November 30, 2008
Flat tire
Not long ago I bought new tires for my car. They were worn out, spare tire too didn't look too good. But now it seems that we have a traitor in our midst- someone is sneaking in and vandalizing our cars. The first target being my car- releasing air from the tires. Revenge is sweet! It does not make sense that just one of the tires is always empty, the very same tire. But before accusing the gardener or cleaner or neighbor for it, I will investigate.
November 24, 2008
It's the thought
My back is breaking, but it isn't broken just yet. It just feels that way, when the sleep does not come, the bed feels uncomfortable, it is either too hot or too cold. Disbelief, alarm clock at 0510am- did I sleep after all? The same feeling; shattered, broken and fatigued. Time to slow down..
When the sleep does not come, I remember a lot of negative stuff; how the boss shouted and screamed and made me cry. How my co-worker was busy pointing her finger at my mistakes and by then I had had enough and left. Not literally to the left, but waved good-bye and found myself in a new environment. These days, I do not tolerate abuse, the threshold is now extremely low. All this reflects on the quality of life and things become unbearably miserable when work and life in general sucks. One can read so many self-help guides and have counseling and hypnotherapy... one day, MIRACLE, you have traveled from A to B and you have arrived. All what is in the past stays there and does no longer surface. At least not each and every day.
I don't have to feel low and miserable. I'm not inferior to the guy next to me. I choose the life I lead, I choose the people I spend my time with. I trust in God and leave bigger issues in life for God. I don't feel the need to constantly please people, observing them observe me and my actions and reactions.
It would be just great if every day was about being human, kind, caring, relaxed, assertive when necessary, finding a friendly word for everyone.. one of my colleagues told me it is just about creating this warm comfortable space around you, and letting this attract people with similar qualities.. Days like this, empty pages in the weblog- I feel I'm getting closer and closer of understanding all this.. ALL and EVERYTHING.
- Relax and sleep
- Listen to music
- Enjoy the sun and cold winter mornings
- Ask God, it always works
When the sleep does not come, I remember a lot of negative stuff; how the boss shouted and screamed and made me cry. How my co-worker was busy pointing her finger at my mistakes and by then I had had enough and left. Not literally to the left, but waved good-bye and found myself in a new environment. These days, I do not tolerate abuse, the threshold is now extremely low. All this reflects on the quality of life and things become unbearably miserable when work and life in general sucks. One can read so many self-help guides and have counseling and hypnotherapy... one day, MIRACLE, you have traveled from A to B and you have arrived. All what is in the past stays there and does no longer surface. At least not each and every day.
I don't have to feel low and miserable. I'm not inferior to the guy next to me. I choose the life I lead, I choose the people I spend my time with. I trust in God and leave bigger issues in life for God. I don't feel the need to constantly please people, observing them observe me and my actions and reactions.
It would be just great if every day was about being human, kind, caring, relaxed, assertive when necessary, finding a friendly word for everyone.. one of my colleagues told me it is just about creating this warm comfortable space around you, and letting this attract people with similar qualities.. Days like this, empty pages in the weblog- I feel I'm getting closer and closer of understanding all this.. ALL and EVERYTHING.
November 17, 2008
Shame on you!
Long ago.. at East Dulwich Sainsbury's in London:
My friend Amber told me the story- here goes: She was shopping for groceries, some bread, eggs, milk, the usual stuff, and some chocolate and cupcakes, because she has a sweet tooth. While she was getting ready to pay, two people lined up behind her, nice looking couple. My friend's thought was let's get this done, pack her bags and go home.. until she heard the most unimaginable: these two people were speaking her native language, and the woman was pointing at my friend's groceries "Look at that girl, what she is buying". Yeah, meaning the cupcakes, croissants, chocolates etc that she was buying. My friend was stunned into silence, but after half a minute regained her senses, turned to look at the woman (who was not Miss World beauty lookalike either) and asked "What is it that you said?"- in their common native language. The woman looked like she would want to take her words back and for the ground to swallow her, but what's once given (i.e. nasty words) cannot be taken back just like that. the man, much wiser, kept quiet, but at the end said "My wife did not mean that".
Yes, the lesson was learned- both parties. My friend learned that an overweight, plump, fat person has no room in this world, in the eyes of this "handsome couple". But she persevered, lost pounds and pounds of weight and looks happy and healthy nowadays. And she hopes that these two people learned not make comments like this- one day it may land you into big trouble. Come to think of it, my friend did the right thing.
I think a public humiliation would have been the right way to go- and today, 11 years later, we are here to tell the story. Amber shared her story with her housemate Nancy, who thought this was plain stupid. Watch out when you open your mouth and speak in a language that no one around you can understand- there may still be someone out there; that old lady, this plump young woman, the man next to you, the nurse behind you...
My friend Amber told me the story- here goes: She was shopping for groceries, some bread, eggs, milk, the usual stuff, and some chocolate and cupcakes, because she has a sweet tooth. While she was getting ready to pay, two people lined up behind her, nice looking couple. My friend's thought was let's get this done, pack her bags and go home.. until she heard the most unimaginable: these two people were speaking her native language, and the woman was pointing at my friend's groceries "Look at that girl, what she is buying". Yeah, meaning the cupcakes, croissants, chocolates etc that she was buying. My friend was stunned into silence, but after half a minute regained her senses, turned to look at the woman (who was not Miss World beauty lookalike either) and asked "What is it that you said?"- in their common native language. The woman looked like she would want to take her words back and for the ground to swallow her, but what's once given (i.e. nasty words) cannot be taken back just like that. the man, much wiser, kept quiet, but at the end said "My wife did not mean that".
Yes, the lesson was learned- both parties. My friend learned that an overweight, plump, fat person has no room in this world, in the eyes of this "handsome couple". But she persevered, lost pounds and pounds of weight and looks happy and healthy nowadays. And she hopes that these two people learned not make comments like this- one day it may land you into big trouble. Come to think of it, my friend did the right thing.
I think a public humiliation would have been the right way to go- and today, 11 years later, we are here to tell the story. Amber shared her story with her housemate Nancy, who thought this was plain stupid. Watch out when you open your mouth and speak in a language that no one around you can understand- there may still be someone out there; that old lady, this plump young woman, the man next to you, the nurse behind you...
November 16, 2008
November 05, 2008
Addicted
to.. nothing specific. I love to sleep. At the very beginning, when I was home from the hospital, I couldn't really sleep and woke up irritated, sweaty and restless. In the middle of the night I woke up covered in sweat and there was no way I would get up from under the duvet and feel the cold. No way. In time, these sweaty periods ceased and I could sleep. Healing took place during the night, I could feel it, visualize it. I drank water and imagined how the wounds began the healing process, from the tissues deeper, toward the skin. Then the sleep began to escape me and I was up until 1am, easily. Understandably I then slept until 11am and wondered why the days pass by so quick.
I am back into more or less normal rhythm now, but it's not set in stone and I still love to wake up later than 7am.
Other than that, I love being in love. I miss him when he is not here, I miss him as soon as he leaves the house and goes to work. I miss him when he is out with the boys. Seriously.
I still love to eat. Delicious meals that we share, me and him. My cooking skills have improved a lot and I have actually learned to like cooking. Setting up the table, serving the food. Eating mmmmm... Yummy.
I am back into more or less normal rhythm now, but it's not set in stone and I still love to wake up later than 7am.
Other than that, I love being in love. I miss him when he is not here, I miss him as soon as he leaves the house and goes to work. I miss him when he is out with the boys. Seriously.
I still love to eat. Delicious meals that we share, me and him. My cooking skills have improved a lot and I have actually learned to like cooking. Setting up the table, serving the food. Eating mmmmm... Yummy.
October 25, 2008
Writing a book
Dear all
Some of you know about my recent operation- it seems like a distant memory, therefore thinking about it as a "minor" operation is fine.
After suffering from abdominal pain for quite some time, I failed to diagnose my own condition as cholecystitis i.e. inflammation of the gallbladder. Today, a week later, I am free of pain, have had major clear out in my house, with the assistance of someone very special.. and I am doing very well.
Due to my experiences as patient, rather than as caregiver myself, I began to think about writing a book, it has a working title of "Experiences of Life and Death".
I began writing short stories about the most beautiful and memorable moments in my life so far, and some of not so pleasant moments. It could be about anything, holiday of a lifetime, your daily job- how much you enjoy it, precious gift you have been given, near death experience, facing your fears, healing process.
Anything. Any length, from two sentences to two pages. I am looking for people from all walks of life, anywhere. You can even write in you native language and I can get it translated.
I would be most grateful for any help, any written material that you'd be happy for me to publish. I plan to get the book published in the UK, but I need to get something written up before submitting anything for my agent.
If you know of family members, friends, relatives who would like to contribute, please let them know.
Kind regards
Sat Atma Kaur
Some of you know about my recent operation- it seems like a distant memory, therefore thinking about it as a "minor" operation is fine.
After suffering from abdominal pain for quite some time, I failed to diagnose my own condition as cholecystitis i.e. inflammation of the gallbladder. Today, a week later, I am free of pain, have had major clear out in my house, with the assistance of someone very special.. and I am doing very well.
Due to my experiences as patient, rather than as caregiver myself, I began to think about writing a book, it has a working title of "Experiences of Life and Death".
I began writing short stories about the most beautiful and memorable moments in my life so far, and some of not so pleasant moments. It could be about anything, holiday of a lifetime, your daily job- how much you enjoy it, precious gift you have been given, near death experience, facing your fears, healing process.
Anything. Any length, from two sentences to two pages. I am looking for people from all walks of life, anywhere. You can even write in you native language and I can get it translated.
I would be most grateful for any help, any written material that you'd be happy for me to publish. I plan to get the book published in the UK, but I need to get something written up before submitting anything for my agent.
If you know of family members, friends, relatives who would like to contribute, please let them know.
Kind regards
Sat Atma Kaur
October 23, 2008
Delightful creature
October 22, 2008
Shadow world
Have you ever wondered how it really feels like to fall asleep.. those precious seconds just before one falls asleep? How does it really feel? Light as feathers, like a warm slow wind on your skin, kind of standing on a bridge?
What if you don't feel like sleeping? You feel tired, but something keeps pulling you back from the border of sleep and the state of awareness?
Inducing sleep: in general anesthesia. "Sweet dreams", someone above you says. You see the mask approaching, the mask is pressed on you face and oxygen begins to flow. You try not to inhale, but finally succumb. Something white enters your vein, feels hot, but the same time comforting. You sleep. Next time you wake up, it is all over.
I was asleep. Laparoscopic (=keyhole) Cholecystectomy to remove a gallbladder and it's contents i.e. stones. Gallbladder gone, incredible upper abdominal pain gone, just tiny wounds left on the abdomen. In my earlier post "24 hours" I did actually suffer from chest pain, or so I thought- it was so convincing. But then three days later, the pain was too much, could simply not be controlled at home. Two nights at work, I kept on thinking I have indigestion and suffered in silence. Boyfriend was concerned and just wanted me up and smiling and being happy again. Six days in hospital, and the damage has been fixed. Physical body, yes, but what about the other bodies and minds? Recovery takes time.
By all means study and learn more about gallstones, people experience dfferent types of symptoms. Some never need any treatment. Some do, and antibiotics and painkillers and modifying the diet can be all that's needed. But don't let it get that far that you are in hospital bed begging for Morphine to take away the pain. I can honestly say it was one of the worst kind of pain I have ever had- and now that my gallbladder has gone, I won't have the same pain. Now experimenting with the diet will begin and some things may work, some don't and then I'll simply try to avoid those foods that don't agree with my body.. That phase has already began. Chocolate does not work, nor do excess doses of rye bread.
But sleep.. Sleeping has been uncomfortable. Hospital bed resembles torture device and killed my back. I am slowly stretching my back into its normal shape. Abdominal wounds still cause some tightness and funny tingling and don't allow me to sleep the way I normally do. I wake up covered in sweat. Is this still the part of my body getting rid of antibiotics and other not so friendly substances I was given in hospital?
Sleep.. is it a resting phase or do we actually practice dying while we sleep? Part of the post-operative recovery process at home it occurred to me I could have died. But then I could have died when I drove my car last week. Or something, somewhere, some place else. Death. It came as a shock, realization that I could have stayed asleep, never waking up. Dying so far from home. Would anyone remember me? How does it feel, is it just like falling asleep? And where do we go..? What if we become ghosts in the world between this one and next one? The world of shadows? Is death dark and scary?
Those people, who have already passed on; our family members, relatives, friends- will we meet them? There are my grandparents, aunt, Nora the dog.. so many.. Will we meet again? Life is not for an eternity, not here- but the life after this? Will we live?
I am feeling better, no longer having these thoughts, not that much. Every moment counts. Every moment is precious and there is still some time left. This moment, this second, this minute. Every text message I send to my boyfriend, it all counts. Every beautiful ray of the sun. Every bite of a delicious pancake. Smell of freshly mowed grass. Smile of a stranger. My giant horse trying to get a cuddle. Raindrop on my skin. Kindness in the world. Beautiful painting. Delicious risotto.Smell of a rainforest. Softness of velvet.
Prayer works. I talk to God more and more, give thanks every day. Amen.
What if you don't feel like sleeping? You feel tired, but something keeps pulling you back from the border of sleep and the state of awareness?
Inducing sleep: in general anesthesia. "Sweet dreams", someone above you says. You see the mask approaching, the mask is pressed on you face and oxygen begins to flow. You try not to inhale, but finally succumb. Something white enters your vein, feels hot, but the same time comforting. You sleep. Next time you wake up, it is all over.
I was asleep. Laparoscopic (=keyhole) Cholecystectomy to remove a gallbladder and it's contents i.e. stones. Gallbladder gone, incredible upper abdominal pain gone, just tiny wounds left on the abdomen. In my earlier post "24 hours" I did actually suffer from chest pain, or so I thought- it was so convincing. But then three days later, the pain was too much, could simply not be controlled at home. Two nights at work, I kept on thinking I have indigestion and suffered in silence. Boyfriend was concerned and just wanted me up and smiling and being happy again. Six days in hospital, and the damage has been fixed. Physical body, yes, but what about the other bodies and minds? Recovery takes time.
By all means study and learn more about gallstones, people experience dfferent types of symptoms. Some never need any treatment. Some do, and antibiotics and painkillers and modifying the diet can be all that's needed. But don't let it get that far that you are in hospital bed begging for Morphine to take away the pain. I can honestly say it was one of the worst kind of pain I have ever had- and now that my gallbladder has gone, I won't have the same pain. Now experimenting with the diet will begin and some things may work, some don't and then I'll simply try to avoid those foods that don't agree with my body.. That phase has already began. Chocolate does not work, nor do excess doses of rye bread.
But sleep.. Sleeping has been uncomfortable. Hospital bed resembles torture device and killed my back. I am slowly stretching my back into its normal shape. Abdominal wounds still cause some tightness and funny tingling and don't allow me to sleep the way I normally do. I wake up covered in sweat. Is this still the part of my body getting rid of antibiotics and other not so friendly substances I was given in hospital?
Sleep.. is it a resting phase or do we actually practice dying while we sleep? Part of the post-operative recovery process at home it occurred to me I could have died. But then I could have died when I drove my car last week. Or something, somewhere, some place else. Death. It came as a shock, realization that I could have stayed asleep, never waking up. Dying so far from home. Would anyone remember me? How does it feel, is it just like falling asleep? And where do we go..? What if we become ghosts in the world between this one and next one? The world of shadows? Is death dark and scary?
Those people, who have already passed on; our family members, relatives, friends- will we meet them? There are my grandparents, aunt, Nora the dog.. so many.. Will we meet again? Life is not for an eternity, not here- but the life after this? Will we live?
I am feeling better, no longer having these thoughts, not that much. Every moment counts. Every moment is precious and there is still some time left. This moment, this second, this minute. Every text message I send to my boyfriend, it all counts. Every beautiful ray of the sun. Every bite of a delicious pancake. Smell of freshly mowed grass. Smile of a stranger. My giant horse trying to get a cuddle. Raindrop on my skin. Kindness in the world. Beautiful painting. Delicious risotto.Smell of a rainforest. Softness of velvet.
Prayer works. I talk to God more and more, give thanks every day. Amen.
October 07, 2008
October 03, 2008
24 hours
1420 Abdominal pain begins and gets worse over the next four hours. Dull ache, constant, very much on top of the pain scale. The pain finally finds its final resting place in the patient's chest and radiates to the neck every now and then.
1755 Time to call the MD. 12 lead EKG done, blood tests too that detect a presence of heart attack. MD chats with the patient, reassures and the patient decides it is best to take off and go home. Patient's calls a friend, who agrees to go for a drive home.
1820 Home: patient takes OTC (over the counter) meds, which bring no relief whatsoever.
1845 Decision is made to visit the ER. Painkillers are not helping at all.
1910 ER registration process begins and the patient is taken for chest x-ray, blood tests, medications are given- they finally kick the pain away. But chewable Aspirin tastes foul and throwing up is closer than ever before. Sublingual Nitro is God send, and within five minutes or so the pain is completely gone. Dull ache, which is almost pleasant, remains. MD and few RN's come and check vital signs. Oxygen on, heart monitor on and off we go to the cardiac in-patient unit. At least one night of obervation, blood tests, EKG's ahead.
MIDNIGHT Not much sleep. Blood test.
0300 It's cold, patient asks for another blanket. Please. Toes are frozen.
0430 Blood tests.
0530 Is it time..? Not yet. Sleep for another hour.
0630 Next shift of hospital personnel begins their duty at work. Where is HE? And more blood tests.
Next few hours bring visits from several MD's, nurses etc and eventually HE also arrives with delicious breakfast.
High cholesterol levels, but no sign of heart attack.
1500 Home! It has been hard. Not enough sleep, more than enough pain. Shock of learning that the cholesterol levels are not optimal, but at least with a good diet they may improve.
There were my latest 24 hours or so, it was me having the pain.. Glad and relieved to be back home and all people involved, they were incredibly nice, all the doctors, nurses etc. Even more relieved that the pain turned out NOT to be a heart attack.
1755 Time to call the MD. 12 lead EKG done, blood tests too that detect a presence of heart attack. MD chats with the patient, reassures and the patient decides it is best to take off and go home. Patient's calls a friend, who agrees to go for a drive home.
1820 Home: patient takes OTC (over the counter) meds, which bring no relief whatsoever.
1845 Decision is made to visit the ER. Painkillers are not helping at all.
1910 ER registration process begins and the patient is taken for chest x-ray, blood tests, medications are given- they finally kick the pain away. But chewable Aspirin tastes foul and throwing up is closer than ever before. Sublingual Nitro is God send, and within five minutes or so the pain is completely gone. Dull ache, which is almost pleasant, remains. MD and few RN's come and check vital signs. Oxygen on, heart monitor on and off we go to the cardiac in-patient unit. At least one night of obervation, blood tests, EKG's ahead.
MIDNIGHT Not much sleep. Blood test.
0300 It's cold, patient asks for another blanket. Please. Toes are frozen.
0430 Blood tests.
0530 Is it time..? Not yet. Sleep for another hour.
0630 Next shift of hospital personnel begins their duty at work. Where is HE? And more blood tests.
Next few hours bring visits from several MD's, nurses etc and eventually HE also arrives with delicious breakfast.
High cholesterol levels, but no sign of heart attack.
1500 Home! It has been hard. Not enough sleep, more than enough pain. Shock of learning that the cholesterol levels are not optimal, but at least with a good diet they may improve.
There were my latest 24 hours or so, it was me having the pain.. Glad and relieved to be back home and all people involved, they were incredibly nice, all the doctors, nurses etc. Even more relieved that the pain turned out NOT to be a heart attack.
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