own, and even this time the signs sneaked in through the back door. When nights become too long, sleep does not arrive and it is easier to stay at home and stare at the TV and over-eat and cry, then something needs to be done. We all have different coping mechanisms and ways to deal with it. One talks to therapist, one stays the same, another has prescription of antidepressants. Whatever works..
I belong to the last group. Back on antidepressants, which I really didn't want, but "we" agreed to give it a go. We= me and my doc. Depression is an illness too, but it's often kept quiet and I am not wondering why.
For sure it is easier to go and break a leg, walk around with crutches for some time, and voila- healed.
Depression- not quite the same, but there have been countless books and stories written of depression, and many "famous" people too have suffered of depression. Still, people read these fascinating stories, thinking thank God it wasn't me, and thinking that they are totally immune to the same dis-ease. It can happen to anyone and I didn't expect it to return twice.
Once I managed without medication, this time I don't feel I can do it. Crazy situation. We'll see and check again after nine weeks or so. Last time meds began working within a week (psychological effect no doubt), but that was fine, no questions asked. Right now my mind is very quiet.
Regardless, my life is tolerable, even fun at times, everything in moderation is the key word for 2009.
February 01, 2009
January 30, 2009
January 20, 2009
Questions
What will happen after we die?
Why isn't there any hot water in the house?
Why did my neighbor eat turkey slices from the fridge?
Does the truth always need to be told as it is?
Why does blood pressure reading go up to the sky when we visit our doctors?
Do the Martians really and truly exist?
Why does it hurt?
What is actually happening here?
Who cares?
Why isn't there any hot water in the house?
Why did my neighbor eat turkey slices from the fridge?
Does the truth always need to be told as it is?
Why does blood pressure reading go up to the sky when we visit our doctors?
Do the Martians really and truly exist?
Why does it hurt?
What is actually happening here?
Who cares?
January 16, 2009
Rain, cold, fog- guess where in the world I am?
At least I am alive. Travelling across the world on a so called vacation, taking each day as it comes. Catching flights and finding myself spending too much cash and overusing credit cards. Where is the credit crunch? It did not hit me yet. There are too many problems to solve, but they can wait.
Vacations are meant to be enjoyed.
Boycott Foie Gras. If you have been watching the news this week, you'll have seen how they force-feed ducks and geese and it looks just intolerable. This one was filmed in Hungary. Tesco sells this force-fed foie gras in Hungary, yuck. I'll be boycotting Tesco too until they stop selling this poison. Yeah some say it is a delicacy, but the way it is produced sucks big time.
It is cold, it is foggy, misty, dark, miserable, but it is still time off and that's fabulous. More vacations please.
Vacations are meant to be enjoyed.
Boycott Foie Gras. If you have been watching the news this week, you'll have seen how they force-feed ducks and geese and it looks just intolerable. This one was filmed in Hungary. Tesco sells this force-fed foie gras in Hungary, yuck. I'll be boycotting Tesco too until they stop selling this poison. Yeah some say it is a delicacy, but the way it is produced sucks big time.
It is cold, it is foggy, misty, dark, miserable, but it is still time off and that's fabulous. More vacations please.
January 12, 2009
Common People
A friend of mine lives in an old house house with her family; husband and three kids. She was once a friend of mine, until we went our separate ways, but during school years she was a friend. Another friend (she is still a friend of mine, and has been since I was 9 years old!) shares her own house with dogs- no husband, no kids. As for me, no kids, no husband, no dogs.. but a boyfriend and a horse.
Who would have known how live will turn out back in 1970's.. We have made our choices.
Who would have known how live will turn out back in 1970's.. We have made our choices.
January 06, 2009
Smiley faces advertising pain
I hate those smiley well groomed beautiful people advertising painful experiences. Come to our clinic for a painful examination, we promise to make it enjoyable. Along those lines. Cold metal instruments, shiny polished stainless steel surfaces fill me and many others with terror. Examination tables that look like they are frequently used for torture sessions- not for making people feel better. What about that previously symphatetic friendly doctor, who carries on with an examination and a terrified patient begs him/her to stop? Because it is too awful, too painful, too overwhelming. "Just a minute, it will be over soon". When it finally is over, it is too late.
Patients/clients. One look at the shiny metal instruments and the first thought is to RUN away NOW, save your life. But wait a minute, am I not here to save my own life.. but why does it need to hurt like hell?
Wound drain- my own experience tells me not all drains or plastic tubes sticking out of a surgical wound are painful. They may be necessary, but not always painful. Sometimes they are. Depends of the material they are made of, location of the tube and yes, it might depend on the skill of the medical professional, who decided to bury it in "there". Some more superficial drain slide out easily, some need a bit more work to get them out. Once they are out, the relief is almost instant- that is the removal process has been painless or effortless. Out they come, who'd want to drag a drain in them for the rest of their lives?
Cold metal instruments- my pet hate. They fill me with this "endoftheworldiscomingandnothingcanchangeitgottarunrunrunrunrun"-feeling and nothing can stop it. I guess part of it depends on why/how/where these instruments are going to be used. Dental instruments. Dreadful. Vaginal speculum is a big no-no. Don't even try. Nasal speculum. Not any better. Surgical instruments: scalpels, knives, forceps, tenaculums etc. Under anesthesia one does not much care, but seeing the instruments and their cold lifeless skin on the table in the morning sun is not at all uplifting. Scissors, dilators, kidney basins, hooks, retractors, screws.
Are these for used for torture?
Sterile packs- once you open them, the secret is out. Who'd honestly want to see the contents?
My problem and the biggest challenge is to stop questioning. One I start I can't stop. Why this one? What is this used for? Endless list of questions. What is the benefit of this procedure? Will it be painful? Who would not want to be in control when it comes to their health? Who would not want to have the option to say no? Why not ask for a second opinion? Explanation? Do I have the right to say no?
What if I don't have my teeth checked this year? I feel fine, the teeth look "ok", no toothache, no problems. What if I am so scared of another cancer diagnosis that I don't go for the yearly thyroid scan? What if I think I don't need a cervical smear because the last one years ago was painful and humiliating and scary and I don't want any more pain? What if I don't want to take part of this year's screening tests, because stepping into a clinic or hospital and simply seeing a stethoscope fills me with utter helplessness and terror? Is this an attitude problem, being ignorant and arrogant or just being scared?
It is a blessing to be healthy, not to have to undergo painful and more or less undignified examinations. Thank God. But when it is necessary to search for a cure or relief, then we all need to have all the necessary information and alternatives to make an informed decision about the treatment. What are the consequences not to go for treatment? What if one has had an awful painful experience and there is no way they are ready to undergo the same again? Will this painful treatment cure me or just give me few more pain filled years? Painless treatment is of course somewhat easier to accept than a painful one.
Cyberspace is full of stories of painful experiences, some of them can even be encouraging- an individual survived somehow, why not me? More stories every day. Some of them so desperate, lonely, sad, drowning. How did this person go through an experience like this, and is now so traumatized that there is no way out? People, who have received an urgent appointment, but no explanation as to why. Urgent? Is this dead serious or just a routine appointment? People, who have had a procedure done, but had no help or support, because it was all too "sterile and impersonal"? People, who read a letter saying you have something "serious" going on, here's your urgent appointment, take ibuprofen and come as you are. Never mind that you get to wait two weeks for the "urgent" appointment.
Traumatized by an experience in hospital, whether it was you or someone you know.
Come to think of it, I might still attend my screening tests, but because the doc decided a sedative is not needed even though I am scared to death, I might just have some cognac. It keeps me warm, I hope, It makes me relaxed, I hope. It won't make my breath stink, I hope or make me lose my balance and fall, I hope.
My share of painful experiences.
Patients/clients. One look at the shiny metal instruments and the first thought is to RUN away NOW, save your life. But wait a minute, am I not here to save my own life.. but why does it need to hurt like hell?
Wound drain- my own experience tells me not all drains or plastic tubes sticking out of a surgical wound are painful. They may be necessary, but not always painful. Sometimes they are. Depends of the material they are made of, location of the tube and yes, it might depend on the skill of the medical professional, who decided to bury it in "there". Some more superficial drain slide out easily, some need a bit more work to get them out. Once they are out, the relief is almost instant- that is the removal process has been painless or effortless. Out they come, who'd want to drag a drain in them for the rest of their lives?
Cold metal instruments- my pet hate. They fill me with this "endoftheworldiscomingandnothingcanchangeitgottarunrunrunrunrun"-feeling and nothing can stop it. I guess part of it depends on why/how/where these instruments are going to be used. Dental instruments. Dreadful. Vaginal speculum is a big no-no. Don't even try. Nasal speculum. Not any better. Surgical instruments: scalpels, knives, forceps, tenaculums etc. Under anesthesia one does not much care, but seeing the instruments and their cold lifeless skin on the table in the morning sun is not at all uplifting. Scissors, dilators, kidney basins, hooks, retractors, screws.
Are these for used for torture?
Sterile packs- once you open them, the secret is out. Who'd honestly want to see the contents?
My problem and the biggest challenge is to stop questioning. One I start I can't stop. Why this one? What is this used for? Endless list of questions. What is the benefit of this procedure? Will it be painful? Who would not want to be in control when it comes to their health? Who would not want to have the option to say no? Why not ask for a second opinion? Explanation? Do I have the right to say no?
What if I don't have my teeth checked this year? I feel fine, the teeth look "ok", no toothache, no problems. What if I am so scared of another cancer diagnosis that I don't go for the yearly thyroid scan? What if I think I don't need a cervical smear because the last one years ago was painful and humiliating and scary and I don't want any more pain? What if I don't want to take part of this year's screening tests, because stepping into a clinic or hospital and simply seeing a stethoscope fills me with utter helplessness and terror? Is this an attitude problem, being ignorant and arrogant or just being scared?
It is a blessing to be healthy, not to have to undergo painful and more or less undignified examinations. Thank God. But when it is necessary to search for a cure or relief, then we all need to have all the necessary information and alternatives to make an informed decision about the treatment. What are the consequences not to go for treatment? What if one has had an awful painful experience and there is no way they are ready to undergo the same again? Will this painful treatment cure me or just give me few more pain filled years? Painless treatment is of course somewhat easier to accept than a painful one.
Cyberspace is full of stories of painful experiences, some of them can even be encouraging- an individual survived somehow, why not me? More stories every day. Some of them so desperate, lonely, sad, drowning. How did this person go through an experience like this, and is now so traumatized that there is no way out? People, who have received an urgent appointment, but no explanation as to why. Urgent? Is this dead serious or just a routine appointment? People, who have had a procedure done, but had no help or support, because it was all too "sterile and impersonal"? People, who read a letter saying you have something "serious" going on, here's your urgent appointment, take ibuprofen and come as you are. Never mind that you get to wait two weeks for the "urgent" appointment.
Traumatized by an experience in hospital, whether it was you or someone you know.
Come to think of it, I might still attend my screening tests, but because the doc decided a sedative is not needed even though I am scared to death, I might just have some cognac. It keeps me warm, I hope, It makes me relaxed, I hope. It won't make my breath stink, I hope or make me lose my balance and fall, I hope.
My share of painful experiences.
January 03, 2009
Shift work
Can you think of anything that messes up your system, more than shift work? Come to think of it, yes, why not, there's an endless list of things that do just the same: tobacco, alcohol, firearms, narcotic drugs, over and under-eating, having no friends, being depressed, being lonely, being kicked by a horse, divorce.. so much out there. Horse issues.. I know of those, I own one. Depression, I know the feeling too. Being depressed and not recognizing it yourself, that sucks. Being on antidepressants and realizing there is sunshine and little more happiness and being at ease each day. But talking about the topic of shift work (also known as "shit work" when typo occurs, or a generalized "I hate my Shift Work" feeling persists)..
A regular 9-5 job has never felt suitable for me. Neither has a weird three shifts/24hrs. Night shifts- yes sir, those I love, but mix them with days, nights and more days and nights, that does not do it for me. No satisfaction. We are obviously talking about hospital work. Dreary old hospital work. Don't get me wrong, not all aspects of hospital work fill me with disgust, but arguments about shift work never cease. Night shifts all the time! I am a night owl and even at the time, way past midnite, I am up and awake and browsing the internet, listening to music, chicken in the oven, terribly cold outside, but I am HAPPY to have this early hour just for myself. All because of day/night etc pattern totally messing up my system and my brain is telling me to sleep during the daylight hours and stay up all night until 5am.
Sweet dreams, whenever you choose to sleep.
A regular 9-5 job has never felt suitable for me. Neither has a weird three shifts/24hrs. Night shifts- yes sir, those I love, but mix them with days, nights and more days and nights, that does not do it for me. No satisfaction. We are obviously talking about hospital work. Dreary old hospital work. Don't get me wrong, not all aspects of hospital work fill me with disgust, but arguments about shift work never cease. Night shifts all the time! I am a night owl and even at the time, way past midnite, I am up and awake and browsing the internet, listening to music, chicken in the oven, terribly cold outside, but I am HAPPY to have this early hour just for myself. All because of day/night etc pattern totally messing up my system and my brain is telling me to sleep during the daylight hours and stay up all night until 5am.
Sweet dreams, whenever you choose to sleep.
January 02, 2009
December 31, 2008
Happy New Year
Once again, a year that was just beginning, has ended and each of us are a year older and wiser.
May this coming year be prosperous and lucky one for all, happy 2009.
I am off to work, no champagne parties for me.
May this coming year be prosperous and lucky one for all, happy 2009.
I am off to work, no champagne parties for me.
December 17, 2008
Love hurts
I remember who said it first, the words "I love you". It was him. In a text message- but there it was, loud and clear. Not many people have said those words and meant what they've said. But this one was different. He said it first. The words were staring at me and I was staring at them, but they were there, they did not disappear and to this day, I still have the message in my phone. These days, we say it, text it, e-mail it. The love has grown into something beautiful and extraordinary- no love like this exists anywhere except between us.
One could say I am lucky to have experienced this kind of love. Some people may never experience love. But.. once you have felt love like this in your heart, it is so so so awful to give it up. You want to keep it in your heart forever, no matter what happens. Life's challenges and disappointments, finding out things from the past, fearing the future, living together, loving like there is no tomorrow. Can the love last?
Love brings a smile onto my face, makes me feel safe and happy and radiant, all at the same time. I like this feeling- just living for today, being in love today, being happy today.
Does love hurt...? Maybe, if it becomes an obsession, or it is taken away from you. Or if it somehow ends. But like in all fairytales, love doesn't end and everyone lives happily ever after.
One could say I am lucky to have experienced this kind of love. Some people may never experience love. But.. once you have felt love like this in your heart, it is so so so awful to give it up. You want to keep it in your heart forever, no matter what happens. Life's challenges and disappointments, finding out things from the past, fearing the future, living together, loving like there is no tomorrow. Can the love last?
Love brings a smile onto my face, makes me feel safe and happy and radiant, all at the same time. I like this feeling- just living for today, being in love today, being happy today.
Does love hurt...? Maybe, if it becomes an obsession, or it is taken away from you. Or if it somehow ends. But like in all fairytales, love doesn't end and everyone lives happily ever after.
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