Keep smiling :)
I drift off to sleep and these dreams are so real: I am standing by the window, the garden is beautiful and fresh after the rain. It is still dark, but lights are on in the house opposite ours. The light seems to be closer and closer until it embraces me, carries me outside and I can feel the softness of the wet grass under my feet. Someone takes my hand.. then... I wake up, I wonder if my present state of being is the real dream, how did I get here? Heaven knows. My heart beats louder than before, but it is not from fear or hopelessness. Anything is possible. I get up and get ready for work.
Mornings have been been slightly humid, little cold, the fog lingers over the area and when I stretch my arms in front of me, I can barely see my fingers. It is so thick, and feels like chocolate mousse.
Bad news too - one of my friends was confronted by the law, the authority, the "supreme being".. My prayers are with her, anything is possible. Anything, never lose hope. Courage. Confronted by the law here is not a pleasant experience, ever. I was in a car accident years ago, a visit to ER and then endless flow of paperwork, accusations, interviews, threats of deportation, even a visit to the police station. The local "sheriff" then asked me to sign a statement (written in a language that I could not read) that I would not return later to raise any complaints or court orders. All I wanted was to go home.. Only then I understood the meaning of human rights. There are none. Here.
February 25, 2007
February 24, 2007
Explain this
The Cat has gone missing again. It was awful to come back home, not knowing whether the cat would be here waiting or not. She was not. One of my colleagues said cats like exploring, wandering around and they return home when they choose to do so. Ok. Another colleague said maybe the cat got run over by a car. Maybe. There is a busy road just next to my house.
Part of me feels guilty, that I did not make any effort to go search for the cat, but where would I go? All I can do is wait and post a missing cat advert in the local intranet. It would be like playing cat and mouse, try and find the cat, who's probably hiding and watching me, finding it very amusing. No I won't be going out looking for her.
I am planning my vacation in June- the world is out there and India would be the most tempting destination :) but this time I think it might be appropriate to visit London. This time not as a resident, but as tourist. No worries, I won't be seen climbing into one of the red sightseeing buses, I will walk and explore London that way. May I also assure you that I will not be staying at Dorchester. But I am looking forward for a walk in Hyde Park, along the River Thames, and once again feel the healing power of the river. We have hardly any rivers here- we do have the beautiful Arabian Gulf, with its beautiful shades of tropical green and blue.
Moments of anxiety hit me at times, but not nearly as often as they used to. It tells me I am bound to fail with whatever i do, that I lack focus and goal, but I pray; please God stop this from happening, get me out of this mess. I am mesmerized by these moments, as bright as stars, they come and go in a split second - I always ask myself the same question: What an earth was that?
They pass me so quickly that I do not even know what hit me.
Unreal. Fascinating. Somewhere deep inside I finally "get it", and know exactly what I need to know. That "something" I failed to understand a year ago. Hah. I know now. I truly do. I am the soul of the truth.
Part of me feels guilty, that I did not make any effort to go search for the cat, but where would I go? All I can do is wait and post a missing cat advert in the local intranet. It would be like playing cat and mouse, try and find the cat, who's probably hiding and watching me, finding it very amusing. No I won't be going out looking for her.
I am planning my vacation in June- the world is out there and India would be the most tempting destination :) but this time I think it might be appropriate to visit London. This time not as a resident, but as tourist. No worries, I won't be seen climbing into one of the red sightseeing buses, I will walk and explore London that way. May I also assure you that I will not be staying at Dorchester. But I am looking forward for a walk in Hyde Park, along the River Thames, and once again feel the healing power of the river. We have hardly any rivers here- we do have the beautiful Arabian Gulf, with its beautiful shades of tropical green and blue.
Moments of anxiety hit me at times, but not nearly as often as they used to. It tells me I am bound to fail with whatever i do, that I lack focus and goal, but I pray; please God stop this from happening, get me out of this mess. I am mesmerized by these moments, as bright as stars, they come and go in a split second - I always ask myself the same question: What an earth was that?
They pass me so quickly that I do not even know what hit me.
Unreal. Fascinating. Somewhere deep inside I finally "get it", and know exactly what I need to know. That "something" I failed to understand a year ago. Hah. I know now. I truly do. I am the soul of the truth.
February 22, 2007
Dreams
It has been challenging, these first two months. There is no point denying this. Of course there is certain amount of resistance that needs to be overcome, but can I ever be the first one to admit this? Never.
Still unnerving. I feel so unmotivated and lack confidence.. full of fear that I would not fulfill the new employers expectations .. Or failing my own expectations. This then reflects on my work itself- the type of work I always used to enjoy, but this is no longer the case. I am desperate for a brand new direction in my life- but my recent dreams (and nightmares) are guiding me to new destination. All I need to do is take the chance.
I have already lost count how many times I wondered was this the right thing to do, but every single feeble excuse proves me wrong, and all the signs tell me STAY. Wait and see. Be patient. Countless prayers; please let me go back, I do not need to stay here.. but then what did I have in London that was so much better than what I have here? Towards the end of my stay in London I was LONELY. Mostly my own decision and fault and whatever, I chose to be alone most of the time. When I spent time with people, I often kept my eye on the time, counted the minutes; get me outta here. Isolated myself. Went to movies by myself, immersed myself into films and escaped the harsh reality. Things and people that I did not want to face. When I moved to the temporary accommodation in London, even then I was just wishing my life away, sitting at Starbucks, waiting and waiting for the news..
Oh crap, why worry abut yesterday, it is gone and will not come back. Perhaps some of the choices I made 10 years ago were foolish, but then maybe this is the way it was all supposed to be going.
I will be visiting London this coming summer and will probably find out how much I have really changed then. For the better I hope.
Still unnerving. I feel so unmotivated and lack confidence.. full of fear that I would not fulfill the new employers expectations .. Or failing my own expectations. This then reflects on my work itself- the type of work I always used to enjoy, but this is no longer the case. I am desperate for a brand new direction in my life- but my recent dreams (and nightmares) are guiding me to new destination. All I need to do is take the chance.
I have already lost count how many times I wondered was this the right thing to do, but every single feeble excuse proves me wrong, and all the signs tell me STAY. Wait and see. Be patient. Countless prayers; please let me go back, I do not need to stay here.. but then what did I have in London that was so much better than what I have here? Towards the end of my stay in London I was LONELY. Mostly my own decision and fault and whatever, I chose to be alone most of the time. When I spent time with people, I often kept my eye on the time, counted the minutes; get me outta here. Isolated myself. Went to movies by myself, immersed myself into films and escaped the harsh reality. Things and people that I did not want to face. When I moved to the temporary accommodation in London, even then I was just wishing my life away, sitting at Starbucks, waiting and waiting for the news..
Oh crap, why worry abut yesterday, it is gone and will not come back. Perhaps some of the choices I made 10 years ago were foolish, but then maybe this is the way it was all supposed to be going.
I will be visiting London this coming summer and will probably find out how much I have really changed then. For the better I hope.
February 17, 2007
In through the backdoor
- To my surprise I was nearly unable to log in into my Blog. They had blocked the "sign-in" access, but after searching for a while I found a way.
- They sell Bach flower remedies at GNC. And glucosamine, and rhodiola.
- Air-conditioning in my house is about go on strike- toooo baaad.
- I left my £900 watch at work over the weekend. It was still there today, thanks be to God. Had I lost it elsewhere in the world, it would have been gone for sure.
- ER the 7th season is entertaining to watch, my one and only excuse is to learn! I may learn something useful for next months advanced life support course. Dr Greene was diagnosed with brain tumor, that did make me upset.
- The Cat returned home the same day she went missing. All the "Wanted" posters that I was about to design and print, were needless after all.
- I have not contracted tuberculosis after all, to the disappointment of most eager staff at the clinic.
- "Happiness is your birthright." (YB)
- Windows Vista costs SR 269 here. Approximately £30-40.
- I have forgiven and forgotten :)
- Bedtime is 9pm every weekday- wake up at 5am.. Exhaustion and tiredness used to follow me everywhere until I learned to sleep less! 5-6 sleep is perfectly acceptable.
- I remember the empty streets of Montmartre on very early Sunday mornings, and the friendliness of Parisians.
- Miss you A, you are not far in miles now, but I still cannot reach you.
- They sell Bach flower remedies at GNC. And glucosamine, and rhodiola.
- Air-conditioning in my house is about go on strike- toooo baaad.
- I left my £900 watch at work over the weekend. It was still there today, thanks be to God. Had I lost it elsewhere in the world, it would have been gone for sure.
- ER the 7th season is entertaining to watch, my one and only excuse is to learn! I may learn something useful for next months advanced life support course. Dr Greene was diagnosed with brain tumor, that did make me upset.
- The Cat returned home the same day she went missing. All the "Wanted" posters that I was about to design and print, were needless after all.
- I have not contracted tuberculosis after all, to the disappointment of most eager staff at the clinic.
- "Happiness is your birthright." (YB)
- Windows Vista costs SR 269 here. Approximately £30-40.
- I have forgiven and forgotten :)
- Bedtime is 9pm every weekday- wake up at 5am.. Exhaustion and tiredness used to follow me everywhere until I learned to sleep less! 5-6 sleep is perfectly acceptable.
- I remember the empty streets of Montmartre on very early Sunday mornings, and the friendliness of Parisians.
- Miss you A, you are not far in miles now, but I still cannot reach you.
February 14, 2007
The curse of Feb 11
Feb 11 arrives every year- this year I realized what the date was not first thing in the morning, but late in the evening. The day had been nearly as disastrous as the one year before- who would have guessed.. Arguments at work, ineffective communication, feeling like I am locked in somewhere and cannot get out. Saying the wrong words, everything inside out, upside down. One of those days when the best option is not to get up in the morning.
Anyway the day after could have easily been worse..
I went to the staff clinic for PPD tuberculosis test two days before, and then for test results on this day. To their (=staff clinic) my result was positive! What can I say, just sit there, astonished, looking at my arm where a red patch measures 0.7cm. Unsure of the meaning of the result, I ask what this means, what is the next step. TB clinic! Chest x-ray! TB drugs! None of this what I wish to hear, but I make a mental note to research TB and find out whatever I can about this subject. For sure I have no TB, all my previous chest x-rays have always been clear and I have no TB symptoms either. It was like the nurse got some secret pleasure for seeing me looking so lost and confused. But on the day when they injected this alien substance (PPD) in my forearm, it later changed into red burning patch and I wondered what caused this (hot shower, new Multivitamins..?). They talked about antibodies, and my body is already full of them, and I am not going to take any other drugs that mess up my system.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Anyway the day after could have easily been worse..
I went to the staff clinic for PPD tuberculosis test two days before, and then for test results on this day. To their (=staff clinic) my result was positive! What can I say, just sit there, astonished, looking at my arm where a red patch measures 0.7cm. Unsure of the meaning of the result, I ask what this means, what is the next step. TB clinic! Chest x-ray! TB drugs! None of this what I wish to hear, but I make a mental note to research TB and find out whatever I can about this subject. For sure I have no TB, all my previous chest x-rays have always been clear and I have no TB symptoms either. It was like the nurse got some secret pleasure for seeing me looking so lost and confused. But on the day when they injected this alien substance (PPD) in my forearm, it later changed into red burning patch and I wondered what caused this (hot shower, new Multivitamins..?). They talked about antibodies, and my body is already full of them, and I am not going to take any other drugs that mess up my system.
Happy Valentine's Day.
February 10, 2007
Stay safe Le Chat
Missing: One gray domestic cat.Come out of hiding! This morning I was sun-bathing and reading The Da Vinci Code in the garden. Next time I walked in to prepare a snack, I could not see the cat anywhere. How did she sneak past my eagle eyes..?
She could be hiding anywhere in the house as we speak.
February 09, 2007
February 04, 2007
Keeping up
Second day of 40 day Sadhana. This is what keeps me sane here. It s just so hard to understand why some people have taken over the role of making others' lives miserable- such as employees, who bully their colleagues at work. I have learned my lesson, I receive the criticism and negativity and even open hostility gracefully, but inside I am boiling, endless questions How on earth do these people lead there lives. Do they realize why they do what they do? My 'failure' today was to put some 'product stickers' on to a wrong page this afternoon. The page still had one line left, I thought nothing of it when the sticky labels landed on the page. So weird. Feedback arrived faster than the speed of sound, 'you SHOULD not have done it this way, it's MY way or the HIGHWAY'. Fair enough but how do you respond to a comment like that? and then it goes on and on again. Do you not start hesitating, when person like that stands next to you, watching every move, observing every gesture, judgmental, hostile, rude and deep deep anger steaming out of every pore. I felt like a frozen ice cube, no words came out of my mouth (yeah, my reputation grows as mute and deaf and fool)- and I am not normally like that.
I have no idea. I kept quiet, but in my mind I hear "If you cannot see God in all, you cannot see God at all". But..
Am I back in square 1?
Back to London? Back to God only knows where? If I pack my bags and go, has this bully won? Someone suggested i confront her, and maybe that is what I need to do- in a constructive way. It is obvious there is nothing or no one that pleases this person. Nothing can be done, or..? But one of the most perhaps not surprising thing is that this person reminds me of MYSELF- the way i WAS three years ago. God only knows how many people I insulted with my words- well, those people who were the victims of my verbal attacks know it for sure.. Time is a healer, I am no longer that person. How come I now need to face this person..?
i am in the middle east (it seems like middle earth at times like these), life is what it is and this is the path I have chosen.
Sadhana. Back to the beginning. It will help, it did before, there is a profound change in just about anything in one's life.. I did not realize how much I had missed Sadhana, cold shower in the morning, reciting Japji Sahib... The courage to face this person will have to come from ...outer space, mountains... Sadhana.. anywhere :)
If anyone out there has any ideas how to encounter people like this I would appreciate any even anonymous advice. Some sort of roadmap, book, articles, encouraging words. had I still been that insecure hateful person I was years ago, today's and last week's events would have driven me to committing suicide. But not now. Not anymore.
I have no idea. I kept quiet, but in my mind I hear "If you cannot see God in all, you cannot see God at all". But..
Am I back in square 1?
Back to London? Back to God only knows where? If I pack my bags and go, has this bully won? Someone suggested i confront her, and maybe that is what I need to do- in a constructive way. It is obvious there is nothing or no one that pleases this person. Nothing can be done, or..? But one of the most perhaps not surprising thing is that this person reminds me of MYSELF- the way i WAS three years ago. God only knows how many people I insulted with my words- well, those people who were the victims of my verbal attacks know it for sure.. Time is a healer, I am no longer that person. How come I now need to face this person..?
i am in the middle east (it seems like middle earth at times like these), life is what it is and this is the path I have chosen.
Sadhana. Back to the beginning. It will help, it did before, there is a profound change in just about anything in one's life.. I did not realize how much I had missed Sadhana, cold shower in the morning, reciting Japji Sahib... The courage to face this person will have to come from ...outer space, mountains... Sadhana.. anywhere :)
If anyone out there has any ideas how to encounter people like this I would appreciate any even anonymous advice. Some sort of roadmap, book, articles, encouraging words. had I still been that insecure hateful person I was years ago, today's and last week's events would have driven me to committing suicide. But not now. Not anymore.
February 02, 2007
It's raining
Somehow one would not expect any rain here, but it must be due to the global warming. Whatever. It is alarming to see the paint peeling off the front door, satellite dish so rusty that you'd think it's been on the roof since the Jurassic era, but no, it's the humidity in the air. Try hanging your clothes on the clothes line after washing them, and they may be dry following day. Maybe little earlier if the sun comes out. Even cutlery gets rusty- not the stainless stell spoons, forks etc, but the knives with a wooden handle. The rust sneaks in and destroys everything.
I don't dislike the weather here, but when it gets all hot and sticky and humid, almost glues your on your seat, that is not so much fun. Remembering the cool crisp winter mornings in London.. well, that was a real treat.
Breathwalking here is a pleasant experience despite the humidity. I walk around the golf course, pass the beautiful lagoon (will post pictures later promise) and that is a 3.5 mile walk.
Horseback riding too is therapeutic- horses are extremely intelligent and when I was riding yesterday (the very same 'rodeo' horse :) I could feel the horse responding to my moods. When I relaxed, he did so too and the ride was kind of healing for both of us. When I got home, it started raining again. But it is not bad, the desert needs water- and so does my garden.
I don't dislike the weather here, but when it gets all hot and sticky and humid, almost glues your on your seat, that is not so much fun. Remembering the cool crisp winter mornings in London.. well, that was a real treat.
Breathwalking here is a pleasant experience despite the humidity. I walk around the golf course, pass the beautiful lagoon (will post pictures later promise) and that is a 3.5 mile walk.
Horseback riding too is therapeutic- horses are extremely intelligent and when I was riding yesterday (the very same 'rodeo' horse :) I could feel the horse responding to my moods. When I relaxed, he did so too and the ride was kind of healing for both of us. When I got home, it started raining again. But it is not bad, the desert needs water- and so does my garden.
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